Dr. Phil Video about Parent Playing Favorites, Daughter Upset

Didn't Choose Them

When I was a baby,

I was born to a lady

that I didn't choose

who easily blew her fuse.

 

Thought I had the best,

until she was put to the test.

Now this I must confess,

didn't know God to bless.

 

Then there was a dad,

who was sad.

I wasn't the little lad,

so he was mad.

 

Life didn't start with people

who ran and prayed under a steeple.

They weren't all nice,

nor did their words entice.

 

There was no different me

for the world to see.

I had to leave, I had to break free!

 

I was just like all the rest,

forced to do my very best.

Then later in life,

put parents to test.

 

No, I didn't choose them.

My past would get dim.

Had to live and learn,

get spiritual to discern.

Who was friend and

who was really foe?

Too many relatives put on a show.

 

Grew older, got wise,

could see between all the lies.

 

Had children of my own,

and oh, how they had grown!

 

Didn't think too much about my people,

still avoiding the Jesus that was on the steeple.

 

Now I'm not sharing for sympathy,

and could care less about empathy.

But what you need to know,

before I go,

is that there is more to life than putting on a show.

 

 

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog and others.  Check out her latest blog Face Your Foe Other blogs: Work Place Problems and Spiritual Poems By Nicholl.

When Loved Ones Grow Apart

It doesn't matter what the title the loved one holds, if he or she is a liar, cheat, adulterer, angry, bitter, or has a lifestyle that you don't agree with, you have a right to permit whoever you want in your inner circle.  Will you be judged, ridiculed, or treated badly by others for your actions?  Probably.  But the great thing about being an adult and having a mind and life of your own, you can call the shots in your personal life.  No government, religion, or anyone else can make you do anything with your mind unless you allow them to have it. 

Sometimes we permit people to be in our lives for a season because they are bringing something to the table.  They are helping us achieve certain goals, build us up, teach us, and more.  We may also be a help to them as well.  However, the relationship between parents, sibilings, and other relatives tend to take an ugly turn when one or both parties can no longer see eye to eye, don't see the purpose anymore of relating to one another, or have simply changed due to life events.  One or both no longer see any benefit in communicating, visiting, or assisting each other any longer.  This isn't necessarily a good or bad thing, it just is. 

People grow weary of negativity.  They get tired of the same conversations about the same people.  They desire to have a more uplifting and helpful kind of relationship that grows with them.  But what happens, is we all can become stale, boring, or even odd over the course of our lives and not everyone is going to keep welcoming us in their presence.  This is why some people truly stop calling or coming around.  Being busy is often true, but there is also a truth that many family members, neighbors, friends don't say because they don't want to hurt feelings, and that is, "I am so done with you...I'm over all of that!  Can't you get a life?!  Why do we keep talking about the same things?  Is there anything more going on with you besides...?"

There are those relatives who witness a once close parent and child relationship or siblings become distant and they hurt inside and want to see them interact like in the past.  But people change.  They just aren't going to remain the same for the rest of their lives, they will either get better or get worse. 

When life deals us a bad hand, we keep playing the game--we don't quit.  We strategize in such a way that we don't have to lose too badly.  Carrying negative people along in our lives will make us want to do things we don't want to do like quit the game of life ie.) marriage, raising children, relocating, etc. prematurely.  So if we are going to go down, we rather do it alone then with someone who may or may not know that he or she is helping us stay down with all his or her criticism, bad experiences, and overall miserable outlook on life.

So if you are one who is growing apart from some family members, don't look at it as a bad thing.  They don't even have to be negative people, just people you are no longer interested in.  Don't beat yourself up about it and don't take on any guilty feelings that others try to place on you because you have changed. 

Consider that for this time in your life, distancing yourself from certain people is giving yourself the permission to grow--to become the kind of person you want to be!  Now if you are the one who is concerned about others' familial relationships, know that people have their reasons as to why they behave like they do and it is just best to give them space; otherwise you get too much involved, those who are at odds with one another may turn against you one day.  Let time heal some wounds.

Nicholl McGuire

Take a Break from Relatives, Friends It's Okay

Between job and children, you simply don't have the time to call relatives or friends much less visit with them especially when you have personal and public challenges.  So why beat yourself up about connecting with loved ones?  Well sometimes guilt others place on us have a way of making us talk to people even when we aren't in the mood.  Other times we just feel this tugging on the inside that we should call someone.  Then throw in past regrets and before long you are in a cycle of needing someone to talk to even when it isn't the most wisest things to do when you are under a lot of stress.

Taking a break from relatives and friends is something that many people who feel obligated to everyone, but themselves, don't do.  They reason that someone will be offended, won't help them, or do other things all because they didn't return a call right away or stop by their home.  If it worries these people too much about what a relative or friend wants, they will not only call, but run to the person even when the issue is unimportant.  Now some individuals who don't feel so much pressure about talking or visiting others will let relatives and friends know in advance what is coming up and that they will be unavailable within a certain period of time.

People can only have as much access to you as you allow.  If what use to work for you is no longer working for one reason or another, you can change the relationship with a certain invidiual or group simply by establishing a new set of boundaries.  If you prefer someone don't contact you anymore, then avoid responding to this person the way you normally do by not inviting him or her to your home, share personal thoughts, family stories, etc.  Instead, state the truth in a way that brings you peace, if the person is doing or saying something that is bothering you and you don't like it, he or she most likely will be offended that you called him or her out on his or her behavior which just might work to your favor of not having to deal with this person in the future. 

Remember, you can't control how one is going to receive that truth, so don't try.  Besides, consider this free time as a test to see which relatives or friends are more interested in what you can do for them rather than what is in your best interest for the time being.

Nicholl McGuire

How to Live Guilt Free About Anything

How to Live Guilt Free About Anything

When to Cut Off Certain Family Members, Friends From Your Private Life

When to Cut Off Certain Family Members, Friends From Your Private Life

Daughters Need Fathers, Too

With the recent passing of a family member, I thought of the many obstacles the 40 plus year old woman had to go through.  She didn't have a close relationship with most of her relatives and she was always in search of love.  While growing up, the childless woman had a father who was more interested in people and things outside the home rather than his own family.  Not only that, there was favoritism her dad showed toward her brothers.  Having sons was a big deal during her childhood and many young girls, like her, felt that overwhelming desire to win over their fathers' attention.  So I take a moment to share this article with those parents who are expecting daughters as well as those fathers who might still have a chance to make wrongs right with their female offspring.  See here.

What You Shouldn't Say to the In-Laws When They Have Offended You

What You Shouldn't Say to the In-Laws When They Have Offended You

How to Handle House Guests That Stay Too Long

Some people just love your home, your children, you and whatever else that you have; therefore, they will invite themselves over and don't bother to go home--uh oh!  Read these noteworthy tips:  How to Handle House Guests That Stay Too Long

Good Times are Here Again! When You Have to Celebrate with Relatives

What is good about being with family, eating, drinking, being merry, and doing other things that a wise God in his Word has repeatedly warned us about, well you get to see some people that you most likely wouldn't see at their best any other time of the year.  But yes, we should watch as well as pray and not fill ourselves too much with food and drink.  There is always an enemy that would like nothing more than cause problems for you and your family.

The holiday season typically brings out the best in people.  Those who are often upset suddenly cheer up when they see something wrapped with a bow.  There are children who may not be polite on most days, but when they know they are getting something "fun, cool" out comes, "Thank you, yes ma'm...No sir."  Oh the joys of the holidays and those people we love!

So what are some things we all can think about this season to keep us happy and motivated to be around select people that we really don't like much while enjoying the company of others that we do like.

One.  Focus on people in attendance you do appreciate and spend time with them.  Take part in whatever they are doing so that you aren't busy with those people who annoy you.

Two.  Take up time with the children.  Playing with toys and listening to children talk will also keep you occupied, so that you don't feel obligated to sit too long with those individuals that bring you down.

Three.  Take lots of photos and video.  Once again, you are keeping busy so there isn't much time to listen to that one negative relative who sits in the corner always saying one thing or another about this person and that one.

Four.  Bring something to the gathering and share it with those who would find what you have interesting.  Of course, the busybody, the envious and others will also see what you have, but who cares?  You win friends and they just sit back and frown.

Five.  Show love even to your enemies.  Despite the rudeness or pompous behavior of certain relatives, you still thought about them whether you bring a card, gift card, an envelope with a little cash, or something else you think they might like, you are showing that you still care about them.  But your nice gesture doesn't mean, that you are a fool either.
 
Six.  Come up with an idea that keeps everyone smiling.  Whether you bring a funny video, sing a merry song, or do something fun online, share.

Seven.  Challenge a few to a favorite game.  This will also keep some of those negative people from raining down on your parade.

Well with all the things you have to do and all the people you will be talking to and entertaining, there just won't be any time to sit down with the trouble-makers, so don't.  When they call for you to come over, mouth, "Later, busy."  When you do finally sit down with them (have a witness), and don't get comfortable.  Avoid responding to comments that make you feel awkward, irritate you, or make you want to argue, "Oh, sorry you feel that way.  But honestly, now is not the time."  Get up and go about your way.  If things get out of hand, have someone go get the host.

Nicholl McGuire 

Family Intervention

The time has come to share news with a certain family member about some personal matters.  But some relatives just don't know what to say or do.  From secrets to personal feelings about the person, how do we handle such matters?  Well the question we all might want to ask ourselves first is, "What is it that I don't want to do?"  Because if you can get the negative issues out the way first, you might be able to reach some solutions faster.  The goal is to communicate certain information effectively that will eventually result in positive change, deliverance, assistance, or whatever else you and others in your family might be after from your loved one.

Let's say that you need to discuss money issues with a relative, but you don't know how to do it in a way that isn't going to cause a relative to accuse you of being a no-good, sneaky, downright, selfish gold-digger.  Consider the following: you don't want to talk about your needs, you don't want to tell the person right from the beginning what he/she should be doing with his/her wealth, and you definitely don't want to be standing in front of this person like a sniffling idiot who has a history of being foolish with his or her own money either.  Instead of doing any of these things,  you would talk about the recent string of events and what you were thinking when all those things were going on maybe the relative overspent and came up short with rent or gave someone money that he or she knows they can't afford.  Notice, you would focus on your relatives needs--the kinds of things that would most benefit him or her.  "Mom that money that was taken from you, could have been best used to pay your bills...I can't afford to help you..."  You would encourage others to share their observations.  You would also include how the relatives actions or inactions are making you feel.  For example, "I was hurt when you called me up about Johnny asking you for money yet again!  I wanted to beat Johnny up and you know that had I did that your son would have been in jail!  Would you want that?" 

Stay away from name-calling, accusatory statements, and belittling when confronting relatives on wrongs.  Never brag about how you or others that you know  have their lives together or what someone else has done in a smiliar situation.  You are not the one on the hot seat and no one really cares about who you know either.  Instead of focusing on getting your loved one some help, you have made their issue somewhat about you.  Other family members will turn on you when they see this sort of behavior occuring.  If I am that angry, bitter old relative, I don't want to be reminded about something I already know especially if your purpose for talking to me is to get me to handle my finances better, manage my household or treat others better.

Now for some family members they aren't going to take too kindly to any intervention where they are on the hot seat.  You most likely will have to be that one who acts strictly--you know the bad guy, who is really the good guy, for putting sickly mom away in a nursing home, taking her credit cards away because she can't pay her bills, or permitting any and everyone to take advantage of her.  If other family members are not willing to step up to the plate, you have no choice but to go do things alone without the support of others.

One thing you never want to do during a family intervention is show your full hand.  What I mean is, you don't want to expose everything you might be considering concerning your loved one.  A card player would never show his hand while a game is in play unless he has won.  You don't want to do that either.  For some family members who might have  prematurely spoken up about everything that is wrong about this person and that one, they usually are the last to know about things and the least liked.  Then there are those who if they know everything that you are doing or are going to do, they would block you from getting things done.  The worse mistake you can make, especially if you are the one who has the voice, power, money, etc. in the family, is to show your hand and you haven't even won the game yet!  Family members that cannot or refuse to help really have no say so during a family intervention although their opinions are welcomed.  Remember, don't act disrespectful toward them.  Sure, they may have some ideas, but you don't have to use them.

You also will want to get some boundaries established on what you will and will not accept prior to the family intervention.  You don't want to invest time or money on someone or something that simply isn't going to work.

Do take the time out to do further research on how to handle your specific family dilemma and what might be the best possible solutions.

Nicholl McGuire

Family Fights

It happens, family fighting.  You say something or they say something and now everyone says something.  You can run, but you can’t hide.  The words follow after you.  The emotions and re-runs of events permeate your mind, then what?  A pity party, the blame game, a moment of silence, a physical altercation, self-sabotage, or go make peace?  Your choice.