SL: "Help! My In-laws Are Ruining My Marriage!"

What to do if an in-law does not like you

It happens, people will not like you no matter what you do including in-laws.  There are mothers, fathers, stepmothers and stepfathers who just won't accept the odd, strange, different color, ethnicity, big, little, educated, uneducated, or poor walking through their door.  So what do you do?  Move on with your life!

We spend far too much time trying to figure out how to deal with people that we don't bother thinking about how not to deal with them.  You aren't required to go over your spouse's families' home just because you married him or her.  You don't have to sit down and break bread with people who don't mind joking about the way you look or how you talk.  Your spouse wants to be with his or her family so much, let him or her!  Opt out sometimes.  Don't try to persuade your partner not to visit relatives, but encourage him or her.  You never want to be accused of keeping your partner away from his or her family.  Use your free time wisely--visit your own family and friends, catch up with some chores around the house, tweak your business, or simply relax.  Think, when will you get a quiet house to yourself again?

Now when it comes to having to deal with an in-law that doesn't like you, you can do the following:

1.  Object to what he or she is saying that offends you.

2.  Communicate your concerns openly and honestly about what bothers you and pray that your partner will be understanding.

3.  Busy yourself when this person is around such as: go out of the home, step away and talk on your cell-phone, assist others around you, or bring something to entertain you like headphones and an mp3 player.  You can also schedule to work on the holidays so that you don't have to attend family gatherings.

4.  Allow the voicemail to catch all phone calls from the in-law.

5.  Don't respond to any written correspondence or phone calls if you know this person is known to lie and spread rumors--always have a witness.

6.  Avoid going to the in-laws home and don't invite this person to your home especially when you have had a falling out with this person.  If your spouse has an issue with it, then you will have to question your partner's loyalty?  He or she can easily make arrangements to see his or her family without bringing them to the family home.  If mom/dad/siblings wins and the partner welcomes them despite their disrespectful behavior, you can always pack--this sends a loud message to your partner, compromise or else. 

But for those who need a little more than what this blog entry is providing, see the following link:

What to do if an in-law does not like you

My in-laws are causing trouble for our marriage. What should I do?

What You Shouldn't Say to the In-Laws When They Have Offended You

What You Shouldn't Say to the In-Laws When They Have Offended You

What You Shouldn't Say to the In-Laws When They Have Offended You

Your in-laws have done it again, rubbed you the wrong way with their unnecessary comments!  The following article just might help you handle yourself and your in-laws the next time you see them.  Read more : What You Shouldn't Say to the In-Laws When They Have Offended You

7 Things You Might Want to Think About When Dealing with Inlaws

It is never too late to make some changes in your relationship including how you interact with the in-laws. You may have done or said some things in the past to relatives on your partner's side of the family that you now regret. Maybe you have done nothing wrong (or that you are aware of.) So what might you need to stop or never do around the in-laws to keep the peace in your intimate relationship?

One. Don't make negative comments about your partner's cooking or other household duties.

Some partners may not care what their partners say to their relatives about how they manage the household while others may be offended. Meanwhile, this is nothing more than gossip for the in-laws and some might even bring what you do or don't do up to you depending on what your partner may have told them. Hopefully, you or your partner wouldn't allow this conversation to get out of hand to the point that feelings get hurt.

Two. Don't confide in the in-laws about your relationship problems.

So many couples do this and later regret doing it, confiding in your partner's mother or another relative about him or her. This person may say, "I promise I won't tell." However, there is a lot said in actions and if your partner knows his or her relative well, he or she is going to know something is up.

Three. Avoid discussion on how your partner parents the children.

This may start World War III in your household if you fall for it. Let's say a relative brings up a subject like, how parents don't discipline their children in traditional ways and that is why so many end up in jail. Now he or she may know you don't use harsh correction when parenting your children. So you decide you are going to share a bit about how you parent your children. This type of conversation will spark debate especially if you are a liberal thinking parent and the grandparents are conservative. How you parent your children is no one's business. Remind your partner of that.

Four. Keep personal, political and religious views between you and your partner.

Your partner may have told his or her relatives how you feel about certain issues or current events and now someone in the family is ready to challenge you. When this sort of thing happens, it's best to say a few simple words, "This is how I feel and we will have to agree to disagree." Hopefully, this kind of discussion will be avoided altogether.

Five. Don't encourage gossip about your partner.

The only reason why someone would bad mouth his or her partner is if they are ready to break up. Lying, exaggerating, and sharing unflattering things about one's partner, will result in a relationship falling apart. Avoid bringing relatives into your relationship, if it's so bad, talk to a stranger about it or better yet, take some time apart until you have something nice to say.

Six. Stay away from lying and covering up your bad deeds while exposing your partner's mishaps in front of the in-laws.

The temptation to want to make one's partner look bad especially when you know he or she has talked negatively about you to others may show up without notice. A simple conversation may end up being a tearful one with you confessing everything he or she has ever done to you. Too much talking may end up with some exaggerations, cover-ups and lies thrown in. Rather than, worry over what you said later, avoid talking about your partner badly even if his sister thinks he is the greatest brother in the world or her father believes his daughter can do no wrong. The next time you talk with a relative, who is eager to know personal details about your relationship, reverse the conversation on him or her. Ask the in-law questions about his or her life. Most likely, this person won't be open with you.

Seven. Beware of the blame game.

The in-laws may blame you for everything that goes wrong, wasn't right or isn't good with their beloved son, daughter or sibling. You may blame the family for everything that is wrong with your partner or worse blame him or her for the problems he or she may be having with the relatives. Those flippant remarks or negative comments from relatives that seem to come out of nowhere is nothing more than argument starters!

Sometimes your partner is at fault for the drama in the family, but he or she doesn't have to know that particularly in front of his or her relatives. Avoid the temptation to place blame at all costs; rather, suggest to your partner ways to avoid family disputes that are in his or her best interest. This way you aren't taking anyone's side.

By Nicholl McGuire

5 Things You Might Be Doing to Keep Your In-Laws Coming Back for More

You love your partner and his or her family. There have been times when these people have been there for you when your own family has failed you. Sometimes they don’t mind reminding you of their support by the many requests they ask of you. You are beginning to suspect that certain members of your partner’s family might be taking advantage of your kindness, but how do you know and what might you be doing to continue to obligate yourself to the in-laws.

One. Borrow money.

Let’s begin with the obvious request, money. Whether your in-laws ask to borrow, invest, or keep it, there is more to money requests than meets the eye. Chances are your relationship with the in-laws is wrapped up in it. You gave them gifts of money and they did the same. You or your partner asked for money and they in turn expected some form of repayment. You may have already took care of the past debt, but somehow got yourself in situations that keep putting you in a repayment position despite the fact you already repaid them. Don’t you think it’s time to gradually cut off all the gift-giving and favors? Now if you haven’t repaid some or all of the money, then you will continue to feel obligated until the debt is fulfilled, but be careful the longer you drag things out, the more likely the in-laws will take advantage. You will know that your relationship with the in-laws is money focused based on how frequent the subject comes up between you and they.

Two. Making promises to help with household chores and errand running.

Once you start doing something for someone on a continual basis, they will expect it. The minute you begin to slow or stop doing all those nice things, your in-law will start making you the butt of conversations with relatives. “He used to help me out, but not anymore…she just isn’t the same, she stopped doing…” If you don’t start making a habit of doing something for people, they won’t expect it. But if you are already doing some things for the in-laws and you are beginning to resent what you do, make it clear in advance of doing any activities that you will no longer be able to do them. It may be difficult at first to hear about your in-laws talking negatively about you or treating you different because you are no longer doing what you use to, but just think, you won’t feel obligated to him or her anymore.

Three. Being available for most, if not all, family functions.

It doesn’t matter rain or shine, you are there at your in-laws’s events with family in tote. Despite your reservations about some of these functions, you keep going anyway. Keep showing up and in-laws will get use to you coming around and may even volunteer your services at their events. Initially, when you are just getting to know your partner’s relatives, this is good, but in time you will want to come to some events, but not all of them. If you regularly come and then suddenly stop, relatives will talk, let them. Some in-laws may use your absence negatively to get what they want; others may be happy they can have their loved one to themselves, and still others don’t care if they see or don’t see you at an event. Don’t let coming to or sitting out a family event affect your relationship.

Four. Answering every “emergency” call.

It doesn’t matter where you are, work, school, or at a friend’s home, when the phone rings, you can be reached. Your in-law may already be used to connecting with you via phone, so when his or her “version” of an emergency comes up, this person expects you to be there. Sometimes these phone calls are nothing more than a need for attention especially when they can’t reach your partner. Rather than, rearrange your schedule every time, an in-law has an emergency, redirect the call to your partner, and/or a 911 operator.

Five. Requesting favors from in-laws and/or accepting gifts.

Whenever you put yourself in a position to ask someone else for something, you will feel obligated. When you accept a gift (especially an extravagant one,) you may also obligate yourself without knowing it to the in-laws. Whenever possible try to avoid asking the in-laws for anything when you know you can’t return the favor. Avoid accepting gifts from in-laws you suspect are putting you in a position to do for them in the near future. Be bold when given something to you and your partner from an in-law you know doesn’t like you by asking, “What are you expecting in return?” When the in-law claims, “Oh nothing, you know we are family. I just wanted to give you something nice.” Be sure to keep the item in its original contents until you know the in-law isn’t looking for you or your partner to do anything in return. This way if he/she should ask a favor, you can return the gift to him or her.

In closing, when you find that you are doing any of these things often and experiencing feelings of resentment, do sit back and ask yourself, “What happens if I can no longer accommodate?” Will this relative still talk about how much he or she loves me? Will your partner continue to dote over what you do for his or her family? Although actions speak louder than words when it comes to love, how much will the person or family members still love you when there is no action?

by Nicholl McGuire