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Monday, December 30, 2013

What to do if an in-law does not like you

It happens, people will not like you no matter what you do including in-laws.  There are mothers, fathers, stepmothers and stepfathers who just won't accept the odd, strange, different color, ethnicity, big, little, educated, uneducated, or poor walking through their door.  So what do you do?  Move on with your life!

We spend far too much time trying to figure out how to deal with people that we don't bother thinking about how not to deal with them.  You aren't required to go over your spouse's families' home just because you married him or her.  You don't have to sit down and break bread with people who don't mind joking about the way you look or how you talk.  Your spouse wants to be with his or her family so much, let him or her!  Opt out sometimes.  Don't try to persuade your partner not to visit relatives, but encourage him or her.  You never want to be accused of keeping your partner away from his or her family.  Use your free time wisely--visit your own family and friends, catch up with some chores around the house, tweak your business, or simply relax.  Think, when will you get a quiet house to yourself again?

Now when it comes to having to deal with an in-law that doesn't like you, you can do the following:

1.  Object to what he or she is saying that offends you.

2.  Communicate your concerns openly and honestly about what bothers you and pray that your partner will be understanding.

3.  Busy yourself when this person is around such as: go out of the home, step away and talk on your cell-phone, assist others around you, or bring something to entertain you like headphones and an mp3 player.  You can also schedule to work on the holidays so that you don't have to attend family gatherings.

4.  Allow the voicemail to catch all phone calls from the in-law.

5.  Don't respond to any written correspondence or phone calls if you know this person is known to lie and spread rumors--always have a witness.

6.  Avoid going to the in-laws home and don't invite this person to your home especially when you have had a falling out with this person.  If your spouse has an issue with it, then you will have to question your partner's loyalty?  He or she can easily make arrangements to see his or her family without bringing them to the family home.  If mom/dad/siblings wins and the partner welcomes them despite their disrespectful behavior, you can always pack--this sends a loud message to your partner, compromise or else. 

But for those who need a little more than what this blog entry is providing, see the following link:

What to do if an in-law does not like you

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Never Assume Your Children are Loved by All Relatives and Friends

They are nerve-racking, needy, and demand attention in the eyes of those who aren't all that excited about children being in their presence.  Children are not well-received by selfish individuals with a million things on their minds, but spending quality time with the little people, teens or disabled youth. 

People who are often nervous, easily irritated and impatient with children need not open their hearts or wallets if they are ill-prepared to spend time with them.  Parents who think they are doing "a nice thing" by letting children visit with select relatives, who have displayed instability in the past, think again!  Distance yourself from the difficult, the toxic, and the downright crazy in your family.  What other relatives might think of your actions, your personal feelings about those who hold titles in your life, and your own reputation should have no bearing when it comes to making a decision on whether children should stay with family.

Some of the best parents, grandparents, educators, and care-takers of children are those who simply see them as human beings--not headaches.  They are patient, loving and kind when it comes to interacting with children.  They don't lose their cool over the littlest infractions.  Children will have accidents, won't always follow instructions, and don't always act or play nicely.  Rather than focus on a child's faults by berating them or making them feel worse because they are in error, the professional will listen to the child's explanation then speak to the child in a controlled voice, possibly firm, while showing them what they did wrong along with reminding the children what is the right way to do or say something.  The child is given a series of choices to make a wrong right.  Good behavior is often rewarded and consequences are consistently executed if there are repeated violations.  Lovers of children know how to sit down and converse with children and manage them in such a way that is fun, informative, strict or interesting depending on the children's personality.  Parents, who act in similar ways, ultimately get well-adjusted children who don't give their them too many problems.  However, when you place children in a stressful environment with stressed out people, anything is bound to happen!

It is best that children are not left with the angry drill sergeant relative, a menopausal Mable who believes only God will heal her condition, or a Bitter Bill who is still holding grudges against his own parents.  A parent is asking for trouble sooner or later when you take too many chances dropping children off with unstable individuals.  Cut back on work hours, time-consuming responsibilities, and other activities when you find yourself relying far too much on parents, grandparents and others watching your children.  If you can't be present at a relative's residence with your children or are unable to put a short time limit on visits, don't drop them off! 

Parents who are desperate for a babysitter should look for alternative care when children are obviously in distress before, during or after visiting with relatives.

Nicholl McGuire, a author/poet/speaker maintains this blog and others and writes articles for various websites.  Listen and watch video related to spiritual issues on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Covert Narcissist: A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing. Closet Narcissism. ...

To the outside world, some relatives are just loved and glorified, but those who live with them, know better!  You might have a spouse, brother, sister, or cousin who is like this, a covert narcissist, one who knows how to act like he cares about others when in reality, he just uses them for selfish gain. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Sometimes What They Don't Know will Hurt Them

Growing up in a family who thinks keeping secrets is always okay, wrecks much havoc on the innocent in more ways than one.  Relatives distrust one another when the truth finally comes out.  People don't call or come around as much. 

A question for most individuals negatively impacted by things hid in the dark, so to speak, might be, "Why wasn't I told years ago?  How could everyone keep this from me?"  When lies are uncovered, and truth is your truth, it hurts.  However, it is a very different story when the lies or truth about someone else have little to do with you.  People can become insensitive, expect people to get over some things in their time, be aggressive about discovering more truth, and so on.  With so many voices around saying one thing or another, the one hurt by years of story-telling may want nothing more from relatives but silence.  Respect that!

Don't wonder why some loved ones don't bother coming around for family events.  Victims of  exaggerations, fabrications, and half-truths, get weary of experiencing the following:  uncomfortable feelings, guarding their hearts, watching every little thing they say, and so on.  How can one have a good time in the company of deceivers?  How is one able to forgive and forget over night when it took years to keep secrets?

Sometimes what you don't know will hurt you and others.  This is why some of the best friendships fall apart, people knew things, but never told.  Of course, we have to use discretion when sharing past stories with others, especially loose canons, but there are ways to subtly expose lies.  Here are a few.

1.  Direct the person to the source of the secrets without explaining anything in detail.  "You might want to talk to Aunt Sally about that...she knows a lot about the past or maybe talk to Uncle Bill, he doesn't mind sharing truth about the family."

2.  Use photos, family history documents, and other things related to past events and pose questions  in a way that will get the listener to start to think.

3.  Don't talk to the relative about what you think you might know.  Stand by everything you do know when confronted.

4.  When sharing information that include others, leave the names out who told you about certain events.  But if you don't care about a future confrontation and feel like you are protected, then by all means, speak what you know.

People who know secrets about others should never assume anything, add to their stories, or appear like they know all the facts when they really don't!  If approached, remember to lead the person to others who may want to talk about what they have been hiding all these years.

Nicholl McGuire


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