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Tuesday, March 24, 2015

On Bringing Family Members to Your Home When Relationship is in Trouble

Why do some couples do it, allow relatives to visit their homes when they know they don't see eye-to-eye on most things including people who don't like one or both of them? 

Sometimes a personal situation will occur where one person either has to care for a relative temporarily or chooses to bring a relative to one's home for a short or long term stay.  Meanwhile a partner might not be in agreement for a number of reasons such as: negative past experiences, inconvenience, personal health issues, relationship challenges, trouble-making statements/behavior, and more. 

Whatever the issue that stirs one to want to bring family for a visit, the point is, if things aren't right at home why cause more unnecessary turmoil for the relationship or cause discomfort for your visiting relatives by bringing them into an already stressed setting?

One.  Don't invite trouble-makers with a history that isn't in support of your relationship.

You are asking for problems when you let someone come into your home that has made it clear he or she doesn't like you or your mate's past or present actions.  Notice this person's behavior.  Has he or she sincerely acted any different over the years?  Parents who act in this way assume that all is forgotten if they stand to gain something from the visit like: being tended to, playing with grandchildren, receiving monies, etc.  However, bad experiences usually aren't forgotten by those who had to endure back-handed comments, mean-spirited facial expressions, bad-mouthing, and the like.  Keep in mind, there just might be that moment during the visit where the past will come back up again and are you prepared to take sides?

Two.  State your concerns to your mate.

You might be in a relationship with someone who is understanding, but then again maybe not.  Whoever you are with, communicate the pros and cons of the potential visit.  Far too often, family members will deceive one another into thinking that all is well when in fact there is some hidden resentment, jealousy, and unresolved past issues they are coping with.  Permitting someone to come to your home because you think all is well is simply not enough and remember you might have a bias view if this person is your relative or friend planning to visit.  Listen to your mate.  Say and do the kinds of things that will bring your partner peace of mind or simply cancel plans if you detect that there is going to be trouble.

Three.  Avoid the temptation to lie or sugar-coat your feelings about certain relatives.

Pretending, lying, or exaggerating is not going to help matters.  A partner who thinks that bringing a relative into the home is beneficial while you disagree, needs to know the truth.  Sooner or later, your true colors will show up and it is then that you or your significant will be considered the bad guy or gal.

Four.  Make plans to go out of town, work longer hours, visit friends, and do other things in an effort to keep intense moments to a minimum.

Let's just say, things aren't a bad as they appear to be, if so, then figure out what you are going to do with your time so that you aren't caught having to watch, care for, or entertain a loved one.  However, the likelihood of you helping at some point or another will occur as long as the person is living in the home.

As much as we would like to think that the past is just what it is and all old offenses are long forgotten, the truth is that bad times have a way of lingering especially with those not-so favorite relatives.  Be honest with your partner and do what you must to keep trouble out of your home.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

Saturday, March 21, 2015

What's Right About Family Members, What's Wrong

When it comes to thinking about what's right about family, words come to mind like: love, patience, peace, money, fun, and laughter.  When I think of what is wrong when it comes to family, I see words like: pain, discovery, hope, help, anger, abuse, rage, sadness, and regret.

So much time wasted over the years with strange people who liked the sound of saying things like, "I love you...I will help you...Don't worry...Be good..." yet failed miserably at being good examples (of course some, not all).  I think of those who meant well, but had far too many demons in their closets to help anyone much less themselves.

I have been hopeful over the years that the sick, confused, and blind family members will be made well.  I have wished that widows would find love again and broken-hearted mothers would do other things with their lives besides provoke their children to anger with all their unreasonable requests.

Family just doesn't mean the same for all people.  Those that I have witnessed who truly loved their families took the bitter with the sweet and worked together so that all in their circle could live reasonably well.  However, those who claimed to love their families didn't do anything more than to make bad situations worse with all their lies, exaggerations, gas lighting, fighting, and more.  Then these same individuals would act as if nothing they did was ever wrong!

I think when you have a great set of relatives, you should appreciate them.  Show them just how much you care and offer service every now and again.  But when you have toxic relatives, you should go no contact, and find a new family.  Adopt parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, and others who can show you love and enjoy your presence.  I personally believe there is a Creator who allows such things to happen.  New people are welcomed into lives while old people are pushed out.  I hope for nothing but the best for those of you who honestly desire healthy relationships and that you will sincerely find what you have been looking for before you close your eyes forever.

Nicholl McGuire

Friday, March 20, 2015

Why Obligate Yourself to Things You Really Don't Want to Do?

The great thing about reaching mature adulthood is finally coming to a period in your life when you are finally living for you!  Of course, there are responsibilities, obligations, and other things that come up, but you can pick what you are capable of handling and what you can't put up with.  You always have the option to say "no" to what other people feel you should do and say regarding a situation that may or may not involve your assistance.  But what happens is far too often, people put themselves in tough spots because they have yet to realize what truly standing up for yourself and others really means.  Instead, they are manipulated or forced into doing things or cordially charmed into making others feel good inside while they suffer.

I think of the many people, both young and old, spiritual and nonspiritual, rich and poor, who are emotionally, physically and spiritually in bondage with others because they simply can't say things like, "No, I will not be attending the event...Sorry I can't help with that...I will not be paying for yet another thing...I just don't have the time and patience...Could you find someone else to do it?"  These Rush to Say Yes people, who are more concerned about their reputations, how someone or a group feels, or the consequences if they should say no, are typically the ones who blame others for things they have gotten themselves into.  When you know you can't handle something, why subject yourself to it in the first place?

Relationships, friendships and more have been negatively impacted by weak-minded individuals who have said yes for far too long to family, friends, bosses, church leaders, and others without giving a thought to things like: how their "yes" or "maybe" might inconvenience others, what they might have to do/sacrifice and for how long, and whether they will still have a good relationship/friendship when it is all over.

Over the years, I recall hearing in church as well as from a couple of relatives, let your yes be yes and your no be no.  When you can't do something, get out of it quickly.  Don't turn your household upside down or get angry with people because you thought you could do something, but now you can't.  Most often, individuals will understand when you choose not to attend their events, help with tasks, and do other things as long as you let them know early on.  The truth is, they really didn't want to do some of what they were asking you to do; therefore, they seek someone who will make their lives easier.  Think about that for a moment.  Is your life easy right now?  Can you benefit out of what this person or group might be asking you to do?  Is the so-called benefits worth it? 
Find freedom in doing the things you truly want to do and not because other people have obligated you to what they want.  If you feel controlled in a relationship, please do stop by:

Signs of Mental Illness in Older Children -- Arleen Fitzgerald -- UHC TV

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Do You Have Any Normal Relatives?

I pondered this thought when I kept seeing dysfunction show up with some of my relatives while I wished to be around those I considered normal--no obvious mental handicaps, no crazy mannerisms, no loud talking, or angering others.  From the time I was a child, I recognized there was just something wrong with many family members.  I thought it quite strange that no one seemed to notice or said anything and acted as if what these people would say or do was okay.  Some were blatantly over-the-top about everything, reactive, all-too-ready to fight about whatever whenever, and it was excused.

I recalled an uncle who would often beat up his girlfriends, but always had a seat at the family table.  Then there was another uncle that would often be loud-mouthed and disrespectful to his mother and he got the pass.  I can't tell you how many relatives were intoxicated, cursing, and just downright stupid especially at family events.  "What was up with these people?" I thought.  Problems in the family, behind closed doors, weren't self-contained either, they would show up in courtrooms, on neighbors doorsteps, and elsewhere.  Someone always needed something from another relative and if he or she didn't deliver there was hell to pay!  Being a child, all I could do was watch.  There was no asking questions or commenting about "grown folks business."  I heard, "Stay in a child's place, mind your business!"

I seriously can say that "normalcy" is not a word I could ever use with some relatives and their households.  When you are in the middle of a circle with crazy people orbiting you like the sun, it can be all so draining!  You often feel alone as if you have no one to talk to because mental illness runs wild.  I would love to say that I grew up around certain family members and life was pretty normal, but it wasn't, I know that now more than ever before.  Their brainwashing has long worn off!  It took years to shake off some wicked programming and even more to stop thinking negative things. 

When you are around dysfunctional people long enough, you will find yourself thinking and behaving in ways that look more like them and less like you.  This is why I will be the first to support any one who decides they want to go No Contact with some relatives.  Going no contact means freedom from arguments, crazy and toxic relatives, and you don't have to worry about who lied, cried, died, etc.  You are also no longer concerned about someone getting murdered or jailed.  You stop caring and are free to live your life!  I realize what God means when he says, "Turn your burdens over to me and I will give you rest."

When you are a child, you have no choice, but to deal with what appears to be normal folks in your family.  But when you get out of your small town and small-minded thinking, you are opened up to a world where things you thought were normal growing up isn't and if you aren't careful you might fall into a trap of additional craziness! 

Some of you recall the day when you discovered that certain people were not what relatives said they were, when what your family called tradition really wasn't, what a relative said or did to you was evil, etc.  It is quite liberating when you are no longer under what someone's false definition of normal is.  So I pray that those of you who seek healthy relationships, a quiet life, and much blessing, get what you have been craving now and forever!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7


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