Saturday, May 28, 2011

What to do about the other woman

You know she exists and you know you aren’t ready to walk out of your relationship or marriage, so how do you cope mentally and physically until you have enough wisdom, courage, and faith to pack up your things and the children and move?

Get a life

Now some women will interpret that to mean, “Oh that means get a boyfriend for myself, hang out with the girls, and do everything that he is doing to me,” that is not what this advice suggests. Rather, find your purpose, your sense of self worth. Evaluate your skills, find out what you can do to better yourself, and work toward your goals. Let’s say that you want to change careers, want to relocate, take up a new hobby or start a business, why not? If you can discipline yourself to save money to get the things you want, this would be the best time to do it while you still have his help with the bills. When you are busy, you won’t be as focused on what he is doing.

Protect yourself

Avoid sleeping with him without protection. Although you may have done it in the past, start using a feminine condom. If you don’t want to use it, then ask him to use a condom and you put it on. You don’t want to take any more chances with your life.

Keep your children out of it

They may have already told you a few things about who daddy was talking to on the phone and where he went. Try not to be tempted to interrogate the children about your partner. If there is something they want to share with you, let them. But don’t make it a point to get them involved with adult business. There will come a point in a conversation with your children that you may become so upset with the information you find out that you may inadvertently lash out at them. Why shoot the messenger?

Keep your family and friends out of it

You know that whatever you tell them they will most likely have your back. They will tell you all sorts of things to do usually the kind of things that would put your freedom in jeopardy. So if you don’t want to get all riled up, leave the pep club out of it.

Sometimes women will pay friends and private investigators to follow their partners to confirm some things they suspect. They could save themselves a lot of money simply by paying attention to their gut feeling, watching his mannerisms and those around him, checking his cell phone and emails, receipts, bills, and what he is telling them. There are also other ways such as popping up unexpectedly at places he says he will be present in order to catch him in white lies.

Talk with a professional

Someone who has experience dealing with matters such as yours is a great person to vent to about your troubles. He or she can provide you with the wisdom to get out of your situation. If you can’t afford a private counselor, then look to your local church for assistance.

Create a plan

You know that you don’t want to be in this kind of relationship with your mate forever, so you should be creating a plan to get yourself out of this mess while being in it. Of course, it hurts when you thought that there was still a chance for you two to work on your relationship drama then later you discover that he is working on a relationship with someone else. But you can’t make him change his mind, quit seeing her (or them,) he has to make up his own mind to stop what he is doing. The biggest mistake women make in situations like this is expect that he will listen to what you say, like you are his mother, and stop doing what he is doing. Most often, cheaters will say whatever you want to hear, but all the while they will keep on working late, visiting imaginary friends, bring gifts home to deter you from asking questions, turn off cell phones, hide bills, and lie about their whereabouts. The other woman is not going anywhere anytime soon and he won’t be ridding herself of her if he has something to gain out of the relationship.

Don’t be competitive

You may know what she looks like, what kind of car she is driving, even where she lives and you may want to approach her, if you haven’t already, and tell her how you feel. Why, put yourself out there? This isn’t a competition of who is the prettiest, smartest, richest, etc. She most likely began this relationship with your partner just as you did, and just like he lied to you he lied to her. You both are in the same boat she doesn’t have him 100% emotionally or physically and neither do you. She waits by the phone thinking that he will do what he says like you do, and very often he disappoints the both of you. Neither of you are in a good position in your relationship to go around bragging about what a good man you have when he is playing both of you. The best thing for you to do in this situation is be yourself-- a strong, determined woman who will do what she can to make the best out of her situation until she is ready to leave! Avoid contact with this woman and if she shows up on your property, harasses, stalks or threatens you, contact the police.

Be open for relationship counseling

Despite the current circumstances, there may still be hope for your relationship. Who knows maybe he wants to stop sneaking around, but doesn’t know how to stop? Talk to him about what has been bothering him lately. Sometimes men go through changes in their life that they don’t even understand. Listen and be polite. Suggest he visit a doctor and mention relationship counseling as well and see how he feels about it. He will have to be willing to work on the relationship with you and for the best interest of the children (if there is any.) If he makes excuses at first, don’t push it, wait a week or so and bring it back up again. If he becomes increasingly angry and argumentative about it, don’t mention it again. You will have to make a choice either to stay in the relationship and be miserable or break free.

In conclusion, being in a relationship with a cheater is a very upsetting place to be, but when you aren’t ready to leave, you will have to do what you can to maintain your temperament until you figure out what you are going to do. Years ago, when women were expected to stay at home with children while their spouses worked, they were often told to stay in toxic relationships for the sake of money, a place to stay, and/or children, but times have changed. You don’t have to endure any kind of abuse; you can do badly all by yourself! So seek the help you need for your own personal well-being!

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Over 20 years office work experience, six years completed college coursework, background in print media and communications, recognized for exceptional attendance and received merit increase for past job performance, self-published author and part-time entrepreneur, Internet marketing and social media experience. Interned for non-profit organization, women's group and community service business. Additional experience: teaching/training others, customer service and sales. Learn more at Nicholl McGuire and Nicholl McGuire Media

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