How to Stop Attracting Negative People in Your Life - wisdom, relationships

Prove Your Naysayers Wrong

Complain Too Much about Family, Friends?

Some people you know (might even be you) complain an awful lot about family members they supposedly "love so much" and "want what is best" but the truth is they are deceiving themselves to remain in relationships that often leave them feeling empty.

Relatives and friends aren't all good or all bad, but they exist and some either welcome themselves into your life or you invite them in to stay forever or always or kick them out.  The problem is that so many push away the wrong ones and keep the troubled folks near.  Why is that?  People with many issues like to stay close.  They are the ones who feed off the family love, respect, generosity and more and are also rewarded even when their mind and spirit aren't right.

The common belief is that because someone in the family is around meaning the one who is doing much that he or she should be compensated or given gifts just because.  But I disagree, I believe that God blesses those who are His own and not family favorites.

It's time to start thinking about those who smile in your face and often complain behind your back.  People who appear to be friendly, but are really more than nothing but vultures.  It is time to be free of status quo thinking of service equal reward and think more in terms of "What does my God think?"

Like the Israelites who complained much about their environment, what they ate, rules, and more, so too do ungrateful, rude, and backsliding family and friends.  Don't entertain them in your homes or welcome them to eat at your gatherings, negative people who are negative with others will eventually be negative with you.  We forgive but we don't forget about the lessons we have learned being mixed up with people even God has cursed.

Nicholl McGuire

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The Overuse of the Word "Family"

"I moved back because of family...I think it would be good to get together because of family...I think it would be nice if the family could...We should meet her family...You should help them because that is your family...I think the family should pitch in to help..."  Family, family, family!  We all get it!

There is that one in the family who loves putting an emphasis on what he or she believes family should or shouldn't do.  This person will rally up support from family members (typically the gullible ones) for his or her personal beliefs while hoping that he or she will get some sort of benefit out of the deal.  Whether the one preaching "family" is the mother, father, sister, brother or whoever else, most relatives don't bother to think, "Well, what's in it for her/him?  Why the push for family togetherness after all these years?  Why is he/she so adamant that his or her son or daughter come back to the hometown to stay?  What is the real meaning as to why he or she is talking much about family these days?"

In my years of doing what family say, rather than what I say, I have learned that the motives for some relatives on preaching family togetherness, even when there is no family closeness, is because that person (who screams the loudest) most likely has been influenced by another family he or she has married into or befriended outside of the bloodline.  This person is like the former smoker, who has kicked the habit, therefore he or she wants everyone else to quit.  "Why is everyone angry at one another, come on we are family!?  Why don't we go in and out of each other's homes--aren't we family?" she yells.  The family preacher, if you will, can be annoying with all his or her statements about "family" and "...getting along" while telling his or her own family, "What goes on in this house, stays in this house!" 

Oftentimes the family preacher is personally miserable while being judgmental toward others.  He or she knows that some people in the family will never change especially toward him or her who doesn't know when to be quiet or when to speak up.  Almost always this same person forgets his or her negative contributions to breaking the family down with things like: a quick tongue, moodiness, pride, lying, silent treatment, greed, selfishness, being unsupportive in times of need, and more!

Cheaters, manipulators, liars, pimps, hustlers, financially poor, and the moody seem to be the biggest preachers of family togetherness because they know that someone in the group will be weak enough to follow them.  "Yeah, sure...let's get together...we haven't seen the family in awhile...I'm in!"  The miserable circle of relatives, who sometimes mask their negativity well, get together on organizing the family campaign that usually causes more harm than good over time.  After all the party goers have left the show and the decor has been taken down and money spent, the disheartening family stories arise of the miserable group asking for money, wanting this, and needing that!

I caution readers of this blog to be wise in your decision-making when it comes to hiring, firing, marrying, divorcing, moving near, or moving away from intermediate family members as well as extended ones.  Whatever you choose, be mindful that someone will say or do something to keep you near or far, not for your benefit, but for theirs.

Nicholl McGuire

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Didn't Choose Them

When I was a baby,

I was born to a lady

that I didn't choose

who easily blew her fuse.

 

Thought I had the best,

until she was put to the test.

Now this I must confess,

didn't know God to bless.

 

Then there was a dad,

who was sad.

I wasn't the little lad,

so he was mad.

 

Life didn't start with people

who ran and prayed under a steeple.

They weren't all nice,

nor did their words entice.

 

There was no different me

for the world to see.

I had to leave, I had to break free!

 

I was just like all the rest,

forced to do my very best.

Then later in life,

put parents to test.

 

No, I didn't choose them.

My past would get dim.

Had to live and learn,

get spiritual to discern.

Who was friend and

who was really foe?

Too many relatives put on a show.

 

Grew older, got wise,

could see between all the lies.

 

Had children of my own,

and oh, how they had grown!

 

Didn't think too much about my people,

still avoiding the Jesus that was on the steeple.

 

Now I'm not sharing for sympathy,

and could care less about empathy.

But what you need to know,

before I go,

is that there is more to life than putting on a show.

 

 

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog and others.  Check out her latest blog Face Your Foe Other blogs: Work Place Problems and Spiritual Poems By Nicholl.

When Loved Ones Grow Apart

It doesn't matter what the title the loved one holds, if he or she is a liar, cheat, adulterer, angry, bitter, or has a lifestyle that you don't agree with, you have a right to permit whoever you want in your inner circle.  Will you be judged, ridiculed, or treated badly by others for your actions?  Probably.  But the great thing about being an adult and having a mind and life of your own, you can call the shots in your personal life.  No government, religion, or anyone else can make you do anything with your mind unless you allow them to have it. 

Sometimes we permit people to be in our lives for a season because they are bringing something to the table.  They are helping us achieve certain goals, build us up, teach us, and more.  We may also be a help to them as well.  However, the relationship between parents, sibilings, and other relatives tend to take an ugly turn when one or both parties can no longer see eye to eye, don't see the purpose anymore of relating to one another, or have simply changed due to life events.  One or both no longer see any benefit in communicating, visiting, or assisting each other any longer.  This isn't necessarily a good or bad thing, it just is. 

People grow weary of negativity.  They get tired of the same conversations about the same people.  They desire to have a more uplifting and helpful kind of relationship that grows with them.  But what happens, is we all can become stale, boring, or even odd over the course of our lives and not everyone is going to keep welcoming us in their presence.  This is why some people truly stop calling or coming around.  Being busy is often true, but there is also a truth that many family members, neighbors, friends don't say because they don't want to hurt feelings, and that is, "I am so done with you...I'm over all of that!  Can't you get a life?!  Why do we keep talking about the same things?  Is there anything more going on with you besides...?"

There are those relatives who witness a once close parent and child relationship or siblings become distant and they hurt inside and want to see them interact like in the past.  But people change.  They just aren't going to remain the same for the rest of their lives, they will either get better or get worse. 

When life deals us a bad hand, we keep playing the game--we don't quit.  We strategize in such a way that we don't have to lose too badly.  Carrying negative people along in our lives will make us want to do things we don't want to do like quit the game of life ie.) marriage, raising children, relocating, etc. prematurely.  So if we are going to go down, we rather do it alone then with someone who may or may not know that he or she is helping us stay down with all his or her criticism, bad experiences, and overall miserable outlook on life.

So if you are one who is growing apart from some family members, don't look at it as a bad thing.  They don't even have to be negative people, just people you are no longer interested in.  Don't beat yourself up about it and don't take on any guilty feelings that others try to place on you because you have changed. 

Consider that for this time in your life, distancing yourself from certain people is giving yourself the permission to grow--to become the kind of person you want to be!  Now if you are the one who is concerned about others' familial relationships, know that people have their reasons as to why they behave like they do and it is just best to give them space; otherwise you get too much involved, those who are at odds with one another may turn against you one day.  Let time heal some wounds.

Nicholl McGuire

When to Cut Off Certain Family Members, Friends From Your Private Life

When to Cut Off Certain Family Members, Friends From Your Private Life

8 Things Family Will Do to Get You to Stop Being Distant

They are in your family and mine. You met some of them when your partner introduced them to you. These fake, ignorant, negative and absent-minded people are the ones that call you up and say, “How come you don’t come around anymore? We use to be so close what happened? He never bothers with our family. She always stays away…” Let’s assume that everyone, who is reading this article, has become distant from their relatives, not because they are being controlled by anyone or have some mental condition. Rather, you and I don’t bother with some of these people we call “family,” because we would like to live our lives with a little less drama, had some bad experiences with them, or maybe we noticed something negative within ourselves that we don’t like which resulted from being around some of these manipulative family members.

So how does your being distant affect your relationship with them in the present and immediate future? As for those of you who don’t have this kind of family drama, at least not yet, the following will provide you with some insight you will need to keep in mind in case you have to distant yourself too.

One. Expect family to forget about the wrongs they have committed against you.

Many fake, absent-minded relatives fall into this group. They smile and tell everyone how great you are and brag about your accomplishments, but when someone probes about your whereabouts, their expression changes and they will make up some excuse. When you bring up a discussion about the past with them, they don’t remember anything they have done to you, “I don’t remember ever doing that to you…” they say. Yet, they will recite a lengthy list of how you made them feel and what you did to make them so angry. This kind of conversation will usually end with someone shouting, hanging up the phone or walking out the room. It is better to keep one’s distance until you have better control over your emotions and you have forgiven them or vice versa. In some cases, it may be better just to stay away.

These relatives are also the ones that are too ignorant or self-absorbed to understand what part they played as to why you just aren’t excited about being in their presence. Who wants to hang around someone who was violent toward the family and still acts controlling? Someone who is overly critical or can’t seem to keep their mouth shut without insulting someone? Or someone else who drinks or does drugs? There are so many who advise to get over past memories, but sometimes creating distance can be an individual’s way to get over things. So family should expect and respect it.

Two. Some family may remember their faults, but convince others that you exaggerated, lied or will deny anything ever happened.

These relatives are more interested in sharing their negative experience about you to others, but don’t realize how bad they look in those same people’s eyes. Some family members may fall for the exaggerations and lies, because maybe they didn’t have a great experience with you either, while others will know what he or she is up to such as “saving face” and will tell you about it. Ultimately, what these negative types are trying to do is get you to react to their actions, so that they can tell you how they feel while appearing as if they were working things out with you, but you are the “unreasonable, emotional…” one that “never would listen to anyone.”

Three. They will suggest to others that you are at fault and will act ignorant of the details.

Once again these angry relatives feel it is better to place blame, then to hold themselves accountable for their own actions leading to your acting distant. When other family members ask them, “Well why did she really leave? What did you do to cause him not to come around?” They play deaf, dumb, and blind to the questioning, “I don’t know…I could never figure him out…She has always been that way.”

Four. They will keep silent on anything pertaining to you, so that they don’t look like the bad guy or girl.

Some family will just go through life acting as if you never existed. Conversations with your name will come up and they won’t agree, disagree, add to it, or take away from it. They have written you off with or without a notice.

Five. When they see they can’t move you, they will bad mouth you to others.

These family members are the ones that have repeatedly invited you to events, tried to bribe you, used your children to get closer to you, etc. and when they see that you aren’t “coming out of your shell” or “opening up,” things aren’t happening fast enough or their vision of what a close family looks like isn’t being fulfilled, they will talk negatively behind your back. Usually saying something like, “He isolates himself. She is controlling. She never wants to do anything. He is weird.”

Six. They will attempt to control you by making you feel guilty.

“The least you could have done is showed up for your uncle’s funeral…” They want you to come around because someone died, someone needs help, or someone is sick and so on. When you don’t “do as your told,” they tell you something like, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. What would daddy think? That is your only brother. You know mom always wanted us to be close…” Is your presence really that significant to them or does it really mean they are just trying to get something out of you for their own benefit (i.e. money)?

Seven. They will use other family members to tell you how bad you are for not being close to them.

Your sister suddenly calls with a long conversation about “how we all need to be close,” your dad tells you how much it would mean to him if you would do one thing or another, and they may even use the family pet to howl or meow into the phone giving his or her 2 cent worth! Don’t fall for this trap if you aren’t ready to get back involved with them. Otherwise, you will find yourself resenting them all over again.

But if you are ready to accept them into your life again, protect your heart, even if you are really the one at fault. Don’t do anything you don’t sincerely want to do for them, no matter what they say. If you do, you could be setting yourself up for a relationship based on their needs and not on what kind of person you are. Most of all, never repeat the same mistakes from the past that caused you to become distant in the first place.

Eight. They will use other family members, your partner, children, friends, events, places, things, money, and gifts to get you to act in ways that they believe you should act toward them.

Remember each member of your family has his or her definition of what “close” means to them. Now who really bothers to sit down and interview each one on what exactly do they mean by being a “close” family? Most people don’t even think about it. Maybe you should find out what exactly they mean.

Avoid welcoming your family into your life, before you are ready, just because they gave you money, time, gift or invited you to an event. Not everyone will like one another; therefore, not everyone is obligated to sit down and enjoy one another’s company either. Unless you know that you have addressed past issues that caused your distance or them distancing from you, are mentally strong to deal with their irritating behaviors and the negative things they may say to you, by all means accept them; otherwise leave them alone. You will be saving yourself a lot of unnecessary stress.

Sometimes when family haven’t seen or heard from you in awhile they will start off the conversation talking about a number of issues they directly or indirectly had with you: how they “tried to get in contact with you” and that “you shouldn’t be so distant,” you missed out on a past event, they were going to do something for you but didn’t because they hadn’t heard from you, and so on. If you aren’t ready to hear all of their concerns, suggestions, and complaints, now would not be a good time to pick up the phone, or you might find yourself wanting to hang up on him or her.

“I just want our family to be close,” I’m sure you have heard this quote from someone. However, what this well-meaning family member fails to realize is that their definition of “close” doesn’t and shouldn’t be applied to everyone. As people become older, have families, and think independently, they will interact with others in a way that makes them feel comfortable. “So he doesn’t come to the family home for the holidays? So she wants to stay in a hotel when she comes to visit her mother? So he prefers to spend the day over his in-laws, rather than with you? So she doesn’t like to come around when there are a lot of people over your home! SO WHAT!” Remind yourself to say that to someone who is complaining about their relative’s absence at family events or distance from the family. Remember there are two sides to every story and sometimes it’s better for the other party to just keep his or her distance. Their behavior may or may not have something to do with their fake, negative, ignorant, and absent –minded relatives. “If more people would just leave well enough alone,” as one hypocritical family member commented, “the world would be a better place.”

By Nicholl McGuire