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Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: The Exit Plan - Getting out of Situation - Emotion...

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: The Exit Plan - Getting out of Situation - Emotion...

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: Sex, Family Gatherings and Gifts

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Abusive Men in the Family

They exist and as much as relatives pretend that kin are stable and sweet, those who have been abused by them know better!  Check out Nicholl McGuire's nonfiction, self-help guide, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.  A great read for those who are just starting out dating once again.

Are You The Go To Person, The Help or Peacemaker?

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In Denial, Isolated - When the Abused Claims It's Not What You Think

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: In Denial, Isolated - When the Abused Claims It's ...: She doesn't believe that she is being abused because it doesn't feel like it, "Isn't abuse painful, ugly, and crazy?  Not ...

Crazy Love: Why domestic violence victims don't leave



Leslie Morgan Steiner, speaker



Learn more about abusive relationships here: http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com

7 Things to Think About For Women In Abusive Relationships

You have been called names, threatened, lied to, physically beaten, kept captive in a room, told to keep quiet and yelled at to perform senseless acts all in the name of love by the one who calls himself your lover, boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.

People have judged you, advised you, cut you off, scolded you, and so much more just to communicate one thing and that is to leave him. The problem you are having with yourself and everyone around you, your mind and heart are not ready to leave at least not yet.

So the following statements will challenge you to look inside yourself and evaluate your world around you and hopefully you will be motivated to do what is right for you and/or your family before it’s too late. It’s time to take out a piece of paper, pen the thoughts that come to your mind as you read.

My daddy doesn’t know me. Whether it was your dad or any man around you that you wanted to be close to as a young girl, but he just never wanted to allow you to get close to him, this statement is a part of the trouble you now face. If you had looked for love in the past in previous relationships but found yourself disappointed with man after man, then finally made yourself settle down, even though this man didn’t seem to be right for you either, now is the time to ask yourself, have I really found daddy’s love? What will it take for me to find the love and peace I desperately need? What will I have to do to stop my own cycle of abuse?

My mother contributed to the who in “am I.” The way a mother communicates and acts with the men in her life is witnessed by her daughters; therefore she has contributed to the who that you have become whether you like it or not. If your mother catered to her man, yelled at him, loved him or hated him in front of you, some of your mother’s ways have become yours. What will it take for you to stop what you are doing that is unhealthy to you and/or your children, and start doing the positive actions that will benefit all of you?

I can’t risk my reputation amongst family, friends, and community. You have worked hard to become the many titles you are to the people that know you. If you sincerely would want to do something different in your personal life such as break off an engagement, divorce, or separate from your man, how would you go about doing it? Your plan could be one that makes the least amount of drama for you and those around you simply by stepping out on your own without speaking to anyone who knows you; rather, find assistance from strangers.

I am no better than I was a year, three years, or even seven years ago. Each passing year has not added to your being positively, but only took years of youth away, what steps could you make that would help you feel better about you? When was the last time you dreamed, planned, set a goal, and achieved it? Who or what would you blame for stopping you from becoming a better you?

I believe that I am helping my man become a better one. If you believe that enduring his abuse is somehow helping him become a better man, then take a moment to review the scars on your body. Would you be willing to allow him to murder you, so that he can get on with his life? Of course not, but the women who have been in similar situations, literally allowed themselves to die at the hands of their men, was it worth it?

I am repeating the same life that women around me have lived or are living and I’m not happy. You have noticed that you are repeating their patterns, have you bothered to question why you do the things you do? Who is benefiting when you act out behaviors that have caused you to feel the way you do? From the house being organized his way to how you spend the money that is rightfully yours, is he treating you fairly? Are you treating yourself fairly?

The world would be better off without me. You may have never felt this way until he came into your life. The arguing, fighting, name-calling, choking and so much more will make anyone feel as if they want to end it all. However, if you can think of one thing that makes your life worth living, that is your sign that everything is going to be alright, you will just have to make up in your mind that you will do what is right for you and/or your children.

When you have finished thinking about your life and why you feel it is still worth living with or without him, there is a book written just for you, entitled, “Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate” written by me, Nicholl McGuire. http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306/

I wrote this book, because I once walked, staggered, and fell in your shoes, I never intended to love a gentleman who would later show me the mean, angry, and bitter side of himself. He had not only hid that side in the beginning from me, but from my family too. This book is every abused woman’s diary of poetry although based on one woman’s experience. The feelings and thoughts I express as it relates to being let down and abused by men at the mere age of 21 when most young women are supposed to be enjoying life. It also contains challenging questions similar to the ones in this article that encourages the reader to get back in touch with the things that once mattered such as your independence, love, freedom, peace, and more.

As women, we enjoy talking about the troubled souls around us, yet when it comes to evaluating ourselves, we avoid it like a plague. It’s time to take control over your life and do what makes you happy! There is no one in this world that will bother to take care of someone who has given up on her self. This is one of the biggest secrets that men who control women know about them and that is why he won’t hesitate to hit you and apologize just one more time, and then one more time, and on…and on…and on…until you defend yourself mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually.

 Nicholl McGuire

More insight and details about this writer's experience may be found at http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306/

How to Know Your Daughter or Friend is Being Abused

Every parent who has a relationship with his or her child knows when their daughter or son isn’t feeling well, has a change in mood, feels stressed or nervous about something or doesn’t want to be bothered. Friends also are good about observing this wide range of emotions as well. Sometimes there is more happening to your daughter or friend then the upset stomach excuse for the umpteenth time or the accidents that seem to happen almost weekly to her face, neck, and arms. So what more do you need to know to be sure that she is being abused?

She lies a lot. It seems that every time you ask her to do something she makes up an excuse as to why it wasn’t done. The truth of the matter is she could be thinking about a lot of things like ending her turbulent relationship, but doesn’t know how.

Distance. At one time the two of you were quite close, but it seems these days she is more involved with her man. When you invite her to family functions, make plans to visit her or ask her to meet you somewhere, she seems to never have the time. If the only thing that has significantly changed in her life is becoming involved in this new relationship, then chances are he is doing or saying some things that are keeping her busy. However, if there is many other things going on in her life it doesn’t necessarily mean that she is purposely keeping away from you.

Rapid increase or decrease in weight. When one is under stress, most people will eat more or less. If it wasn’t that long ago that she was obese, and now she is skinny, that may be great for her, but watch closely for more signs other than a new diet program or workout routine. If she says she isn’t doing any of these things, but continues to lose the weight, try to probe more about how she is losing the weight. Also, if you notice that she is rapidly gaining weight, find out what she is eating more of these days to put on the weight without directly commenting on her weight gain. If she says she hasn’t been doing anything different, most likely she is eating more for a variety of reasons including worrying over her new boyfriend.

Questions. When someone is easily irritated over any question you ask, he or she has something to hide. If you know that you have asked the same questions you always ask like, “How are you? What are your plans for the weekend? How is your boyfriend?” and she practically bites your head off or her tone fluctuates like she is ready to curse you, then things aren’t doing too well with her. Keep the lines of communication open by asking her is there anything she would like to talk about.

Flinching. This behavior tends to happen when someone has been hit, choked, pushed or beaten repeatedly. She is often nervous when you suddenly put your hands out to hug her or wave your hands and arms around her even if it’s just to pick up something. You will want to point out her behavior to her and mention that if she needs to talk about anything you are available to listen.

Moody. Whenever you see her she is often sad or angry looking. She may be uptight. When everyone else is laughing about something, she may not be. When you speak to her, she may seem as if her mind is off into another world, these are all signs that something more is going on with her and you will need to stay close to her to find out what she is hiding. You can stay close by calling her more often, sending her a thoughtful message in the mail, blessing her with a gift or inviting her to lunch.

Isolates herself. You would like to make conversation with her, but she doesn’t have any free time to talk because every time you look up she is reading a text on her phone, answering her cell phone, emailing her boyfriend or running errands for him. By this point she may be smitten with him, but in time this turns into controlling behavior. You will need to point this out to her. She may act as if nothing is wrong, but somewhere in her mind she will remember what you said.

Invitations. When you or the family invites her to events, she often turns them down because he is dominating her time and sometimes she will stay away for a long time until a bruise heals. Frequent last minute cancellations usually mean that the night before or day of the event he may have harmed her.

Conversations. When you converse with her it seems as if she has nothing going on in her life, but her boyfriend or husband. You bring up something about him and she is quick to defend him even when he is in the wrong.

Habits and Hobbies. You notice that she is doing things that she didn’t normally do. Maybe she is cursing more, drinking, smoking or doing drugs; usually these habits are influenced due to her worry about being in the relationship or encouraged by him because he is doing them.

When some or all of these signs prove correct, you will need to do the following:

Talk to her about the harmful things you see happening. Of course, most victims of abuse will deny them.

Next, listen to anything she is ready to talk about and ask her how it made her feel.

Provide her with information about dating and domestic violence and go over the information with her.

Remind her that you love her and if she needs a plan of escape you would be willing to help her.

Conduct your own research on how to help victims of abuse escape these types of relationships.

Document everything she has told you and any information you know about this person.

Lastly, avoid confiding in others about your daughter or friend’s issue not everyone understands. There are many people who place blame on the woman for every instance of abuse. They often say mean things about victims and aren’t compassionate. Unfortunately, it drives some victims to kill themselves. Watch what you say and don’t use statements like “if I were you I would…” The truth is you aren’t she and there is no guarantee that you would have done anything different.

By Nicholl McGuire

Is there a connection to a father beating his daughter and her accepting a boyfriend beating her?

Somewhere right now as you read this, a teenage daughter may have said something to her father that offended him so much that he gave her a good slap on the jaw, a push from behind knocking her into something, or a slam to the floor, while her mother stands by watching. She too is fed up with her sassy mouth teen and maybe this punishment will straighten her up! It does for a season while resentment, bitterness, and rage take root in their daughter's spirit. She contemplates in the late night hours, while her father and mother lay side-by-side, to hurt them one day. Luckily for them, before she makes good on her promise, she leaves the family home. She is now an adult in her twenties.

One day she meets a man who reminds her of her father. He looks like him, has similar traits, and seems to be responsible just like dear old dad. The gentleman pursues a sexual relationship with her quickly. She finds the man nice, playful, even sweet, but she isn't interested in anything serious, at least not yet. In time, he wins her heart with roses, dinners, movies, surprise gifts, and planned vacations. She doesn't think from the looks of things that anything is wrong with her wonderful partner until she discovers that she isn't the only woman he has been sleeping with and she becomes furious! She confronts him, yelling, crying, cursing, and throwing things. In fact, at one point she even stands in his face, spouting droplets of saliva, before she even thinks about punching him or hitting him in his face, she is picking herself up off the floor. He may apologize for his actions, then again he may not. Now she is faced with a choice: stay or go.

Most of us, would say, "I would leave him!" But not this woman for he reminds her of her dad. Although the reason she stays isn't obvious to her, she is a daddy's girl without really being a daddy's girl. She secretly wishes for a relationship with her dad that she never had and this man fulfills that void. She reasons to herself that what she did to her partner wasn't right and she finds herself apologizing for standing in his face, putting him on guard to protect himself, while offering him kisses, hugs, and "I'm sorry." They continue as if nothing has happened until the next disagreement.

This time she reacts in a way that he doesn't like, eye rolls, head swinging, and fingers snapping. This time he hits her so hard she hears ringing in her ears. She gets up from the floor and charges him like a raging bull! There is scratching, biting, punching, and grabbing! He proceeds to choke her while threatening to kill her. Neighbors overhear her screams and thumps on the walls and floor, the police are called. The opportunity to press charges is given to her, the police plead with her to show up for the court hearing. They tell her that she could be helping others while teaching her abuser a lesson, she listens never agreeing to do anything. When the court date arrives, she is nowhere to be found. The cycle of abuse repeats itself with other women, and keeps repeating itself, until someone is hurt severely or worse dies.

Could it be that somewhere in her twisted mentality of what love is supposed to look like, the victim thinks of her first relationship with the first man in her life -- her father? You see, she often said something that dad didn't like years ago and he punished her for it, not by sending her to her room, but beating her. In certain communities they don't spank, the parents whip, beat, or knock their children down, and it's never called abuse. She learned to reason, at a very young age, that if she hadn't said anything, dad wouldn't have beaten her. If she wouldn't have rolled her eyes or stomped her feet, dad wouldn't have pushed her down. So the memories of childhood come back to haunt her and now she is thinking the same way in her intimate relationships. "I am at fault! I deserve to be hit!" Meanwhile, family and friends ask her, "What did you do?" After hearing her stories of abuse, they comment, "Well I would have hit you too!"

This is another face of dating and domestic violence that isn't often pieced together in this way -- the connection of a childhood father and daughter relationship later affecting a woman and her partner's relationship. Victims of abuse do look back on childhood memories and reason "that what happens to me today is justified, because well my dad did it to me." We can find all the excuses in the world to justify why someone deserves to be beaten, but the bottom line is an abuser violently resolved an issue thinking that the problem would just go away, but as we have seen in the media, problems just don't go away! They fester and they grow. What father did years ago comes out in the light sooner or later. It shows up on another daughter's face, on stripper poles, in music videos, music lyrics, and prison. As much as parents don't want to accept the blame for anything and will go so far as to cover up or lie about the truth, the fact still remains that what is done in darkness will come to light!

Single men, men in relationships, and fathers, please educate your selves on what real love looks like! Chances are you may not have been treated very well as a child yourself, so how can you show the mother of your children, or future partner and offspring love if you don't bother to learn about it? How can you attempt to show love outside of being a good provider, when you can't think of any way to show love outside of giving someone something materially (and some men can't even do that right either without complaining?)

Learn about other tactics of discipline besides beatings. These excuses of "well my dad didn't hug me. I got beat and I turned out alright. I don't know what to say to my daughter, the only way I can get her to do anything is to beat her." There are far too many books on parenting to hide behind these excuses! If a father can open up a newspaper, channel surf, or search the Internet looking for information on his favorite sports team, a mate to date, or an electronic gadget, he can find information on how to effectively parent his daughter.

According to the New Horizon Crisis Center's website, child abuse is defined in four ways: physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect.

"Physical abuse: Purposely injuring a child by hitting, biting, shaking, kicking, burning, or throwing objects.

Emotional abuse: Crushing a child's spirit with verbal attacks, threats, or humiliation. Words that hurt will harm a child's self esteem.

Sexual Abuse: Sexual contact with a child (i.e. incest, inappropriate touching, etc...) Using a child for sexual films, pictures, or prostitution; obscene language; or exposure not involving contact.

Neglect: Willfully failing to provide for a child's emotional (love and attention) or physical (food, clothing, and shelter) needs; failing to offer guidance, supervision or a safe home environment."

Too many parents are so worried about making money and obtaining material wealth that they don't bother to think about how damning violent parenting can be on children. Maybe you turned out alright, but you have a sibling, some other relative, friend or co-worker that never recovered. While you may be talking with family members about the "misunderstood" in the family, could their childhood issues be taking their toll in their intimate relationships? I'm sure if they are honest with themselves and not still fearful of their parents, they will admit that they still think of those beatings and wonder if they could have been just as good, if not, better without many of them.

I'm not saying spare the rod, for those who believe in Biblical principles, but what I am saying is understand how to use the rod. I don't believe that God intended for any of us parents to slap a child simply because he or she is annoying us, not moving fast enough, or we had a hard day at work. Organizations that support victims of abuse are always educating the public on thinking before reacting, knowing what abusive signs within yourself and those around you look like, and providing us with resources to help ourselves and others.

Know why you do what you do and find a better way to solve your issues with your children. Unfortunately, some parents of teens may be so hurt that it will take years to undo all of the mistakes, that's okay take each day as it comes and work to make a difference in your daughter's life, so that she will not one day associate abuse with being loved by you.

By Nicholl McGuire