Beware of the Actress or Actor in Your Family

You may not believe that your mother, father, sister, brother, aunt or someone else in your family is one that enjoys acting--not for television or in theater plays--but for the family.  Chances are there is someone who has been "playing" the family for years and you may be one of many who got tricked.

From exaggerated story-telling to repeated requests to help with this thing or that one, these relatives love getting people emotionally wrapped into their madness.  They are usually people with far too much time on their hands, lack education, hobbies, unemployed, retired, and more.  So what they do is think of those in the family on a daily, weekly or monthly basis who might have something that they want whether time, money, or service.  "What can she do for me?" one thinks.  "What might he help me with and how can I convince him to do that for me?"  The actor or actress begins to prepare for his or her role especially when this person knows that a few are on to his or her game.

It took some time for me to realize that we had a damsel (actually more than one) who was often in distress in the family.  She enjoyed playing the emotional roles complete with a tear or two.  Her performances were believable.  She would change her voice whenever someone called her depending on who she thought might believe she was ill and in need of something and willing to help.  This person would ask for money, time or service from relatives who would call her.  At times, she would make conversation with gullible strangers on the street, in stores and elsewhere in the hopes that they could become fast friends.  This way she could use them later if she should need anything.  Each week she had relatives, friends or strangers coming in and out of her home, because they believed one story or another she shared.  She was never left empty-handed.  This sort of behavior went on for years often, but slowed down once she grew older.  She couldn't keep her act up--sometimes she would come out of her characters, mix her roles up, and forget her lines.  Those who realized they were being used began to back off.

Now when you are close to these people you don't often pay attention to when they are telling a truth or lie.  You most likely accept them whether good, bad or otherwise.  However, this sort of behavior isn't good when people in the family are warning you that So and So is a big actress or actor.  Sometimes you have to be burned time and time again before you will believe truth particularly from someone you don't trust in the first place.  But when you know someone behaves deceptively and you continue to help them, then you are an enabler--a person who helps perpetuate negative or destructive behavior in the sick individual. You convince yourself that you're are helping this person when you really are not. 

Gambling, substance abuse, lies, mayhem, and other things that people do that eventually affect others, can wreck havoc on a family that was once close.  Actors and actresses show up in certain relatives because they know that others will not accept them the way that they are.  Therefore, they will do things to hide their weaknesses; rather than make necessary changes to ensure peace within the family.  These pretenders in the family, who say one thing and do another, will try various tactics with different people to get hidden needs met.  So they might tell a story that is believeable and possibly truthful in an effort to make you feel good about helping them.  But the reality is, one might need the money to fund an addictive behavior, help someone else who is struggling, keep conflict going between others while hoping to benefit off the arguments in some way ie.) attention, etc.

If you aren't on to the actor or actress in the family, then most likely you are the one that relatives who have been burned already might be trying to warn, but you won't listen.  I challenge you today to open up your eyes and start keeping track of days and times the relative calls you with a request.  Notice his or her mannerisms.  Call back later and listen for change in his or her voice.  Ask others have they noticed anything different about the relative who is always in need.  Keep your wallet and gifts at home and see how he or she reacts when you show up empty-handed.  Stop offering to pay for his or her purchases and doing other services, then sit back and watch how he or she treats you. 

For some readers, you might be the one who is the actor or actress and see nothing wrong with what you are doing.  Sooner or later people will find you out and when they do they will stop coming around you and will warn others about you.  So don't ask why someone doesn't like you or is bad-mouthing you, you know what you have been doing. 

For others reading this, you might be the one who use to be this way and is sounding the alarm on other actors and actresses in the family.  But whatever role you are in, use to be in, or was never in, the point is keep your eyes open to actors and actresses in the family who love you as long as you do for them, but when you stop, they don't want to bother with you and might turn others against you because of it.  You know what to do when this happens, cut them off!

Nicholl McGuire
See a blog on Facing Your Foe here: http://faceyourfoe.blogspot.com  

Family Lies, Exaggerates, Cover-Ups and Forgets

They won't admit to the things they done in the past without making things appear as if "they weren't so bad, you were mistaken, it didn't happen that way..." etc.  No sense in arguing with them, because you know your truth!

Family lie, exaggerate, cover-up and forget things that make them look bad.  Who wants to put their arm up and say, "Okay, I did it.  I'm sorry.  I should have, could have..."  Maybe at some point your relative might come to grips with the truth and try to make yesteryears' wrongs right, but then again maybe not.  However, using all sorts of tactics to get your family to see the light won't make them come to any revelation any faster.  Rather, all you will be doing is continuing to build a wedge of resistance and possibly put yourself in a position of alienation between you and those you sincerely want in your life--is it worth it? 

Depending on what the issue was, whether the relative has changed, and how much damage was done to you and if  you can find peace within yourself, will determine whether you or they will reach some sort of compromise.  The person or group that hurt you may die never saying "I apologize."  But you can free yourself now by moving on with your life and doing the kinds of things that make YOU happy while all they can do is just spectate.  The sweetest revenge is the kind that only your Creator can provide--he knows how to hit people where they hurt when they have done wrongly to others--I am a witness, my God is awesome!

Sometimes we are guilty of enabling all of this lying, exaggerating and covering-up in families by not letting go and letting God, so to speak.  We tell others that they are making up things while we choose to ignore or forget things.  We accuse others of lying, when we have been guilty of adding to the lie.  We act as if nothing ever happened and tell others to get over it, when we know that bad things really did happen, and we were too scared, worried, or sick to say anything.  Think of times when you weren't always truthful or failed to remember specific details that could have helped someone else. 

It makes no sense to keep reminding yourself of the pain one has inflicted on you--that is self-torture!  Someone in the family might be encouraging you to deal with this person and that one even though you know it isn't healthy.  Why convince yourself that you are mistaken, crazy, or strange for feeling the way you do about someone (just because they are a relative) when you know that their behaviors make you feel uncomfortable, aren't right, and downright weird?  But so many family members will put themselves in challenging situations, while screaming, "Get me out!"when they know someone in the family has repeatedly hurt them with words and actions.

Break free from these lying, exaggerating, covering up, forgetful people by:

1.  Ignoring phone calls, email, text, and snail mail.

2.  Avoiding family events where you will have to deal with them without someone to mediate.

3.  Say no to favors.

4.  Don't move into their homes.

5.  Don't open your circles of friends to them.

6.  Don't borrow money and other items.

7.  Stay away from conversations with those who are connected to them about them.  Otherwise, your conversation will run the risk of being repeated.

Think of other things you can do to find the peace you need from those who aren't interested in building you or others up, but rather break them down.


Nicholl McGuire

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When You Need Family Support

It happens, unfortunate situations that put us in a position that we need the help of family.  But when we reach out, we may not always be greeted with a friendly smile and a warm embrace especially if we have a history of angering certain people.  So what do you do?

One.  Set aside your pride.

Pride can be a demon that sets out to destroy everything that is there to help you.  Some people believe they are somehow doing the right thing by turning down assistance.  But unfortunately, saying "no" at the wrong time for the wrong reason can cause more harm than good.  Not all people are out to get you later or expect you to give your right arm because they did something for you.  If asking for help is bothersome to you, then consider enlisting the help of someone who can do the talking for you.  Also, be clear what you can and can't do for someone upfront.  Most often those who are opportunists will not do much for you when they can't get something in return.  Selfish and greedy individuals will always expose themselves sooner or later.  Watch for individuals and groups who mean you well and stay away from those who don't.

Two.  Assist others when you can.

Everything you do to help others shouldn't be wrapped up in money agreements, but as we all know there are always a few who love money and will do just about anything for it.  Sure, some relatives will expect money loaned paid back, because you may have entered into that sort of agreement with them, but others would be more than happy to receive service from you.  Therefore, whenever possible offer service rather than money as pay back BEFORE YOU BORROW especially when you know you have bills to pay.  If you can get the agreement recorded via email, text, voicemail, or some other way, do that so as to avoid confusion in the future.

Three.  Avoid arguments, personal opinions, and saying anything that you know will start unnecessary conflict.

The past has a way of coming back to haunt you when you are stressed.  You start thinking about those times when this person and that one wasn't there to help you.  You become easily irritated when someone starts bringing up subject matter that you have yet to get over.  Don't rehash your troubles with people who you know don't understand and have never walked a mile in your shoes.  Walk away when you feel like you are ready to explode on someone who thinks he or she knows it all and is critical of your decision-making.  Keep doors closed when discussing your issues with others.  It  is always best to avoid drama whenever possible particularly when you know you need certain relatives to help you.

Four.  State what you need upfront and try not to ask for much more.

Everyone who knows about your personal crises may help you for a time, but as the situation grows older, family members will begin to close their doors on helping you any longer.  They will expect some results from their assistancing you.  So if something comes up, you may have to ask for more help, but before you do, exhaust all options.  The last thing you want is a disgruntled relative complaining about you being a freeloader or beggar.

Five.  Try to speak positively whenever you can.

Sometimes it is simply hard to be happy for others who are doing well.  You become very angry and bitter when things just don't seem to be going your way.  However, you can adjust negative thinking by speaking positively whenever you can.  Find inspiration online.  Surround yourself around individuals who are doing well.  Attend worship services, spiritual conferences, and other similar things to keep your mood upbeat.  Resist the temptation to drink or do drugs, this will only cause discord between you and those who are trying to help you.

Six.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Don't get caught not doing what you said you were going to do.  If you are supposed to be looking for a job, do that.  If you plan to pay someone back, start paying that person a little at a time as soon as you have money in your pocket.  But whatever you do, don't make promises you can't keep.  If you know you will be unable to pay a loan within a designated time frame, say so.  Ask for options.  If you know you will need a donation, instead of a loan, then be clear about that.  Never assume that someone knows your situation, speak truthfully.  Keep only those who need to be updated about your personal business in the know, leave those who can't help you, out of your affairs.

Those that love you the most, can hurt you the most with mean-spirited statements, looks and the like, but just because you are down today, doesn't mean you always will.  People reap what they say and do.  Keep your head up.  Stay active seeking a job, taking courses, networking, working on your personal relationships, and doing other things that will help you in life.  Don't let critics keep you down!  To your future success!

Nicholl McGuire shares faith based messages on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7  You can also check out videos on Godtube.

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Crazy Relatives Who Don't Care Whether They Live or Die

You may have a few in your family, crazy relatives who don't mind taking risks with health, wealth, family, and more.  These insane relatives will fight with self and others in order to get their illogical ideas off the ground.  They reason, "This will be good for everyone...you will see!"  But the reality is that far too often their thoughts and deeds do nothing more than bring heart and headache to relatives and friends.  So what do we do about these mentally handicapped people in our families?

One.  Don't encourage them to take dangerous risks.  From cheating to drug use, when you know your relatives are bound to try anything, don't say, "Go ahead, do it--I don't care if you kill yourself, you crazy S.O.B.!"  If you say words like this, you might be the one at the funeral one day crying out of guilt--beating yourself up about the last words you said to your wild family member.

Two.  Keep away from the angry, deceptive, or dangerous relatives when you know they have a history of tricking people into doing crazy things.  If a sudden phone call to do something doesn't sound right coming from this wild relative, most likely it isn't.

Three.  Pray for your insane relatives.  If you know that their parents tried everything else like: medicate them, take them to a psychologist, to church, etc., the least you could do is utilize your faith to help them, help you!  Ask God to give you peace, understanding and willingness to help your family member when you can.

Four.  Be at peace with all those related to the insane relative.  One way is to not talk/visit/help out so much if you find yourself too involved in your wild's relatives life. Limit your time with those family members who are often bitter, angry, and saddened by this troubled person's misdeeds.  You can only do and say so much to them, if you find yourself being handicapped as a result of others' issues, distance yourself from them and those who insist on burdening you with all their problems.  The last thing you will want to deal with is losing your cool with your own family because you don't know when to let go of troubled circumstances and people.

Five.  Learn more about your family history.  Notice patterns and other behaviors that might have contributed to your relative's mental handicap.  Seek remedies that might possibly help with some symptoms.  Don't insist on advising your relatives to take your advice when you know they are irresponsible, nonchalant, and selfish.

Take a moment to think of other things you could possibly do to keep from becoming like your insane relatives.  Keep children away from troubled people, because it is very easy for them to pick up on their bad mannerisms.

Nicholl McGuire

When Relatives Don't Listen

No matter what anyone says, some relatives just won't listen to sound advice!  They will cry, scream, threaten, and even run away from truth.  They ignore warnings, fight with family members, make excuses, ignore phone calls, and even lie to keep from the following occuring:  exposed on a wrong,  told to do the right thing like pay back what they owe, advise on handling problematic relationships/friendships, and whatever else they are supposed to do or not do.

"I don't bother with Mom because...I can't stand my sister because...If I were you, I would stay out of my business...Who do you think you are telling me...?"  says the stiff-necked, angry person.  He or she is often defending why he/she/it is right and why what this person does or doesn't do is okay, alright and "don't worry about me."  The offended, who doesn't like truth, especially with a Christian ring to it, is going to push back.  If you are the one, who has to speak truth to a rebellious person, here's what to do:

1.  Prepare your speech and know what you are going to do if there is no change in the offending behavior(s).

2.  Use your faith to keep you focused ie.) pray in your mind before, during and after confrontation.

3.  Demonstrate self-control.  Don't argue or act like a fool because you don't like what the person is saying to you.

4.  Be a blessing, offer assistance and then follow up.  It wouldn't be fair to tell someone what they should do and you are not willing to help.

5.  Don't bad-mouth.  It isn't necessary to share your encounter with someone else particularly if you feel tempted to say every vile thing you can about this person.

6.  Stay away from an angry man or woman.  If you already know this person has threatened to harm you, don't go near him or her.  Use the phone, computer or a third party.

7.  Forgive your enemy without being difficult, evil, or temperamental.

After you have done what you can to help your stubborn relative, back off!  Don't continue to speak to this person about what is bothering you ie.) "I feel...you make me...I wish..."  If he or she is willing to reach a compromise, you will see fresh fruit, so to speak, if not, don't hang around spoiled fruit. 

Most people are aware that their actions and in-actions on a matter is why negativity has showed up in their lives.  The problem for some people is it is easier to ignore issues and hope that they go away.  But when tough love comes into play and no one is inviting The Problem to the family event, calling him or her often, asking this person to do anything for him or her, and overall acting differently toward the troubled person, sooner or later he or she will see that the family doesn't accept his or her behavior.  It is then that the person will have to make a choice either, do what's right or not.  Your Creator treats Christ believers the same way.  A believer defends his or herself when He uses his messengers to get a person who claims to be a child of God to act on His will.  In time, God distances himself from the rebellious.  Take the time to confess your sins, repent, and ask the Lord to forgive you, then forgive those who have offended you in Jesus name.

Nicholl McGuire

You Can't Make Your Family Be Something They Are Not

You want dad to be more loving, grandma to be sweet, and your brothers and sisters to care more about you and your family on your terms.  Good luck--not happening. 

The problem is "your terms."  One event or many events, a little money or much, isn't going to recreate someone into what you hope they would be especially for as long as you live.  People change, but not that much.  Money changes people, but not that much.  Events put smiles on people's faces, but not for long.  Get it?

Now for some controlling types for a season you just might get some family members to play along with your attempt at bridging the gap between relatives.  "Sister I think it would be nice if you...Mother could you be more...Auntie please could you not..."  thoughts like these go through our minds because we saw somewhere or heard someone talking about this issue and that one.  So now we will try to persuade a relative to do some things differently.

It takes years for family programming (brainwashing to make one do what others want) to die.  It takes even longer to cultivate an atmosphere between many adults in a family to "simply get along for God sake!"  Most likely, the Good Samaritan type will tire of trying to get the family together.  He or she will stop being so encouraging, nice, and the like.  Good for this person, because he or she will most likely not suffer long from headaches, ulcers, and more as a result of family issues.  But some won't give up the fight--they will die fighting. 

There comes a point in our quest to do what's right and promote change, that we have to stop and consider the other side.  Besides, for some, their marriages are headed for ruin as a result of continuously getting involve in far too many family affairs.  As much as we want people to forgive, forget, apologize, and play together, it's not going to happen for all.  We can pray and pray some more, but until a man, woman or child sees a sincere benefit to communicating with members of their bloodline, they just aren't going to do it. 

I have personally witnessed my share of family arguments, physical fights, and just cold-hearted behaviors that would make outsiders fearful.  What causes men and women to act so evilly only God knows?  We can blame the devil all we want, but people have choices.  You can either make up in your mind to call off the war or keep it going with your tongue or something else.  Some just don't know how to talk peacefully, behave respectfully, or do anything else that promotes positivity.

The best solution to the family mayhem that keeps dividing the family up is to start focusing on your own family.  I have found that when the Good Samaritan stops trying to get family together, teach family, do for family, hand hold with family and more, people will no longer bring their drama to you especially when you have been forward about what you will no longer put up with. 

When the Do-Good matriarch puts an end to reaching out, sending gifts, encouraging phone calls and other similar things, that's when people tend to come together naturally.  However, the jealous type, who unsuccessfully brings a peaceful union together, can end up turning from friend to foe while causing disagreements among a select few.  Watch out for those type!

Remember, as much as you love your family, whatever picture you have in your head of what family looks like, it's time to throw it away and look at reality.  Take what is given to you and make the most of it! 

For some readers of this blog, stop reading, watching, or listening to shows that make you covet a family outside of your own.  You only make yourself miserable doing those things.  Fill your mind with other activities that are non-related to family.  Start by making a list of things you like and begin to tackle it.  This way your life isn't passing away so quickly while exhausting yourself of your family's worries.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic.

7 Things to Think About For Women In Abusive Relationships

You have been called names, threatened, lied to, physically beaten, kept captive in a room, told to keep quiet and yelled at to perform senseless acts all in the name of love by the one who calls himself your lover, boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.

People have judged you, advised you, cut you off, scolded you, and so much more just to communicate one thing and that is to leave him. The problem you are having with yourself and everyone around you, your mind and heart are not ready to leave at least not yet.

So the following statements will challenge you to look inside yourself and evaluate your world around you and hopefully you will be motivated to do what is right for you and/or your family before it’s too late. It’s time to take out a piece of paper, pen the thoughts that come to your mind as you read.

My daddy doesn’t know me. Whether it was your dad or any man around you that you wanted to be close to as a young girl, but he just never wanted to allow you to get close to him, this statement is a part of the trouble you now face. If you had looked for love in the past in previous relationships but found yourself disappointed with man after man, then finally made yourself settle down, even though this man didn’t seem to be right for you either, now is the time to ask yourself, have I really found daddy’s love? What will it take for me to find the love and peace I desperately need? What will I have to do to stop my own cycle of abuse?

My mother contributed to the who in “am I.” The way a mother communicates and acts with the men in her life is witnessed by her daughters; therefore she has contributed to the who that you have become whether you like it or not. If your mother catered to her man, yelled at him, loved him or hated him in front of you, some of your mother’s ways have become yours. What will it take for you to stop what you are doing that is unhealthy to you and/or your children, and start doing the positive actions that will benefit all of you?

I can’t risk my reputation amongst family, friends, and community. You have worked hard to become the many titles you are to the people that know you. If you sincerely would want to do something different in your personal life such as break off an engagement, divorce, or separate from your man, how would you go about doing it? Your plan could be one that makes the least amount of drama for you and those around you simply by stepping out on your own without speaking to anyone who knows you; rather, find assistance from strangers.

I am no better than I was a year, three years, or even seven years ago. Each passing year has not added to your being positively, but only took years of youth away, what steps could you make that would help you feel better about you? When was the last time you dreamed, planned, set a goal, and achieved it? Who or what would you blame for stopping you from becoming a better you?

I believe that I am helping my man become a better one. If you believe that enduring his abuse is somehow helping him become a better man, then take a moment to review the scars on your body. Would you be willing to allow him to murder you, so that he can get on with his life? Of course not, but the women who have been in similar situations, literally allowed themselves to die at the hands of their men, was it worth it?

I am repeating the same life that women around me have lived or are living and I’m not happy. You have noticed that you are repeating their patterns, have you bothered to question why you do the things you do? Who is benefiting when you act out behaviors that have caused you to feel the way you do? From the house being organized his way to how you spend the money that is rightfully yours, is he treating you fairly? Are you treating yourself fairly?

The world would be better off without me. You may have never felt this way until he came into your life. The arguing, fighting, name-calling, choking and so much more will make anyone feel as if they want to end it all. However, if you can think of one thing that makes your life worth living, that is your sign that everything is going to be alright, you will just have to make up in your mind that you will do what is right for you and/or your children.

When you have finished thinking about your life and why you feel it is still worth living with or without him, there is a book written just for you, entitled, “Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate” written by me, Nicholl McGuire. http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306/

I wrote this book, because I once walked, staggered, and fell in your shoes, I never intended to love a gentleman who would later show me the mean, angry, and bitter side of himself. He had not only hid that side in the beginning from me, but from my family too. This book is every abused woman’s diary of poetry although based on one woman’s experience. The feelings and thoughts I express as it relates to being let down and abused by men at the mere age of 21 when most young women are supposed to be enjoying life. It also contains challenging questions similar to the ones in this article that encourages the reader to get back in touch with the things that once mattered such as your independence, love, freedom, peace, and more.

As women, we enjoy talking about the troubled souls around us, yet when it comes to evaluating ourselves, we avoid it like a plague. It’s time to take control over your life and do what makes you happy! There is no one in this world that will bother to take care of someone who has given up on her self. This is one of the biggest secrets that men who control women know about them and that is why he won’t hesitate to hit you and apologize just one more time, and then one more time, and on…and on…and on…until you defend yourself mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually.

 Nicholl McGuire

More insight and details about this writer's experience may be found at http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306/