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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

When Loved Ones Grow Apart

It doesn't matter what the title the loved one holds, if he or she is a liar, cheat, adulterer, angry, bitter, or has a lifestyle that you don't agree with, you have a right to permit whoever you want in your inner circle.  Will you be judged, ridiculed, or treated badly by others for your actions?  Probably.  But the great thing about being an adult and having a mind and life of your own, you can call the shots in your personal life.  No government, religion, or anyone else can make you do anything with your mind unless you allow them to have it. 

Sometimes we permit people to be in our lives for a season because they are bringing something to the table.  They are helping us achieve certain goals, build us up, teach us, and more.  We may also be a help to them as well.  However, the relationship between parents, sibilings, and other relatives tend to take an ugly turn when one or both parties can no longer see eye to eye, don't see the purpose anymore of relating to one another, or have simply changed due to life events.  One or both no longer see any benefit in communicating, visiting, or assisting each other any longer.  This isn't necessarily a good or bad thing, it just is. 

People grow weary of negativity.  They get tired of the same conversations about the same people.  They desire to have a more uplifting and helpful kind of relationship that grows with them.  But what happens, is we all can become stale, boring, or even odd over the course of our lives and not everyone is going to keep welcoming us in their presence.  This is why some people truly stop calling or coming around.  Being busy is often true, but there is also a truth that many family members, neighbors, friends don't say because they don't want to hurt feelings, and that is, "I am so done with you...I'm over all of that!  Can't you get a life?!  Why do we keep talking about the same things?  Is there anything more going on with you besides...?"

There are those relatives who witness a once close parent and child relationship or siblings become distant and they hurt inside and want to see them interact like in the past.  But people change.  They just aren't going to remain the same for the rest of their lives, they will either get better or get worse. 

When life deals us a bad hand, we keep playing the game--we don't quit.  We strategize in such a way that we don't have to lose too badly.  Carrying negative people along in our lives will make us want to do things we don't want to do like quit the game of life ie.) marriage, raising children, relocating, etc. prematurely.  So if we are going to go down, we rather do it alone then with someone who may or may not know that he or she is helping us stay down with all his or her criticism, bad experiences, and overall miserable outlook on life.

So if you are one who is growing apart from some family members, don't look at it as a bad thing.  They don't even have to be negative people, just people you are no longer interested in.  Don't beat yourself up about it and don't take on any guilty feelings that others try to place on you because you have changed. 

Consider that for this time in your life, distancing yourself from certain people is giving yourself the permission to grow--to become the kind of person you want to be!  Now if you are the one who is concerned about others' familial relationships, know that people have their reasons as to why they behave like they do and it is just best to give them space; otherwise you get too much involved, those who are at odds with one another may turn against you one day.  Let time heal some wounds.

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Take a Break from Relatives, Friends It's Okay

Between job and children, you simply don't have the time to call relatives or friends much less visit with them especially when you have personal and public challenges.  So why beat yourself up about connecting with loved ones?  Well sometimes guilt others place on us have a way of making us talk to people even when we aren't in the mood.  Other times we just feel this tugging on the inside that we should call someone.  Then throw in past regrets and before long you are in a cycle of needing someone to talk to even when it isn't the most wisest things to do when you are under a lot of stress.

Taking a break from relatives and friends is something that many people who feel obligated to everyone, but themselves, don't do.  They reason that someone will be offended, won't help them, or do other things all because they didn't return a call right away or stop by their home.  If it worries these people too much about what a relative or friend wants, they will not only call, but run to the person even when the issue is unimportant.  Now some individuals who don't feel so much pressure about talking or visiting others will let relatives and friends know in advance what is coming up and that they will be unavailable within a certain period of time.

People can only have as much access to you as you allow.  If what use to work for you is no longer working for one reason or another, you can change the relationship with a certain invidiual or group simply by establishing a new set of boundaries.  If you prefer someone don't contact you anymore, then avoid responding to this person the way you normally do by not inviting him or her to your home, share personal thoughts, family stories, etc.  Instead, state the truth in a way that brings you peace, if the person is doing or saying something that is bothering you and you don't like it, he or she most likely will be offended that you called him or her out on his or her behavior which just might work to your favor of not having to deal with this person in the future. 

Remember, you can't control how one is going to receive that truth, so don't try.  Besides, consider this free time as a test to see which relatives or friends are more interested in what you can do for them rather than what is in your best interest for the time being.

Nicholl McGuire

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Daughters Need Fathers, Too

With the recent passing of a family member, I thought of the many obstacles the 40 plus year old woman had to go through.  She didn't have a close relationship with most of her relatives and she was always in search of love.  While growing up, the childless woman had a father who was more interested in people and things outside the home rather than his own family.  Not only that, there was favoritism her dad showed toward her brothers.  Having sons was a big deal during her childhood and many young girls, like her, felt that overwhelming desire to win over their fathers' attention.  So I take a moment to share this article with those parents who are expecting daughters as well as those fathers who might still have a chance to make wrongs right with their female offspring.  See here.

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