Victims of Abusive Fathers

At the time we were devalued was right around the time that we grew independently mentally and physically.  We started asking to go places like sporting events, the mall and other “cool” places and the answer was usually “No.”  We talked about the things we would like to do once we became older and the response, “You really want to do that?”  Followed by a criticism of what we were incapable of doing.  We blamed ourselves for the way they treated us verbally and/or physically when it was really about the abusers deficiencies and shortcomings.

They refused to see that they weren’t genuinely nice people and really could care less about our emotions.  They sought the benefits of our budding bodies.  For some abusive fathers it was sexual, but for others it was a need for a secretary, caretaker, landscaper, maid, or some other role that helped them meet their needs.

Faulty and negative feedback about things like:  your ambitions, friendships, work ethic or lack thereof was meant to control us.  We fought against the harsh criticisms whether verbally or nonverbally because we knew they were unfair, yet at the same time they kept us dependent and needy--the words felt like they were true even when they weren’t.  

Controlling people keep us from being true to ourselves and don’t support us having healthy relationships as we transition from childhood into adulthood.  To become independent, means that they lose their “helper,” “favorite,” “sweetheart,” or some other golden description to keep us under thumb.  Rather than respond to our lifestyle changes and choices in a healthy functional way, they grow increasingly distant emotionally, but increasingly demanding physically.  They expect more from you and will isolate you from others while gaslighting you during communication about your experiences with them.  They “never” or they “couldn’t of…” or “I don’t know what you are talking about I didn’t do…”

We either learn to speak positively about ourselves and establish boundaries when we recognize that what abusive fathers say or do is unhealthy or we go along with their programming to save ourselves any further physical punishment as a result of lashing back.  If we are lucky to get away, we do, but usually right into the arms of someone like our abusive fathers.  It is familiar ground with emotionally and physically abusive partners that we find ourselves fighting emotionally and physically to survive until we grow independent again.  

Focusing on the future and getting away from abusive dads is what keeps many victims sane--of course when there is a strong desire to move on and away from the abuser.  However, when there is not healthy self-talk the victim succumbs to the abusers toxic tactics to keep him or her under control.

Nicholl McGuire It's All in the Family Blog Owner and the author of Say Goodbye to Dad