Sunday, June 19, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Children don’t suddenly tell their parents one day they are playing favorites. They have been watching their parents act in ways for awhile that have made them feel as if they love, care, and like their siblings more than them.
When parents are told about their behavior, they usually deny that they are playing favorites and will follow up with a statement like, “I love all my children the same.” Actions speak louder than words, so let’s look at what some parents are doing that make at least one of their children feel that they are being treated unfairly.
When giving praises and compliments…
Some parents just don’t know how to distribute positive words effectively. They are either preoccupied with other things, reenacting how they were treated as a child, or are too hurt by the past actions of their children to bother to say anything that will encourage them. The children who may need more attention than the others know that they have problems and don’t need their parents to continue to remind them of this, rather they need help and it is up to the parents to do what it takes to get them the help they need and back on the right track. Making comparisons between children or thinking that praising the other siblings will make “the problem child” perform better, doesn’t do anything for them but build resentment.
When shopping, some parents have taken the time to listen more to the needs of one child over another. Some children are better communicators than others. However, whatever the reason why a parent would give another child more or better gifts than another when both children have demonstrated good behavior, is wrong. If a parent happens to have extra money right around the time one of the children’s birthday is coming up, consider dividing up the money between the two children and saving a portion of the money until the next child’s birthday comes up.
When planning events…
There will be those times when a parent will invite family members to a celebrated event. Now if the parent is careful to use the same guest list for all the children, and some of the guests are able to make it to one child’s birthday but not all, then the child will be disappointed in whoever couldn’t make it, and not upset with the parent for at least inviting the guest. However, when a parent makes a big deal out of one child’ birthday and not the others, he or she is causing unnecessary jealousy between siblings.
When conversing to other children…
Parents can create a hostile environment for their children by not watching what they say and how they say it. If a parent is talking to one child in a nice tone and irritated often when talking to the other, in time the child will feel as if the parent likes or favors their brother or sister more.
When talking about their children to others…
Children pay attention to adult conversation. If the least favored child hears you on the phone or telling someone in-person how great their sibling is while criticizing he or she, they will become resentful. Some children will purposely do negative things as their way of paying the parent back for not saying anything good about them.
When teaching responsibility…
Some parents avoid giving any responsibility to one child and overdo it with another. Maybe one child is allowed to go to the mall with their friends, while the other isn’t. He or she may be allowed to have a cell phone, the car, or something else while the other isn’t. Although the child has heard the parents tell them, “Until you show that you are responsible you are allowed to do…” They will still overlook the reason and focus on the fact that you are allowing the other child to do or have more than them. You can help them understand why you do what you do by giving them more responsibility in other tasks until they meet your requirements. If you don’t pay close attention to when the child who accuses you of being unfair has done well, what you are doing will look and feel like favoritism.
When showing trust…
Every parent wants to trust their child, but when you feel you can’t and they have shown you that you can’t, and then you have no choice but to act differently when it comes to distributing duties. But some parents will say they don’t trust their children without explaining to them why. Provide proof as to why your child can’t be trusted, just don’t tell them that you don’t trust them. And if you want a positive relationship with them in the future, put a deadline on their punishment. Don’t keep holding things against them that they did years ago.
By Nicholl McGuire
Sunday, June 12, 2011
You tried everything to get your ex back and he or she doesn’t seem to budge. You have tried to figure out what could be stopping him or her from being with you. Some of the following thoughts may have come to your mind, but you won’t face the truth because you are still very much in love with him or her. However, you will need to face the truth and here’s how.
One. He or she isn’t interested in you any longer.
When you know that this may be a reason as to why you can’t get your ex back, back off. Some people think that they can sell themselves to another who is obviously moving on with their life. You know that no sales pitch will work with her or him when you have repeatedly called, dropped by, and used others to try to share your thoughts and no matter what you say or do, he or she keeps telling you, “Leave me alone.” Do it, before you find yourself in legal trouble for stalking. One way that you can begin to remove this person from your thoughts is to keep yourself busy doing other things that stimulate you mentally and exhaust you by the time you go to bed at night. This way you won’t be up late at night thinking of him or her.
Two. What you did was so bad that he or she can’t forgive you and forgetting is simply out the question.
When one sees the bad thing that another has done to them, the vision may never go away. That is why it is very hard for a person to get over someone cheating on them especially if they saw him or her in the bed doing the action. If you know, that your ex has actually seen you holding hands, kissing, or being in bed with this person, save yourself a life of insecurity, anger outbursts, and jealous rages, by backing off. Some men and women will tell you that when they got back together with an ex they made their life hell because they couldn’t get the vision out of their head of the night they saw them cheating. When you are making an effort to improve yourself, although it may not win your ex back, at least they will look at you and say, “He or she is trying to be a better person.”
Three. He or she has found someone better.
Oftentimes men and women who are trying to get an ex back will automatically assume that is what is happening. Sometimes there is no one around who the ex is serious with just someone they may enjoy talking to or going to the mall or movies. However, if that is occurring then you definitely don’t want to try to win your ex back by making it a competition. When you do you are no longer focusing your attention on your ex but rather this person who doesn’t know you. Thinking that your presence will make him or her go away is also foolish, because it will make you look like you are crazy and when people feel threatened they will call the police. An ex will not find it attractive knowing that you are in jail over something foolish. If anything, he or she will take precautions as well like file for a Protection from Abuse with the local law enforcement. The best thing you can do is become distant almost act like a stranger. This will help you move on and make your ex feel less threatened.
Four. He or she is more interested in achieving professional goals without distraction.
This is an excellent reason as to why some people will not go back to a relationship. Nowadays people are money driven. They want the best that money can buy and once they are convinced that they can achieve the best no one or nothing will stand in their way. He or she may now see you as a hindrance. The best way to get over him or her is to learn by example and better you.
Five. He or she has reasoned that you can’t be trusted.
When lies are told and other things have occurred that just don’t add up, an ex will resolve that there is no getting the truth out of you and so will move on. You will have to move on too and remember to be more honest with those you meet in the future.
Six. He or she has been advised by a well-meaning family member or friend that you aren’t a healthy addition to his or her life.
Your ex may have someone around them that they admire and this person may have given them some advice on their situation. If you were trying to win him or her back it can be challenging because you are not only trying to get the ex back but you have to convince those who influence him or her as well. Sometimes it is best to move on when you know that a person is still very much dependant on his or her family.
Seven. He or she knows that you have been seeing someone else and may have children with this person.
When an ex knows that the relationship ended mainly because someone was either in the picture while the two of you dated or came soon after the separation, he or she will struggle with the idea of this person’s existence and often wonder if you are still in contact with him or her. When children are involved the ex will reason that they can’t stomach the idea that you have a permanent connection to someone else other than them. Some exs cannot and will not accept this kind of lifestyle.
Your ex is not interested in coming back for any one of these reasons or some other, and when you try to force something that is not working you are causing more problems for yourself and making it harder for you to move on in your life. There is a difference when an ex cares and when he or she loves. Just because he or she is polite and may have helped you a few times with a problem since you have been separated, doesn’t mean that he or she wants to be in a relationship with you.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Someone knows something about you that you don’t want your partner to know. You know you should have told him or her by now; but you don’t want to because you fear what he or she may think of you if they knew the truth, so you continue to lie or don’t say anything at all.
It may have been a scar on your body that you lied about, an experience that you told them but left out the details, or something that you did in the past that you regret. Whatever the secret, if it is killing your peace, stealing your joy, or destroying your relationship, then it is something that has to be said and you will just have to deal with the consequences as they come up.
People lie out of fear and they make up excuses when they don’t want to bother with the truth. “I told you this lie, because I was scared you would break up with me.” The reality is that a person will more likely break up with you because you didn’t just come out with the truth and kept the lie going. It is never too late to tell the truth, but if and when you do, prepare yourself for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Too many people have a false hope when it comes to a secret-- the hope that no one will ever find out about it. But as we see someone always finds out as long as there is someone living to talk about it or evidence circulating about it. That is why in the movies the snitch is murdered and the object of discussion is destroyed. But such drastic measures need not happen when the truth is told right from the very beginning. There is a way to tell the truth and relieve your conscience without saying anything and the following information will help you do just that.
Some people will purposely leave information behind so that someone else tells what happens. Others will tell a big mouth in the hopes that they will tell whoever needs to be told or they may write an anonymous letter. Strangers can be some secretive people’s best friend by being there to listen. They are able to find the peace they need when they confide in someone who isn’t involved and doesn’t know them.
Another way to tell your truth is by leaving circumstances and events open to question. For example, you can tell just enough about an incident and leave it open to interpretation usually leaning toward the truth. The person listening can read between the lines if they are smart enough. If it is too embarrassing even for them, they may have learned of the secret, but never say a word. I think of media outlets like the National Enquirer, they wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t some celebrity’s assistant, family member or friend feeding them with secrets. Who knows maybe this is why many celebrities don’t bother to sue, because they know it all isn’t a lie?
You may be giving yourself a hard time about someone finding out about your secret or maybe someone else is giving you stress about someone finding out, but if it is killing what matters the most to you then rid yourself of it and try using some of the ways that were explained to you. Because if you don’t, you will find yourself creating more lies to cover up lies.
Once you have made up in your mind how you will expose your secret, have thought about all of the consequences as a result, go ahead and show or tell your truth. Just like a teacher assigns a child a “show and tell” assignment in school, you will have to be prepared to show or tell your secret. Avoid the temptation to lie again and if you find yourself doing it, tell the person, “I’m sorry, let me try this again…this is what I really meant…no what I just said is incorrect…” If you fear the person may act violent, don’t be around when they find out your secret. If you rely on the person for food, money, and shelter then wait until you have these things before you tell them anything. You don’t want to be put out on the street. If you have children with this person, be sure you know what to do if they should threaten to take your children away from you because of the secret. If you know you have done or said something that may help in a criminal investigation then be sure to have a support system around you such as a lawyer, clergy, and family. There are those secrets that may be related to employment. If so, don’t say anything unless you have another job. You don’t want to do the right thing and then fin that you are without a job. Exposing a secret has to be well thought out, timed appropriately and all options must be exhausted. People get into heaps of trouble when they don’t consider who may get hurt and what may happen as a result of exposing a secret that affects them or someone else.
When you expose a secret that is bringing you or someone you love much pain and grief, you will feel a peace in spite of the consequences. You will wonder what took you so long. In time, you will find that you are acting different. There will be those bouts that you will wish you had never said anything, but then you will remember the peace of having finally told. Even if you don’t feel comfortable in your decision initially, think of the person who may be helped as a result. Of course, if you have told lies to cover up your secret, you will have to earn their trust again.
Think of the many people who have told their stories of sexual and physical abuse, things they saw, what they heard and how their stories helped so many including themselves. If we all kept everything to ourselves and said nothing, then we would all die with broken hearts having helped no one. I thank God for those people who came before me and shared their terrible secrets, if it wasn’t for their courage, I would have never been able to face my own challenges.
Sometimes when people carry secrets they may not realize that what is so important to them may not matter to the person who loves them. If someone truly loves you, then they will walk through the fire with you. If you look at the benefit of having a secret and eventually tell it, you will find that it is a test on whether or not a relationship was meant to be. If this person who claims that they love you can’t handle a little secret, then what makes you think they will be able to handle even bigger challenges in the future? You may have to re-evaluate whether you want to spend the rest of your life with them or not.
Finally, there are those secrets that don’t help anyone and those are better left being buried with you when you die.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
You have started a new relationship and recently discovered that your partner is a bad communicator. Every time you two have a conversation you end up asking him or her, “What is it that you want me to do? You haven’t told me anything!”
How are you suppose to know what is bothering them about you when they act as if everything is normal? Your partner can’t seem to give you any good examples to help you stop doing something that may be irritating them. We are going to take a chance on reading their minds and figure out what sort of petty things you may be doing in this new relationship that are killing what could potentially lead to marriage in the future.
One. Expecting them to call you whenever.
There are men who talk about their girlfriends or wives nagging them. “There she goes again calling me.” Their friends will joke about how he is “whipped,” “on lock down” or make some other negative comment about how you can’t let him alone. For women (or men) who feel secure in their relationships, they usually don’t behave in that way. However, for those who don’t feel they can trust their mate, they will call as often as they can. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, at least initially, but in time it can wear on one’s nerves and make them feel that they can never win his or her partner’s trust.
Two. Hoping they will do things for you or say things that you don’t communicate.
Just as we are attempting to mind read your partner who has trouble communicating, they may be attempting to read your mind as well. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you intend on doing something wonderful for them and you don’t bother to find out if they have a certain day available, then how are they suppose to know to clear that date? If you want more affection, more appreciation, more care, more love, more whatever then what are you doing or saying to get it?
Three. Talking behind their back to everyone who will listen about what makes you angry about him or her.
Some people are very good about telling others what they think about their relationship, but are terrible at communicating their ill feelings to their partner. If the relationship stinks, then tell him or her why you feel this way and what you intend to do to make it better. Meanwhile ask them to tell you exactly what they need from you and what they plan on doing to enhance the relationship. If they can’t come up with anything to make things better, make up excuses, blame or belittle you, and/or don’t act interested, they may actually be confiding in someone that has more than just a listening ear. Someone who truly wants to be in a relationship is willing to work at it; someone who isn’t will find excuses not to work on it.
Four. Being extremely organized, messy or smelly.
A person who is over the top with how they keep a home or terrible at keeping anything clean, (including their body) may be a headache for someone who is totally the opposite. These may not have been obstacles for you to overcome when you weren’t living together. But now they could be, once again, if you can both communicate and reach an agreement on these issues—your world may be more relaxed, cleaner and smell better.
Five. Showing ingratitude when he or she makes an effort to do something that they hope will please you.
When you don’t appreciate the little things as well as the bigger things that your mate does for you, they will stop doing them. If you can’t remember the last time you showed love for what they have done for you, outside of a holiday, then it’s time you should. Pencil them on your calendar so that you will keep the good work up at least once a month.
Six. Being manipulative by using flattery, gift-giving, and other so-called “nice” deeds.
Now if you have been using nice behavior to cover up some misdeeds, then they may be reacting negatively to your actions, because they know why you are doing it. No one wants someone to give them something without being sincere. If you keep doing this without addressing the issues of concern, your partner will begin to resent you and your attempts to cover up your bad attitudes.
Seven. Overly concerned about what everyone else things.
Does it really matter what your family or friends think about your partner? The truth is that you have to live with them not your relatives. If you are always worried about what will people think if for instance, he served time, or what will people think if she tells them that she is from a poor neighborhood and other similar things, then you have no business being with them.
Eight. Assuming everyone of the opposite sex wants your partner.
No one loves your partner as much as you do. If you feel bothered by everyone who talks to your partner, then you must think about why you feel this way? Was there something that happened in the past that affected your trust in people? Does your partner act in ways that makes you feel insecure?
Although these are only eight ways that you could possibly be killing a perfectly good relationship, there are many more. Think of more ways that are causing your mate to want to re-consider staying in a relationship with you. Remember if there is a problem that keeps showing up in your relationship, most likely it’s because you are not dealing with it. Once you face the problem head on and make attempts to resolve it, it will go away, but you can’t go at it alone, you will need your partner to be willing to help you fix matters!
By Nicholl McGuire
It's All in the Family by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at familyarticlesbynicholl.blogspot.com.
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- Over 20 years office work experience, six years completed college coursework, background in print media and communications, recognized for exceptional attendance and received merit increase for past job performance, self-published author and part-time entrepreneur, Internet marketing and social media experience. Interned for non-profit organization, women's group and community service business. Additional experience: teaching/training others, customer service and sales. Learn more at Nicholl McGuire and Nicholl McGuire Media
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