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Monday, December 31, 2018

New Year: New Look at Family - How Important are They Really to You?

How important really is family to you?  Now how important is the following:  marriage, job, education, retirement, housing, and more?  The real test of your love, loyalty and personal truth about family is when it is tested by all those other things that challenge your family. 

I learned over the years that everyone or everything else becomes more important when you are no longer in like or love with select family members or your family as a whole.  It's not right or wrong it just is.  We can' thrive anywhere with anyone without LOVE!  What you thought would never be more important than family becomes that when people show they no longer appreciate or love you.  You realize that without family support, traditions die.  You may be the only person cheering for family while others are deeply wounded by you or others.

Take a look at who you are mentally, physically and spiritually with or without family.  Does your world center around them?  If so, you will find yourself broken when they cannot return the favors you so generously gave them when you need them most.  Do you claim to love family so much that you are steering the entire ship without any input from those who are riding on it?  If so, you are controlling--you have a huge ego that needs to be cut down to size.  No wonder there are family challenges you might be overlooking.  However, there are those things that occur with family that are beyond our control.

Someone stops building/working/dreaming; therefore we can no longer proceed as a whole family.  We work with who is willing to maintain family going forward.  Sometimes it's just us for a season or a lifetime.  There are relatives who prefer to abuse and use others, rather than be kind and respectful.  Do we stay, tough it out and continue to experience abuse?  Of course, not.  However, for the sake of "family" some will go through much anyway.  Those who chose abuse placed generations under bondage too--choose wisely!

Listen to what you hear coming out of your family members' mouths, at times you may hear a bit of prophecy, a forecast, of what might be ahead for the family.  Would you be so bold as to ask them, "How am I doing?  Am I meeting your needs?  Do I allow you to be yourself, make decisions...Do you believe I love you?  What might you see in the future concerning our family?"  Some people who would dare ask these questions might be pleasantly surprised by the feedback or shocked. 

As the new year reveals truths about the future concerning our relatives and family friends--those good as well as evil, let us be conscious of the significance of quality family members who are currently in our lives.  Don't throw the baby out with the bath water this year!  Prepare yourself for major life storms from financial loss to death.  Most of all, remember you have a Creator who loves you more than you know!  Happy New Year!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.

Children Burnt Out with Holiday Events

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Victims of Abusive Fathers

At the time we were devalued was right around the time that we grew independently mentally and physically.  We started asking to go places like sporting events, the mall and other “cool” places and the answer was usually “No.”  We talked about the things we would like to do once we became older and the response, “You really want to do that?”  Followed by a criticism of what we were incapable of doing.  We blamed ourselves for the way they treated us verbally and/or physically when it was really about the abusers deficiencies and shortcomings.

They refused to see that they weren’t genuinely nice people and really could care less about our emotions.  They sought the benefits of our budding bodies.  For some abusive fathers it was sexual, but for others it was a need for a secretary, caretaker, landscaper, maid, or some other role that helped them meet their needs.

Faulty and negative feedback about things like:  your ambitions, friendships, work ethic or lack thereof was meant to control us.  We fought against the harsh criticisms whether verbally or nonverbally because we knew they were unfair, yet at the same time they kept us dependent and needy--the words felt like they were true even when they weren’t.  

Controlling people keep us from being true to ourselves and don’t support us having healthy relationships as we transition from childhood into adulthood.  To become independent, means that they lose their “helper,” “favorite,” “sweetheart,” or some other golden description to keep us under thumb.  Rather than respond to our lifestyle changes and choices in a healthy functional way, they grow increasingly distant emotionally, but increasingly demanding physically.  They expect more from you and will isolate you from others while gaslighting you during communication about your experiences with them.  They “never” or they “couldn’t of…” or “I don’t know what you are talking about I didn’t do…”

We either learn to speak positively about ourselves and establish boundaries when we recognize that what abusive fathers say or do is unhealthy or we go along with their programming to save ourselves any further physical punishment as a result of lashing back.  If we are lucky to get away, we do, but usually right into the arms of someone like our abusive fathers.  It is familiar ground with emotionally and physically abusive partners that we find ourselves fighting emotionally and physically to survive until we grow independent again.  

Focusing on the future and getting away from abusive dads is what keeps many victims sane--of course when there is a strong desire to move on and away from the abuser.  However, when there is not healthy self-talk the victim succumbs to the abusers toxic tactics to keep him or her under control.

Nicholl McGuire It's All in the Family Blog Owner and the author of Say Goodbye to Dad

Monday, December 3, 2018

Family Holiday Drama - The Planning, The Ingrates and The Regrets

It happens every year, someone is upset about what took place at the last holiday event.  He or she will either vow to get even or show up wearing a fake smile while holding in feelings of resentment, jealousy, anger, or other negative emotions.

Much of the drama centers around individuals who simply refuse to behave.  The host spends many hours and much money planning for the ingrates who show up while later having his or her regrets for even getting the family together in the first place.

What most people can do to stay out of the family drama is keep quiet on the controversial topics and avoid the statements that are supposed to be out of fun or love.  Think of family get-togethers like professional social mixes, you wouldn't say whatever you want at those functions for fear that you might lose your job, so why do it at a family holiday event that might cost you your relationship with favorite relatives?

When we think of family holiday events, we often think of the holiday cheer that we see on television screens.  Of course, we would like that too, but oftentimes that's not what we get.  Instead, we notice the ungrateful child or adult in the group sighing about something he or she did or didn't get.  Those who complain a lot about everything from how much something costs to how much gift-wrapping paper is on the floor tend to add to holiday challenges with their negativity.  The holidays isn't all merry and bright as one might think when troubled people show up to trouble others.

This is why choosing carefully who you and your family might spend the holidays with is crucial.  Bad memories don't go away easily when celebrating supposedly good times with bad kinfolk.  Family don't always forgive and forget and when an offense occurs, intimate relationships and generations are impacted!

When you are the host you must think twice who you might invite to your holiday celebrations.  Many objections coming from relatives regarding certain unfavorable family members is cause for concern, take heed.  You don't want to participate in anything you may later regret.

Have a wonderful holiday season free f the family drama!

Nicholl McGuire
Blog Owner of It's All in the Family and Author of When Mothers Cry


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