What's Right About Family Members, What's Wrong

When it comes to thinking about what's right about family, words come to mind like: love, patience, peace, money, fun, and laughter.  When I think of what is wrong when it comes to family, I see words like: pain, discovery, hope, help, anger, abuse, rage, sadness, and regret.


So much time wasted over the years with strange people who liked the sound of saying things like, "I love you...I will help you...Don't worry...Be good..." yet failed miserably at being good examples (of course some, not all).  I think of those who meant well, but had far too many demons in their closets to help anyone much less themselves.


I have been hopeful over the years that the sick, confused, and blind family members will be made well.  I have wished that widows would find love again and broken-hearted mothers would do other things with their lives besides provoke their children to anger with all their unreasonable requests.


Family just doesn't mean the same for all people.  Those that I have witnessed who truly loved their families took the bitter with the sweet and worked together so that all in their circle could live reasonably well.  However, those who claimed to love their families didn't do anything more than to make bad situations worse with all their lies, exaggerations, gas lighting, fighting, and more.  Then these same individuals would act as if nothing they did was ever wrong!


I think when you have a great set of relatives, you should appreciate them.  Show them just how much you care and offer service every now and again.  But when you have toxic relatives, you should go no contact, and find a new family.  Adopt parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, and others who can show you love and enjoy your presence.  I personally believe there is a Creator who allows such things to happen.  New people are welcomed into lives while old people are pushed out.  I hope for nothing but the best for those of you who honestly desire healthy relationships and that you will sincerely find what you have been looking for before you close your eyes forever.


Nicholl McGuire

Why Obligate Yourself to Things You Really Don't Want to Do?

The great thing about reaching mature adulthood is finally coming to a period in your life when you are finally living for you!  Of course, there are responsibilities, obligations, and other things that come up, but you can pick what you are capable of handling and what you can't put up with.  You always have the option to say "no" to what other people feel you should do and say regarding a situation that may or may not involve your assistance.  But what happens is far too often, people put themselves in tough spots because they have yet to realize what truly standing up for yourself and others really means.  Instead, they are manipulated or forced into doing things or cordially charmed into making others feel good inside while they suffer.


I think of the many people, both young and old, spiritual and nonspiritual, rich and poor, who are emotionally, physically and spiritually in bondage with others because they simply can't say things like, "No, I will not be attending the event...Sorry I can't help with that...I will not be paying for yet another thing...I just don't have the time and patience...Could you find someone else to do it?"  These Rush to Say Yes people, who are more concerned about their reputations, how someone or a group feels, or the consequences if they should say no, are typically the ones who blame others for things they have gotten themselves into.  When you know you can't handle something, why subject yourself to it in the first place?


Relationships, friendships and more have been negatively impacted by weak-minded individuals who have said yes for far too long to family, friends, bosses, church leaders, and others without giving a thought to things like: how their "yes" or "maybe" might inconvenience others, what they might have to do/sacrifice and for how long, and whether they will still have a good relationship/friendship when it is all over.


Over the years, I recall hearing in church as well as from a couple of relatives, let your yes be yes and your no be no.  When you can't do something, get out of it quickly.  Don't turn your household upside down or get angry with people because you thought you could do something, but now you can't.  Most often, individuals will understand when you choose not to attend their events, help with tasks, and do other things as long as you let them know early on.  The truth is, they really didn't want to do some of what they were asking you to do; therefore, they seek someone who will make their lives easier.  Think about that for a moment.  Is your life easy right now?  Can you benefit out of what this person or group might be asking you to do?  Is the so-called benefits worth it? 
Find freedom in doing the things you truly want to do and not because other people have obligated you to what they want.  If you feel controlled in a relationship, please do stop by: http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com

Signs of Mental Illness in Older Children -- Arleen Fitzgerald -- UHC TV

Signs of Mental Illness in Older Children -- Arleen Fitzgerald -- UHC TV

548 How to deal with your Toxic Emotional Relationships, the Crazy Families

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Do You Have Any Normal Relatives?

I pondered this thought when I kept seeing dysfunction show up with some of my relatives while I wished to be around those I considered normal--no obvious mental handicaps, no crazy mannerisms, no loud talking, or angering others.  From the time I was a child, I recognized there was just something wrong with many family members.  I thought it quite strange that no one seemed to notice or said anything and acted as if what these people would say or do was okay.  Some were blatantly over-the-top about everything, reactive, all-too-ready to fight about whatever whenever, and it was excused.

I recalled an uncle who would often beat up his girlfriends, but always had a seat at the family table.  Then there was another uncle that would often be loud-mouthed and disrespectful to his mother and he got the pass.  I can't tell you how many relatives were intoxicated, cursing, and just downright stupid especially at family events.  "What was up with these people?" I thought.  Problems in the family, behind closed doors, weren't self-contained either, they would show up in courtrooms, on neighbors doorsteps, and elsewhere.  Someone always needed something from another relative and if he or she didn't deliver there was hell to pay!  Being a child, all I could do was watch.  There was no asking questions or commenting about "grown folks business."  I heard, "Stay in a child's place, mind your business!"

I seriously can say that "normalcy" is not a word I could ever use with some relatives and their households.  When you are in the middle of a circle with crazy people orbiting you like the sun, it can be all so draining!  You often feel alone as if you have no one to talk to because mental illness runs wild.  I would love to say that I grew up around certain family members and life was pretty normal, but it wasn't, I know that now more than ever before.  Their brainwashing has long worn off!  It took years to shake off some wicked programming and even more to stop thinking negative things. 

When you are around dysfunctional people long enough, you will find yourself thinking and behaving in ways that look more like them and less like you.  This is why I will be the first to support any one who decides they want to go No Contact with some relatives.  Going no contact means freedom from arguments, crazy and toxic relatives, and you don't have to worry about who lied, cried, died, etc.  You are also no longer concerned about someone getting murdered or jailed.  You stop caring and are free to live your life!  I realize what God means when he says, "Turn your burdens over to me and I will give you rest."

When you are a child, you have no choice, but to deal with what appears to be normal folks in your family.  But when you get out of your small town and small-minded thinking, you are opened up to a world where things you thought were normal growing up isn't and if you aren't careful you might fall into a trap of additional craziness! 

Some of you recall the day when you discovered that certain people were not what relatives said they were, when what your family called tradition really wasn't, what a relative said or did to you was evil, etc.  It is quite liberating when you are no longer under what someone's false definition of normal is.  So I pray that those of you who seek healthy relationships, a quiet life, and much blessing, get what you have been craving now and forever!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

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On Family History: When Titles Don't Make Relatives Right, Truth Does

If you should take a moment to argue with a self-righteous family member about what you deem to be right about family history and it is proven wrong, this relative might act very prideful while reminding you of his or her title, whatever that might be in your life, while advising you about your education, who you think you know, or skill level in a certain area.  But if you were to be right about a person or event in family history, this same prideful relative might attempt to downplay what you have said, discredit you, and act very jealous.  He or she might do any of the following: fault-find, play ignorant, ignore facts, act judgmental, etc.  Keep in mind, a title doesn't make a relative or guardian right, but the truth does!


When you are awakened to the shoddy foundation of a family unit and see that what has been passed down for years from patriarchs and matriarchs is incorrect, it is natural to want to point out flaws in the family's thoughts, traditions, stories, and more.  However, those that enjoy believing the lies, desire to keep secrets, refuse to be wrong, and may have issue with you and your family, will argue, defend, back-bite, leave people out of wills, or even physically fight about the facts.


No contact is always the best way to go when you can't seem to speak any truth to relatives who rather insult, argue, and threaten you.  No one should have to deal with toxic people who believe they are often right, when they are usually often wrong.  Establish your boundaries, create new view points, share facts with those who care, and don't give place to the enemy by losing your cool!


Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7. 

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What to Do About Moody Relatives with an Ax to Grind Whether You Know It or Not

There are just some relatives that will not show any love no matter what time of year it is.  From Valentine's Day to Christmas, the family issues will continue to mount and some will say nothing until one day they just explode.  A small event triggers a major one and before long everyone is angry, sad or ready to fight.

Moody relatives, who have much negativity to say about relatives and friends, are to be avoided if you want to keep the peace in your own family.  You don't want to spend too much time being around them especially when you know they have their share of relationship challenges, difficult children, and personal misery.  Many relatives and friends set themselves up by trying to uplift some people that have a long history of saying and doing toxic things to others.  If you must connect with these people, do it after the holiday(s).

There are some people who wait for good times to spill the beans about this issue and that one.  They have an ax to grind with someone and so they seek an unsuspecting relative or friend to help sharpen it.  These people, who so readily believe whatever they hear, get cut in the process.  It is always better to stay out of others' quarrels.  But if you must be involved in a family dispute, before you jump in, choose to advise, or be there for someone who might be the scapegoat or black sheep in the family, do the following:

1.  Find out more about why this person is so upset.  Look at both sides, not just the complaining person's point of view.
2.  Don't badmouth relatives and friends to the hurt individual, because if he or she should one day befriend the enemy, your conversation just might come back up.
3.  Don't offer to lie, cover-up, or validate anything he or she says.  Listen without judgment.
4.  Share what you know with others only if the person confiding in you wants you to.  This might occur if he or she wants you to talk to someone for him or her.  However, be cautious doing this because the person who might be on no contact could turn on you for passing information to him or her.
5.  Avoid the shame, guilt, and other emotions that could make you feel obligated to helping this person.  Advise only if he or she is willing to listen to you.
6.  If you find that the family issue is affecting other areas of your life, distance yourself.  Don't be so available to take phone calls, visit homes, and perform service for the quarrelsome relatives or friends.

Not everyone is able to help moody relatives or family friends who just can't seem to get along with people.  When efforts at peace have failed and the person rather keep issues going, don't get involved with the individual or those who encourage the family fighting.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.