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Saturday, October 19, 2013

Are you the emotionally, physically abused daughter or do you know one?

You may know her or be that one who is recovering from all the hardship of being raised by a parent who was emotionally and physically abusive toward you.

From name-calling to harsh punishment over things like:  low grades, talking back, being dishonest, crying too much, failing to comprehend commands, or not moving fast enough when an adult demands you act a certain way.  You or someone you know may not have the best private or public relationship with others.

People who have not walked in your shoes find it hard to understand why at times you tend to be absent in mind, body, spirit, or all three when interacting with them. Yet, what they fail to realize is that unlike them, what seems like meaningless statements, requests, or facial expressions, trigger emotions deep inside of you that isn’t always polite, nice, sweet, or kind.  You just might check out at times and forget for a moment what you were saying or doing. 

Sometimes abused female teens and women jump to conclusions, feel like they want to bite someone’s head off (especially during the menstural cycle or menopause), and might even cut the offenders out of their lives for what appears to be the littlest of things. For the one who has been abused, negative thoughts and reactions are normal. For onlookers, they determine one is crazy, strange, or needs some mental help like yesterday.

A strong-willed daughter, who might not be close to her father or mother, is going to function in society with hang-ups and handicaps.   She will go on to have somewhat healthy relationships, and take care of herself with proper guidance. If anything, for some abused women they do far better than others who were raised in so-called normal homes, because in their minds, they have something to prove. Dad said she was dumb and wouldn't do well in life, mom doubted her child was mentally stable, relatives found her peculiar, friends didn't quite understand her, yet she survives!

Survivors of emotional and physical abuse desire to be better than their controlling, abusive parents who most often had a mental disorder or two of their own, but may have never been diagnosed. The formerly abused want to treat others kindly and live a life that is relatively drama free! They aren’t asking for much, but for some women, trouble tends to follow them and remind them of their ugly past.

Present demons have a way of tempting the emotionally wounded daughter to hurt herself or someone else by picking with her.  They find faults where there are none, play mind games, deny insults and assaults, and act as if everything is okay when they are the creators of the dysfunction.  Therefore, the emotionally wounded daughter is once again disturbed by those who she thought loved her. 

It seems that some women just can’t seem to come up higher or get a break from emotional turmoil. They are attracting men and women like themselves, because sometimes what is familiar appears like it is okay when it is not.  Maybe for a time some abused women appear like they have a better command over their emotions, but when triggered, look out, all hell is going to break lose!

How can one keep his or her daughter out of danger from self and others? Well for starters, watch what you say and do.  Try to stay positive and do what is right, see yourself for who you really are when she points out how you might have hurt her.  Hurt people tend to repeat the same abuse or react in ways that look similar to their abusers if they never got any help for their personal demons. 

Reader, if you have unresolved issues, you can’t help others, not even your own children. They will see your faults and emulate them if you don’t bother to open up your mouth and say, “I am wrong. You don’t want to act like me or make the decisions I have made in life. Let me show you some good examples.”  Seek out a support system that can give you all immediate help.

Most self-righteous, prideful individuals, that don’t want to be held accountable for causing others harm, will refuse to humble themselves and admit failure. They rather blame a helpless child for their negative reactions. They prefer to look the other way when accused of unrighteous behavior. They rather ignore those who say, “I remember when you…” The controlling parent says, “Get over it…don’t hold things against me, I’m not perfect. Think about the good I have done for you!”

Telling someone to move on when they don’t know how to or can’t is not going to do anything more than create a deeper wedge in the relationship. 

Nicholl  McGuire Author and Poet

Her books include:
Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic
When Mothers Cry
Laboring to Love Myself
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street
Spiritual Poems By Nicholl

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

6 Things Relatives Will Do When They are Harboring Ill Feelings Toward Others

Whether you or someone you know offended mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, or someone else, there will be an unexplainable tension--a subtle feeling that someone doesn't like you as much as they use to, or some other negative emotion you will experience when in this person's presence, over-the-phone, or via email.

You may have been the one who made a statement that one who feels he or she is always right, honest, and great to get along with would disagree.  You might have overheard someone say something about you.  But whatever the offense, ill feelings will fester and rise over and over again until they are released.  Sometimes the release comes in ways that will leave people angry, bitter, confused, and unwilling to maintain a relationship/friendship with certain relatives.

So what are some things that your relatives might do when they are holding negative feelings toward other family members?

1. Badmouth them.

2. Lie or create stories that make them appear like they are the good guy.

3.  Spy or eavesdrop on conversations in the hopes that they will find out something that will add to their negative emotions.

4.  Act unfriendly.

5.  Start a fight with the one who offended them and anyone who is acting nicely toward the disgruntled family member's enemy.

6.  Be disrespectful, rude or arrogant so as to appear like he or she is more intelligent, wealthy, or favored by other family members.

There are plenty more, but these six points will help you spot a person who has issues with you or someone else in the family.  Be prepared for sudden anger outbursts, petty behaviors such as: loud yelling, name-calling, hurtful remarks--jokes, not calling relatives after confrontation, avoidance of family events, and the silent treatment.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

7 Things to Do When You Discover a Relative is Ill and Might Need Your Help

So you find out that you have a relative who is often mental or physically ill and you are concerned that you might be the one who will have to care for him or her, what to do?

One.  Meet with relatives about your concern.

Sometimes you will find that others will be willing to help if they are brought into the loop.  Enlist all the help you can.  Talk with family friends who might be willing to visit and care for the ill family member in your absence.  Explain to your own family what is going on with your relative, so that they will understand you won't be available at times.

Two.  Go with ill relative to doctor's appointments for a time to learn more about illness.

If you don't know why your relative is breathing a certain way, has something growing in a place that it shouldn't, or seems to often suffer with something, then you won't know how to watch out for trouble.  Ask questions at the doctor's office such as:  What to do many should she take...what should I look out for...if this happens, what should I do...?

Three.  Offer to assist relative and schedule a time when you will visit either daily, weekly or monthly.

Don't overextend yourself.  Find out when is the best time to assist relative and discuss with your family.

Four.  Research programs that will assist your relative if he or she is still able-bodied/independent.

Find out what non-profit groups will send nurses and others to help you care for ill family member.

Five.  Avoid committing yourself to help your relative when you know you have no desire to assist.

Some individuals have a breaking point where they just can't deal with the stress of caring for an adult, share your concern with others and call doctor's office to find out about alternatives.

Six.  Check out side effects of all medicines relative is taking.

The doctor will tell you about some side effects, but if you perform your own research you can find out if there are any pending lawsuits related to certain medicines.

Seven.  Arrange for an emergency care monitoring system through medical program and/or set up security cameras around the home depending on the illness (especially if it is one affecting the mind.)

If you feel uncomfortable leaving your relative alone, even though he or she appears to be taking care of his or herself, consider getting a device the relative could press if he or she should have an accident.  Also, use cameras to spot any questionable activity especially if the relative is an habitual liar.

Once you have made necessary phone calls, met with others, performed errands, and assisted relative with activities, remember to take time for yourself.  It can be very stressful watching and caring for a relative who can't do for his or herself.

Nicholl McGuire Author and Poet of When Mothers Cry


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