Codependent Enmeshed Relationship with Mother [video]

No Badge of Honor for the Callous Mother

African American View on You - Black Love, Life and Spirituality: No Badge of Honor for the Callous Mother: She expects to be honored, but she doesn't respect others.  She assumes she will receive gifts from loved ones, yet she has stopped buyi...

Tell Me Mother You're Sorry - Distant Children - excerpt from book by N. McGuire

In my experience, when I observed and talked with many mothers and daughters on and off the Internet about their family issues, I recognized these women were wishing for things they didn’t receive from their mothers and other relatives in the family like an apology, a promised possession, the truth about the past, and more. For instance, a woman shared she had vague memories of her mother ever hugging her. She described her mother as being “cold” and “mean.” Many spoke about how their mothers didn’t care too much about what they did, where they went, and who they met back when we were in high school. Some shared how their moms expected them to act like mothers to their younger siblings and how much they hated it. I recall one daughter sharing how she didn’t like how her mother would just pick up and move the family every time she broke up with one of her boyfriends. I heard of stories where both daughters and sons were verbally, physically

or sexually abused by their mothers and how they had to end up cutting them out of their lives. A few talked about how they didn’t appreciate having to lie for moms while others talked of how they picked up certain bad habits from them. Then there were those that were called many horrible names and treated more like slaves rather than their mothers’ children.

From eating disorders to drunkenness, there were far too many things these daughters and sons saw that they didn’t like about their mothers, yet there were those who could clearly see they were repeating patterns. Some issues these grown children faced later in life had been directly connected with their upbringing. Although a number of mothers would acknowledge this fact, there are far more that would simply want their children to sweep issues under the rug, let bye-gones be bye-gones, and move on with life. Easier said for these moms then done for their children. It was obvious that healing needed to take place in these sons and daughters’ lives even if it meant protecting themselves and their families from more of their mothers’ strange behaviors by no longer contacting them.

Part of moving on is defining what the family problems are, and then beginning a process that emotionally and physically frees sons and daughters from their toxic mothers’ mental and physical games. Running from mom, lying about or to mom, ignoring her reactions, covering for her with others you know she has wronged, cursing at her, or acting as if there is no elephant in the room, does nothing more than feed the negative roots that steadily grow within family relationships. A daughter or son who never felt his or her mother validated him or her emotionally, physically or spiritually will lash out. This is why some will seek a third party to help resolve problems. For some, these children were nothing more than décor in the home to be seen and not heard. They were to look beautiful, sit still, and don’t cause a disturbance. Other daughters and sons were treated like footstools; moms took their burdens and placed them on their children. Then there were those that were treated like trash bins, when Mom had useless junk, problems, mood swings, and whatever else she couldn’t take out to the dumpster, her daughters and sons were there to collect it all!

So in this book, you will be reminded of many good, bad and ugly things concerning your mother or someone else’s, but the focus is to heal from the past while trying not to perpetuate the emotional and/or physical abuse you endured onto others. Various troubled individuals never reached a place of freedom in their lives where they ever received Mama’s apology, affection, or anything that would make them feel that their mothers acknowledged their pain. What’s worse some died still wishing for the matriarchs to take away all the pain.

When you keep hearing similar stories about mothers and children in bad relationships, and you find that most people who share them still have a long way to go when it comes to recovery, you have to wonder do some really know just how deep the rabbit hole goes when it comes to having a dysfunctional relationship with one’s mother. Do some truly understand what Jesus meant when he said, “They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law” (Luke 12:53). We are seeing evidence of this as we watch mothers try to parent disrespectful teens while others try to mend broken relationships with sons and daughters. The writing is on the wall that sooner or later we will all meet our Maker and he will judge us accordingly.

So my drive for writing this book was not to bad mouth mothers and their children, but to validate the feelings of daughters and sons who are suffering, and to remind them they can heal from the past. Further, I want readers to know that it is okay to disagree, distance yourself, or cut off mom altogether when you can’t handle the words and actions of a spiritually, mentally and physically wounded woman who never felt she needed any help. I get it, I understand. Furthermore, I have printed my late grandmother’s playbook within the chapters of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry. A woman, who I watched up close and personal do many things, to not only get her way in life, but show children and others that she wasn’t as poor and unintelligent as some might have thought. She was a wealthy woman spiritually, a survivor of domestic violence, and despite her shortcomings, an inspiration for many.

When I wrote my previous book, When Mothers Cry, I did it because people needed to fully realize that there are many things that make up a mother’s role besides parenting children, and that there are aspects to being a mother that are not happy and causes many to cry. In the book, I reminded readers to provide mental, physical and spiritual support to mothers. Now in this book, I am showing the faces of many toxic mothers, the ones who just couldn’t get it right when it came to motherhood, and why their children reach a point where they cut them off. Tips are also provided where necessary.

Book excerpt from Tell Me Mother You're Sorry by Nicholl McGuire

Purchase your copy here.

Tell Me Mother You're Sorry Ch. 3 - No One is Perfect But God

Mom Says She Loves You But You Don't Believe It

Seeing is believing!

https://www.createspace.com/5585253

May Your Mother's Day Be Beautiful Like You!

Tell Me Mother You're Sorry by Nicholl McGuire Excerpt Chapter 6 "She Knows Best"

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Mother Told Her Children, 'You are not mine!'

Why Some Sons and Daughters Don't Like or Respect Their Mothers

Why Some Sons and Daughters Don't Like or Respect Their Mothers

10 Ways to Break Free from Controlling Mother

Mother's Day has come and gone and you thought that the effort you made this year would be appreciated, instead you wish you hadn't done anything for her! "Why did God give you this mother?" you have secretly asked yourself. "Why do I keep allowing her to get next to me?"

Here are a variety of things you can do to get free of the bondage you brought on yourself while relating to your mother.

One. Know your mother and remember how she reacts to you.

Oftentimes people don't take the time to study their mother. They don’t bother to remember the things she does that upset them; therefore, year after year they keep falling in the same traps. For instance, rather than paying attention to your mother's mannerisms while visiting with her, you may be thinking about what you will say next or how she makes you feel inside when she says or does something you don't agree with so you become defensive. Instead of allowing yourself to get worked up before you arrive, the next time that you are in her presence, study her like a book. Is she looking ill these days? What is she eating or drinking that may be causing harm to her health? Who does she socialize with or does she do any socializing? What does she spend the majority of her day doing? How does she react when you come over? Do you observe the way she looks at you when she thinks you aren't looking? Knowing the answers to these questions will help you understand her as a person and not just your mother. You may learn that some of the things she is eating and drinking is affecting her mood. If she doesn’t want to follow doctor’s orders or get the help she needs and her actions is affecting you, you will have to consider what is important your own mental health being in her presence or her?

Two. Find out what others are saying about her.

It may be helpful to know what others' experiences may be like when they are around your mother. She may be saying and doing things negatively with relatives and friends too. Find out what is going on between your mother and others simply by making a statement like, "Mother said that you were over the other day. She told me you did..." The person will usually give up some details about the visit.

Three. Prepare yourself for her negativity.

When you know that you have to talk to her or go around her, prepare yourself for what she will or will not say by taking control of the visit. You will want to limit your visit to a time you can tolerate being in her presence. Find tasks to do so that you are not just sitting at her home, or talking with her the whole visit. Maybe she has phone calls that need to be made related to her bills, errands, laundry, dishes, dusting, mopping or vacuuming. When you find yourself beginning to grow weary of her complaining, yelling or cursing, excuse yourself and leave. Avoid arguing, hurling insults, and other things that will only make you feel guilty later. Share your experience with a trusted family member or friend.

Four. Never obligate yourself.

When you know that you and your mother don't get along very well, don't obligate yourself to do things you know you will later resent. She may threaten, cry, or complain about you to others to get you to do what she wants. Don't let her tactics get the best of you by dwelling on them or feeling guilty and then eventually giving into her. When you find yourself dropping everything you do for her including taking her phone calls, you are obligating yourself to her not only physically, but emotionally too! You will find yourself using your family to release some steam and in time they will grow weary of your negative stories about your mother which will later cause confusion between you and they.

Five. Address lies, criticisms, and other issues.

Someone in the family tells you that your mother said numerous things about you that are untrue. For years you let these things go and never bothered to address them, now they are sitting within your spirit making you sick! She also finds fault with everything you do including: your choice in birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas gifts, the frequency you bring the grandchildren over for a visit, and the help you provide her with managing her bills and house cleaning. It's time to speak up and create some distance. We tend to think that because our parents are getting older we must spend as much as time as we can with them even if it’s at the expense of our own health. Your children do not need to see or hear their grandmother belittling you, unless you are trying to teach them how to disrespect you, keep them out of the mess. Stand up for yourself and show your parent that you didn't grow up to be walked on especially by them!

Six. Break free from taking money and gifts from her.

Some mothers will use what they do for you to make you feel like you owe them something later. Learn to say no to her gifts when you hear stories of her talking about you and your family to others. By doing this, you are letting her know that you don't need her which will make her feel like she can no longer control you. Ultimately, that is what you want, not to be controlled by your mother!

Seven. Watch what you say to her.

Avoid confiding in her about the following: relationship troubles, places you shop, and personal matters. Good information can be used to control you especially if it is embarrassing or demeans your reputation with other family members. What better way than to get the best of you by spreading gossip about you to everyone else, hoping that the next time, you will do whatever she says or she will tell some more things to everyone else about you or your family.

Eight. Be cautious of family members and friends who will side with her.

Your mother may have told others about how awful you are supposedly. When this happens there isn't much you can do but to tell your side of the story and keep your distance not only from her, but the one who is siding with her as well. Sometimes people have to see the truth for themselves. Hopefully, she will do or say something to them as well that will make them later come to you with, "You know you were right about your mother!"

 

Nine. Avoid the temptation to bad mouth her to others.

Despite her anger outbursts and the other crazy things she does, she is still your mother. Telling everyone you encounter how bad she is will not make you or the person listening to you feel good. Sometimes people tend to formulate opinions about you just because you have had a bad relationship with your mother. If you don’t get along with her most people will want to know why and you may share that, but when you start name calling and insulting your mother to other people, you may open yourself up for a dispute you rather not want, so avoid the temptation to bad mouth her.

Ten.  Have a faith and your own network of support. 

You will need some people around you that understand your plight. Spouses and partners aren't always helpful in this area especially if they have a good relationship with their mother. They tend to say things that actually bring you closer to a situation that is increasingly stressful when you should be stepping back from the negativity and getting some healing for yourself. Remember talking on the phone daily can be just as bad as visiting every day, so limit your phone use with a controlling mother if you intend to make your life just a little bit easier.