When Relatives Don't Listen and the Advisers Who Care About Them

As much as we want our loved ones to do what's right, especially when it comes to caring for themselves and others, some will refuse correction and attempt to discredit us because they don't want to do what's right.


I have watched rebellious relatives look for fault in myself and others because they knew what we said was honest and wise, but didn't want to change bad habits, toxic thoughts, or exercise self-control when dealing with others. 


Anyone who comes to a family function and chooses to share details about one's personal life with others, is setting themselves up for advice whether he or she wants to listen or not.  This is why many mature individuals don't have much to say about their feelings, personal habits, and more, because they know that if they aren't willing to change, there is nothing anyone can say to them that will make them want to do anything different.  They are not interested in debates, defending themselves, prefer not to experience the uncomfortable feelings that come along with being told what to do.  So they sit, observe, don't say much, and may even reflect on the dumb things they did in life, but one will never know. 


Some parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts just won't sit idly by and let young ones live and let live, they will say and do what they can to assist them.  However, this isn't typical behavior from elders, most rather let know-it-all and rebellious types fall on their faces first, then learn from lessons, before offering to pick them up.


Those familiar with biblical scripture know that pride does come before a fall.  When a wise one is witnessing a relative, who is standing on his or her soapbox preaching, boasting, or attempting to advise others while still dealing with issues themselves, notice he or she says nothing.  Why quarrel with someone who believes that he or she is doing everything right in his or her life?


Family gatherings can bring out the worst or the best in people depending on how stable or unstable in their minds they are.  Some family members wrestle with unresolved issues of the past that stem from things like: rejection, resentment, lies, abuse, and more, so they might not speak well of self and others.  Most often, their intent is to be on their best behavior, but sometimes internal and external disputes cause them to speak what's on their mind to anyone willing to listen.


When you find yourself struggling with those loved ones, who really aren't interested in being advised and more concerned with voicing their issues, if you have a faith, pray for them.  But whatever you do, don't allow their issues to affect your personal life--you have come too far to turn back now!


Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.   

The Family Members Who Don't Like to Do Much of Anything

There is always one or a few in the family that if a task doesn't have money connected with it, they aren't helping, serving, volunteering, or complimenting.  These people can be difficult people to be around especially when they are lazy, stingy, avarice, or argumentative.  But as much as we may not like these people, they are family and we have a choice, we don't have to be around them either!




When I first noticed the laziness in some relatives, I was about six years old.  I recalled watching an uncle who was only a few feet away from the kitchen tell another relative to carry his dirty glass and plate into the kitchen.  I didn't like him for that and later in life I still didn't like him when he repeatedly asked others, while sitting on his behind, including myself, to do more of the same--be his servant.  I refused.  He was able-bodied, there was nothing wrong with helping himself. 




There were other family members like that lazy uncle, men, who sat in front of TV screens next to girlfriends or wives for hours, and they would rarely buy a gift, offer assistance and sometimes added no value to any conversation others were having.  Those male relatives who did pitch in to help the women in the kitchen was distracted or talked into joining the other men in the living-room area and some would quite boldly say, "You don't need to help the women, come in here with us."




These family members, who don't bother to do much of anything--not even entertain children, tend to eat the most, complain more than others, and talk too much.  They are also the ones who want to be treated with respect, but don't act very respectfully to others.  Over the years, the family gatherings declined and those who use to host have said, "I am so glad I don't do that anymore...I hated it when people didn't bother to help. The food was costly to buy and time-consuming to make, so glad I don't have to feed a bunch of lazy You Know Whats!"




Some of these same lazy relatives were also the ones who didn't stay employed for long, didn't get married or did but later separated or were divorced, and they were also the ones who had many health issues, because they didn't bother to get checked out.




As I look back over those times of being with fun, wild, lazy, and crazy relatives, I realize that good times didn't last very long.  As I grew up, it also became harder to deal with some of those family members too without becoming easily frustrated and irritated with the things they would say and do.  Unfortunately, many have since died. 




If there is anything I would say to those, who are working hard to make a family gathering pleasing, relax, no matter what you do, leopards don't change their spots.  If you don't have to invite some, don't.  (I have no regrets not seeing some of those trouble-makers once I became an adult). 




Get the most out of the good memories with those you sincerely enjoy being around, because life is indeed too short!




Nicholl McGuire also maintains the following blog:

Workplace Problems, Solutions, Raves & Rants -- Need a Career Change?: Looking for Extra Income?

Funny Family Conversations - Talking to Family During the Holidays

The Ugly Reality of Dating an Older, Married Partner with Low T, Hormonal Issues

Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: The Ugly Reality of Dating an Older Partner with L...: He isn’t going to tell you that his body was part responsible for ending his last relationship with someone who was close to his age. Inste...

Problems - You Know What to Do But You Don't Do It

Crying on a loved ones shoulder, calling people up to help you, reading articles, and commenting on YouTube videos, and yet you still are in the mess that you are in!  Some people have warned that if you keep doing what you are doing, things will only get worse.  Others have turned a deaf ear to you and no longer want to hear about your problems. 


You spend much time thinking about how to solve a problem or many, but what might be one of your biggest frustrations is not having the will to implement what you have learned.  At first you are delighted with the suggestions and feel empowered with all the knowledge, but a day or two later you fight with what you are not doing and what you should do.  The side of your brain that convinces you not to do something because it is new, different, cost money, and you don't know how others might respond, seems to always win.


Here is yet another bit of advice to help with defeating this hesitation within to avoid solving your issues.


1.  Reflect back on how you got in the mess that you are currently in and what could you have done differently.  What is in your power now to make some changes?  Back when issues first started, you may have had limitations and felt the need to rely on someone or something, is there still that same need or can you do some things on your own?  If so, then start working toward doing them independently without calling a relative or friend to validate everything you are or aren't doing.


2.  Forget what someone or the group told you to hinder progress.  "What if" statements and "You should" phrases with selfish motives will only keep you doing what you don't want to do.  For instance, a man makes an announcement that he no longer wants to keep working a certain position in the church and he really feels led by God to do something different.  If he is determined, no amount of persuasion or enticements is going to keep him where he knows he is no longer called to be.  He recognizes that his time of service in a certain position has a limit.  Do you know when you should step down, move out, relocate, or start something new?  If you are a believer, have you been taking the time to pray and meditate on holy scriptures or have you been doing your own thing lately?  Spend 20 minutes a day focused on your prayer life and receiving a word from your Creator while you take baby steps to get things done you know you should. 


3.  Notice the signs around you that warn you about your life.  Just as there are road signs that tell us not to turn, to yield, to stop, and more, what are your life warning signs telling you these days?  Is it health issues every time you eat a certain thing?  Is there a desire to learn something that you keep putting off?  Are there people around you that are trying to help, but you keep telling them, "I can do it...I will be okay."  Sometimes people looking on the outside in, know more about our situations when it comes to self, love, work, and play, then we do.  When do you stop making excuses and get to work on you while removing bad habits that are hindering progress?


4.  Create your to-do list and post it somewhere so that you can see it everyday.  If there is a project, item, or something else that needs to come out of a closet, garage, attic, storage, or somewhere else, take it out, clean it up, and start doing something with it.  Tackle the to-do list one day at a time. 


5.  Cut out and cut off distractions.  Think about this, if you had an emergency situation, would you want someone who could help you continue to play a video game, watch TV, surf the Internet, work long hours at a job, or talk on the phone?  So why are you doing these things to yourself?  Make an appointment with yourself to get things done.  Will you start every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday or daily between the hours of 5 a.m. and 7 a.m., during a lunch hour or 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.? 


6.  Encourage yourself to achieve accomplishments by surrounding yourself around like-minded people, visit places that can help you meet goals, and seek useful tools that will also assist you with getting things done!  What have you been missing out on that you should have been buying or doing?


7.  Don't let anyone or anything take all your money.  Designate a portion to go toward the things that you need to solve your problems.  What might those be?  For instance, if counseling is needed, a class, a tutor, babysitter, or legal assistance, then create a fund for your specific need.  Do you have a separate bank account or an envelope system to tend to your needs?  Don't borrow from it and don't tell others about it who can't help you contribute to that fund.  Also, seek out free products and services as well.


Now that you have seven more pieces of advice, don't put off what you could do now, address the issues in your life sooner rather than later!  Remember, think about the issues, note solutions, create your to-do list, make any necessary connections to people, places and things that will help you solve your problems while leaving the naysayers, enablers, and ignorant behind!


Nicholl McGuire has authored When Mothers Cry, Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic, Laboring to Love Myself, and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate as well as other books.

On Delusional Family Members Creating False Stories

You may have a few in your family that love exaggerating, lying, changing or omitting factual details to keep from people finding out any truth about them.  For instance, a man breaks up with his ex, he desires to make a good impression on a new lover; therefore, he will be careful about what he says about how he and his ex broke up.  He may tell his lover that it was due to repeated disagreements, that she couldn't get over what he did in the past, or there were often disputes about family, money, faith, or politics. 


Whatever the stories the former lover chooses to share, one will never really know the truth especially if he or she has never talked with the ex.  Now take this example and think about delusional family members.  These fantasy-filled people create worlds within and around them that appear to look righteous, peaceful, and prosperous while ignoring the reality around them.  They will be careful about presenting anything that might make the family look bad.  They are often braggadocios and either compare their lifestyles to others or look down on people who don't have much.  So if you were to have a disagreement with a delusional relative or many in a group, they most likely will shut you down in such a way that you will not be considered trustworthy or a credible witness. 


A person with a false image of family will work hard to make it appear as if everyone loves each other, there is no wrong-doing, and God's favor is upon them.  Those who have grown up with these people, know better.  For example, a praying grandmother turns out to be nothing more than a liar and a cheat.  A so-called hard-working grandfather is really nothing more than a hustler.  A sweet aunt turns out to be a seductress and adulterer.  A fun cousin is not the nice guy you once knew, but really the family drunk.  A rich uncle is really a poor pedophile.


These family members with false images and carefully crafted family stories are not worth disputing with.  Truth has a way of coming out in many forms including on the Internet for starters!  You will find yourself increasingly angry with them if you boldly confront them while they repeatedly deny what you know as fact.  In your quest for truth, you might find yourself doing and saying things about that person that might make others form a negative judgment about you.  People like this who live in a fantasy world, you must play cool.  As much as you would like to present the real you, free of facades and compromises when dealing with these types, the reality is it won't be beneficial to start a protest or campaign against those individuals without family members backing you up as well as much evidence to prove truth. 


Wishy-washy relatives who don't mind liars and manipulators in the family will most likely not stand for truth.  These folks, who stay quiet or take a middle of the road stance about family issues, usually don't have much morals and are nonchalant about major issues.  The have an attitude like, "Keep me out of this...I don't know about that and don't want to talk about it...don't ask me...I can't recall."  This can be frustrating when you are trying to get a point across that some individuals could have supported you on when confronting these delusional relatives, but chose not to while creating more family division.


The wrong time to approach these liars is during the holiday family gatherings, if you must, better to take the drama out of view or the liar might win sympathy from witnesses.  Some relatives are deceptive enough to try to draw you into a family fight in an effort to prove lies they have told or heard.  For instance, the man who was used in the previous example wanting to make a good impression on his new lover, if he would be in the presence of an ex, he would use her weaknesses to prove a point.  But he couldn't do it without triggering events.  So maybe he might bring up something from the past that would anger the ex or say something unkind behind closed doors so that she would react to him in a negative way once in public.  Then he would say to witnesses, "See what I had to go through being with her?"  His attempt at making himself look righteous just might go over well with those who already don't like the ex.


When advisers warn you, ignore trouble-makers or don't feed into what they say, they are doing well by giving you this kind of advice.  However, there will be those times where one must speak up and tell truth.  You can do this without being emotional, confrontational or belittling.  Simply state what you know like you would if you were seated in an office with a boss.  Once the information is out, people can do what they want with it.  But the more emotional you become when presenting facts about family members, the more likely you will say or do something that you might later regret.


Nicholl McGuire provides insightful spiritual video at YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.  Also, check out her book, Know Your Enemy: The Christians Critic.

What is Paranoid Personality Disorder? (Mental Health Guru)

Is someone in your family often suspicious of others?  Thinking that relatives and family friends are up to something, they may tell others of their suspicions.  They are often accusing people of stealing something, planning to do something to harm them, or they believe that some around them are enemies.  These paranoid types will draw you into their imagined scenarios of what they think someone might be up to.  Although you may tell them that you don't believe that the accused would say or do something like what they are suggesting, they will insist that they believe otherwise.

Sometimes much proof must be provided in order to counter the paranoid person's personal beliefs.  Even with proof, these people will remain adamant about their suspicions.  If a small issue comes up with someone they believe is an enemy, they will blow the situation up while recruiting others to go along with their programming.  They will take on an attitude of, "I told you so."  Despite facts, the paranoid person who believes that there are people out to get him or her will not back down from lies and exaggerations they have conjured up about others. 

The best solution in dealing with people like this is the following: don't share personal details about your life, avoid being alone with them, record conversations if necessary, and whenever possible distance yourself if you notice the paranoid person is acting nervous, telling false stories, or accusing others of things that are untrue.  Politely excuse yourself and go about your business.  Most individuals like this, don't believe that they have any mental disorder.

Nicholl McGuire shares personal experiences on Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate blog, click here.

Unhappy with Relatives?

They know how to rub you the wrong way.  You have observed your family for years do all sorts of things to get what they want when they want it.  You might be one of many who is tired of having to deal with their irresponsible decision-making, challenging mental and/or physical illnesses, and more.  Some of you reading this might be thinking, "Why was I born into this messed up family?"


Once you have reached the place in your life where you draw the line in the sand, so to speak, and refuse to put up with others' dysfunctions, you have truly arrived into adulthood.  Boy men and girl women, terms I use to describe men and women who have yet to grow up, will act like children.  These needy people are still concerned about what others think, they don't take a stand, and are unhappy when they don't get their way even when their wants are not in the best interest of self or those involved.  The less you have to deal with the immature, who refuse correction, the better!


Whether you are reading this during a holiday season or not, know that you have a choice, you can either focus on those negative relatives who love being on your radar or you can choose to ignore them and connect with people who are positive.  Relatives who make you unhappy need a time-out.  We should never force ourselves to do anything with these people that we don't want to do--never!  It doesn't matter if there is a blood tie or not.  When something is rude, crazy, disgusting, or wicked, it would make sense to feel all sorts of negative emotions about what a relative or relatives is up to.  But trouble-making people, will do almost anything to convince you that what they say or do is right and your reaction to it is wrong.  Distance yourself!  The mind games are unnecessary when you know deep in your heart that someone is wrong.


The good news is these seasons of family unhappiness are temporal depending on the offense.  Other times they can seem like forever.  Depending on the length of time you allow yourself to be unhappy with these people will affect your personality and how you treat others, so it is best to work to snap out of feelings of disappointment and seek healthy happiness elsewhere.  Healthy happiness are the things that don't cost a lot, won't make you sick, won't put you in jail, or cause further unhappiness.


So I close with this, wishing you joy and peace during this time of family storms.  May you be blessed with the desires of your heart!


Nicholl McGuire shares insightful audio/video at YouTube channel: nmenterprise7
  

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