You Can't Make Your Family Be Something They Are Not

You want dad to be more loving, grandma to be sweet, and your brothers and sisters to care more about you and your family on your terms.  Good luck--not happening. 

The problem is "your terms."  One event or many events, a little money or much, isn't going to recreate someone into what you hope they would be especially for as long as you live.  People change, but not that much.  Money changes people, but not that much.  Events put smiles on people's faces, but not for long.  Get it?

Now for some controlling types for a season you just might get some family members to play along with your attempt at bridging the gap between relatives.  "Sister I think it would be nice if you...Mother could you be more...Auntie please could you not..."  thoughts like these go through our minds because we saw somewhere or heard someone talking about this issue and that one.  So now we will try to persuade a relative to do some things differently.

It takes years for family programming (brainwashing to make one do what others want) to die.  It takes even longer to cultivate an atmosphere between many adults in a family to "simply get along for God sake!"  Most likely, the Good Samaritan type will tire of trying to get the family together.  He or she will stop being so encouraging, nice, and the like.  Good for this person, because he or she will most likely not suffer long from headaches, ulcers, and more as a result of family issues.  But some won't give up the fight--they will die fighting. 

There comes a point in our quest to do what's right and promote change, that we have to stop and consider the other side.  Besides, for some, their marriages are headed for ruin as a result of continuously getting involve in far too many family affairs.  As much as we want people to forgive, forget, apologize, and play together, it's not going to happen for all.  We can pray and pray some more, but until a man, woman or child sees a sincere benefit to communicating with members of their bloodline, they just aren't going to do it. 

I have personally witnessed my share of family arguments, physical fights, and just cold-hearted behaviors that would make outsiders fearful.  What causes men and women to act so evilly only God knows?  We can blame the devil all we want, but people have choices.  You can either make up in your mind to call off the war or keep it going with your tongue or something else.  Some just don't know how to talk peacefully, behave respectfully, or do anything else that promotes positivity.

The best solution to the family mayhem that keeps dividing the family up is to start focusing on your own family.  I have found that when the Good Samaritan stops trying to get family together, teach family, do for family, hand hold with family and more, people will no longer bring their drama to you especially when you have been forward about what you will no longer put up with. 

When the Do-Good matriarch puts an end to reaching out, sending gifts, encouraging phone calls and other similar things, that's when people tend to come together naturally.  However, the jealous type, who unsuccessfully brings a peaceful union together, can end up turning from friend to foe while causing disagreements among a select few.  Watch out for those type!

Remember, as much as you love your family, whatever picture you have in your head of what family looks like, it's time to throw it away and look at reality.  Take what is given to you and make the most of it! 

For some readers of this blog, stop reading, watching, or listening to shows that make you covet a family outside of your own.  You only make yourself miserable doing those things.  Fill your mind with other activities that are non-related to family.  Start by making a list of things you like and begin to tackle it.  This way your life isn't passing away so quickly while exhausting yourself of your family's worries.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic.

7 Things to Think About For Women In Abusive Relationships

You have been called names, threatened, lied to, physically beaten, kept captive in a room, told to keep quiet and yelled at to perform senseless acts all in the name of love by the one who calls himself your lover, boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.

People have judged you, advised you, cut you off, scolded you, and so much more just to communicate one thing and that is to leave him. The problem you are having with yourself and everyone around you, your mind and heart are not ready to leave at least not yet.

So the following statements will challenge you to look inside yourself and evaluate your world around you and hopefully you will be motivated to do what is right for you and/or your family before it’s too late. It’s time to take out a piece of paper, pen the thoughts that come to your mind as you read.

My daddy doesn’t know me. Whether it was your dad or any man around you that you wanted to be close to as a young girl, but he just never wanted to allow you to get close to him, this statement is a part of the trouble you now face. If you had looked for love in the past in previous relationships but found yourself disappointed with man after man, then finally made yourself settle down, even though this man didn’t seem to be right for you either, now is the time to ask yourself, have I really found daddy’s love? What will it take for me to find the love and peace I desperately need? What will I have to do to stop my own cycle of abuse?

My mother contributed to the who in “am I.” The way a mother communicates and acts with the men in her life is witnessed by her daughters; therefore she has contributed to the who that you have become whether you like it or not. If your mother catered to her man, yelled at him, loved him or hated him in front of you, some of your mother’s ways have become yours. What will it take for you to stop what you are doing that is unhealthy to you and/or your children, and start doing the positive actions that will benefit all of you?

I can’t risk my reputation amongst family, friends, and community. You have worked hard to become the many titles you are to the people that know you. If you sincerely would want to do something different in your personal life such as break off an engagement, divorce, or separate from your man, how would you go about doing it? Your plan could be one that makes the least amount of drama for you and those around you simply by stepping out on your own without speaking to anyone who knows you; rather, find assistance from strangers.

I am no better than I was a year, three years, or even seven years ago. Each passing year has not added to your being positively, but only took years of youth away, what steps could you make that would help you feel better about you? When was the last time you dreamed, planned, set a goal, and achieved it? Who or what would you blame for stopping you from becoming a better you?

I believe that I am helping my man become a better one. If you believe that enduring his abuse is somehow helping him become a better man, then take a moment to review the scars on your body. Would you be willing to allow him to murder you, so that he can get on with his life? Of course not, but the women who have been in similar situations, literally allowed themselves to die at the hands of their men, was it worth it?

I am repeating the same life that women around me have lived or are living and I’m not happy. You have noticed that you are repeating their patterns, have you bothered to question why you do the things you do? Who is benefiting when you act out behaviors that have caused you to feel the way you do? From the house being organized his way to how you spend the money that is rightfully yours, is he treating you fairly? Are you treating yourself fairly?

The world would be better off without me. You may have never felt this way until he came into your life. The arguing, fighting, name-calling, choking and so much more will make anyone feel as if they want to end it all. However, if you can think of one thing that makes your life worth living, that is your sign that everything is going to be alright, you will just have to make up in your mind that you will do what is right for you and/or your children.

When you have finished thinking about your life and why you feel it is still worth living with or without him, there is a book written just for you, entitled, “Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate” written by me, Nicholl McGuire. http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306/

I wrote this book, because I once walked, staggered, and fell in your shoes, I never intended to love a gentleman who would later show me the mean, angry, and bitter side of himself. He had not only hid that side in the beginning from me, but from my family too. This book is every abused woman’s diary of poetry although based on one woman’s experience. The feelings and thoughts I express as it relates to being let down and abused by men at the mere age of 21 when most young women are supposed to be enjoying life. It also contains challenging questions similar to the ones in this article that encourages the reader to get back in touch with the things that once mattered such as your independence, love, freedom, peace, and more.

As women, we enjoy talking about the troubled souls around us, yet when it comes to evaluating ourselves, we avoid it like a plague. It’s time to take control over your life and do what makes you happy! There is no one in this world that will bother to take care of someone who has given up on her self. This is one of the biggest secrets that men who control women know about them and that is why he won’t hesitate to hit you and apologize just one more time, and then one more time, and on…and on…and on…until you defend yourself mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually.

 Nicholl McGuire

More insight and details about this writer's experience may be found at http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306/

Dr. Phil Video about Parent Playing Favorites, Daughter Upset

Didn't Choose Them

When I was a baby,

I was born to a lady

that I didn't choose

who easily blew her fuse.

 

Thought I had the best,

until she was put to the test.

Now this I must confess,

didn't know God to bless.

 

Then there was a dad,

who was sad.

I wasn't the little lad,

so he was mad.

 

Life didn't start with people

who ran and prayed under a steeple.

They weren't all nice,

nor did their words entice.

 

There was no different me

for the world to see.

I had to leave, I had to break free!

 

I was just like all the rest,

forced to do my very best.

Then later in life,

put parents to test.

 

No, I didn't choose them.

My past would get dim.

Had to live and learn,

get spiritual to discern.

Who was friend and

who was really foe?

Too many relatives put on a show.

 

Grew older, got wise,

could see between all the lies.

 

Had children of my own,

and oh, how they had grown!

 

Didn't think too much about my people,

still avoiding the Jesus that was on the steeple.

 

Now I'm not sharing for sympathy,

and could care less about empathy.

But what you need to know,

before I go,

is that there is more to life than putting on a show.

 

 

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog and others.  Check out her latest blog Face Your Foe Other blogs: Work Place Problems and Spiritual Poems By Nicholl.

When Loved Ones Grow Apart

It doesn't matter what the title the loved one holds, if he or she is a liar, cheat, adulterer, angry, bitter, or has a lifestyle that you don't agree with, you have a right to permit whoever you want in your inner circle.  Will you be judged, ridiculed, or treated badly by others for your actions?  Probably.  But the great thing about being an adult and having a mind and life of your own, you can call the shots in your personal life.  No government, religion, or anyone else can make you do anything with your mind unless you allow them to have it. 

Sometimes we permit people to be in our lives for a season because they are bringing something to the table.  They are helping us achieve certain goals, build us up, teach us, and more.  We may also be a help to them as well.  However, the relationship between parents, sibilings, and other relatives tend to take an ugly turn when one or both parties can no longer see eye to eye, don't see the purpose anymore of relating to one another, or have simply changed due to life events.  One or both no longer see any benefit in communicating, visiting, or assisting each other any longer.  This isn't necessarily a good or bad thing, it just is. 

People grow weary of negativity.  They get tired of the same conversations about the same people.  They desire to have a more uplifting and helpful kind of relationship that grows with them.  But what happens, is we all can become stale, boring, or even odd over the course of our lives and not everyone is going to keep welcoming us in their presence.  This is why some people truly stop calling or coming around.  Being busy is often true, but there is also a truth that many family members, neighbors, friends don't say because they don't want to hurt feelings, and that is, "I am so done with you...I'm over all of that!  Can't you get a life?!  Why do we keep talking about the same things?  Is there anything more going on with you besides...?"

There are those relatives who witness a once close parent and child relationship or siblings become distant and they hurt inside and want to see them interact like in the past.  But people change.  They just aren't going to remain the same for the rest of their lives, they will either get better or get worse. 

When life deals us a bad hand, we keep playing the game--we don't quit.  We strategize in such a way that we don't have to lose too badly.  Carrying negative people along in our lives will make us want to do things we don't want to do like quit the game of life ie.) marriage, raising children, relocating, etc. prematurely.  So if we are going to go down, we rather do it alone then with someone who may or may not know that he or she is helping us stay down with all his or her criticism, bad experiences, and overall miserable outlook on life.

So if you are one who is growing apart from some family members, don't look at it as a bad thing.  They don't even have to be negative people, just people you are no longer interested in.  Don't beat yourself up about it and don't take on any guilty feelings that others try to place on you because you have changed. 

Consider that for this time in your life, distancing yourself from certain people is giving yourself the permission to grow--to become the kind of person you want to be!  Now if you are the one who is concerned about others' familial relationships, know that people have their reasons as to why they behave like they do and it is just best to give them space; otherwise you get too much involved, those who are at odds with one another may turn against you one day.  Let time heal some wounds.

Nicholl McGuire

Take a Break from Relatives, Friends It's Okay

Between job and children, you simply don't have the time to call relatives or friends much less visit with them especially when you have personal and public challenges.  So why beat yourself up about connecting with loved ones?  Well sometimes guilt others place on us have a way of making us talk to people even when we aren't in the mood.  Other times we just feel this tugging on the inside that we should call someone.  Then throw in past regrets and before long you are in a cycle of needing someone to talk to even when it isn't the most wisest things to do when you are under a lot of stress.

Taking a break from relatives and friends is something that many people who feel obligated to everyone, but themselves, don't do.  They reason that someone will be offended, won't help them, or do other things all because they didn't return a call right away or stop by their home.  If it worries these people too much about what a relative or friend wants, they will not only call, but run to the person even when the issue is unimportant.  Now some individuals who don't feel so much pressure about talking or visiting others will let relatives and friends know in advance what is coming up and that they will be unavailable within a certain period of time.

People can only have as much access to you as you allow.  If what use to work for you is no longer working for one reason or another, you can change the relationship with a certain invidiual or group simply by establishing a new set of boundaries.  If you prefer someone don't contact you anymore, then avoid responding to this person the way you normally do by not inviting him or her to your home, share personal thoughts, family stories, etc.  Instead, state the truth in a way that brings you peace, if the person is doing or saying something that is bothering you and you don't like it, he or she most likely will be offended that you called him or her out on his or her behavior which just might work to your favor of not having to deal with this person in the future. 

Remember, you can't control how one is going to receive that truth, so don't try.  Besides, consider this free time as a test to see which relatives or friends are more interested in what you can do for them rather than what is in your best interest for the time being.

Nicholl McGuire

How to Live Guilt Free About Anything

How to Live Guilt Free About Anything

When to Cut Off Certain Family Members, Friends From Your Private Life

When to Cut Off Certain Family Members, Friends From Your Private Life

Daughters Need Fathers, Too

With the recent passing of a family member, I thought of the many obstacles the 40 plus year old woman had to go through.  She didn't have a close relationship with most of her relatives and she was always in search of love.  While growing up, the childless woman had a father who was more interested in people and things outside the home rather than his own family.  Not only that, there was favoritism her dad showed toward her brothers.  Having sons was a big deal during her childhood and many young girls, like her, felt that overwhelming desire to win over their fathers' attention.  So I take a moment to share this article with those parents who are expecting daughters as well as those fathers who might still have a chance to make wrongs right with their female offspring.  See here.

What You Shouldn't Say to the In-Laws When They Have Offended You

What You Shouldn't Say to the In-Laws When They Have Offended You

How to Handle House Guests That Stay Too Long

Some people just love your home, your children, you and whatever else that you have; therefore, they will invite themselves over and don't bother to go home--uh oh!  Read these noteworthy tips:  How to Handle House Guests That Stay Too Long

Good Times are Here Again! When You Have to Celebrate with Relatives

What is good about being with family, eating, drinking, being merry, and doing other things that a wise God in his Word has repeatedly warned us about, well you get to see some people that you most likely wouldn't see at their best any other time of the year.  But yes, we should watch as well as pray and not fill ourselves too much with food and drink.  There is always an enemy that would like nothing more than cause problems for you and your family.

The holiday season typically brings out the best in people.  Those who are often upset suddenly cheer up when they see something wrapped with a bow.  There are children who may not be polite on most days, but when they know they are getting something "fun, cool" out comes, "Thank you, yes ma'm...No sir."  Oh the joys of the holidays and those people we love!

So what are some things we all can think about this season to keep us happy and motivated to be around select people that we really don't like much while enjoying the company of others that we do like.

One.  Focus on people in attendance you do appreciate and spend time with them.  Take part in whatever they are doing so that you aren't busy with those people who annoy you.

Two.  Take up time with the children.  Playing with toys and listening to children talk will also keep you occupied, so that you don't feel obligated to sit too long with those individuals that bring you down.

Three.  Take lots of photos and video.  Once again, you are keeping busy so there isn't much time to listen to that one negative relative who sits in the corner always saying one thing or another about this person and that one.

Four.  Bring something to the gathering and share it with those who would find what you have interesting.  Of course, the busybody, the envious and others will also see what you have, but who cares?  You win friends and they just sit back and frown.

Five.  Show love even to your enemies.  Despite the rudeness or pompous behavior of certain relatives, you still thought about them whether you bring a card, gift card, an envelope with a little cash, or something else you think they might like, you are showing that you still care about them.  But your nice gesture doesn't mean, that you are a fool either.
 
Six.  Come up with an idea that keeps everyone smiling.  Whether you bring a funny video, sing a merry song, or do something fun online, share.

Seven.  Challenge a few to a favorite game.  This will also keep some of those negative people from raining down on your parade.

Well with all the things you have to do and all the people you will be talking to and entertaining, there just won't be any time to sit down with the trouble-makers, so don't.  When they call for you to come over, mouth, "Later, busy."  When you do finally sit down with them (have a witness), and don't get comfortable.  Avoid responding to comments that make you feel awkward, irritate you, or make you want to argue, "Oh, sorry you feel that way.  But honestly, now is not the time."  Get up and go about your way.  If things get out of hand, have someone go get the host.

Nicholl McGuire