People with Problems Coming to You

When Relatives Don't Listen and the Advisers Who Care About Them

As much as we want our loved ones to do what's right, especially when it comes to caring for themselves and others, some will refuse correction and attempt to discredit us because they don't want to do what's right.


I have watched rebellious relatives look for fault in myself and others because they knew what we said was honest and wise, but didn't want to change bad habits, toxic thoughts, or exercise self-control when dealing with others. 


Anyone who comes to a family function and chooses to share details about one's personal life with others, is setting themselves up for advice whether he or she wants to listen or not.  This is why many mature individuals don't have much to say about their feelings, personal habits, and more, because they know that if they aren't willing to change, there is nothing anyone can say to them that will make them want to do anything different.  They are not interested in debates, defending themselves, prefer not to experience the uncomfortable feelings that come along with being told what to do.  So they sit, observe, don't say much, and may even reflect on the dumb things they did in life, but one will never know. 


Some parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts just won't sit idly by and let young ones live and let live, they will say and do what they can to assist them.  However, this isn't typical behavior from elders, most rather let know-it-all and rebellious types fall on their faces first, then learn from lessons, before offering to pick them up.


Those familiar with biblical scripture know that pride does come before a fall.  When a wise one is witnessing a relative, who is standing on his or her soapbox preaching, boasting, or attempting to advise others while still dealing with issues themselves, notice he or she says nothing.  Why quarrel with someone who believes that he or she is doing everything right in his or her life?


Family gatherings can bring out the worst or the best in people depending on how stable or unstable in their minds they are.  Some family members wrestle with unresolved issues of the past that stem from things like: rejection, resentment, lies, abuse, and more, so they might not speak well of self and others.  Most often, their intent is to be on their best behavior, but sometimes internal and external disputes cause them to speak what's on their mind to anyone willing to listen.


When you find yourself struggling with those loved ones, who really aren't interested in being advised and more concerned with voicing their issues, if you have a faith, pray for them.  But whatever you do, don't allow their issues to affect your personal life--you have come too far to turn back now!


Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.   

Problems - You Know What to Do But You Don't Do It

Crying on a loved ones shoulder, calling people up to help you, reading articles, and commenting on YouTube videos, and yet you still are in the mess that you are in!  Some people have warned that if you keep doing what you are doing, things will only get worse.  Others have turned a deaf ear to you and no longer want to hear about your problems. 


You spend much time thinking about how to solve a problem or many, but what might be one of your biggest frustrations is not having the will to implement what you have learned.  At first you are delighted with the suggestions and feel empowered with all the knowledge, but a day or two later you fight with what you are not doing and what you should do.  The side of your brain that convinces you not to do something because it is new, different, cost money, and you don't know how others might respond, seems to always win.


Here is yet another bit of advice to help with defeating this hesitation within to avoid solving your issues.


1.  Reflect back on how you got in the mess that you are currently in and what could you have done differently.  What is in your power now to make some changes?  Back when issues first started, you may have had limitations and felt the need to rely on someone or something, is there still that same need or can you do some things on your own?  If so, then start working toward doing them independently without calling a relative or friend to validate everything you are or aren't doing.


2.  Forget what someone or the group told you to hinder progress.  "What if" statements and "You should" phrases with selfish motives will only keep you doing what you don't want to do.  For instance, a man makes an announcement that he no longer wants to keep working a certain position in the church and he really feels led by God to do something different.  If he is determined, no amount of persuasion or enticements is going to keep him where he knows he is no longer called to be.  He recognizes that his time of service in a certain position has a limit.  Do you know when you should step down, move out, relocate, or start something new?  If you are a believer, have you been taking the time to pray and meditate on holy scriptures or have you been doing your own thing lately?  Spend 20 minutes a day focused on your prayer life and receiving a word from your Creator while you take baby steps to get things done you know you should. 


3.  Notice the signs around you that warn you about your life.  Just as there are road signs that tell us not to turn, to yield, to stop, and more, what are your life warning signs telling you these days?  Is it health issues every time you eat a certain thing?  Is there a desire to learn something that you keep putting off?  Are there people around you that are trying to help, but you keep telling them, "I can do it...I will be okay."  Sometimes people looking on the outside in, know more about our situations when it comes to self, love, work, and play, then we do.  When do you stop making excuses and get to work on you while removing bad habits that are hindering progress?


4.  Create your to-do list and post it somewhere so that you can see it everyday.  If there is a project, item, or something else that needs to come out of a closet, garage, attic, storage, or somewhere else, take it out, clean it up, and start doing something with it.  Tackle the to-do list one day at a time. 


5.  Cut out and cut off distractions.  Think about this, if you had an emergency situation, would you want someone who could help you continue to play a video game, watch TV, surf the Internet, work long hours at a job, or talk on the phone?  So why are you doing these things to yourself?  Make an appointment with yourself to get things done.  Will you start every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday or daily between the hours of 5 a.m. and 7 a.m., during a lunch hour or 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.? 


6.  Encourage yourself to achieve accomplishments by surrounding yourself around like-minded people, visit places that can help you meet goals, and seek useful tools that will also assist you with getting things done!  What have you been missing out on that you should have been buying or doing?


7.  Don't let anyone or anything take all your money.  Designate a portion to go toward the things that you need to solve your problems.  What might those be?  For instance, if counseling is needed, a class, a tutor, babysitter, or legal assistance, then create a fund for your specific need.  Do you have a separate bank account or an envelope system to tend to your needs?  Don't borrow from it and don't tell others about it who can't help you contribute to that fund.  Also, seek out free products and services as well.


Now that you have seven more pieces of advice, don't put off what you could do now, address the issues in your life sooner rather than later!  Remember, think about the issues, note solutions, create your to-do list, make any necessary connections to people, places and things that will help you solve your problems while leaving the naysayers, enablers, and ignorant behind!


Nicholl McGuire has authored When Mothers Cry, Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic, Laboring to Love Myself, and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate as well as other books.

6 Signs It’s Time to Stop Taking Advice from Relatives or Friends

You love your family and think much of them.  When problems arise personally and professionally, you just might have a relative or two that you can confide in about your life challenges.   Sometimes one may continue sharing details of his or her life with certain individuals even after being repeatedly forewarned about them.  Trouble arises, the confrontation takes place, yet one still seeks advice from those who don't mean him or her well.  When does one stop taking advice from troubled loved ones?

One. When they are often proven wrong.

How much proof do you need when something a relative says proves to be incorrect on an frequent basis, or an exaggeration and a lie are told to you without a blink of an eye?  When you see the writing on the wall, quickly speak truth to your advisor, and then gradually start creating distance from him or her so that you won't be hurt again.

Two. When their track record shows they have yet to learn from past mistakes.

Some people are very good about advising you on what you should and shouldn't do, but do they take their own advice?  When you often see that one's counselor is often in disputes with others, can't seem to come up higher in his or her life, and is often critical of those they claim they love, you just might want to close your mouth on the specifics concerning your own life when speaking to him or her.

Three. When they claim to have a faith but rarely listen and obey their Maker or read and apply biblical text to their lives.

When was the last time your friend visited a church, read the Bible, or did something related to kingdom business other than sit on the phone and talk with you?  It is very easy to bring God into a conversation even when one isn't following His precepts.  Notice the hypocrite's ways, then put a brake on spiritual dialogue with him or her once you see that his or her "fruit," so to speak is spoiled.

Four. When people have warned you not to tell these people your personal business.

Most often relatives and friends have warned you of this because they either feel or learned that your trusted advisor has been sharing your private information with others.  Take heed and cut off personal details of your life.

Five. When they have shared confidential information about you with others without asking for permission.

This is similar to point 4, but is related to those people you may work with or have fraternal connections.  Unless you told an advisor "it's okay to share our discussion..." you have to wonder why would he or she take the liberty of doing so?  Watch what you say to these individuals, they may have recorded your conversation, and plan to use it to benefit them in the short or long term.  If you have a faith, pray.

Six. When they lie or avoid truth when confronted about questionable things said and practices.

This is a clear indication that
the person who you thought was a trusted friend is really a foe.  Why would they feel the need to lie if they weren't covering up something that they did or covering for someone else?

With so much evil speaking going on in our world, be cautious when talking about yourself and family with others.  Don't let a nice atmosphere, good food, and emotion cause you to drop your defenses in the presence of one you think you can trust.  Many marriages, family relationships, jobs, friendships, and more have been negatively impacted because of what someone said.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual perspectives on a variety of topics related to: relationships, family, business, and more.  Listen to her audio messages on Youtube and Sound Cloud

Ayida and Lenon Honor Positive Relationships 14 - YouTube

Thought this was interesting video for those of you who have large families ...reflecting on the past and dealing with the present as well as planning for the future.  Idea jogging video for your own family issues.

Ayida and Lenon Honor Positive Relationships 14 - YouTube

Why the Advisers You Choose Can Hinder Your Relationship Success

We have forgotten why we ask people to be witnesses to our marriages. Their role is so much more important than watching us repeat vows, kiss our mates, buy us gifts, and help us clean up after the wedding. They are also responsible for being the voices of wisdom for us during those times when we want to act like fools during our marriages. Without selecting the right type of witnesses, we are making a terrible error. Witnesses are suppose to help us maintain a solid foundation in our marriage, not help us tear it down.

Everyone has their own set of advisers whether it is the manager who confides in certain supervisors and employees to make tough decisions, the bishop who consults with his or her board members, or you asking for advice from your closest relatives. Someone is influencing you when you are attempting to solve problems in your personal or professional life. So why aren’t people more careful when choosing who they will go to when trying to rectify a broken relationship?

We could reason that some people feel obligated to befriend those who may have financially helped them and don’t want to appear as if they are only having a relationship solely for personal gain. Others may just call anyone who will listen without giving it a second thought, their friends’ relationships maybe just as bad if not worse. Then there are those people who just have too few wise people in their lives or just don’t care who they talk to about their problems. Therefore, they go to these poor advisers hoping they will provide them with a tidbit of wisdom that they may have been better off getting if they only took the time to meditate (those who are spiritual find some time to be alone, and look to God’s word for an answer while praying about their issues. Philippians 4:6-7)

Once the person who seeks counsel realizes the advice they received from their trusted friend doesn’t help matters, they become angry with self and then place blame on his or her counsel. “Why did I ask her what she thought? She can’t keep a man anyway, I would have never got into an argument with him had I not done what she said.”

Meanwhile, their mate is wondering where the questions, accusations, concerns, and ideas came from since his or her mood has now changed 180 degrees in less than five minutes. If he or she had kept their big mouth closed, they may have been able to solve their own problem. He or she could have given his or herself more time to think about why they feel the way they do about the relationship BEFORE they had placed the call or met with his or her adviser. One could have put his or herself in their mate’s shoes, and then found the time to discuss what was on his or her mind FIRST.

It makes you wonder how many divorces could have been prevented if couples had supportive family and friends around them that encouraged them to stay together rather than break up. When one decides to break off his or her relationship with their mate, it may not really be their decision to do it after all. Rather, it could have been the influence of a jealous family member who found fault with the mate because he or she was taking up too much time with them. As much as we love our family and friends, when you first told them about your new love, if you didn’t bother to pay close attention to those who were sincerely happy for you, from those who weren’t, then you may have missed the snake amongst your circle that you didn’t know you had and unfortunately you could be consulting with him or her and not even know it! If you have ever read the Bible, then you know of the story of Jesus who had his own circle of disciples and one was a traitor. Now if that could happen to a prophet, what do you think could be happening to you right now except you aren’t aware of it or maybe never bothered to think about it?

I personally saw my own relationships in the past decline not only because we may not have got along, but also because I allowed what people told me about my friends to influence the way I behaved toward them. If someone in the family didn’t like them, my happy spirit would diminish concerning my friend. I just wasn’t excited about them as much as I had been. Of course, the newness of all relationships begins to fade in time, but when seeking counsel from the wrong people, it fades much faster! You will find yourself second-guessing the relationship, finding fault with your new friend, making unnecessary accusations and assumptions, comparing them to the last person you were with because one of your advisers said, “He reminds me of…or remember your last girlfriend…”

Some advisers may be wise, but are controlling or lack self control. They may be so use to telling you what to do and you confiding in them that they put themselves in the driver seat of your relationship, because you allowed it. Other advisers feel so comfortable with your relationship with them that they feel like they can say anything, never giving a single thought of how it may make you feel. There is just too much analyzing what they say and exercising caution what you say to the point of exhaustion when speaking with these types. I put mothers and grandmothers in this category since they tend to be the most influential advisers of all. When you feel like your energy is being drained when talking to them, this should be a sign not to talk so much to them about your personal feelings about your relationship. Instead, you should be talking to your mate about what ails you. Yes, you will make mistakes when trying to communicate to your mate about your problems, but if you can’t make a mistake with them, then your relationship will never grow. The best, most successful relationships in life became that way because the couple allowed one another to fall, dust themselves off, and try again. With each attempt at addressing a concern or problem, they got better.

The most important lesson to be learned when choosing advisers and communicating with them is to remember to have your own set of boundaries of what you will or will not discuss. They are human just like you and they have made their share of mistakes, but if you allow them to put you on the judgment seat, you are giving them power that they should never have. A great adviser is one who will listen and challenge you to come up with your own solution to a problem. Like the game of basketball, they will put the ball back in your court and make you take it to the hoop. A bad adviser is a ball hog. They don’t pass the ball, they dribble it all over the place and drive it straight to the hoop even when they don’t and can’t make a good shot. This is a player you don’t need on your team.

Problems will occur in anyone’s relationship, but thanks to the Internet you can seek advice by reading and writing about your concern without anyone ever having to know it is you!

By Nicholl McGuire