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Monday, November 4, 2019

5 Things to Do Stay Out of Family Dramas Before the Holiday Season Approaches

Holiday seasons can make or break families.  Some trouble-making relatives simply don't want to mind their own business, behave themselves, or act respectfully around others.  So with that said, you will want to be proactive in protecting your mind, body and spirit this upcoming season while alerting those closest to you that you don't want to be bothered with the gossips, liars, braggarts, or drunkards in your family or others.

Here are a some things you can do to keep the family drama at bay.  Remember, the more involved you are with certain family members, the more likely you will find yourself in the middle of some nonsense!

1)  Stay busy with your own task list.  Don't offer service and don't expect others to help you with your holiday plans.

If you are busy, you won't have any idle time to participate in the latest family drama.  You also won't be available to offer service or ask for help.  In some cases, no good deed goes unpunished.  Picky, petty and controlling types will not be satisfied with your assistance no matter what you do!  Lazy, rude or manipulative relatives may appear helpful initially, but in time they will make a mountain out of a molehill regarding your holiday planning requests.

2)  Avoid answering the phone or visiting those relatives who merely want to talk about what everyone else is doing.

So much time is wasted because someone wants you to be available to listen to their comments, complaints, concerns, etc. about someone else.  Is it any wonder why unflattering information gets passed around by the gossips?  Feed into the b.s. and you will surely be caught in their web of destruction sooner rather than later.

3)  Safeguard your wallet by not offering or promising to buy any items for anyone when you know that your funds are running low.  Don't expect others to buy you and your family members anything.

You will surely be let down if you are relying on petty people to make you and your family happy this year with their cheap gifts.  When you know that money is tight, why upset a spouse or children by trying to impress others with pricey gifts?  Stay quiet about buying anything or wanting anything in return.  Meanwhile, you just might hear how others are such a burden for expecting relatives to buy them as well as their children. 

4)  Opt out of preparing holiday meals when once again you know you can't afford it.

The irritation and anger shows up out of nowhere when you are spending money you really don't have on things that will bite you in the butt later!  Just because someone else wants to holiday plan, doesn't mean you have to.

5)  Don't involve anyone in past or current conflict concerning your relatives.  Teach children to stay out of grown folks business!

Children, believe it or not, can be a source of confusion and misery during holiday seasons.  They are desiring any number of things: a new pet, divorced parents reconciled, expensive gifts, lots of money, college funds...whatever someone has manipulated them into believing.  When the negativity begins to arise in children, put a stop to it quickly!  Explain your situation as well as scold rebellious children.  Difficult young people can easily be used by mean-spirited adults to carry negative information about you as well as others, don't fuel the fire!

When people are getting along, the holiday season comes and goes without conflict, but when people are at war with one another before a holiday season, all hell breaks loose sometimes sooner rather than later.  Know who your family foes are and avoid them like a plague!

Nicholl McGuire


Thursday, July 18, 2019

Ignoring Your Reality - Be True to Yourself

7 Signs a Parent or Grandparent is Just Not into You and Your Family

When one feels like he or she is not welcome in a family, it can be difficult to believe this especially around the holidays.  Sometimes it is assumed that because it is a holiday season everyone will treat you and your family well, but this isn't always the case.  Unresolved issues, past disputes, gossip, lies, and more will keep some relatives from connecting with those they deem trouble-makers.  But how can you tell if the family appears like they are polite and welcoming even though you have a feeling they don't care for you and others?

One.  Kinfolk (including a partner or exes relatives) expresses no interest in you or your family's holiday celebrating.

Two.  The relatives explain to you why they will not be buying gifts this year, yet you find out that certain family members received gifts.

Three.  You or children may have got something from them, but it wasn't much or needed.  They didn't bother to ask you what you could use.

Four.  You find out that a parent or grandparent has repeatedly talked negatively about you to your siblings and other family members.

Photo by William Krause on Unsplash
Five.  They don't bother to call or come around whether during a holiday season or not.

Six.  When you speak to them or see them out on the street they don't bother to ask about your family.

Seven.  They are not helpful or kind when you and your family are in need.

After years of dismissing signs, at some point you come to the realization that you are the one who is reaching out to relatives even when they are not very nice, generous, or appreciative of you and your family.  In time, your efforts begin to diminish, sometimes this is noticed and relatives might accuse you of acting indifferent.  However, you know the truth.  Safeguard your children from tension filled atmospheres and negative family members.

Nicholl McGuire is the owner and contributor of this blog.

Sunday, June 9, 2019

On Making Excuses for the Crazy Daughter, In-Law



She cries easily, yells loudly, and makes confusing statements that leave you scratching your head.  You know and others close to her know that your "special" daughter or in-law is just not wrapped too tight in her mind.  

For a long time, excuses were made for a daughter's erratic mood swings, sudden shopping sprees, and promiscuity.  As much as you and other kinfolk didn't want to believe that there was something indeed wrong with her, the exes, former coworkers, friends, and even law enforcement convinced you otherwise.  Now you look at someone who seems like a stranger every now and again.  You try to reason the unreasonable when she gets herself in trouble once again.  

After all you or someone else has been with this person, you are still tempted to deny that your relative has an undiagnosed mental illness when someone stares oddly at her.  Yet, truth is truth!  No more covering up facts, no more lies, blaming or excusing off-the-wall behavior, your relative needs some help!

Sometimes help comes when a mental episode is so bad that once again law enforcement has to get involved.  Other times help comes when an observant witness, who has a relative with similar behavior, provides you with resources that has helped his or her family.  You might perform your own research and have an idea what the mental illness might be.  However, that is not enough!  Figuring out a way to get your relative to the mental hospital should be your plan.

Drugs and alcohol tend to play a part in aggravating a person who already has a severely troubled mind.  Getting hooked up with an intimate partner who also has a mental illness will also add fuel to the fire.  Living with people who don't understand mental challenges will cause even more problems for your daughter or in-law.  It is very important to have the person removed from a toxic environment as soon as possible.  

If you know someone who has repeatedly shown obvious signs that he or she is mentally disabled; yet the family sweeps everything under the rug, visit the MentalHealth.gov website.  Not every mental crisis is treated the same way.  You can anonymously make a call to support groups who provide resources if you feel the individual is being abused.




If the individual is abusing drugs and/or alcohol, check out rehab centers in your area and request information on how to start the process on getting some help. 

Nicholl McGuire is a survivor of domestic violence, owner of this blog, an author and inspirational speaker on YouTube.

Sunday, June 2, 2019

7 People You Can’t Trust in Your Family

There are some people you just can’t trust because they have done things like:  chronically lied to you, repeatedly cheated, shared your personal information with others after you asked them not to, or talked negatively about you behind your back especially to those who dislike you.  Yet, some of us will continue to be charmed by these people and hold on to them because of their titles such as: mother, father, sister and brother or for sentimental reasons.

Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash
We will continue to forgive and sometimes forget about what they have done to us, only to be disappointed time and time again.  These people can be disrespectful and manipulative.  Sometimes we need to be reminded who to say no to when approached and mean it.

One.  The person who never says anything about his or her personal life, but loves listening to what information you might have about others.

Never having too much of anything to say, the quiet individual can’t be trusted too much with details about your life.  Although he or she appears to care about our feelings and the things we share about our lives, the reality is that the mind is keeping record of what we say.  Eventually, this person will use information later against you especially if they are offended by you in some way.  For example, the infraction could have been a comment you made about his or her appearance, spending, marital relationship, or children, the minute the door is open, the floodgate of information is lifted then shared with others.  This person becomes your enemy.  

Two.  The one who can be bought with money and gifts.

You can keep this person as your “friend” for a limited time only.  However, the day you stop giving or say, “No” to him or her is the day when he or she is going to talk negatively about you to others.  Definitely not someone you can trust.  Remember, he or she is relying on you, you really have no need for him or her as a personal confidante.

Three.  The funny guy or story-teller who enjoys getting a reaction from listeners.

Big mouth, comedic types of folks use information shared for their next act sometimes with others.  They get a rush making people react to what they say.  Your secrets might slip out of a big mouth especially if they are good ones.  You don’t ever share personal details about your life with someone who makes a living talking to others and producing material unless you could care less about your stories getting out.

Four.  The relative who is always in need of money, boasts about money, or owes you money.

Money-loving and desperate people tend to be heartless and cruel.  They really have no use for people, places and things unless they can benefit them in some way.  These type of family members will do almost anything for cash.  From creating division between relatives to telling lies to keep quiet about things that they have seen and heard, a relative who needs money, owes money or already has it isn’t listening too much when you have your own share of troubles.

Five.  The family member who doesn’t believe he or she is ever in the wrong.

Approach this relative about his or her negative ways and they will argue first rather than admit he or she is not right.  You can’t trust this person with any information because he or she will turn on you like a snake if you so much as share your flaws.  “Don’t tell me anything about what I do, remember you told me…” he/she says.  Always keep your personal business to your self when dealing with the self-righteous who believe they are just as perfect, if not, more than God.

Six.  Those loved ones who have addictions i.e.) legal or illegal drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and sexual issues.

Think, why would people need to rely on something harmful to their bodies to give them peace?  What has happened in their lives or is currently ongoing that would make these people feel like they need to escape reality if only for a moment?  Would you really want to share confidential information with this person in the hopes of getting useful feedback?  Has this person really proven that he or she can handle stress?  Nervous, worried, and impatient relatives aren’t always trustworthy and they too have a time limit on how long they stay quiet about juicy information.  The thoughts of what you said tend to come up frequently in a nervous person’s mind and sometimes it can be hard for them to keep a secret.

Seven.  The so-called Christian who brags about being a child of God yet he or she is a slave to sin.

Typically the believer who has a rollercoaster ride of a relationship with his or her Creator is a gossip.  For whatever reason, he or she will lie or exaggerate about things that they have trouble dealing with especially if you are doing well in life, but he or she is not.   These people will also falsely share information about God in ways that best suit them or those they are trying to impress.  It is best to trust in God and read the Bible for yourself, instead of believing a backsliding believer or unsaved man or woman with details of your life.

By identifying which relatives are untrustworthy while reflecting on the harmful things they have done to you and others in the past, will keep you from being drawn into unnecessary conflict with these people.  Most of all, you will be less likely to share your personal business with these individuals.

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog, author of Say Goodbye to Dad and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and a inspirational public speaker on YouTube.

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Wednesday, March 6, 2019

10 Things that Occur in Relationships that Couples Avoid Sharing with Others

You notice the photographs of what appears to be happy couples posted on the social networking sites you have joined.  You see them walking down the street holding hands.  You are in awe of your favorite relatives’ relationships and you secretly wish that you could have what they have.  Yet, before you get too lost into what you think is a happy relationship, know that many couples have their share of issues and if you were to be a fly on the wall you would be shocked at what you saw.  

  1. A partner’s personal body hygiene.
Although most women wouldn’t want the world to know their partners stink, some have gone publicly with what they discovered.  All that glitters doesn’t necessarily smell good so you might have read somewhere online with some celebrities.  A person’s hygiene says a lot about how they manage (or not) other areas of their lives.

  1. Past issues like: cheating, threats of divorce, deaths in the family, financial woes, jail time, etc.
Sure, the seemingly sweetheart couple appears to be in love now, but you would never know how much they endured in order to get to that place.  They wouldn’t tell most relatives, because sometimes keeping major issues private draw couples close rather than far apart.

  1. An incident(s) where one or both started physically fighting.
It would make sense why no one would ever hear about a couple’s physical altercations.  With the threat of going to jail as a result of dating or domestic violence, both would promise each other never to breathe a word.  Besides, if some relatives found out, the partner doing the fighting just might catch a bad case of being beaten to death depending on the family.

  1. Awful lies that were told and continue to happen.
Disputes between couples about lying are all-too-popular from lying about what one views on the internet to where he or she went while a partner was sleeping.  Those in denial would never want to let family and friends know that they were right about their partner being sneaky, irresponsible, untrustworthy, etc. so wicked lies are often covered up until something really bad happens.

  1. Appearance flaws.
Bad teeth, an unflattering part on the body or scar tissue from an accident, sometimes no one knows about these things but a partner. 

  1. A child or children really not being one or both of the parents.
This is one of the best kept secrets for a time.  However, sooner or later a child’s features will reveal the truth.  From skin tone to eye shape, something just isn’t right.  Observers will talk, but the couple will refuse to tell the story.  Sometimes secrets like this do far more harm than good.

  1. Weird fetishes, routines, and sexual desires.
As handsome as a man might look seated beside his beautiful wife, one may never know just how strange this couple might be behind closed doors.  Some couples participate in some very strange behavior that would leave many of us speechless.  Others have annoying habits that we would never tolerate if our partners were to do them.  Then there are those bizarre sexual things that happen at their home—you know the kind that you might want to be careful where you sit when visiting.  You also might want to be mindful of eating there too.

  1. An abortion or miscarriage.
This is a painful secret that many women and men have gone to their graves with.  No one wants to be reminded of something that occurred in their lives that they may never be forgiven for, so these couples who have experienced such things, stay quiet.

  1. Criminal issues like: stealing, rape, falsifying documents, fighting someone or group outside of the relationship, recklessly driving, etc.
Whether one or both in the relationship paid a fine or did some jail time, they wouldn’t want others to know about what happened for fear of being judged.

  1. A threat or attempt to commit suicide or other mental or physical condition.
Couples who have been through much emotional and physical turmoil usually don’t want anyone to know about their challenges.  They find it difficult being around people who have not experienced what they have been going through.  Some not only keep secrets but avoid coming around family and friends during tough times for any number of reasons.

If you find that you are in a relationship like the one described or know a couple like this, do take the time to be understanding about how others might feel.  If you are typically open about your life and begin to shut others out, they will react negatively toward you, worry, and may even drop by your residence unexpectedly depending on how close they might be to you. 

There is nothing wrong about keeping your life with your partner private.  If more couples did, they just might discover that they will be much happier. 

Nicholl McGuire manages this blog and others like Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and When Mothers Cry 

Thursday, January 17, 2019

When the Abuser, Victim Denies the Abuse, Toxic Relationship

5 Reasons Why Grandchildren Don’t Come Around as Much

Some grandparents feel good when they see their family members, while others not so much.   Adult sons, daughters and children have their lives and sometimes those lives are purposely isolated for good reason or not-so good ones.  Consider what has recently occurred to cause sons and daughters and their families to not call or come around.  What life changes might they be experiencing?  Have you bothered to discuss what you are feeling lately about their distance?

1.  The parents are having difficulties and they don’t want your grandchildren to spill the beans.
Arguments, physical fights, silent treatment, and other issues that couples face with one another are not ignored by watchful children.  They listen to the disputes and if bothered by them, will not hesitate to share what they know with relatives.  A couple who wants their battles to remain private will be less likely to drop children off with grandparents.

2.  Schedules have become busier and there just isn’t time or possibly patience to visit.
Unfortunately to visit with some grandparents can be overwhelming especially when they have personality issues and are demanding expecting sons, daughters and grandchildren to assist with numerous tasks while visiting.  Some grandparents hope that relatives will stay all day at their residences.  A busy family with a busy life has little time for long visits and even less patience to deal with moody relatives, so they reason it’s just easier to avoid them.

3.  The grandparents have not shown a genuine interest in their sons and daughters’ families.
There are those grandparents who just don’t want to be bothered or reminded of how excitable children can be.  They also don’t want to deal with the burden that comes with caring for them.  This is why some grandparents make a point to leave the home, busy their selves, and do other things so that they don’t have to baby-sit grandchildren.

4.  Some grandparents are often critical, bossy, or nosy.
Negative comments about what one looks like, demanding that visitors help with household chores, and asking too many personal questions will create a tensed atmosphere.  When this happens, unruly children can be challenging to manage.  Therefore, to save a parent any additional headaches from both difficult grandparents and hyper children, they rather just stay home.

5.  Unchecked health ailments have pushed sons and daughters’ away rather than draw the family near.
Stressed adult sons and daughters and grandchildren are incapable of dealing with the emotions that come when a grandparent is ill or dying.  When this happens, they tend to become distant.  If you should notice these behaviors happening in your own family, this is no cause for alarm.  Rather than respond angrily, make snide remarks to your relatives’ faces or behind their backs, or attempt to make sons and daughters feel guilty about not coming around as much, live your life.  If you believe in a Creator, pray for them.  

You never know what life challenges they are trying to manage personally and professionally.  When they are ready to visit, you just might be pleasantly surprised. 

Nicholl McGuire is an author and inspirational speaker and this blog owner.

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