Family Fights with Troubled Relatives - How to Avoid

When I was a child I had no choice but to witness relatives arguing and physically fighting about any number of issues. I felt afraid, worried, and saddened sometimes for days after their emotional outbursts. It was hard to concentrate on studies and listen to adults’ requests when the concern was always there, “What if I do this wrong…say that…will I get hurt too?” Sometimes I got it wrong and before long I was being yelled at or threatened.  By the time I got older and stronger I stopped being afraid and I stood up to the bullies in the family.

I learned that you can avoid family fights very easily if you are willing to make some changes and not be a part of the action from the start. So the following is a list of true and tried things I did over the years and I hope that what I share helps others.

1) Don’t visit anyone’s home that has a long history of drinking, drug use, and emotional highs and lows. Simply put, you are asking for trouble when you do. Cast aside the endearing titles and look at the person for who he or she is, “Is my ________ really acting like a friend to this family or a foe?” Then make arrangements not to keep going around this person especially with watchful children in tote.

2) Avoid arguing by walking away. Don’t turn your back on the argumentative individual, but do get out of the setting where he or she feels like it is okay to go off on you as well as others. When you turn your back, you are also putting yourself at risk of being blindsided by one’s hits or a flying object.

3) Don’t expect to be heard. No matter how much you say things like, “I am just telling you this because I love you…I want what is best for you…Will you just listen to me?” Difficult people will not hear anything good under stress. You can talk until you are blue in the face and they will still see things in the way they want. Save your breath.

4)  The Know-It-Alls in the family feed off of confusion so as to appear all-knowing, peacemakers, and anything that makes them look and feel good. When in the presence of know-it-all family members, don’t say too much. This way there is nothing that they can use to debate about. Sometimes a head nod is all you can do with some of these folks even a “How are you?” in what sounds like the wrong tone to them will be taken to mean something else.

5) Find the time to be around the family members and friends you do enjoy. Sometimes the only way you are going to have the kind of fun you want with your favorites is making arrangements with them only. Skip the family holiday events and invite them when you get ready. Sure, the naysayers will talk, so what! You are welcome to connect with whoever you want when you want--that is the benefit of being an adult, so act like it.

6) Lastly, know your limits. You can establish boundaries by telling a relative or family friend upfront what you don’t want to talk about and if the matter is brought up you will shorten your visit. When you feel the heat rising up in your chest and you feel like you are ready to explode because your request was violated, excuse yourself, count to 10. Alert your partner, “It’s time to go,” pack up the children, and head on out the door. Why make yourself stay in a setting that is obviously making your blood boil?

I have two books I would like for readers of this blog to purchase if you find yourself having to deal with family related issues involving a matriarch or patriarch. See Say Goodbye to Dad and Tell Me Mother You’re Sorry by Nicholl McGuire. These books were written for those who are either thinking of going no contact, low contact, or have memory of a difficult parent and find yourself doing similar things. These books are great reads for those who have challenging in-laws as well. Get both books today! 

Nicholl McGuire is the owner and manager of this blog.

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What to Do About Moody Relatives with an Ax to Grind Whether You Know It or Not

There are just some relatives that will not show any love no matter what time of year it is.  From Valentine's Day to Christmas, the family issues will continue to mount and some will say nothing until one day they just explode.  A small event triggers a major one and before long everyone is angry, sad or ready to fight.

Moody relatives, who have much negativity to say about relatives and friends, are to be avoided if you want to keep the peace in your own family.  You don't want to spend too much time being around them especially when you know they have their share of relationship challenges, difficult children, and personal misery.  Many relatives and friends set themselves up by trying to uplift some people that have a long history of saying and doing toxic things to others.  If you must connect with these people, do it after the holiday(s).

There are some people who wait for good times to spill the beans about this issue and that one.  They have an ax to grind with someone and so they seek an unsuspecting relative or friend to help sharpen it.  These people, who so readily believe whatever they hear, get cut in the process.  It is always better to stay out of others' quarrels.  But if you must be involved in a family dispute, before you jump in, choose to advise, or be there for someone who might be the scapegoat or black sheep in the family, do the following:

1.  Find out more about why this person is so upset.  Look at both sides, not just the complaining person's point of view.
2.  Don't badmouth relatives and friends to the hurt individual, because if he or she should one day befriend the enemy, your conversation just might come back up.
3.  Don't offer to lie, cover-up, or validate anything he or she says.  Listen without judgment.
4.  Share what you know with others only if the person confiding in you wants you to.  This might occur if he or she wants you to talk to someone for him or her.  However, be cautious doing this because the person who might be on no contact could turn on you for passing information to him or her.
5.  Avoid the shame, guilt, and other emotions that could make you feel obligated to helping this person.  Advise only if he or she is willing to listen to you.
6.  If you find that the family issue is affecting other areas of your life, distance yourself.  Don't be so available to take phone calls, visit homes, and perform service for the quarrelsome relatives or friends.

Not everyone is able to help moody relatives or family friends who just can't seem to get along with people.  When efforts at peace have failed and the person rather keep issues going, don't get involved with the individual or those who encourage the family fighting.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.