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Saturday, October 21, 2017

Handling Conflict with Your Children

Handling Conflict with Your Children: Parenting blog for families of multi-age groups - newborns, tweens, and teens. Basic facts on raising children. Tips on shopping for children.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Your Covetous Thoughts - wishing to have someone else's life, things

Family Fights with Troubled Relatives - How to Avoid

When I was a child I had no choice but to witness relatives arguing and physically fighting about any number of issues. I felt afraid, worried, and saddened sometimes for days after their emotional outbursts. It was hard to concentrate on studies and listen to adults’ requests when the concern was always there, “What if I do this wrong…say that…will I get hurt too?” Sometimes I got it wrong and before long I was being yelled at or threatened.  By the time I got older and stronger I stopped being afraid and I stood up to the bullies in the family.

I learned that you can avoid family fights very easily if you are willing to make some changes and not be a part of the action from the start. So the following is a list of true and tried things I did over the years and I hope that what I share helps others.

1) Don’t visit anyone’s home that has a long history of drinking, drug use, and emotional highs and lows. Simply put, you are asking for trouble when you do. Cast aside the endearing titles and look at the person for who he or she is, “Is my ________ really acting like a friend to this family or a foe?” Then make arrangements not to keep going around this person especially with watchful children in tote.

2) Avoid arguing by walking away. Don’t turn your back on the argumentative individual, but do get out of the setting where he or she feels like it is okay to go off on you as well as others. When you turn your back, you are also putting yourself at risk of being blindsided by one’s hits or a flying object.

3) Don’t expect to be heard. No matter how much you say things like, “I am just telling you this because I love you…I want what is best for you…Will you just listen to me?” Difficult people will not hear anything good under stress. You can talk until you are blue in the face and they will still see things in the way they want. Save your breath.

4)  The Know-It-Alls in the family feed off of confusion so as to appear all-knowing, peacemakers, and anything that makes them look and feel good. When in the presence of know-it-all family members, don’t say too much. This way there is nothing that they can use to debate about. Sometimes a head nod is all you can do with some of these folks even a “How are you?” in what sounds like the wrong tone to them will be taken to mean something else.

5) Find the time to be around the family members and friends you do enjoy. Sometimes the only way you are going to have the kind of fun you want with your favorites is making arrangements with them only. Skip the family holiday events and invite them when you get ready. Sure, the naysayers will talk, so what! You are welcome to connect with whoever you want when you want--that is the benefit of being an adult, so act like it.

6) Lastly, know your limits. You can establish boundaries by telling a relative or family friend upfront what you don’t want to talk about and if the matter is brought up you will shorten your visit. When you feel the heat rising up in your chest and you feel like you are ready to explode because your request was violated, excuse yourself, count to 10. Alert your partner, “It’s time to go,” pack up the children, and head on out the door. Why make yourself stay in a setting that is obviously making your blood boil?

I have two books I would like for readers of this blog to purchase if you find yourself having to deal with family related issues involving a matriarch or patriarch. See Say Goodbye to Dad and Tell Me Mother You’re Sorry by Nicholl McGuire. These books were written for those who are either thinking of going no contact, low contact, or have memory of a difficult parent and find yourself doing similar things. These books are great reads for those who have challenging in-laws as well. Get both books today! 

Nicholl McGuire is the owner and manager of this blog.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

10 Things to Do to Make You Happy Now

Not happy with how things are going in your life?  Looking for ways to spice up your dull and boring life?  The following list are things people have done and are doing to enhance their personalities and live the kind of life that makes them happy.

1) Seek adventure.  Thrill-seekers thrive on having a life that is exciting.  Some will plan what their next adventure will be while others will just spontaneously go out and do whatever they feel like doing at that moment.  Do what you always wanted to do and bring a camera along with you so that you will be able to reflect on the memory later that made you happy.

2) Visit a place without planning it.  As mentioned above, some thrill seekers enjoy spontaneity.  Take a drive down a road you have never driven, walk down a path you never trod and see a place you never visited.

3) Make plans to visit old friends.  Too many promises of “will do lunch”?  Time to set a date, time, and location between friends to catch up on one another’s lives.

4) Write a letter.  It doesn’t matter if the receiver is friend or family member, sometimes it is nice to express how you feel and tell stories about your life through the written word.  Who knows, this may be just the release you need to enhance your thoughts of happiness while making someone else happy to hear from you.

5) Purchase or create a gift for someone.  When you shop for someone other than yourself, you are creating a positive energy that will boomerang back to you in the future.   Helping someone else achieve happiness is key to finding your own happiness.  Subconsciously, you will find yourself desiring more ways to make yourself and others happy.

6) Take the bus around town.  Too often drivers miss out on the opportunities to really enjoy the environment they live in because they are too busy focusing on drivers around them.  Take some of the pressure off yourself and experience the world from a different perspective.  You will be surprised at all of the places you never noticed while driving.  You may find a place to visit that brings a smile on your face.

7) Research local colleges for classes you might enjoy.  Sometimes just reading about something new can take your mind off your problems.  Focus on learning about something that pleases you.

8) Find a new job/career.  Many people are not happy in their jobs.  While cost of living increases, their checks aren’t that is enough to make anyone unhappy.  You may be able to enhance your mood if you research what companies are paying more than the one you are with for the same amount of work or less.  Less stress, more happiness!

9) End relationships that are energy stealers.  Whether it is a friend who is a mooch or a girlfriend who takes up all your time, make a decision whether or not you want to keep this person around.  You may have family members who are also energy stealers, if so lessen the amount of time you spend with them.

10) Relocate.  Sometimes people tend to become unhappy when they realize the place they live isn’t all that it was cracked up to be.  If you find that your apartment, home, or neighborhood is giving you more tears, then smiles make every effort to move.  Your mind, body, and spirit will thank you later!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of What Else Can I Do on the Internet?

Monday, June 19, 2017

4th of July - Family Drama, Unresolved Issues Since the Last Holiday Get-Together

So some relatives have intentions of setting it off this 4th, there will be more than just fireworks in the sky.  Are you prepared for the pending explosion ahead with kinfolk who drink, smoke, and eat too much?  When we know we have toxic relatives, if we care anything about our spouses and children we keep them away from the drama.  However, when you are that one who is very much into family no matter how bad they are for you and others, then expect to be a part of their drama.

Many years ago, I was that child who witnessed much.  Arguing, physical fighting, and stealing went on with some family members.  While they swore up and down they were innocent, those of us observant kids knew better.  It didn't matter how much adults scolded us about listening and watching grown folks, we knew something was very wrong with people who eye-rolled, deep sighed, yelled, and threatened one another while carrying their share of demons that they smoke, drank, or brought to the holiday events.  But yet the mantra was sung year after year, "We're family, stick by there for family..."  Well I am much older now, decades have passed since I was told to go where I really didn't want to go, talk to people I didn't care to and let strange folks hug me that I didn't want touching me.  There was something wrong with them back then and to date, those who manage to escape death repeatedly, still have something very wrong now!

You see, I don't oppose family even though I bring much awareness to the issues that many folks wouldn't want me speaking about and am a strong advocate for going low or no contact with relatives.  I actually do care for them, but I don't care to be mixed up in dysfunctional mess that looks like this, "Love you today because you did something for me, hate you tomorrow because you didn't do for me when I called upon you."  Then there is the tug of war kind of relationship that some have with their favorites.  Pull them near when they want to step outside the box then come up with all sorts of ways to keep them there.  The gullible fall for the tricks while the discerning know better.

So like with all other holidays especially one like the 4th of July, think twice about who will be there, how long you are staying, and what is being served, you might be better off sitting this one out if you can't stomach the drama.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Should I Go to the Party?

Sins of the Father: After Father's Day Blues

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Your Friend Who Wants to Change His or Her Life

How To Say Goodbye To Being A Stressed Wife… And Hello To Being A Happy Woman

Women don’t just become unhappy they have to be driven to unhappiness.  Every optimistic woman like every hopeful man starts a relationship with the best intentions.  They are excited about a future with their new lover and will be on their “best behavior” for as long as they can.  However, nothing is ever as easy as it seems and the reality is that most men and women lose the motivation to work on their relationship and become comfortable.

Oftentimes, women have come to a place in their love relationships where they are the ones trying to keep everything together in their household from remembering the doctors’ appointments to cleaning up the kitchen after they have cooked.  No one was designed to happily do the same things over and over again and never experience a burn out.  Why is it that so many women when you look at photos of yesteryear were stunning and nowadays you can see no trace of that youthful beauty?  The reason is simple.   She became settled with being only a wife and mother and all the stress that those roles come with has caused her to age prematurely.  The person who she really is has become buried deep within her soul and she doesn’t know how to get her back. 

There are many women who choose to get employment outside of the home to avoid losing their sense of identity.  This is their best strategy for some, but it shouldn’t be their only one.  She may have an untapped hidden talent, a hobby she gave up long ago, or a desire to do something about her passion.  If the extra income isn’t needed, she will have to make the time to pursue her dreams in order to be the best she can be and live her best life now.  She will have to learn how to make some sacrifices for herself without feeling guilty.  The time will come when she will have to explain to her husband how she has been feeling lately and let him know what she will be doing to make some changes in her life that may potentially affect the family. He may not initially like the changes she has decided to make in her life, but he will come around if he understands.  It’s all in how she approaches him, being careful not to have a negative attitude about something she wants to do that is suppose to be positive.  Worrying over what he may say or do is not going to give her any motivation to do anything for herself and may only add to the friction that is already there in the marriage.

A man will only do as much to a woman as she will allow him.  If he provides a list of what he will and won’t accept from her, because she loves him, she will usually abide by his wishes.  However, men who are selfish and do not love their women will not return the favor.  Some will continue to cheat, avoid assisting with household chores, leave the majority of the care-taking of the children to her and if she drives, well she is also doing much of the errand running as well.  In her quest to pursue the happy woman within, she will have to examine whether her relationship with her husband has helped her become a better woman overall, or has it took away everything positive she once was before the two of them met?  Many women who are busy never take the time to re-evaluate what is actually going on at home and eventually will find out the hard way what the underlying burdens are in their marriages.  Some women find out when their husbands act out by being deceitful, lying, abusive, etc.  Other women will find out when they are lying on their backs struggling to heal from an illness.  They will begin to think about the things that have been going on around them and how they will have to deal with them when they aren’t so busy.   

Once the stressful wife has determined what is preventing her from being her very best,  she will have to begin to eliminate the things in her life that is causing her the most stress. Whether it is bad habits such as overeating, drinking, smoking, gambling or relationship concerns such as a bad marital relationship or problems with children, relatives and/or friends.  Her husband may not be interested in trying to work things out and if so, she can’t make him.  He will have to want to improve their marriage and take necessary actions consistently.  If he is not willing and rather criticize, belittle, blame or do something else to cause further stress, then she will have to set boundaries, ultimatums, talk with a counselor, or end the marriage.

Women who are successful in most areas of their lives become that way because they make a conscious effort to make changes in their lives spiritually, mentally, and/or physically that will benefit not just themselves but everyone.  Children are happier, supportive husbands will honor her, relatives and friends notice the difference and some may even ask her, “How did you do it?”  A strong determination to be a happy woman must be accompanied with action.  Talking with friends, hoping, wishing and waiting will not make any one happier when there is work to be done.  Women will have to use the tools that they have around them from the husband to the Internet to begin to make a conscious effort to become a happier woman.  The worry over the past and what every one will think will have to be totally forgotten in order to make the quest for happiness work.

Some tips on how you can get started on your quest to happiness are as follows:

Avoid unsupportive family members and friends who have enjoyed listening to your stories of misery in the past until you are stronger about what it is that you truly want to do to achieve your happiness.  Why confide in people who are doing worse off than you?  Once you have made some progress in your quest to be happy, you may want to change how you converse with them, being less likely to share negative events that have happened in your day and more likely to share positive ones.

Begin to network with people that can help you in your community or on the Internet.  From job searching to starting a business, create a plan on who you intend to contact, what reference guides you may need to purchase, conferences that you are willing to attend and classes you may need to take.

Make the time to have lunch with friends that make you feel appreciated.  You will need someone to talk to about your progress.  Designate that person to hold you accountable if you begin to slip back into old habits.

Set up an appointment with your doctor and dentist to be sure that you are not suffering from any illness that could be aiding your problems.  You may have everything going well, but still be unhappy, that may be a sign of a bigger problem ahead.

Find something you enjoy and stick with it.  Do you enjoy listening to music?  Taking small trips?  Exercising?  These pleasures will help you get some of those problems you haven’t tackled yet off your mind.  Enjoy those positive distractions.

Change the way you eat.  Food has a lot to do with mood swings.  Anything high in sugar, fat, carbohydrates and more may be contributing to your mood slowing your progress to becoming content with your life.

Consider uplifting yourself spiritually via a faith in your Creator.  Many people believe in God and do well believing in a higher power other than them selves.  If you haven’t recently visited a church, watched spiritual programming or read the Bible, you may want to start.  You will find that what you are going through doesn’t even come close to what others are experiencing.  You may be less likely to complain about your life and more likely to appreciate it.  Becoming in touch with your spiritual self is helpful toward becoming a happier person when done within reason.  You don’t ever want to become so heavenly minded and self-righteous that you can’t help anyone else.

Treasure moments with your children when they are doing good things and discipline them when they are not.  Whatever you do don’t give up on them!  Praise them, make or buy them something special, or take them out to a fun place.   They will want to see the happier you and who knows you may create long lasting memories that they will remember for the rest of their lives!  Of course, be sure to leave them with their father or another caretaker at times so that you can value and appreciate yourself.

Most of all, if your mate is supportive, then don’t neglect your husband.  Encourage him to do the things he has always wanted to do as long as it doesn’t interfere with your dreams.  You don’t want to go backward by putting off your desires while he achieves his, you will have to stand your ground.

These ideas are just a start toward your transition from a stressful wife to a happy woman, get started on your new life today!

Nicholl McGuire also manages the blog When Mothers Cry, check it out and subscribe today!

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Family Activities Don't Have to Cost Money Just Your Time

Family Activities Don't Have to Cost Money Just Your Time: Parenting blog for families of multi-age groups - newborns, tweens, and teens. Basic facts on raising children. Tips on shopping for children.

How Parents Secretly Favor One Child Over Another

Parents began favoring one child over another the day when the not-so favored child decided to go against the rules not once, not twice, but as many times as they could to get what they wanted, make a statement, or show parents when their wrong in their judgments.  Controlling adults who become parents don’t take too kindly to this behavior and will punish the child, at times, severely. The hardheaded, stubborn, strong-willed, defiant and many other words used to describe this challenging child was why secretly, parents gave up on the battles with him or her and began to favor the easy-going, obedient, and respectful child.

This is a sad truth! As much as parents say they love all their children the same, the reality is they don’t. They love their children differently based on the personality that they have noticed within each of their children. John will receive tough love because he challenges authority and David will receive a gentler love because he doesn’t put up a challenge. As both children become older, tasks are given to them and they are expected to follow instructions and make mom and dad proud. However, the child who prefers to question authority before he completes his task is met with a frown from defeated parents who have grown weary of John’s “smart mouth, mess ups” etc. So he makes a decision not to even do the task – “Why bother, my parents don’t expect me to do it right anyway?” Yet, the favored child completes the task and doesn’t let the parents’ attitude or his sibling’s objections affect what needs to be done. Moments like these are repeated over time, from asking that the room be cleaned to taking out the trash while parents are judging who is more responsible.

The more responsible child will ultimately win the prize once they are older whether it be college paid for, a trust fund, property left to them, their grandchildren receiving gifts and a host of other rewards. The already favored child gets an increase of “brownie points,” while the other child is labeled irresponsible and reminded about the past and all the times he or she failed at assigned tasks and didn’t follow parent’s orders. Could it have been the un-favored child just needed a little more instruction, attention or maybe a simple smile from mom or dad that said, “I have faith in you”?

Now that the children have become adults, parents are observing each adult child’s behavior more-so, because they know that the kind of adult their child has become will reflect on whether the parents enabled the success or failure of all their children. The favored child has shown a consistent lifestyle with little, if any, fluctuation in it. He or she doesn’t seem to waver too far from mom or dad, they seem to be around to help them in whatever way they can –sometimes without being asked. They aren’t frivolous with their finances and seem to have stable relationships with everyone around them. Yet, the not so favored child is not coming around the parents often. In fact, they may have moved out of the state, against his or her parent’s wishes. He or she doesn’t have many stable relationships and enjoys spending money at times more than what the parents would have done when they were his or her age. The parents see their adult child as irresponsible in their eyes. Is the adult child really irresponsible or just different and the parents don’t like it because they can’t control them? The answer to this question lies with the person going through a similar experience.

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Why Your Relative, Friend is Always without Money

Sometimes we have to say no to friends who repeatedly borrow.

Your relative or friend isn’t on drugs, at least so you think. He isn’t binging on alcohol or running from the law, you don’t guess. She isn’t wasting money on men and parties, you don’t believe. So why is it that at least once a month your friends are coming up short with cash? Something is very wrong and you intend to find out what is behind the smile and the, “Please I really need your help.”
In order to find out why your loved one is always without cash you will have to learn to not only hear what he or she is saying but also pay attention to what he or she is doing.

Now if you don’t spend any time with your friend you wouldn’t know what is really going on behind the scenes. If you are not going over to their home or workplace you definitely wouldn’t know. All you can do at this point is take him or her at his or her word. But if you are curious, then why not visit your relative and look around his or her home. Why not, call your friend more often. Why not talk to other family members and other friends of course not gossiping, but listening to what their experience has been like lately with your friend. You will be surprised what is going on behind the scenes and you may even feel burdened to help more or less. When you visit your relative or friend’s home, check for wasteful spending or poor living. Check the cabinets, the freezer, and other places to see if they are buying bulk items or dollar store boxes. Are they buying their children everything under the sun or nothing under the moon? What about the expensive hobby or the bottomless home business they boast about, is it sapping what little income they have?

Some people don’t usually want to help anyone in the first place, but those that do, don’t bother to ask for details. However, if you are frequently being asked for money most likely you want to know the details, so the relative or friend will stop asking. One thing you could do is listen to this person’s problems from the beginning and take at least a day to think about whether you want to give them $5, $500.00 or $5,000. If they are honest, then his or her story won’t change, but if your loved one isn’t, you will find out soon enough especially if you question more deeply the next time they ask you for money. You could say, “I keep track of where my money goes and what it’s being used for. I need to know exactly what is going on in your life that is keeping you from taking care of your bills. Maybe I could direct you to professionals who could best help you in your situation.” When you say this, you are doing two things: letting your loved one know that you want to help, but you are also warning he or she that you will no longer help.

So what is really going on in your relative or friend’s life? Well there could be many things, but we will take on a few possibilities.

Taxes, Collection Agencies, Loans
Always consider the timing they are asking you for money. As we all know April is the time when most taxes are due. So if your relative or friend is suddenly hit with unpaid taxes due to lies that have come back to haunt him or her, then most likely he or she didn’t budget for this and will be scrambling around trying to get the money to keep the tax man or woman happy. Collection agencies are also bombarding him or her with requests to pay this bill or that one, he or she may have paid some companies to keep them quiet, but came up short to buy things like groceries.
If your relative or friend just started attending college or just graduated then there are expenses and lots of them. You may have been one of the relatives or friends who encouraged him or her to go to college, but little did you know that you will also be one of them who will be helping your loved one pay the bills particularly if the parents can’t afford it.

No one wants this to ever happen to them, but it does. One day you go to the mailbox and you see a letter with the name of an attorney in the return address section of the envelope. Your relative or friend may have been served papers to pay the following: child support, damages to someone’s property, an unpaid ticket, or something else and now they are on the phone calling whoever they can to stay out of jail.

Credit Cards, Bank Overdraft Fees
Once again consider the timing. The holidays have passed and the debt has mounted and there is simply no way for your friend to pay for home, groceries, bills, and the children’s schooling. He or she may be concerned about yet another late fee and over limit charge. If he or she can pay at least the bills down low enough to keep from getting hit with yet another fee, he or she reasons, then maybe your loved one can rebound next month at least so he or she thinks. The problem: next month shows up and they still owe a substantial amount of money to the bank or credit card company.

Drinking, Drugs, and Gambling
Say it ain’t so! But it is so if you notice your relative or friend’s appearance has changed and suddenly he or she can’t seem to keep anything in his or her home including a television, someone is participating in a bad habit. When you start hearing about how the children don’t have their gaming system, video tapes, television, and other valuables in the home are missing, then most likely someone is “hustling” for more reasons than just paying bills. However, so that you aren’t falsely accusing your beloved relative or friend, notice the frequency that they are asking for money, how they look, and what the children (if there are any) are saying.

Gambling habits can be tricky to detect, but are noticeable if you watch carefully. The rent is due but they don’t have the money. Not to mention the many other things that have been cut off over the past few months, he or she always has an excuse. Those excuses are usually lies to cover up the fact that they gambled their money and can’t pay bills. If you feed into their greed, you are just as bad as them. You are funding their addiction and eventually it will cause problems in your relationship especially when they win and don’t give you a single nickel!

Unexpected Illness
If someone has recently become ill then chances are they will need to pay some hospital bills that aren’t covered by health coverage. However, to be sure they aren’t lying; ask to see all hospital bills. You may even want to write a check to the company yourself. This way you are freeing their finances up to pay for their personal bills while keeping the honest folks honest.

Job Loss
There are many people who are losing their jobs, so it is very easy to see if your relative or friend is indeed telling the truth. A pop-up visit on a job, calling him or her at their former place of work, or asking someone who works there if he or she is still at the job are all ways to find out if he or she really lost his or her job. They may not be receiving unemployment or the amount is so low they can barely live on it, if this is true, find out what you can do to help them cut their spending such as suggesting things they need to cut out of their lives until your loved one is back to work again.

Wasteful Spending
Unfortunately the relative or friend who keeps asking you for money could be wastefully spending. For example, buying items the children don’t need, eating out often and drinking coffee from one of those expensive shops, purchasing the latest fashions, and buying other people things or contributing to nonprofits are all wasteful spending habits. When one is asking you for money, but yet able to buy for others and spend money on things that are not necessities, he or she doesn’t need your money, he or she needs a financial makeover.

New Relationship, Pregnancy
People don’t always budget appropriately for the “what ifs” in life. A new love interest and a sudden pregnancy will set anyone back financially. Your relative or friend most likely didn’t plan financially for this new person to come into his or her life or the unexpected baby that’s on his or her way. Sometimes it’s okay to help a person in this situation if they are demonstrating responsible behavior, but if not they can always look to a social service agency if they financially qualify.

It can be very difficult to say no to the loved ones in your life when it comes to money, but it doesn’t have to be particularly if you see him or her walking out of an expensive shop carrying bags of clothes and shoes or sipping on an expensive latte. Know your limit financially. Budget accordingly when making the decision to help a loved one or friend. Alert him or her to your expiration date on asking you for cash in advance. Most of all, always take the time to provide him or her with tips on staying out of financial trouble.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of What Else Can I Do on the Internet?

Let the Matter Drop - arguments, pain, revenge

Monday, April 3, 2017

Tell Me Mother You're Sorry - Distant Children - excerpt from book by N. McGuire

In my experience, when I observed and talked with many mothers and daughters on and off the Internet about their family issues, I recognized these women were wishing for things they didn’t receive from their mothers and other relatives in the family like an apology, a promised possession, the truth about the past, and more. For instance, a woman shared she had vague memories of her mother ever hugging her. She described her mother as being “cold” and “mean.” Many spoke about how their mothers didn’t care too much about what they did, where they went, and who they met back when we were in high school. Some shared how their moms expected them to act like mothers to their younger siblings and how much they hated it. I recall one daughter sharing how she didn’t like how her mother would just pick up and move the family every time she broke up with one of her boyfriends. I heard of stories where both daughters and sons were verbally, physically
or sexually abused by their mothers and how they had to end up cutting them out of their lives. A few talked about how they didn’t appreciate having to lie for moms while others talked of how they picked up certain bad habits from them. Then there were those that were called many horrible names and treated more like slaves rather than their mothers’ children.
From eating disorders to drunkenness, there were far too many things these daughters and sons saw that they didn’t like about their mothers, yet there were those who could clearly see they were repeating patterns. Some issues these grown children faced later in life had been directly connected with their upbringing. Although a number of mothers would acknowledge this fact, there are far more that would simply want their children to sweep issues under the rug, let bye-gones be bye-gones, and move on with life. Easier said for these moms then done for their children. It was obvious that healing needed to take place in these sons and daughters’ lives even if it meant protecting themselves and their families from more of their mothers’ strange behaviors by no longer contacting them.
Part of moving on is defining what the family problems are, and then beginning a process that emotionally and physically frees sons and daughters from their toxic mothers’ mental and physical games. Running from mom, lying about or to mom, ignoring her reactions, covering for her with others you know she has wronged, cursing at her, or acting as if there is no elephant in the room, does nothing more than feed the negative roots that steadily grow within family relationships. A daughter or son who never felt his or her mother validated him or her emotionally, physically or spiritually will lash out. This is why some will seek a third party to help resolve problems. For some, these children were nothing more than d├ęcor in the home to be seen and not heard. They were to look beautiful, sit still, and don’t cause a disturbance. Other daughters and sons were treated like footstools; moms took their burdens and placed them on their children. Then there were those that were treated like trash bins, when Mom had useless junk, problems, mood swings, and whatever else she couldn’t take out to the dumpster, her daughters and sons were there to collect it all!
So in this book, you will be reminded of many good, bad and ugly things concerning your mother or someone else’s, but the focus is to heal from the past while trying not to perpetuate the emotional and/or physical abuse you endured onto others. Various troubled individuals never reached a place of freedom in their lives where they ever received Mama’s apology, affection, or anything that would make them feel that their mothers acknowledged their pain. What’s worse some died still wishing for the matriarchs to take away all the pain.
When you keep hearing similar stories about mothers and children in bad relationships, and you find that most people who share them still have a long way to go when it comes to recovery, you have to wonder do some really know just how deep the rabbit hole goes when it comes to having a dysfunctional relationship with one’s mother. Do some truly understand what Jesus meant when he said, “They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law” (Luke 12:53). We are seeing evidence of this as we watch mothers try to parent disrespectful teens while others try to mend broken relationships with sons and daughters. The writing is on the wall that sooner or later we will all meet our Maker and he will judge us accordingly.
So my drive for writing this book was not to bad mouth mothers and their children, but to validate the feelings of daughters and sons who are suffering, and to remind them they can heal from the past. Further, I want readers to know that it is okay to disagree, distance yourself, or cut off mom altogether when you can’t handle the words and actions of a spiritually, mentally and physically wounded woman who never felt she needed any help. I get it, I understand. Furthermore, I have printed my late grandmother’s playbook within the chapters of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry. A woman, who I watched up close and personal do many things, to not only get her way in life, but show children and others that she wasn’t as poor and unintelligent as some might have thought. She was a wealthy woman spiritually, a survivor of domestic violence, and despite her shortcomings, an inspiration for many.
When I wrote my previous book, When Mothers Cry, I did it because people needed to fully realize that there are many things that make up a mother’s role besides parenting children, and that there are aspects to being a mother that are not happy and causes many to cry. In the book, I reminded readers to provide mental, physical and spiritual support to mothers. Now in this book, I am showing the faces of many toxic mothers, the ones who just couldn’t get it right when it came to motherhood, and why their children reach a point where they cut them off. Tips are also provided where necessary.

Book excerpt from Tell Me Mother You're Sorry by Nicholl McGuire
Purchase your copy here.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Wedding, Worries, Women Woes

His family.
His need for a boy.
His job.
His money.
His time.
His TV.
His suggestion where we should live.
His car.
His ring.
His hobbies.
His friends.
His investments.
His exes.
His children.
Where do I fit in?
by Nicholl McGuire

Friday, February 24, 2017

Tell Me Mother You're Sorry - book about dysfunctional mothers - excerpt by Nicholl McGuire

One day you noticed the self-absorbed mother trying to be helpful, yet meanly criticizing, joking, playing, or doing something else that makes you feel awkward. She is coming into your room without knocking whether clothed or not. You found yourself having to keep insisting on your independence and protecting those you love because something isn't quite right with your mother. When she feels like you are “sassing” or “think you are so grown and never too old to get you’re a$$ whipped,” she tries to put you in your place. Now if you were to say something she doesn’t like, or do something that goes against her wishes, this kind of mom will try to humiliate you around witnesses. A slap across the face, a name-call over the phone, or a nasty remark about your husband or children and before long you are ready to do battle. Fall into that trap and she will make sure she appears like she was in the right while telling others, “You see how your sister reacted to me! Look at how your niece acts! See why I don’t bother with these young people!” Yet, this mother started the mess, but it doesn't matter to onlookers. You were at fault because you fed into the drama.

Some of you readers will be the first to admit that at times you gave your mothers a hard time. You weren’t always honest, didn’t always do what you were told, and might have done the unspeakable because you were mad at Mom. I get it, I’m not judging. So where might some of that have come from? Think about it. Mom was sneaky, lying, and covering up some things too even if she wanted you to believe she was a perfect child, always listened to parents, and could do no wrong in her youth and up to now.
If you witnessed any mother-like figure's deceitful ways, you learned from the best. As long as you are on Team Mom and have trained your children to be on Team Grandma, then you are okay as long as everyone follows the rules. But you know that God has given us our own minds, a free will. We can choose to follow unrighteous precepts or live in peace doing our best to love and respect others whether near or far. No one should be bullied into doing something they don’t want to do!
A child of God, comfortable with his or her sense of self and identity, will break wicked programming from a mentally disturbed mother that has a long history of controlling her children using things like: bible studies and church attendance, strict fathers and relatives to scare them into submission, money and gifts, and emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Many adults suffer with self-esteem issues as a result and have trouble making challenging decisions because they still rely very much on their childhood caretakers that refuse to let them grow up.
Tell Me Mother You're Sorry by Nicholl McGuire
Some of you readers will be the first to admit that at times you gave your mothers a hard time. You weren’t always honest, didn’t always do what you were told, and might have done the unspeakable because you were mad at Mom. I get it, I’m not judging. So where might some of that have come from? Think about it. Mom was sneaky, lying, and covering up some things too even if she wanted you to believe she was a perfect child, always listened to parents, and could do no wrong in her youth and up to now.
If you witnessed any mother-like figure's deceitful ways, you learned from the best. As long as you are on Team Mom and have trained your children to be on Team Grandma, then you are okay as long as everyone follows the rules. But you know that God has given us our own minds, a free will. We can choose to follow unrighteous precepts or live in peace doing our best to love and respect others whether near or far. No one should be bullied into doing something they don’t want to do!
A child of God, comfortable with his or her sense of self and identity, will break wicked programming from a mentally disturbed mother that has a long history of controlling her children using things like: bible studies and church attendance, strict fathers and relatives to scare them into submission, money and gifts, and emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Many adults suffer with self-esteem issues as a result and have trouble making challenging decisions because they still rely very much on their childhood caretakers that refuse to let them grow up.
“A person with a very low sense of self generally has a fragmented, fractured, disconnected and disassociated sense of identity and self,” according to an article entitled, Selfhood and Recovery written by Terry Lynch. “The voices and conversations in their head reflect this, often appearing in third person, which are deemed to be hallucinations and therefore quite abnormal...” With many mothers, who have undergone traumatic experiences over a long period of time, they suffer with various thought disorders. From repeated abuse to difficult pregnancies, they struggle to make sense of their own worlds let alone others. There are plenty of recovery resources that help explain mental illnesses.
Nicholl McGuire
Book available in print and eBook

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Awakening to Blind Perception: Dysfunctional Dad

Your view of your father changes when someone more knowledgeable points out your father's flaws. In addition, you might become more enlightened about him as a result of personally experiencing negative events that you can no longer deny. Depending on our relationship with our fathers and the years of mind control we experienced with them, we will assume our perception is correct and all others are false.
Those that are "in love" with Dad will eye roll, deep sigh, argue, or even shake their heads if someone should tell them, "I think your father was responsible for...I believe he did...I know he doesn't like me...Your dad doesn't love anyone, he just uses people. He only cares about himself." Now those, who are not caught up in the illusion of seeing only what they want to see about their fathers and others, will not react in ways that show they are a part of Daddy's fan club. "Yes, I know that is true about him...I heard people say that...I am not like the others, I know my dad. I agree with you. That's why I don't take my family around him for those reasons." There is no argument or defending a toxic dad from wounded sons and daughters.
Your confidence about your dad's abilities when it comes to certain tasks depletes when you discover he has been doing things wrong for quite some time including destroying his own family due to his foolish thinking and ways. You learn that Dad is not as smart as you thought, isn't as nice as you once believed, has a long history of lying, and is unwilling to provide the resources to help you. You realize your dad isn't as big, bad, and scary as you once thought when you see him suffering due to circumstances beyond his control. Some of these dads have their share of "boys" who will esteem them, but usually their friends have their share of issues with them too that they may never reveal. As much as we would like to assume our own father or someone else's means well, chances are if he has a long line of victims with parallel experiences, he is not as charming as he might appear to be.
Nicholl McGuire author of Say Goodbye to Dad

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

14 Things Needed for Successful Family

14 Things Needed for Successful Family: Parenting blog for families of multi-age groups - newborns, tweens, and teens. Basic facts on raising children. Tips on shopping for children.


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