Monday, December 30, 2013

What to do if an in-law does not like you

It happens, people will not like you no matter what you do including in-laws.  There are mothers, fathers, stepmothers and stepfathers who just won't accept the odd, strange, different color, ethnicity, big, little, educated, uneducated, or poor walking through their door.  So what do you do?  Move on with your life!

We spend far too much time trying to figure out how to deal with people that we don't bother thinking about how not to deal with them.  You aren't required to go over your spouse's families' home just because you married him or her.  You don't have to sit down and break bread with people who don't mind joking about the way you look or how you talk.  Your spouse wants to be with his or her family so much, let him or her!  Opt out sometimes.  Don't try to persuade your partner not to visit relatives, but encourage him or her.  You never want to be accused of keeping your partner away from his or her family.  Use your free time wisely--visit your own family and friends, catch up with some chores around the house, tweak your business, or simply relax.  Think, when will you get a quiet house to yourself again?

Now when it comes to having to deal with an in-law that doesn't like you, you can do the following:

1.  Object to what he or she is saying that offends you.

2.  Communicate your concerns openly and honestly about what bothers you and pray that your partner will be understanding.

3.  Busy yourself when this person is around such as: go out of the home, step away and talk on your cell-phone, assist others around you, or bring something to entertain you like headphones and an mp3 player.  You can also schedule to work on the holidays so that you don't have to attend family gatherings.

4.  Allow the voicemail to catch all phone calls from the in-law.

5.  Don't respond to any written correspondence or phone calls if you know this person is known to lie and spread rumors--always have a witness.

6.  Avoid going to the in-laws home and don't invite this person to your home especially when you have had a falling out with this person.  If your spouse has an issue with it, then you will have to question your partner's loyalty?  He or she can easily make arrangements to see his or her family without bringing them to the family home.  If mom/dad/siblings wins and the partner welcomes them despite their disrespectful behavior, you can always pack--this sends a loud message to your partner, compromise or else. 

But for those who need a little more than what this blog entry is providing, see the following link:

What to do if an in-law does not like you

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Never Assume Your Children are Loved by All Relatives and Friends

They are nerve-racking, needy, and demand attention in the eyes of those who aren't all that excited about children being in their presence.  Children are not well-received by selfish individuals with a million things on their minds, but spending quality time with the little people, teens or disabled youth. 

People who are often nervous, easily irritated and impatient with children need not open their hearts or wallets if they are ill-prepared to spend time with them.  Parents who think they are doing "a nice thing" by letting children visit with select relatives, who have displayed instability in the past, think again!  Distance yourself from the difficult, the toxic, and the downright crazy in your family.  What other relatives might think of your actions, your personal feelings about those who hold titles in your life, and your own reputation should have no bearing when it comes to making a decision on whether children should stay with family.

Some of the best parents, grandparents, educators, and care-takers of children are those who simply see them as human beings--not headaches.  They are patient, loving and kind when it comes to interacting with children.  They don't lose their cool over the littlest infractions.  Children will have accidents, won't always follow instructions, and don't always act or play nicely.  Rather than focus on a child's faults by berating them or making them feel worse because they are in error, the professional will listen to the child's explanation then speak to the child in a controlled voice, possibly firm, while showing them what they did wrong along with reminding the children what is the right way to do or say something.  The child is given a series of choices to make a wrong right.  Good behavior is often rewarded and consequences are consistently executed if there are repeated violations.  Lovers of children know how to sit down and converse with children and manage them in such a way that is fun, informative, strict or interesting depending on the children's personality.  Parents, who act in similar ways, ultimately get well-adjusted children who don't give their them too many problems.  However, when you place children in a stressful environment with stressed out people, anything is bound to happen!

It is best that children are not left with the angry drill sergeant relative, a menopausal Mable who believes only God will heal her condition, or a Bitter Bill who is still holding grudges against his own parents.  A parent is asking for trouble sooner or later when you take too many chances dropping children off with unstable individuals.  Cut back on work hours, time-consuming responsibilities, and other activities when you find yourself relying far too much on parents, grandparents and others watching your children.  If you can't be present at a relative's residence with your children or are unable to put a short time limit on visits, don't drop them off! 

Parents who are desperate for a babysitter should look for alternative care when children are obviously in distress before, during or after visiting with relatives.

Nicholl McGuire, a author/poet/speaker maintains this blog and others and writes articles for various websites.  Listen and watch video related to spiritual issues on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Covert Narcissist: A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing. Closet Narcissism. ...



To the outside world, some relatives are just loved and glorified, but those who live with them, know better!  You might have a spouse, brother, sister, or cousin who is like this, a covert narcissist, one who knows how to act like he cares about others when in reality, he just uses them for selfish gain. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Sometimes What They Don't Know will Hurt Them

Growing up in a family who thinks keeping secrets is always okay, wrecks much havoc on the innocent in more ways than one.  Relatives distrust one another when the truth finally comes out.  People don't call or come around as much. 

A question for most individuals negatively impacted by things hid in the dark, so to speak, might be, "Why wasn't I told years ago?  How could everyone keep this from me?"  When lies are uncovered, and truth is your truth, it hurts.  However, it is a very different story when the lies or truth about someone else have little to do with you.  People can become insensitive, expect people to get over some things in their time, be aggressive about discovering more truth, and so on.  With so many voices around saying one thing or another, the one hurt by years of story-telling may want nothing more from relatives but silence.  Respect that!

Don't wonder why some loved ones don't bother coming around for family events.  Victims of  exaggerations, fabrications, and half-truths, get weary of experiencing the following:  uncomfortable feelings, guarding their hearts, watching every little thing they say, and so on.  How can one have a good time in the company of deceivers?  How is one able to forgive and forget over night when it took years to keep secrets?

Sometimes what you don't know will hurt you and others.  This is why some of the best friendships fall apart, people knew things, but never told.  Of course, we have to use discretion when sharing past stories with others, especially loose canons, but there are ways to subtly expose lies.  Here are a few.

1.  Direct the person to the source of the secrets without explaining anything in detail.  "You might want to talk to Aunt Sally about that...she knows a lot about the past or maybe talk to Uncle Bill, he doesn't mind sharing truth about the family."

2.  Use photos, family history documents, and other things related to past events and pose questions  in a way that will get the listener to start to think.

3.  Don't talk to the relative about what you think you might know.  Stand by everything you do know when confronted.

4.  When sharing information that include others, leave the names out who told you about certain events.  But if you don't care about a future confrontation and feel like you are protected, then by all means, speak what you know.

People who know secrets about others should never assume anything, add to their stories, or appear like they know all the facts when they really don't!  If approached, remember to lead the person to others who may want to talk about what they have been hiding all these years.

Nicholl McGuire


Saturday, November 16, 2013

God Didn't Tell Them to Get Married - Their Flesh Did

Someone in the family announces that a relative is getting married and the news is great until you meet the future marriage partner.  "Something just isn't right with that person..." you say to yourself.  But you don't want to be the one that looks bad if you were to tell someone how you truly feel about the union, so you keep things to yourself.  Then one day, as if someone in your circle is reading your thoughts, out comes, "God put them together..."  Sure.  Now your mind is really going at this point, did the person notice that you aren't sold out on the couple getting married?

As much as we would all like to think that every relationship that has led to marriage God had something to do with, we are wrong especially when neither party was even thinking about God, religion, faith or anything like it when they first met!  No, the couple had everything to do with the connection when they got naked one night and then many nights afterward.  Then they reasoned, "God is for us, who can be against us."  Even if someone was against the relationship, would it matter?  Sex has a way of clouding one's judgment.  The couple in La-La land thinks everything is rosy after many passionate moments in bed.

God is not one for ordering people to get married who are unequally yoked, but wayward, backsliding, hypocritical, and legalistic Christians are!  "You should get married...you better not wait...you need to get married..."  Some will mention it is better to marry then to burn with lust.  But what they fail to quote are all the scriptures that talk of listening and obeying God in the first place.  The issue isn't about going down the aisle in record time, but the real issue is, "Who is this person that he or she is marrying really?  Should this person even be in the family?  What is my loved ones reasons for really marrying?" 

Many couples are having an ear to God when they are planning their weddings.  Prior to, they are listening to pushy parents and other relatives who don't want to look bad not having sons and daughters married off.  Yes, there are still older parents and grandparents around who don't want the town to shame them or God hold them responsible for their sons and daughters not getting married--even if this isn't the case, but you can't tell them any differently.

"What God said" is thrown around loosely nowadays.  Going to church doesn't make one a good listener when it comes to doing the things of God.  Consider this, God is more concerned about kingdom business and if two people are willing to work together and with God to make some spiritual things manifest in others' lives, not just their own, then God bless their union.  However, with all the troubled marriages and divorces, this is just not the case.  Instead, we have many selfish individuals getting married, void of God, and hoping to capitalize off of one another--mentally, physically and spiritually in a way that doesn't serve anyone but themselves!  Then when the money is spent, attraction lost, and life challenges come into their La-La romance like a flood, now they are questioning, "Was God even in this?"  Most likely he wasn't, but your flesh was in it alright!  Whether one was married five, 10, or 15 plus years ago, the truth of the matter is not every marriage was ordained by God no matter how many times you repeated "under the eyes of God" or how often you attended church prior, during, and afterward.  It's unfortunate but the holiday season only pushes the deception like they do when it comes to Santa, Jesus' birth date, and Christmas being a time for giving. 

If you are a believer, use the holiday season to remind the lost couples in your family to turn their hearts toward God, rather than on things like:  how much money they spent on a gift, where they will be going for their honeymoon, and when they will be having children.  It is through Him they will find peace--everything else is added stress.

Nicholl McGuire also maintains a blog entitled, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

6 Signs It’s Time to Stop Taking Advice from Relatives or Friends

You love your family and think much of them.  When problems arise personally and professionally, you just might have a relative or two that you can confide in about your life challenges.   Sometimes one may continue sharing details of his or her life with certain individuals even after being repeatedly forewarned about them.  Trouble arises, the confrontation takes place, yet one still seeks advice from those who don't mean him or her well.  When does one stop taking advice from troubled loved ones?

One. When they are often proven wrong.

How much proof do you need when something a relative says proves to be incorrect on an frequent basis, or an exaggeration and a lie are told to you without a blink of an eye?  When you see the writing on the wall, quickly speak truth to your advisor, and then gradually start creating distance from him or her so that you won't be hurt again.

Two. When their track record shows they have yet to learn from past mistakes.

Some people are very good about advising you on what you should and shouldn't do, but do they take their own advice?  When you often see that one's counselor is often in disputes with others, can't seem to come up higher in his or her life, and is often critical of those they claim they love, you just might want to close your mouth on the specifics concerning your own life when speaking to him or her.

Three. When they claim to have a faith but rarely listen and obey their Maker or read and apply biblical text to their lives.

When was the last time your friend visited a church, read the Bible, or did something related to kingdom business other than sit on the phone and talk with you?  It is very easy to bring God into a conversation even when one isn't following His precepts.  Notice the hypocrite's ways, then put a brake on spiritual dialogue with him or her once you see that his or her "fruit," so to speak is spoiled.

Four. When people have warned you not to tell these people your personal business.

Most often relatives and friends have warned you of this because they either feel or learned that your trusted advisor has been sharing your private information with others.  Take heed and cut off personal details of your life.

Five. When they have shared confidential information about you with others without asking for permission.

This is similar to point 4, but is related to those people you may work with or have fraternal connections.  Unless you told an advisor "it's okay to share our discussion..." you have to wonder why would he or she take the liberty of doing so?  Watch what you say to these individuals, they may have recorded your conversation, and plan to use it to benefit them in the short or long term.  If you have a faith, pray.

Six. When they lie or avoid truth when confronted about questionable things said and practices.

This is a clear indication that
the person who you thought was a trusted friend is really a foe.  Why would they feel the need to lie if they weren't covering up something that they did or covering for someone else?

With so much evil speaking going on in our world, be cautious when talking about yourself and family with others.  Don't let a nice atmosphere, good food, and emotion cause you to drop your defenses in the presence of one you think you can trust.  Many marriages, family relationships, jobs, friendships, and more have been negatively impacted because of what someone said.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual perspectives on a variety of topics related to: relationships, family, business, and more.  Listen to her audio messages on Youtube and Sound Cloud

Sunday, November 3, 2013

5 Things You Might Want to Start Doing Now Before the Holidays

Far too many people wait until the last minute to do things.  Don't be one of the excuse-makers telling relatives, friends and strangers, "Why I had no time to..." during the holiday season.

Most often people do have time to do things, they just don't prepare and rather procrastinate by doing things like: watching TV, talking on the phone, going out with friends, etc. when they were really supposed to be handling their holiday "To Do" or "To Don't" lists.  Depending on your relationship with others will determine whether you will be using either list this year.  A "To Don't" list is simply what you won't be doing/putting up with this year.  So what do you have yet to do?

1.  Share your holiday plans with your partner and children, then talk with relatives and friends.

Some people will make Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's plans with everyone else while forgetting about a partner and children.  If you want to cause upheaval in your house, start planning to do all sorts of things without consulting with those you live with first.  Have various ideas in mind and be willing to compromise when you share them with others.

2.  Save money and make necessary arrangements for things like: travel, shopping, gift buying, home decorating, and cooking.

If you hope to spend money on other events, rather than save for the holiday related tasks that will cost the most, you just might be that one saying, "I'm sorry, this is all I could do" as the holidays near.  Plan a little better--you still have time.  Stop spending money on things you really don't need and put the money away for now.  Chances are something is going to come up that you will say to yourself, "I'm sure glad I didn't spend all my money on XYZ."  Shop for bargains and use coupons both on and offline whenever possible.

3.  Avoid making promises you can't keep, so say, "No," instead of maybe.

The excitement of getting together with family and friends can make the mouth move faster than the feet.  Before you commit to doing anything else for anyone else, practice saying, "No."  Otherwise, you will find yourself resenting the holidays instead of appreciating good times with loved ones.

4.  Donate or sell unwanted items, then clean/organize and make room for guests if you plan on entertaining.

One of those annoying issues that tend to come up around the holidays is unclean, disorganized homes, and irritable hosts.  If everything is handled in advance, the host and visitors just might have a great time.  Be sure everyone knows and understands that certain things have to be done when entertaining and visiting.  Unwilling parties shouldn't be forced to welcome others into their home especially people they don't like or get along with or go traveling when the timing just isn't right.  Save your family some drama, if everyone isn't on board, consider staying home or rearranging plans.  Don't miss out on opportunities to bless someone else, make some money for your pocket and space in your household.  You will be eliminating some future stress for all.

5.  Put in for personal and vacation days if you haven't already.

Don't disappoint relatives and friends with, "I got to work that day..."  Take the day off or make plans to leave work early. 

Make good use of your free time, consider your loved ones' needs, and don't sleep on potential headaches prevent them, do what you can to ensure that the holidays come and go in peace!

Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry, visit her blog here.

Friday, November 1, 2013

7 Reasons Why Parents will Limit Visits or Stop Permitting Children to See Grandparents

Some parents have a short memory when it comes to the negative things they do and say to their children and grandchildren whether to their faces or behind their backs. People who feel negative emotions from others will not stay in their presence for long. They will attempt to rid themselves of further pain, shame, anger, and more by keeping their families away from hurtful people. Although siblings and other relatives and friends may not comprehend why a parent would limit his or her visits with grandparents or cut them off altogether, consider this, they have good reasons as to why they do what they do. So before one judges, be mindful of the ungodly people and things you are exposing your children to on a daily basis. Could it be that you and your family ought to do some cutting too--possibly in different areas of your lives? As with all people, titles are to be earned. What might have caused a rift between grandparents and their children and grandchildren in the first place?

1. They despise the grandchildren’s parent(s) and the parents despise their parents/in-laws.

Much heartache, headache, and upset stomach worrying over the years about one’s rebellious son or daughter or "no good" son or daughter-in-law, doesn’t make anyone feel good. Sons and daughters turn on parents and vow to never come around them for one reason or another. Some grandparents think of money used over the years to bail out one’s son or daughter and other helpful things done, may not look forward to seeing son, daughter or children, because money wasn‘t paid back, favors weren‘t returned, or negative gossip reached their ears. A grandparent holding feelings of resentment and anger will not be easy to get along with and neither will the children; therefore to avoid argument, back-handed remarks, and other issues, a son or daughter won’t bother to come around often, if at all, with grandchildren and grandparents won‘t encourage or invite them either.

2. They are jealous.

Believe it or not, there are parents who are jealous of their sons and daughters’ lives especially if they have far exceeded their expectations. If mom or dad was the one who was always bad-mouthing their children as they grew up, he or she may not be that proud of them as one might claim. Parents notice negative behaviors, favoritism of other siblings, and will hear statements that sound more like put-downs then praise; so to keep their children from having to see how mean-spirited mom or dad can be, they limit visits with them until they can’t stand to come around anymore.

3. They are controlling.

Sons, daughters and grandchildren aren’t permitted to do or say much in the presence of certain grandparents; therefore, a parent will feel constant tension bringing one’s children around his or her mother or father. Since there is no way to make one’s parents stop doing something that is causing friction between parents and grandparents while scaring young children, some families will just stay away.

4. They don’t like children much.

As much as we would all like to think that grandparents look forward to seeing grandchildren, think again! Not all like or want to be around them. There are those grandparents who have spent most of their youth helping others raise children, then they had children of their own that they didn‘t plan for. With so many children and little time for self, some have reached a period in their lives that they are quite burned out with small misbehaving children, rebellious teens, and know-it-all young adults. Don’t be offended, if anything, consider this a warning not to drop your children off with someone who is burned out, otherwise deal with the consequences.

5. They are impatient.

Children require patience, but some adults just don’t have any and will blow a short fuse over the littlest of things. A parent who doesn’t want his or her children witnessing or experiencing things he or she may have saw growing up with an impatient parent will keep them away from anger outbursts comprised of yelling, violence, swearing, etc. Most parents don’t want their children growing up with similar negative memories.

6. They are too busy/ill/lazy to maintain household, much less, welcome company.

Some parents simply won’t bring children around grandparents, because they are unclean or often sickly. Bad odors, dirty floors and walls, stained tables, and clutter, parents don’t want to have to manage their parents’ household in addition to their own every time they come for a short visit. Besides, an unclean, cluttered home that could be managed by an able-bodied grandparent says one thing, “We didn’t bother to clean, because we aren’t interested in you coming to see us.” While others, who can do for themselves, don’t bother to do much, because they hope that children and grandchildren will come to one’s home to clean, repair and organize it.

Parents who are cautious about the well-being of their children won’t continue to bring them to environments full of harmful bacteria, allergens, illness, rodents and insects. If a grandparent’s health isn’t very good, consider checking into programs that assist the elderly with errands, house cleaning, meals, healthcare, etc. Some services are free if a grandparent income qualifies, meets age requirements, lives in a certain area, and other things.

7. They are unforgiving.

From what a child broke during the last visit to a liquid spilled on one’s expensive area rug, the last visit was a disaster; therefore, the bitter grandparent(s) has acted in unforgiving ways toward one’s grandchildren. To flippant remarks to finger-pointing about most anything, the family notices the grandparent’s negative disposition and will visit less frequently until eventually giving up altogether. No parent wants to hear about everything that is wrong with one’s child every time they visit a relative or friend.

A grandparent should not worry over why a son or daughter is not interested in family celebrations, attending funerals, assisting an ailing parent, or anything else related to them when he or she knows what one’s relationship with a son or daughter really looks like. A son or daughter who doesn’t feel comfortable leaving one’s children with grandparents or in-laws shouldn’t. There are other ways to connect children to grandparents via telephone, mail, school events, parks, family restaurants, etc. other than one’s home. Further, if the visits with grandparents are bringing on upset emotions every time you bring your family around them, limit the time you are spending with them or cut them off completely. As a result, feelings of guilt may surface, old memories might taunt you, but whatever you are going through, find ways to bring peace to your mind. Utilize your faith, speak truth to parents, hear your family concerns, and most of all protect your children.

There are those fantasy relationships that parents create, based on others’ positive experiences with their families, and then there are those painful scenarios that include grandparents who are not what they appear to be. Therefore, a son or daughter who doesn’t want to revisit the past, but rather continue to heal, while having hope for a positive future, will protect his or her children from the verbal and/or physical abuse that he or she endured growing up from misguided parents.

Nicholl McGuire is a blogger, internet content producer, and does other things on and off the Internet, learn more about her here.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Are you the emotionally, physically abused daughter or do you know one?

You may know her or be that one who is recovering from all the hardship of being raised by a parent who was emotionally and physically abusive toward you.

From name-calling to harsh punishment over things like:  low grades, talking back, being dishonest, crying too much, failing to comprehend commands, or not moving fast enough when an adult demands you act a certain way.  You or someone you know may not have the best private or public relationship with others.

People who have not walked in your shoes find it hard to understand why at times you tend to be absent in mind, body, spirit, or all three when interacting with them. Yet, what they fail to realize is that unlike them, what seems like meaningless statements, requests, or facial expressions, trigger emotions deep inside of you that isn’t always polite, nice, sweet, or kind.  You just might check out at times and forget for a moment what you were saying or doing. 

Sometimes abused female teens and women jump to conclusions, feel like they want to bite someone’s head off (especially during the menstural cycle or menopause), and might even cut the offenders out of their lives for what appears to be the littlest of things. For the one who has been abused, negative thoughts and reactions are normal. For onlookers, they determine one is crazy, strange, or needs some mental help like yesterday.

A strong-willed daughter, who might not be close to her father or mother, is going to function in society with hang-ups and handicaps.   She will go on to have somewhat healthy relationships, and take care of herself with proper guidance. If anything, for some abused women they do far better than others who were raised in so-called normal homes, because in their minds, they have something to prove. Dad said she was dumb and wouldn't do well in life, mom doubted her child was mentally stable, relatives found her peculiar, friends didn't quite understand her, yet she survives!

Survivors of emotional and physical abuse desire to be better than their controlling, abusive parents who most often had a mental disorder or two of their own, but may have never been diagnosed. The formerly abused want to treat others kindly and live a life that is relatively drama free! They aren’t asking for much, but for some women, trouble tends to follow them and remind them of their ugly past.

Present demons have a way of tempting the emotionally wounded daughter to hurt herself or someone else by picking with her.  They find faults where there are none, play mind games, deny insults and assaults, and act as if everything is okay when they are the creators of the dysfunction.  Therefore, the emotionally wounded daughter is once again disturbed by those who she thought loved her. 

It seems that some women just can’t seem to come up higher or get a break from emotional turmoil. They are attracting men and women like themselves, because sometimes what is familiar appears like it is okay when it is not.  Maybe for a time some abused women appear like they have a better command over their emotions, but when triggered, look out, all hell is going to break lose!

How can one keep his or her daughter out of danger from self and others? Well for starters, watch what you say and do.  Try to stay positive and do what is right, see yourself for who you really are when she points out how you might have hurt her.  Hurt people tend to repeat the same abuse or react in ways that look similar to their abusers if they never got any help for their personal demons. 

Reader, if you have unresolved issues, you can’t help others, not even your own children. They will see your faults and emulate them if you don’t bother to open up your mouth and say, “I am wrong. You don’t want to act like me or make the decisions I have made in life. Let me show you some good examples.”  Seek out a support system that can give you all immediate help.

Most self-righteous, prideful individuals, that don’t want to be held accountable for causing others harm, will refuse to humble themselves and admit failure. They rather blame a helpless child for their negative reactions. They prefer to look the other way when accused of unrighteous behavior. They rather ignore those who say, “I remember when you…” The controlling parent says, “Get over it…don’t hold things against me, I’m not perfect. Think about the good I have done for you!”

Telling someone to move on when they don’t know how to or can’t is not going to do anything more than create a deeper wedge in the relationship. 


Nicholl  McGuire Author and Poet http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com

Her books include:
Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic https://www.createspace.com/3437273
When Mothers Cry https://www.createspace.com/3393499
Laboring to Love Myself https://www.createspace.com/3401526
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate https://www.createspace.com/3332346
Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/904839
Spiritual Poems By Nicholl http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/3113926

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

6 Things Relatives Will Do When They are Harboring Ill Feelings Toward Others

Whether you or someone you know offended mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, or someone else, there will be an unexplainable tension--a subtle feeling that someone doesn't like you as much as they use to, or some other negative emotion you will experience when in this person's presence, over-the-phone, or via email.

You may have been the one who made a statement that one who feels he or she is always right, honest, and great to get along with would disagree.  You might have overheard someone say something about you.  But whatever the offense, ill feelings will fester and rise over and over again until they are released.  Sometimes the release comes in ways that will leave people angry, bitter, confused, and unwilling to maintain a relationship/friendship with certain relatives.

So what are some things that your relatives might do when they are holding negative feelings toward other family members?

1. Badmouth them.

2. Lie or create stories that make them appear like they are the good guy.

3.  Spy or eavesdrop on conversations in the hopes that they will find out something that will add to their negative emotions.

4.  Act unfriendly.

5.  Start a fight with the one who offended them and anyone who is acting nicely toward the disgruntled family member's enemy.

6.  Be disrespectful, rude or arrogant so as to appear like he or she is more intelligent, wealthy, or favored by other family members.

There are plenty more, but these six points will help you spot a person who has issues with you or someone else in the family.  Be prepared for sudden anger outbursts, petty behaviors such as: loud yelling, name-calling, hurtful remarks--jokes, not calling relatives after confrontation, avoidance of family events, and the silent treatment.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

7 Things to Do When You Discover a Relative is Ill and Might Need Your Help

So you find out that you have a relative who is often mental or physically ill and you are concerned that you might be the one who will have to care for him or her, what to do?

One.  Meet with relatives about your concern.

Sometimes you will find that others will be willing to help if they are brought into the loop.  Enlist all the help you can.  Talk with family friends who might be willing to visit and care for the ill family member in your absence.  Explain to your own family what is going on with your relative, so that they will understand you won't be available at times.

Two.  Go with ill relative to doctor's appointments for a time to learn more about illness.

If you don't know why your relative is breathing a certain way, has something growing in a place that it shouldn't, or seems to often suffer with something, then you won't know how to watch out for trouble.  Ask questions at the doctor's office such as:  What to do when...how many should she take...what should I look out for...if this happens, what should I do...?

Three.  Offer to assist relative and schedule a time when you will visit either daily, weekly or monthly.

Don't overextend yourself.  Find out when is the best time to assist relative and discuss with your family.

Four.  Research programs that will assist your relative if he or she is still able-bodied/independent.

Find out what non-profit groups will send nurses and others to help you care for ill family member.

Five.  Avoid committing yourself to help your relative when you know you have no desire to assist.

Some individuals have a breaking point where they just can't deal with the stress of caring for an adult, share your concern with others and call doctor's office to find out about alternatives.

Six.  Check out side effects of all medicines relative is taking.

The doctor will tell you about some side effects, but if you perform your own research you can find out if there are any pending lawsuits related to certain medicines.

Seven.  Arrange for an emergency care monitoring system through medical program and/or set up security cameras around the home depending on the illness (especially if it is one affecting the mind.)

If you feel uncomfortable leaving your relative alone, even though he or she appears to be taking care of his or herself, consider getting a device the relative could press if he or she should have an accident.  Also, use cameras to spot any questionable activity especially if the relative is an habitual liar.

Once you have made necessary phone calls, met with others, performed errands, and assisted relative with activities, remember to take time for yourself.  It can be very stressful watching and caring for a relative who can't do for his or herself.

Nicholl McGuire Author and Poet of When Mothers Cry http://whenmotherscry.blogspot.com

Thursday, September 26, 2013

5 Reasons Why His Girlfriend/Wife is Strange

Some men can pick the most unusual women to date and eventually marry and when they do, the family (for a time) has to put up with their relative's strange pick for a mate especially if they have children together.  So what might make your relative's woman act and react so strangely and when might the family want to fall back from getting to know this person?

1.  She lived a wild life that might have caused far too many mental melt downs.

From personalities that appear out of nowhere to caring for others in ways that a doctor just might offer a prescription or two, a weird woman's mind has been beaten over the years by far too much partying, bad breakups, a terrible childhood, family secrets, and more.  No amount of talking will help someone who doesn't think that she is acting strangely.

2.  She had a child or children while lacking the mental and physical support from the other parent or family members during tough times.

A woman who hasn't been a mother for long isn't necessarily right in her mind all the time especially if the father and other relatives are not providing needed support.

3.  Past abuse--sexual, physical, mental, etc. within her own family

If she has been abused by relatives, she is not always going to think straight when it comes to relating to those who may look or act in ways that remind her of her abuser(s).  Women who never sought any help for their conditions are walking around mentally and/or physically sick.  And the evidence of their illnesses sometimes doesn't show up until they open their mouths and start talking or usually after spending much time with them in the presence of others. 

4.  Too much or too little material wealth.

Spending far too much time to make, save, and invest money will make anyone go crazy!  She is worried about not having enough or too much, she obsesses over how much money is being spent on one thing or another.  She dominates her household with threats, fear, and more when it comes to buying and saving.  Overtime, her controlling ways are displayed in the way she talks and walks leaving people to think negatively about her.

5.  She was born strange.

No excuses, some women were born evil, weird, odd, or "out there." 

When the opportune time comes for the family to back off from the strange woman is usually when you begin to see signs that your relative is not really as fond of her like he once was.  He avoids public affection, he is visibly irritated with her when she speaks, he often finds excuses to be a part from her, he doesn't like listening or talking to her like he did before, and he starts talking about dating, meeting other women, and going places without her. 

The difference in the way a family member (in a relationship with a weird woman) behaves around her might begin within a month or two after the family has met her maybe sooner or later depending on his tolerance level for the strange.  This difference in the way he reacts toward his partner is because he most likely has noticed some things about her and has also observed his own family's reaction to her, "There is something off about that one...nice, but weird." 

Gradually your family member will withdraw from his mate within the same year after repeated warning signs that yell, "This one is definitely not the one!"  But a foolish, desperate type of male or one, who believes he might go to hell if he divorces yet again, just might keep the strange woman on his arm little longer (than most) that is if the following applies:  he has children with her, if she is more nice-looking than most women he has dated in the past, has much money and he is benefiting off of it, and if the strange woman is doing some toe-curling things in bed that leaves him in a never-before experienced temporary trance.  Yet, he will one day break up with the weird woman for good (only after repeated attempts to work it out) simply because he can longer tolerate her bizarre ways. 

Get ready to witness a period of watching your relative and his strange woman ride on a roller coaster ride of twists and turns before finally saying, "I need to get off this crazy ride!"  And for those of you who are religious, no amount of prayer and fasting will help someone who is determined to get out and get over his mistake and keep in mind God doesn't always heal the mentally challenged either, so don't encourage people to stay together especially when the environment turns hostile!

Nicholl McGuire blogger of this site and others.  She maintains twitter and hub pages as well.  She is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, When Mothers Cry and other books.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Selfish Relatives: You Have to Come to My Event, You Have to Do This For Me

You have been there, a time when you were frustrated with a family member's repeated requests to come to a child's function, a family get-together, or some other family event and you really didn't want to go. A  family event seems to pop out of nowhere and someone in the group insists that everyone be there.  Now if you say, "No, I don't think I can make it..." you are suddenly marked as the one who doesn't want to be around your family and told that you are selfish.  What!?  The insults, speculations, and outright lying starts being whispered over phone lines, "So Tommy isn't going to be there?  What? It's probably his wife whose keeping him away...I never like that little...."

Whether it is a service or a get-together, you don't have to do anything with people you don't like or get along with just because someone said, "You ought to...you better...that's your family!  It would mean so much to us if you would."  That all sounds rather pushy, controlling, doesn't it?  You have to wonder what is the real reason behind the reason as to why it is so important that everyone should be at a certain relative's event or do him or her a favor and help this person and/or family out.  This is key information you need that just might save you from a future argument with someone for not coming, being unecessarily inconvenienced by someone else's foolishness, and other things, and besides, if your heart isn't in it, why are you going?  Do you have selfish reasons too?

So what might be some things that these selfish, and sometimes controlling relatives, really have up their sleeves?

1.  They are looking to save some money, time, or face about something.  Depending on what role you typically play in the family (lender or borrower, peacemaker or fighter, generous or frugal, etc.) will determine why some will push your being at their home, party and elsewhere, while others will forget your invite or worse your existance!

2.  They know that they don't want any problems out of you, because they remember the last time and they know how you are.  Now this point doesn't apply to most readers, because you are probably one of the good guys or gals, but for some, they are not.  They know that if someone doesn't invite or get them involved in a family event/emergency/service/fight, there is hell to pay!

3.  They hope that you will contribute like you did in the past.  For some of you, you may have been that favored one who did much at the last event, so they are hoping that you will keep it up.  Cooking, cleaning, babysitting, errand running, maintenance work, yard work are all typical requests of needy relatives.

4.  They simply like you.  There are actually family members who mean you well and have no strings attached about inviting you to their celebrations, home, and other special occasions.

5.  They are expecting payment back in service or a gift since they did for you in the past, so this is a sneaky way to get you to give them.  Beware of relatives who boldly tell others of how they helped you and didn't expect anything in return.  What you may not know is that they just might be looking for some repayment (because it's just the right thing to do they reason) through a get-together or an opportunity to service them.  So don't be suprised when they say, "You know that money I gave you back when you were struggling, well do you think you have...or do you think you can help me with...?"  Sometimes it isn't a money repayment they are looking for but an offer from you to help them with something.  It is best to touchbase with these opportunists relatives before a family function establishing what you will and will not do for them and what you will and won't talk about.

Keep in mind, there are most likely many other reasons as to why a family member just feels like you just need to be around your family, even when you feel as if God or your own personal issues with them are keeping you from them (at least temporarily).  Be wise, not a fool in situations like this.  If you believe in a Creator, trust his leading and not your own or your relatives' pushy behaviors--always pray for them and seek God for answers.

Nicholl McGuire author and poet.  Check out her video projects on YouTube - http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7

Friday, September 13, 2013

My Family Doesn't Like You So I Don't Like You

Oh yes, we have those die-hard loyal family members who simply don't like certain people in the family because mom and dad don't like them!  I tell you, you got to love 'em!

To date, I have a few relatives that don't like one of my elder relatives because of a few too many things she did back in the day, so anyone connected to her is marked meaning "You don't deal with those folks."  Some just don't want to bother with us.  In their minds, "The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree."  But I don't care, because this just makes me stronger spiritually--I am a magnet for the black sheeps in the family, so hate on, I say!

"My family doesn't like her, so don't you start liking her!"  I hear this statement in so many words when the angry, unforgiving relatives would like for me to sing the same song.  But my life is different now, and I have Christ.  So I work hard not to be that way.  Sometimes their points are justified, but I have to be the one that is neutral.  I can't pick sides, because you just never know how God might use you.

So what do we do if we are caught acting this way, we work hard to change our thoughts.  We do good when we can.  We offer assistance--we reach out and let these people know that we are okay with them until they cross us, then we move on.

But when you are the mastermind behind the campaign against "those relatives," you might want to consider how your rage, bitterness, and unforgiveness might play a part in the lives of your children and others who respect you.  You may want to re-evaluate how you feel and work toward having a better attitude around "those relatives."  The holidays are coming up...tis the season! 

Nicholl McGuire

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Know How Your Family Communicates Anger, Pain, Sadness, and other Negative Emotions

It is very easy to see how other families operate when a relative is the favorite, troubled, successful, jealous, bitter, etc.  But what about your own family?  How does your family communicate with you and others when one is labeled, placed in a category, banished, and so on?

I noticed that in my family we have our share of individuals who will make certain people favorites as long as they are willing to be the accomplice in the following:  getting others to respond to whatever they need/want, participate in a scheme or other shady behavior, act in a drama, add to gossip--you name it!  But when one is not a character in the mayhem, one doesn't have a clue about the issues until they show up in one's home. 

In every family, favorite status has to be earned and usually one's moral judgment is put to the test.  If your standards aren't that high, or you are one that goes along just to get along, then you are a perfect candidate.  But those individuals who don't like drama, not interested in getting any future benefit/service from anyone, and just like keeping to themselves, they are the least favorite.  They are the ones who while they are away, the cat will play with minds, reputations, and other things just because one is an unwilling participant in another's bag of tricks.  But can you see when this is happening?  Do you recognize when your family is playing games with you?

When family communicate with one another usually by the typical means of communication like the telephone, there is often a certain sound to one's voice that says one is upset, happy, in pain, and so forth.  There are those relatives who just might act (I mention this in another blog entry) to get their needs met.  Short conversations, meaningless phrases, and sometimes silence on the phone are clear indicators you aren't liked with some relatives I know.  But if you aren't in touch with what a relative is communicating whether openly or hidden, you might be negatively talked about by those busybody, petty types who have nothing more to do with their time but meddle in other people's affairs.  "She just doesn't get it...why does she bother talking to me?  When I last talked to her she didn't pick up on what I wanted, so I'm done with her..."  Meanwhile, the unsuspecting don't know about the war that is brewing, because most likely that person has a life and it doesn't respond to one's negative emotions.

Too often the unsupecting relatives (who aren't in the know about too much of anything) will fall for just about everything, believe half-truths, pick sides, place blame, and more, because they just don't get what is really going on with the family, nor do they care--unless they stand to lose out on a benefit.  So the unsuspecting fail to recognize the verbal and non-verbal language of feuding relatives.  They can't see, what some of you readers can see.  The harmless rather walk or run away, then stay and play, so to speak with the harmful--or dare I say it, the toxic.

If you are in touch with your family, more-so than others, then you have front row seats into their worlds even when they fight to make you see only what they want you to see.  You are a witness to the truth.  For some readers, you know when relatives are angry, sad, happy, troubled, and so forth.  But do you know when they are acting this way with you or certain other people?  Some people can only see what they want to see when they want to see it and when others pick up a mirror and show them, they say, "I didn't know...I don't want to see that...Why do you want me to know that?"  Maybe today mom understands grandma's plight, but next week not so much.  Maybe favorite relatives love you today, but then you hear that tomorrow they don't.  Did you see the signs?

Knowing how your family communicates with one another is important if you are trying to build a relationship with those who may not like you so much.  But for those you are already getting along with, you may want to use what you know to help others build or restore a bond with those family members who mean them well.

Nicholl McGuire

Friday, September 6, 2013

You're The Different One in the Family

Bubbly, creative, unique, slow, free-spirited, wild, or serious, you are the different one and some relatives don't like it.  My friend, keep your head up anyway!  You have done much with your interesting personality.  People may have called you blessed, nice, a sweetheart, loving, kind, and sincere.  You should be content with who you are!

There comes a point when we have to take what relatives say about us and use it to our advantage!  When you are down, calling up those people you are use to telling your stories to may not be the answer.  Sometimes you might need to just sit back and breathe!  Find the time to empower yourself mentally, physically and spiritually without need of family.

Some of the most successful people in this world have become that way, because they knew when to move on without family.  Like a taxi cab driver, they carried their riders to a destination and then dropped them off after receiving payment.  Your relatives got their payment from you in a variety of ways whether you gave them time, money or service.  It doesn't matter how much, you did what you could and some of them bidded you farewell while others wanted to keep you around.  Saints and sinners have all reached those points in their personal and professional relationships when they knew that this was it.  "I have gotten all I can get out of this relationship and it is giving me nothing back.  I am the different one, I know this already, but I don't need to keep hearing that from people who can't help me anymore."

You are considered the odd one in the bunch, because you know how to set yourself apart from the rest and be comfortable doing it!  In some cases, there are those readers who didn't have a choice in the matter.  The key is being at peace with who you are and the differences that make you stand out.  There are so many individuals who work hard to be different, but deep, down inside they are not content.  They are still struggling with what they look like, how they sound, what they can and can't do, what they like and don't like and so on.  They are basically bound to a self without a direction, focus, and of course happiness.  People might see someone who appears like he or she is a free spirit, unique, and joyful, but the truth is they are lost.

So today, challenge yourself to look at what makes you different and do something about those differences in such a way that you have no need of getting family approval.  Work each day on this part of yourself if you are one of the ones who feel down and please do come back and share your observations and results.

Here's to the different ones!

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Help is on the Way, But Then Again Maybe Not - When Family Consider You a Burden

Whether you have had far too many moments in your life when you have been down on your luck, short of cash, in and out of relationships, or caused much drama that left some family members wishing you were dead, there will be those relatives and friends who will help you until it hurts.  However, there comes a point when favor wears off and all kind deeds have been exhausted.

Some family and friends will see to it that you don't remain in your mess, but helping you is going to cost you.  Maybe you are working off the help you have received, as you read this, or maybe you have yet to serve those individuals who believe that what they are asking of you is justified.  However, sooner or later the helper is going to expect something.

We need to think once, twice, and even a third time before asking relatives for assistance especially money.  Some people will help you in small ways, barely giving you enough to do much of anything, before requesting you do something for them.  People like this are really not helping, but seeking out benefits.  "What benefit is it letting him stay here?  What can she do for me?"  Think like these people for a moment, "What am I doing for these people?"  When your burdens are greater than the benefit, that is when people begin to change.  They start withdrawing their assistance.  They look for excuses as to why you can't stay in their residence pass a certain time period.  The drama begins to increase--a clear sign to move/quit asking/ stop borrowing/ as soon as you can!

The following is several things you can do when you are facing hard times and have to deal with certain difficult relatives for a time:

1.  Plan your next move, career, business, etc. from start to finish so that you will not have to go back and ask for any assistance from family!

2.  Network with people outside of your family and friends.  You will find that many are more knowledgable and can find resources that will help you out of your situation much faster.  Consider churches, civic groups, community centers, career counselors, temporary agencies for job placement, etc.

3.  Avoid staying at a relative's residence and doing nothing.  Go to bed early, get up early and try to stay away as long as you can.  Find places you can unwind after work.  When you are at the relative's home do small tasks, but be sure you communicate a start and stop time and when you are unable to help them otherwise they will take advantage.

4.  Give money when you can, but set a limit and how often you give.  Never give so much money that you have none put aside to move out on, pay for transportation, food, and more.  Keep track of your giving--use checks or money orders so that you have a receipt of payment.

Beware of the Actress or Actor in Your Family

You may not believe that your mother, father, sister, brother, aunt or someone else in your family is one that enjoys acting--not for television or in theater plays--but for the family.  Chances are there is someone who has been "playing" the family for years and you may be one of many who got tricked.

From exaggerated story-telling to repeated requests to help with this thing or that one, these relatives love getting people emotionally wrapped into their madness.  They are usually people with far too much time on their hands, lack education, hobbies, unemployed, retired, and more.  So what they do is think of those in the family on a daily, weekly or monthly basis who might have something that they want whether time, money, or service.  "What can she do for me?" one thinks.  "What might he help me with and how can I convince him to do that for me?"  The actor or actress begins to prepare for his or her role especially when this person knows that a few are on to his or her game.

It took some time for me to realize that we had a damsel (actually more than one) who was often in distress in the family.  She enjoyed playing the emotional roles complete with a tear or two.  Her performances were believable.  She would change her voice whenever someone called her depending on who she thought might believe she was ill and in need of something and willing to help.  This person would ask for money, time or service from relatives who would call her.  At times, she would make conversation with gullible strangers on the street, in stores and elsewhere in the hopes that they could become fast friends.  This way she could use them later if she should need anything.  Each week she had relatives, friends or strangers coming in and out of her home, because they believed one story or another she shared.  She was never left empty-handed.  This sort of behavior went on for years often, but slowed down once she grew older.  She couldn't keep her act up--sometimes she would come out of her characters, mix her roles up, and forget her lines.  Those who realized they were being used began to back off.

Now when you are close to these people you don't often pay attention to when they are telling a truth or lie.  You most likely accept them whether good, bad or otherwise.  However, this sort of behavior isn't good when people in the family are warning you that So and So is a big actress or actor.  Sometimes you have to be burned time and time again before you will believe truth particularly from someone you don't trust in the first place.  But when you know someone behaves deceptively and you continue to help them, then you are an enabler--a person who helps perpetuate negative or destructive behavior in the sick individual. You convince yourself that you're are helping this person when you really are not. 

Gambling, substance abuse, lies, mayhem, and other things that people do that eventually affect others, can wreck havoc on a family that was once close.  Actors and actresses show up in certain relatives because they know that others will not accept them the way that they are.  Therefore, they will do things to hide their weaknesses; rather than make necessary changes to ensure peace within the family.  These pretenders in the family, who say one thing and do another, will try various tactics with different people to get hidden needs met.  So they might tell a story that is believeable and possibly truthful in an effort to make you feel good about helping them.  But the reality is, one might need the money to fund an addictive behavior, help someone else who is struggling, keep conflict going between others while hoping to benefit off the arguments in some way ie.) attention, etc.

If you aren't on to the actor or actress in the family, then most likely you are the one that relatives who have been burned already might be trying to warn, but you won't listen.  I challenge you today to open up your eyes and start keeping track of days and times the relative calls you with a request.  Notice his or her mannerisms.  Call back later and listen for change in his or her voice.  Ask others have they noticed anything different about the relative who is always in need.  Keep your wallet and gifts at home and see how he or she reacts when you show up empty-handed.  Stop offering to pay for his or her purchases and doing other services, then sit back and watch how he or she treats you. 

For some readers, you might be the one who is the actor or actress and see nothing wrong with what you are doing.  Sooner or later people will find you out and when they do they will stop coming around you and will warn others about you.  So don't ask why someone doesn't like you or is bad-mouthing you, you know what you have been doing. 

For others reading this, you might be the one who use to be this way and is sounding the alarm on other actors and actresses in the family.  But whatever role you are in, use to be in, or was never in, the point is keep your eyes open to actors and actresses in the family who love you as long as you do for them, but when you stop, they don't want to bother with you and might turn others against you because of it.  You know what to do when this happens, cut them off!

Nicholl McGuire
See a blog on Facing Your Foe here: http://faceyourfoe.blogspot.com  

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Family Lies, Exaggerates, Cover-Ups and Forgets

They won't admit to the things they done in the past without making things appear as if "they weren't so bad, you were mistaken, it didn't happen that way..." etc.  No sense in arguing with them, because you know your truth!

Family lie, exaggerate, cover-up and forget things that make them look bad.  Who wants to put their arm up and say, "Okay, I did it.  I'm sorry.  I should have, could have..."  Maybe at some point your relative might come to grips with the truth and try to make yesteryears' wrongs right, but then again maybe not.  However, using all sorts of tactics to get your family to see the light won't make them come to any revelation any faster.  Rather, all you will be doing is continuing to build a wedge of resistance and possibly put yourself in a position of alienation between you and those you sincerely want in your life--is it worth it? 

Depending on what the issue was, whether the relative has changed, and how much damage was done to you and if  you can find peace within yourself, will determine whether you or they will reach some sort of compromise.  The person or group that hurt you may die never saying "I apologize."  But you can free yourself now by moving on with your life and doing the kinds of things that make YOU happy while all they can do is just spectate.  The sweetest revenge is the kind that only your Creator can provide--he knows how to hit people where they hurt when they have done wrongly to others--I am a witness, my God is awesome!

Sometimes we are guilty of enabling all of this lying, exaggerating and covering-up in families by not letting go and letting God, so to speak.  We tell others that they are making up things while we choose to ignore or forget things.  We accuse others of lying, when we have been guilty of adding to the lie.  We act as if nothing ever happened and tell others to get over it, when we know that bad things really did happen, and we were too scared, worried, or sick to say anything.  Think of times when you weren't always truthful or failed to remember specific details that could have helped someone else. 

It makes no sense to keep reminding yourself of the pain one has inflicted on you--that is self-torture!  Someone in the family might be encouraging you to deal with this person and that one even though you know it isn't healthy.  Why convince yourself that you are mistaken, crazy, or strange for feeling the way you do about someone (just because they are a relative) when you know that their behaviors make you feel uncomfortable, aren't right, and downright weird?  But so many family members will put themselves in challenging situations, while screaming, "Get me out!"when they know someone in the family has repeatedly hurt them with words and actions.

Break free from these lying, exaggerating, covering up, forgetful people by:

1.  Ignoring phone calls, email, text, and snail mail.

2.  Avoiding family events where you will have to deal with them without someone to mediate.

3.  Say no to favors.

4.  Don't move into their homes.

5.  Don't open your circles of friends to them.

6.  Don't borrow money and other items.

7.  Stay away from conversations with those who are connected to them about them.  Otherwise, your conversation will run the risk of being repeated.

Think of other things you can do to find the peace you need from those who aren't interested in building you or others up, but rather break them down.


Nicholl McGuire




Saturday, July 20, 2013

Family Conflict: Ups and Downs

Lifestyle changes causing family conflict?
 
 
Grownups Impact on Family Conflict
 

Thursday, May 23, 2013

When You Need Family Support

It happens, unfortunate situations that put us in a position that we need the help of family.  But when we reach out, we may not always be greeted with a friendly smile and a warm embrace especially if we have a history of angering certain people.  So what do you do?

One.  Set aside your pride.

Pride can be a demon that sets out to destroy everything that is there to help you.  Some people believe they are somehow doing the right thing by turning down assistance.  But unfortunately, saying "no" at the wrong time for the wrong reason can cause more harm than good.  Not all people are out to get you later or expect you to give your right arm because they did something for you.  If asking for help is bothersome to you, then consider enlisting the help of someone who can do the talking for you.  Also, be clear what you can and can't do for someone upfront.  Most often those who are opportunists will not do much for you when they can't get something in return.  Selfish and greedy individuals will always expose themselves sooner or later.  Watch for individuals and groups who mean you well and stay away from those who don't.

Two.  Assist others when you can.

Everything you do to help others shouldn't be wrapped up in money agreements, but as we all know there are always a few who love money and will do just about anything for it.  Sure, some relatives will expect money loaned paid back, because you may have entered into that sort of agreement with them, but others would be more than happy to receive service from you.  Therefore, whenever possible offer service rather than money as pay back BEFORE YOU BORROW especially when you know you have bills to pay.  If you can get the agreement recorded via email, text, voicemail, or some other way, do that so as to avoid confusion in the future.

Three.  Avoid arguments, personal opinions, and saying anything that you know will start unnecessary conflict.

The past has a way of coming back to haunt you when you are stressed.  You start thinking about those times when this person and that one wasn't there to help you.  You become easily irritated when someone starts bringing up subject matter that you have yet to get over.  Don't rehash your troubles with people who you know don't understand and have never walked a mile in your shoes.  Walk away when you feel like you are ready to explode on someone who thinks he or she knows it all and is critical of your decision-making.  Keep doors closed when discussing your issues with others.  It  is always best to avoid drama whenever possible particularly when you know you need certain relatives to help you.

Four.  State what you need upfront and try not to ask for much more.

Everyone who knows about your personal crises may help you for a time, but as the situation grows older, family members will begin to close their doors on helping you any longer.  They will expect some results from their assistancing you.  So if something comes up, you may have to ask for more help, but before you do, exhaust all options.  The last thing you want is a disgruntled relative complaining about you being a freeloader or beggar.

Five.  Try to speak positively whenever you can.

Sometimes it is simply hard to be happy for others who are doing well.  You become very angry and bitter when things just don't seem to be going your way.  However, you can adjust negative thinking by speaking positively whenever you can.  Find inspiration online.  Surround yourself around individuals who are doing well.  Attend worship services, spiritual conferences, and other similar things to keep your mood upbeat.  Resist the temptation to drink or do drugs, this will only cause discord between you and those who are trying to help you.

Six.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Don't get caught not doing what you said you were going to do.  If you are supposed to be looking for a job, do that.  If you plan to pay someone back, start paying that person a little at a time as soon as you have money in your pocket.  But whatever you do, don't make promises you can't keep.  If you know you will be unable to pay a loan within a designated time frame, say so.  Ask for options.  If you know you will need a donation, instead of a loan, then be clear about that.  Never assume that someone knows your situation, speak truthfully.  Keep only those who need to be updated about your personal business in the know, leave those who can't help you, out of your affairs.

Those that love you the most, can hurt you the most with mean-spirited statements, looks and the like, but just because you are down today, doesn't mean you always will.  People reap what they say and do.  Keep your head up.  Stay active seeking a job, taking courses, networking, working on your personal relationships, and doing other things that will help you in life.  Don't let critics keep you down!  To your future success!

Nicholl McGuire shares faith based messages on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7  You can also check out videos on Godtube.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Crazy Relatives Who Don't Care Whether They Live or Die

You may have a few in your family, crazy relatives who don't mind taking risks with health, wealth, family, and more.  These insane relatives will fight with self and others in order to get their illogical ideas off the ground.  They reason, "This will be good for everyone...you will see!"  But the reality is that far too often their thoughts and deeds do nothing more than bring heart and headache to relatives and friends.  So what do we do about these mentally handicapped people in our families?

One.  Don't encourage them to take dangerous risks.  From cheating to drug use, when you know your relatives are bound to try anything, don't say, "Go ahead, do it--I don't care if you kill yourself, you crazy S.O.B.!"  If you say words like this, you might be the one at the funeral one day crying out of guilt--beating yourself up about the last words you said to your wild family member.

Two.  Keep away from the angry, deceptive, or dangerous relatives when you know they have a history of tricking people into doing crazy things.  If a sudden phone call to do something doesn't sound right coming from this wild relative, most likely it isn't.

Three.  Pray for your insane relatives.  If you know that their parents tried everything else like: medicate them, take them to a psychologist, to church, etc., the least you could do is utilize your faith to help them, help you!  Ask God to give you peace, understanding and willingness to help your family member when you can.

Four.  Be at peace with all those related to the insane relative.  One way is to not talk/visit/help out so much if you find yourself too involved in your wild's relatives life. Limit your time with those family members who are often bitter, angry, and saddened by this troubled person's misdeeds.  You can only do and say so much to them, if you find yourself being handicapped as a result of others' issues, distance yourself from them and those who insist on burdening you with all their problems.  The last thing you will want to deal with is losing your cool with your own family because you don't know when to let go of troubled circumstances and people.

Five.  Learn more about your family history.  Notice patterns and other behaviors that might have contributed to your relative's mental handicap.  Seek remedies that might possibly help with some symptoms.  Don't insist on advising your relatives to take your advice when you know they are irresponsible, nonchalant, and selfish.

Take a moment to think of other things you could possibly do to keep from becoming like your insane relatives.  Keep children away from troubled people, because it is very easy for them to pick up on their bad mannerisms.

Nicholl McGuire

Friday, March 29, 2013

When Relatives Don't Listen

No matter what anyone says, some relatives just won't listen to sound advice!  They will cry, scream, threaten, and even run away from truth.  They ignore warnings, fight with family members, make excuses, ignore phone calls, and even lie to keep from the following occuring:  exposed on a wrong,  told to do the right thing like pay back what they owe, advise on handling problematic relationships/friendships, and whatever else they are supposed to do or not do.

"I don't bother with Mom because...I can't stand my sister because...If I were you, I would stay out of my business...Who do you think you are telling me...?"  says the stiff-necked, angry person.  He or she is often defending why he/she/it is right and why what this person does or doesn't do is okay, alright and "don't worry about me."  The offended, who doesn't like truth, especially with a Christian ring to it, is going to push back.  If you are the one, who has to speak truth to a rebellious person, here's what to do:

1.  Prepare your speech and know what you are going to do if there is no change in the offending behavior(s).

2.  Use your faith to keep you focused ie.) pray in your mind before, during and after confrontation.

3.  Demonstrate self-control.  Don't argue or act like a fool because you don't like what the person is saying to you.

4.  Be a blessing, offer assistance and then follow up.  It wouldn't be fair to tell someone what they should do and you are not willing to help.

5.  Don't bad-mouth.  It isn't necessary to share your encounter with someone else particularly if you feel tempted to say every vile thing you can about this person.

6.  Stay away from an angry man or woman.  If you already know this person has threatened to harm you, don't go near him or her.  Use the phone, computer or a third party.

7.  Forgive your enemy without being difficult, evil, or temperamental.

After you have done what you can to help your stubborn relative, back off!  Don't continue to speak to this person about what is bothering you ie.) "I feel...you make me...I wish..."  If he or she is willing to reach a compromise, you will see fresh fruit, so to speak, if not, don't hang around spoiled fruit. 

Most people are aware that their actions and in-actions on a matter is why negativity has showed up in their lives.  The problem for some people is it is easier to ignore issues and hope that they go away.  But when tough love comes into play and no one is inviting The Problem to the family event, calling him or her often, asking this person to do anything for him or her, and overall acting differently toward the troubled person, sooner or later he or she will see that the family doesn't accept his or her behavior.  It is then that the person will have to make a choice either, do what's right or not.  Your Creator treats Christ believers the same way.  A believer defends his or herself when He uses his messengers to get a person who claims to be a child of God to act on His will.  In time, God distances himself from the rebellious.  Take the time to confess your sins, repent, and ask the Lord to forgive you, then forgive those who have offended you in Jesus name.

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

You Can't Make Your Family Be Something They Are Not

You want dad to be more loving, grandma to be sweet, and your brothers and sisters to care more about you and your family on your terms.  Good luck--not happening. 

The problem is "your terms."  One event or many events, a little money or much, isn't going to recreate someone into what you hope they would be especially for as long as you live.  People change, but not that much.  Money changes people, but not that much.  Events put smiles on people's faces, but not for long.  Get it?

Now for some controlling types for a season you just might get some family members to play along with your attempt at bridging the gap between relatives.  "Sister I think it would be nice if you...Mother could you be more...Auntie please could you not..."  thoughts like these go through our minds because we saw somewhere or heard someone talking about this issue and that one.  So now we will try to persuade a relative to do some things differently.

It takes years for family programming (brainwashing to make one do what others want) to die.  It takes even longer to cultivate an atmosphere between many adults in a family to "simply get along for God sake!"  Most likely, the Good Samaritan type will tire of trying to get the family together.  He or she will stop being so encouraging, nice, and the like.  Good for this person, because he or she will most likely not suffer long from headaches, ulcers, and more as a result of family issues.  But some won't give up the fight--they will die fighting. 

There comes a point in our quest to do what's right and promote change, that we have to stop and consider the other side.  Besides, for some, their marriages are headed for ruin as a result of continuously getting involve in far too many family affairs.  As much as we want people to forgive, forget, apologize, and play together, it's not going to happen for all.  We can pray and pray some more, but until a man, woman or child sees a sincere benefit to communicating with members of their bloodline, they just aren't going to do it. 

I have personally witnessed my share of family arguments, physical fights, and just cold-hearted behaviors that would make outsiders fearful.  What causes men and women to act so evilly only God knows?  We can blame the devil all we want, but people have choices.  You can either make up in your mind to call off the war or keep it going with your tongue or something else.  Some just don't know how to talk peacefully, behave respectfully, or do anything else that promotes positivity.

The best solution to the family mayhem that keeps dividing the family up is to start focusing on your own family.  I have found that when the Good Samaritan stops trying to get family together, teach family, do for family, hand hold with family and more, people will no longer bring their drama to you especially when you have been forward about what you will no longer put up with. 

When the Do-Good matriarch puts an end to reaching out, sending gifts, encouraging phone calls and other similar things, that's when people tend to come together naturally.  However, the jealous type, who unsuccessfully brings a peaceful union together, can end up turning from friend to foe while causing disagreements among a select few.  Watch out for those type!

Remember, as much as you love your family, whatever picture you have in your head of what family looks like, it's time to throw it away and look at reality.  Take what is given to you and make the most of it! 

For some readers of this blog, stop reading, watching, or listening to shows that make you covet a family outside of your own.  You only make yourself miserable doing those things.  Fill your mind with other activities that are non-related to family.  Start by making a list of things you like and begin to tackle it.  This way your life isn't passing away so quickly while exhausting yourself of your family's worries.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic.

Friday, March 1, 2013

7 Things to Think About For Women In Abusive Relationships

You have been called names, threatened, lied to, physically beaten, kept captive in a room, told to keep quiet and yelled at to perform senseless acts all in the name of love by the one who calls himself your lover, boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.

People have judged you, advised you, cut you off, scolded you, and so much more just to communicate one thing and that is to leave him. The problem you are having with yourself and everyone around you, your mind and heart are not ready to leave at least not yet.

So the following statements will challenge you to look inside yourself and evaluate your world around you and hopefully you will be motivated to do what is right for you and/or your family before it’s too late. It’s time to take out a piece of paper, pen the thoughts that come to your mind as you read.

My daddy doesn’t know me. Whether it was your dad or any man around you that you wanted to be close to as a young girl, but he just never wanted to allow you to get close to him, this statement is a part of the trouble you now face. If you had looked for love in the past in previous relationships but found yourself disappointed with man after man, then finally made yourself settle down, even though this man didn’t seem to be right for you either, now is the time to ask yourself, have I really found daddy’s love? What will it take for me to find the love and peace I desperately need? What will I have to do to stop my own cycle of abuse?

My mother contributed to the who in “am I.” The way a mother communicates and acts with the men in her life is witnessed by her daughters; therefore she has contributed to the who that you have become whether you like it or not. If your mother catered to her man, yelled at him, loved him or hated him in front of you, some of your mother’s ways have become yours. What will it take for you to stop what you are doing that is unhealthy to you and/or your children, and start doing the positive actions that will benefit all of you?

I can’t risk my reputation amongst family, friends, and community. You have worked hard to become the many titles you are to the people that know you. If you sincerely would want to do something different in your personal life such as break off an engagement, divorce, or separate from your man, how would you go about doing it? Your plan could be one that makes the least amount of drama for you and those around you simply by stepping out on your own without speaking to anyone who knows you; rather, find assistance from strangers.

I am no better than I was a year, three years, or even seven years ago. Each passing year has not added to your being positively, but only took years of youth away, what steps could you make that would help you feel better about you? When was the last time you dreamed, planned, set a goal, and achieved it? Who or what would you blame for stopping you from becoming a better you?


I believe that I am helping my man become a better one. If you believe that enduring his abuse is somehow helping him become a better man, then take a moment to review the scars on your body. Would you be willing to allow him to murder you, so that he can get on with his life? Of course not, but the women who have been in similar situations, literally allowed themselves to die at the hands of their men, was it worth it?

I am repeating the same life that women around me have lived or are living and I’m not happy. You have noticed that you are repeating their patterns, have you bothered to question why you do the things you do? Who is benefiting when you act out behaviors that have caused you to feel the way you do? From the house being organized his way to how you spend the money that is rightfully yours, is he treating you fairly? Are you treating yourself fairly?

The world would be better off without me. You may have never felt this way until he came into your life. The arguing, fighting, name-calling, choking and so much more will make anyone feel as if they want to end it all. However, if you can think of one thing that makes your life worth living, that is your sign that everything is going to be alright, you will just have to make up in your mind that you will do what is right for you and/or your children.

When you have finished thinking about your life and why you feel it is still worth living with or without him, there is a book written just for you, entitled, “Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate” written by me, Nicholl McGuire. http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306/

I wrote this book, because I once walked, staggered, and fell in your shoes, I never intended to love a gentleman who would later show me the mean, angry, and bitter side of himself. He had not only hid that side in the beginning from me, but from my family too. This book is every abused woman’s diary of poetry although based on one woman’s experience. The feelings and thoughts I express as it relates to being let down and abused by men at the mere age of 21 when most young women are supposed to be enjoying life. It also contains challenging questions similar to the ones in this article that encourages the reader to get back in touch with the things that once mattered such as your independence, love, freedom, peace, and more.
As women, we enjoy talking about the troubled souls around us, yet when it comes to evaluating ourselves, we avoid it like a plague. It’s time to take control over your life and do what makes you happy! There is no one in this world that will bother to take care of someone who has given up on her self. This is one of the biggest secrets that men who control women know about them and that is why he won’t hesitate to hit you and apologize just one more time, and then one more time, and on…and on…and on…until you defend yourself mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually.

 Nicholl McGuire

More insight and details about this writer's experience may be found at http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306/



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Over 20 years office work experience, six years completed college coursework, background in print media and communications, recognized for exceptional attendance and received merit increase for past job performance, self-published author and part-time entrepreneur, Internet marketing and social media experience. Interned for non-profit organization, women's group and community service business. Additional experience: teaching/training others, customer service and sales. Learn more at Nicholl McGuire and Nicholl McGuire Media

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