How to Give Negative News to Someone About an Ex or Former In-law | NM Enterprise 7

Family Members who Support Sinful Behaviors - enablers, codependents

On Enabling, Supporting Those Who Hurt Others

Strife (quarreling, disputes, fights)

Choosing Your Family Wisely

When They Complain - How God Deals with Them

Severed the Ties Now Facing an Enemy 2 of 2 - arguments, difficult people

Family Mess - Avoid the Drama - Be Free

Not Talking to Family Members

It happens, you just don't want to deal with your family.  No one is judging, condemning, or being mean about your feelings or actions.  Whether you want to stay away for a long time or forever from family members whether difficult or not, you have every right.

Sometimes we just don't have the mental capacity to deal with anyone else other than those that we live with.  It can be simply too much to deal with all the trials and tribulations that come with dealing with a few or many people.

Family might not understand and may pressure you to change your mind, but stand your ground anyway.  It is when we are tired, broken, angry, confused, frustrated, and more that we should stay away from family and mutual connections.  However, there are times when we are experiencing nothing more than positive things in our lives that it would be wise to stay away from negative people.

There is a time to converse with loved ones and a time not to, this might be the season that you are in or working to be in, so embrace and protect it.  Teach children to guard their mouths and hearts as well.

Nicholl McGuire, Should I Go to the Party?

Power and Control: The People in Your Life that Have Far Too Much Access

When Families Expect a Return on Their Investment - Food, Shelter, Sacrifice

No matter how much you or someone else thinks that a parent, grandparent, or other relative should be paid back "...after all I did for my son...my daughter..." think again!  The parent did nothing more for children then what is required by law--food, shelter, etc.  Now if Mom, Dad, Grandparents went above and beyond, that's great, but if all one receives is a "Thank you," be happy for that.  Don't expect frequent phone calls, cards that say "You're the best!" and other similar things. 


Sacrifices are made everyday for sons and daughters from the mother who chooses to quit a job and stay home with children to a father who takes on a job that pays him less so he can be available to his family.  So when that inevitable decline in one's bond with offspring begins here and there over a lifetime (20s, 30s 40s plus), why badmouth children, shoot messengers, act prideful, self-righteous or anything else?


The negativity arises in so many families when enablers act as if what a parent, grandparent or others have done is justified such as:  expecting a son or daughter to acknowledge a holiday, visit a relative, provide service, appreciation, etc.  Most enablers have not walked in the disappointed daughter's or son's shoes with a toxic family.  So they become nothing more than mouth pieces, not necessarily peace-makers, who attempt to make themselves feel good by saying nothing new, different, or beneficial.  They talk only to hear themselves speak and at times they are parakeets for the toxic relatives.  Getting involved in disagreements, especially involving mothers and daughters and fathers and sons as well as others, is tiresome and usually no good deed goes unpunished.


Consider what a parent or grandparent has done over time that has caused distance between not only one's children, but others in the family, friends, neighbors, etc.  Take notice when you or someone else is being used in a way that makes the trouble-making relative feel good.  Sooner or later he or she will be a problem for you or others you know, if not already.


Much of the fuss goes back to those days when a troubled parent felt he or she could control his or her children.  They used what they could like:  providing basic needs, periodic gifts, and service to gain control.  They convinced children that they sincerely cared, but in time selfish reasons were revealed. 


To think that one should receive a return on investment from children is unintelligent.  Think about the financial obligations they have that parents didn't or wouldn't help with.  The pain of losing a near and dear relative that may not have been that parent's favorite person.  The issues sons and daughters have to deal with in marriage, divorce, parenting, and more.  How foolish a parent, who has caused his or her share of emotional and/or physical drama with children on and off over a period of years, to even think sons and daughters should/better/ought to have a close relationship!


The truth is a family reaps what they sow even with descendants.  Take a moment to ponder on what you are permitting to go on with your own children and how your actions or in-actions are affecting your relationship with them in the short or long-term.  No matter what you do or don't for children, there will come a time or many times when they just aren't into family particularly when they are tired of being hurt by them.


Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.  

What's Right About Family Members, What's Wrong

When it comes to thinking about what's right about family, words come to mind like: love, patience, peace, money, fun, and laughter.  When I think of what is wrong when it comes to family, I see words like: pain, discovery, hope, help, anger, abuse, rage, sadness, and regret.


So much time wasted over the years with strange people who liked the sound of saying things like, "I love you...I will help you...Don't worry...Be good..." yet failed miserably at being good examples (of course some, not all).  I think of those who meant well, but had far too many demons in their closets to help anyone much less themselves.


I have been hopeful over the years that the sick, confused, and blind family members will be made well.  I have wished that widows would find love again and broken-hearted mothers would do other things with their lives besides provoke their children to anger with all their unreasonable requests.


Family just doesn't mean the same for all people.  Those that I have witnessed who truly loved their families took the bitter with the sweet and worked together so that all in their circle could live reasonably well.  However, those who claimed to love their families didn't do anything more than to make bad situations worse with all their lies, exaggerations, gas lighting, fighting, and more.  Then these same individuals would act as if nothing they did was ever wrong!


I think when you have a great set of relatives, you should appreciate them.  Show them just how much you care and offer service every now and again.  But when you have toxic relatives, you should go no contact, and find a new family.  Adopt parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, and others who can show you love and enjoy your presence.  I personally believe there is a Creator who allows such things to happen.  New people are welcomed into lives while old people are pushed out.  I hope for nothing but the best for those of you who honestly desire healthy relationships and that you will sincerely find what you have been looking for before you close your eyes forever.


Nicholl McGuire

You Can't Make Them Like You

You may have bought your loved ones gifts, offered a helping hand, stayed on the phone listening to their every problem, and told them a million times, "I love you,"  but despite all your efforts, you learn from other relatives that they don't like you much.

Why is it that some relatives think that you will never learn the truth about what they really think about you?  There is a lot said in flippant comments, the family member who thinks that you are "...nothing but a...." is going to pretend like they honestly care about you, at least in front of your face, but behind your back, well that is a different story!  "Well, I wish she would get her life together...he is too old behaving like that...I never really liked either of them...Sometimes I have to pray they don't call me or come around." the critical relative might say.

Observers will ask, "Why do you bother?  Why go out of your way?  You know he/she doesn't like you?"  Most good-hearted people will reason/defend/excuse/ignore the negativity that they are being given.  "I know what my Bible says...What goes around, comes back around...I do what I do, because I love him/her."  But the concerned relative will retort, "But he/she is USING you!  Don't you get it!?  Do you really want to know what this person thinks about you?"

The unfavored ones, who were never considered the favorite ones by parents, will work real hard to prove themselves.  They will do what they can to win favor with family members.  They will use their actions to scream out loud, "Don't forget about me!  I love you!"  But the reality is, that no matter how many Thinking of You cards you send them, how much money/gifts you put in the mail, and family events you attend to show support, some people are simply mean-spirited.  Some believers will even ignore their Heavenly Creator's admonition to, "Keep away...don't call...don't come around for a time."  There is a season for all things when it comes to reaching out to family; therefore, one must know when his or her season is over for giving and being available to extended relatives.  Sometimes how someone feels about you has nothing to do with taking a time out from him or her (although it might be necessary), but the time-out has everything to do with readjusting your focus on keeping the peace in your household, dealing with personal issues on the home front and troubles elsewhere in your life.  Extended relatives must be placed on the back-burner when personal problems begin to mount.  But what some will do is attempt to feel good about their lives, by doing for others so that they don't have to deal with issues on the home front--this type of thinking is unwise and will lead to much heartache in one's personal and/or professional life. 

Think of the many relationships that have been destroyed because a partner's mindset was all about getting someone in their family circle to like them.  The individual totes children, partner, gift bags, and food over to a house that isn't very inviting even loved ones will comment, "They don't like us, why do we come over here?"  The host puts on a fake smile while whispering some negative remarks to other family members.  When confronted about his or her behavior, the response goes something like this, "You didn't have to do this...I didn't really invite you...Why do you bother calling or coming around?"  Wow, what a reality check!  However, most family members don't want to look like a spit-fire demon, so they will put on an act, "Glad you came...Oh, this is for me?  You shouldn't have."

When you know that people have proven over and over again that they just don't like you for any number of reasons that might make sense or might not, guard your heart and your wallet!  Consider what people are telling you about some of your relatives and avoid the temptation to defend the users and abusers.

Nicholl McGuire