Excerpt from Say Goodbye to Dad - A Survival Guide to Breaking Free from Toxic Emotional Ties

Back in '96, I was 21 years old at the time and was in and out of an abusive relationship with an older man. My Daddy blues didn't come to light for me until years later when I decided to get married to someone else. It was then that I noticed there were so many similarities my mate and others had like my dad. A few were former military guys, had been to Germany, and came from large families, quiet, impatient, and hot-tempered. I was looking for something in my male partners to fill a void, but I had no clue what that could have been back then. In time, I gave my life to Christ and became saved. After that spiritual experience, little did I know that various personal issues in my life would be exposed. I share some thoughts about the partner connection in a later chapter.

The most important thing I learned about myself when it came to my relationship with my Dad was that I needed attention--a male figure that genuinely liked and respected me and wanted to know more about me. Up until that point, all I knew was that I had developed a pattern when it came to dating men that reminded me of my Dad. Later in life, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a disappointed daughter that was not going to get my emotional needs met from intimate partners, because I was looking for something in them that they simply couldn't fulfill--a father daughter bond.

“Many men operate off of the premise that if they weren’t involved in their daughter’s life as she was growing up that it is too late to make a difference,” Ken Canfield, speaker and author of Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers and The Heart of a Father, said on Firstthings.org/father-daughter-relationships. “Thinking that the die is cast or the deal is done because our children are grown is something we must re-examine, because it simply is not true. In a parallel vein, research shows the devastating impact of divorce affects adult children deeply. Contrastingly, the continued investment in your child’s life even when they are parents of your grandchildren will reap tremendous benefits for you and them.”

As I discovered more about myself, I observed that some men and women I knew personally and professionally had some daddy hang-ups too. Some of us weren't children of divorce and didn't have Dads that weren't living outside of the home, yet we had emotional issues. There were those of us who were looking for surrogate fathers through marriage, others who tried to make peace with the past after dads had died by leaning on many lovers and addictions, and those who had no clue where to begin when it came to connecting with their fathers because of old wounds, so they either created false stories or exaggerated events to ease the pain. Then of course, there were daughters who didn't have any problems that they could think of concerning their fathers. As for men I knew with broken relationships with their fathers either they didn't have their fathers around, didn't know him or he was around but was very demanding or ineffective--one of two extremes.

I didn't breathe a word to those who had what were seemingly healthy relationships with their fathers about anything negative concerning my family, because I didn't need or want their advice or pity. As far as they knew, "I have a good family...nice, kind, loving." Some of this had long been seeded in me by my parents even when I didn't always agree. Were they really as positive as I made them appear to be? Every so often, but the old mantra, "What goes on in this house stays in the house," played like a broken record in my head, because their parents told them the same thing. Even when I was really young, I knew there were some things being covered up, and my eyes didn't deceive me. I saw my parent's personality issues and weaknesses. I couldn't help but feel different, from time to time confused maybe even jealous when some friends talked so positively about their Dads and were all smiles when they hugged and joked with them. Many Dads, with military programming, come with much baggage and their families suffer more than they will ever tell. Throw alcohol in the mix with loved ones and you are in for a treat! When I was a child, there wasn't a family event that didn't include men pouring strong drinks and a few women taking their sips.

The nonfiction, self-help guide, Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire, touches on Daddy problems and solutions that will help disappointed sons and daughters get past personal pain and struggles and on to a path toward some healing and understanding! The daddy issues presented are those past offenses, unresolved dilemmas, hidden emotional pain, and memories of verbal and/or physical abuse that didn't easily go away no matter how old you are or how much you visit and/or talk with a father(s). Those daddy issues also come in the form of dating and marrying mature men old enough to be a Dad's brother or worse close to a grandfather's age. You might lean on these men for support and/or companionship. You look to them for comfort. But for many young, frustrated women they get nothing more than controlling partners who aren't interested in nothing more than someone to care for them like a daughter, have sex, or a baby.

Nicholl McGuire has written other family books including:  Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, When Mothers Cry, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, and dating books: She's Crazy, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, and Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.

Fathers Who are Distant from their Children for Things They Did

Daughters Need Fathers, Too

With the recent passing of a family member, I thought of the many obstacles the 40 plus year old woman had to go through.  She didn't have a close relationship with most of her relatives and she was always in search of love.  While growing up, the childless woman had a father who was more interested in people and things outside the home rather than his own family.  Not only that, there was favoritism her dad showed toward her brothers.  Having sons was a big deal during her childhood and many young girls, like her, felt that overwhelming desire to win over their fathers' attention.  So I take a moment to share this article with those parents who are expecting daughters as well as those fathers who might still have a chance to make wrongs right with their female offspring.  See here.

Daughter, Why Your Father Won’t Approve of Your Dating Any Man

Your dad knows that at some point you are going to come home with a man you really like and you may feel like he is better than the last guy, but the truth is your dad isn’t really going to approve of him or any man for that matter.  You see, your dad was once a man and he knows how men think.

He may have given his daughter away in a marriage or encouraged her to say yes to a gentlemen suitor, but deep down inside he really wanted to say, “No.”  That’s why some dads cry at weddings.  He knows what goes around comes back around.  He starts thinking about all the mess he put his wife through and he knows that the man who says he loves his daughter is a younger version of him who will eventually make his daughter cry.

You may have tried everything to make your dad approve of the men you have dated over the years,  but that is a losing battle so save yourself the fight and end it.  Whether the man is black white yellow or red, the man is interested in you and your dad doesn’t like it. 

Now there are some things you can do to reassure your dad that you are happy with your decision and this article discusses some of those things.

First, don’t tell your mother every little thing wrong that your mate has ever done to you.  Your mother will go back and tell your dad your stories.  This doesn’t help your dad’s state of mind when he knows that this knucklehead you call your husband, fiancé or boyfriend has hurt his daughter.

Next, avoid telling your dad all the details of your relationship with your mate.  No mentally stable dad wants to hear about the kisses and the hot sex in the backseat of a car with his daughter and partner.  By telling him everything, you are giving him images that he rather not see (or if perverted he would want to see) and may send him over the edge.

Another thing you can do to help your dad adjust to your new life with a man is talk about the money he makes and how he is taking care of you.  Any dad who truly cares about his daughter is very interested in whether the man she is pledging her life to will take care of her.

Your dad may not tell you this but he wouldn’t mind a touching card or gift that says you love and appreciate him too.  Some dads are just jealous and wish that you paid them a little more attention too.  Give dear old dad a hug and tell him that you love him.

Some of you, who have a faith know you have a father in heaven and a father down here on earth so with that said, take the time to pray about your dad and his behavior.  Pray that he will be less combative, argumentative, angry, or jealous about your pick in a mate.

Lastly, try not to be angry around your dad.  If he sees you are upset with him he may act worse.  You want your dad to see you are happy and aren’t interested in holding anymore grudges against him about his past behavior. 

By Nicholl McGuire