When They Show Up - guests, visitors, family

On Bringing Family Members to Your Home When Relationship is in Trouble

Why do some couples do it, allow relatives to visit their homes when they know they don't see eye-to-eye on most things including people who don't like one or both of them? 

Sometimes a personal situation will occur where one person either has to care for a relative temporarily or chooses to bring a relative to one's home for a short or long term stay.  Meanwhile a partner might not be in agreement for a number of reasons such as: negative past experiences, inconvenience, personal health issues, relationship challenges, trouble-making statements/behavior, and more. 

Whatever the issue that stirs one to want to bring family for a visit, the point is, if things aren't right at home why cause more unnecessary turmoil for the relationship or cause discomfort for your visiting relatives by bringing them into an already stressed setting?

One.  Don't invite trouble-makers with a history that isn't in support of your relationship.

You are asking for problems when you let someone come into your home that has made it clear he or she doesn't like you or your mate's past or present actions.  Notice this person's behavior.  Has he or she sincerely acted any different over the years?  Parents who act in this way assume that all is forgotten if they stand to gain something from the visit like: being tended to, playing with grandchildren, receiving monies, etc.  However, bad experiences usually aren't forgotten by those who had to endure back-handed comments, mean-spirited facial expressions, bad-mouthing, and the like.  Keep in mind, there just might be that moment during the visit where the past will come back up again and are you prepared to take sides?

Two.  State your concerns to your mate.

You might be in a relationship with someone who is understanding, but then again maybe not.  Whoever you are with, communicate the pros and cons of the potential visit.  Far too often, family members will deceive one another into thinking that all is well when in fact there is some hidden resentment, jealousy, and unresolved past issues they are coping with.  Permitting someone to come to your home because you think all is well is simply not enough and remember you might have a bias view if this person is your relative or friend planning to visit.  Listen to your mate.  Say and do the kinds of things that will bring your partner peace of mind or simply cancel plans if you detect that there is going to be trouble.

Three.  Avoid the temptation to lie or sugar-coat your feelings about certain relatives.

Pretending, lying, or exaggerating is not going to help matters.  A partner who thinks that bringing a relative into the home is beneficial while you disagree, needs to know the truth.  Sooner or later, your true colors will show up and it is then that you or your significant will be considered the bad guy or gal.

Four.  Make plans to go out of town, work longer hours, visit friends, and do other things in an effort to keep intense moments to a minimum.

Let's just say, things aren't a bad as they appear to be, if so, then figure out what you are going to do with your time so that you aren't caught having to watch, care for, or entertain a loved one.  However, the likelihood of you helping at some point or another will occur as long as the person is living in the home.

As much as we would like to think that the past is just what it is and all old offenses are long forgotten, the truth is that bad times have a way of lingering especially with those not-so favorite relatives.  Be honest with your partner and do what you must to keep trouble out of your home.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

How to Handle House Guests That Stay Too Long

Some people just love your home, your children, you and whatever else that you have; therefore, they will invite themselves over and don't bother to go home--uh oh!  Read these noteworthy tips:  How to Handle House Guests That Stay Too Long

How to Get Rid of a House Guest: Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Relatives & Friends

Whether it is your new boyfriend who doesn’t know when to go home or your friend with roommate problems, this person is invading your space! What can you do to rid yourself of a house guest you no longer want?

First, if you haven’t already gave them some warning signs that they either haven’t picked up on or simply ignored now would be a good time to give them an advance notice that they have overstayed their welcome. Depending on your relationship with this person, you will have to make a decision on how forward you want to be. If it is a boyfriend that you are really in love with, you will want to say something like, “I love your company, but I’m not ready for you to move in yet.” He or she may be offended but remind them that at no point did you both discuss that you would start living together. Then again, they may not be upset ad will say that they aren’t interested in moving together either. This will be a good way of telling them about how you have been feeling lately about their staying over your home so much. Expect them to read more into what you are saying such as “Oh this means we are breaking up or he is seeing someone else.” Although you aren’t doing any of these things he or she will think what they want, so be sure to prepare a rebuttal that will put them at ease such as “In no way am I breaking up with you, I love you. I just want you to know that I have worked very hard to live alone at this time in my life and it’s just my preference.” You don’t have to give them any more information about your reason if they care about your needs they will accept it. However, if you don’t make them feel secure in the relationship then they will blow everything out of proportion.

Next, for other houseguests like relatives and friends, you will need to talk about the expenses you are paying by yourself. No one likes to talk about money, and it turns people off. This is what you want to do, so that they understand that you are expecting a contribution at least until they find a job or their own place. Even if they can’t afford money to help, you will still have to make it clear to them that they will have to go somewhere else and you do accept I.O.U.S. Don’t worry about their argument of “where do I go?” Someone will take them in even though they will tell you they have nowhere else to go, depending on how long they have been living with you they most likely have been in contact with someone who would pity them enough to let him or her stay with them.

Another way to drive your point home is to pack their stuff in a nice luggage bag, box or something else. You will let them know in advance that is what you will be doing within a certain timeframe if they haven’t made an attempt to move out. When you do this, always remember to change the locks and let those who know that he or she was living with you that you have put them out, so that they will not share a key or be let in by the doorman, etc.

You will also want to try and reason with them such as offering to help them find a place if they do something for you. Let’s say he or she is able to help with your apartment decorating, babysit your children, or do some other favor for you, you can utilize their help while researching for a job or place for them to stay. Be sure that you both have agreed on a set date when they are to move out.

Houseguests are staying in your home because you have made it comfortable for them to stay. You may buy things like groceries, cigarettes for them, beer, favorite snacks, etc. You may also have cable television, a gaming system, a comfy bed, or some other amenities that they enjoy. You will need to start cutting things off for awhile until they are gone. Even if it means that you have to take the television and store it somewhere out of the home. Whatever it takes to make their stay uncomfortable do it!

Consider having someone to help you move them out. Sometimes houseguests don’t move because the host isn’t forceful enough. This would be a good time to call on that family member or friend who doesn’t care about his or her feelings to intercede on your behalf. He or she will be more than happy to assist and you can always put some of the blame on them if you want to take some of the heat off of you. “Well you know how my sister can be about me…my brother always looks out for me so to him he felt you were taking advantage of me.”

Now some houseguests may not respond to hints, direct statements, or threats, when they continue to come over unannounced, you can change your schedule so that you aren’t there to let them in your home. You can suddenly create a social life that keeps you busy. The local coffee shop can be a new hang out for you, library, walk the stores before you come home, work late, etc. When you are out more, they may take the hint that you are busier these days. When you aren’t around to keep them company they may decide to stop coming around. If you want your boyfriend or girlfriend to get the message you still love them you just don’t want them living with you then, make an effort to go out of your way to see them at their home or call them when you are free and arrange your dates away from your home. This way you are sending a message that moving in together is not what you want at this time. You can also put your clothes on after lovemaking and escort them to the door with a kiss or pick them up, bring them to your home, and then after the date drive them home. This way you are in full control.

Lastly, so that you don’t run into this problem again in the future, you will definitely have to remember not to make a habit of bringing your guests home. Your houseguest became well acquainted with your place because you allowed them “to make themselves at home” and that’s just what they did. Instead of having your intimate moments with them at your place, go to theirs as mentioned before or go to a hotel once or twice a month. Rather than watching movies at home, go to the movies or watch them together with friends at someone else’s home. The reason why many relationships grow stale quickly is because couples don’t know how to balance their time. They spend so much of it at one another’s homes that they never consider at some point they will want to have some time at home by themselves. The reason why relatives and friends overstay their welcome is because you didn’t know how to turn off your hospitality. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone, “I am ready to go to bed, thanks for stopping by” and then show them to the door.