Sons with Mommy Issues - control, power, crazy-making

Sibling Rivalry over an Inheritance

10 Things that Occur in Relationships that Couples Avoid Sharing with Others

You notice the photographs of what appears to be happy couples posted on the social networking sites you have joined.  You see them walking down the street holding hands.  You are in awe of your favorite relatives’ relationships and you secretly wish that you could have what they have.  Yet, before you get too lost into what you think is a happy relationship, know that many couples have their share of issues and if you were to be a fly on the wall you would be shocked at what you saw.  

1. A partner’s personal body hygiene.

Although most women wouldn’t want the world to know their partners stink, some have gone publicly with what they discovered.  All that glitters doesn’t necessarily smell good so you might have read somewhere online with some celebrities.  A person’s hygiene says a lot about how they manage (or not) other areas of their lives.

2. Past issues like: cheating, threats of divorce, deaths in the family, financial woes, jail time, etc.

Sure, the seemingly sweetheart couple appears to be in love now, but you would never know how much they endured in order to get to that place.  They wouldn’t tell most relatives, because sometimes keeping major issues private draw couples close rather than far apart.

3. An incident(s) where one or both started physically fighting.

It would make sense why no one would ever hear about a couple’s physical altercations.  With the threat of going to jail as a result of dating or domestic violence, both would promise each other never to breathe a word.  Besides, if some relatives found out, the partner doing the fighting just might catch a bad case of being beaten to death depending on the family.

4. Awful lies that were told and continue to happen.

Disputes between couples about lying are all-too-popular from lying about what one views on the internet to where he or she went while a partner was sleeping.  Those in denial would never want to let family and friends know that they were right about their partner being sneaky, irresponsible, untrustworthy, etc. so wicked lies are often covered up until something really bad happens.

5. Appearance flaws.

Bad teeth, an unflattering part on the body or scar tissue from an accident, sometimes no one knows about these things but a partner. 

6. A child or children really not being one or both of the parents.

This is one of the best kept secrets for a time.  However, sooner or later a child’s features will reveal the truth.  From skin tone to eye shape, something just isn’t right.  Observers will talk, but the couple will refuse to tell the story.  Sometimes secrets like this do far more harm than good.

7. Weird fetishes, routines, and sexual desires.

As handsome as a man might look seated beside his beautiful wife, one may never know just how strange this couple might be behind closed doors.  Some couples participate in some very strange behavior that would leave many of us speechless.  Others have annoying habits that we would never tolerate if our partners were to do them.  Then there are those bizarre sexual things that happen at their home—you know the kind that you might want to be careful where you sit when visiting.  You also might want to be mindful of eating there too.

8. An abortion or miscarriage.

This is a painful secret that many women and men have gone to their graves with.  No one wants to be reminded of something that occurred in their lives that they may never be forgiven for, so these couples who have experienced such things, stay quiet.

9. Criminal issues like: stealing, rape, falsifying documents, fighting someone or group outside of the relationship, recklessly driving, etc.

Whether one or both in the relationship paid a fine or did some jail time, they wouldn’t want others to know about what happened for fear of being judged.

10. A threat or attempt to commit suicide or other mental or physical condition.

Couples who have been through much emotional and physical turmoil usually don’t want anyone to know about their challenges.  They find it difficult being around people who have not experienced what they have been going through.  Some not only keep secrets but avoid coming around family and friends during tough times for any number of reasons.

If you find that you are in a relationship like the one described or know a couple like this, do take the time to be understanding about how others might feel.  If you are typically open about your life and begin to shut others out, they will react negatively toward you, worry, and may even drop by your residence unexpectedly depending on how close they might be to you. 

There is nothing wrong about keeping your life with your partner private.  If more couples did, they just might discover that they will be much happier. 

Nicholl McGuire manages this blog and others like Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and When Mothers Cry 

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5 Reasons Why Grandchildren Don’t Come Around as Much

Some grandparents feel good when they see their family members, while others not so much.   Adult sons, daughters and children have their lives and sometimes those lives are purposely isolated for good reason or not-so good ones.  Consider what has recently occurred to cause sons and daughters and their families to not call or come around.  What life changes might they be experiencing?  Have you bothered to discuss what you are feeling lately about their distance?

1.  The parents are having difficulties and they don’t want your grandchildren to spill the beans.

Arguments, physical fights, silent treatment, and other issues that couples face with one another are not ignored by watchful children.  They listen to the disputes and if bothered by them, will not hesitate to share what they know with relatives.  A couple who wants their battles to remain private will be less likely to drop children off with grandparents.

2.  Schedules have become busier and there just isn’t time or possibly patience to visit.

Unfortunately to visit with some grandparents can be overwhelming especially when they have personality issues and are demanding expecting sons, daughters and grandchildren to assist with numerous tasks while visiting.  Some grandparents hope that relatives will stay all day at their residences.  A busy family with a busy life has little time for long visits and even less patience to deal with moody relatives, so they reason it’s just easier to avoid them.

3.  The grandparents have not shown a genuine interest in their sons and daughters’ families.

There are those grandparents who just don’t want to be bothered or reminded of how excitable children can be.  They also don’t want to deal with the burden that comes with caring for them.  This is why some grandparents make a point to leave the home, busy their selves, and do other things so that they don’t have to baby-sit grandchildren.

4.  Some grandparents are often critical, bossy, or nosy.

Negative comments about what one looks like, demanding that visitors help with household chores, and asking too many personal questions will create a tensed atmosphere.  When this happens, unruly children can be challenging to manage.  Therefore, to save a parent any additional headaches from both difficult grandparents and hyper children, they rather just stay home.

5.  Unchecked health ailments have pushed sons and daughters’ away rather than draw the family near.

Stressed adult sons and daughters and grandchildren are incapable of dealing with the emotions that come when a grandparent is ill or dying.  When this happens, they tend to become distant.  If you should notice these behaviors happening in your own family, this is no cause for alarm.  Rather than respond angrily, make snide remarks to your relatives’ faces or behind their backs, or attempt to make sons and daughters feel guilty about not coming around as much, live your life.  If you believe in a Creator, pray for them.  

You never know what life challenges they are trying to manage personally and professionally.  When they are ready to visit, you just might be pleasantly surprised. 

Nicholl McGuire is an author and inspirational speaker and this blog owner.

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New Year: New Look at Family - How Important are They Really to You?

How important really is family to you?  Now how important is the following:  marriage, job, education, retirement, housing, and more?  The real test of your love, loyalty and personal truth about family is when it is tested by all those other things that challenge your family. 

I learned over the years that everyone or everything else becomes more important when you are no longer in like or love with select family members or your family as a whole.  It's not right or wrong it just is.  We can' thrive anywhere with anyone without LOVE!  What you thought would never be more important than family becomes that when people show they no longer appreciate or love you.  You realize that without family support, traditions die.  You may be the only person cheering for family while others are deeply wounded by you or others.

Take a look at who you are mentally, physically and spiritually with or without family.  Does your world center around them?  If so, you will find yourself broken when they cannot return the favors you so generously gave them when you need them most.  Do you claim to love family so much that you are steering the entire ship without any input from those who are riding on it?  If so, you are controlling--you have a huge ego that needs to be cut down to size.  No wonder there are family challenges you might be overlooking.  However, there are those things that occur with family that are beyond our control.

Someone stops building/working/dreaming; therefore we can no longer proceed as a whole family.  We work with who is willing to maintain family going forward.  Sometimes it's just us for a season or a lifetime.  There are relatives who prefer to abuse and use others, rather than be kind and respectful.  Do we stay, tough it out and continue to experience abuse?  Of course, not.  However, for the sake of "family" some will go through much anyway.  Those who chose abuse placed generations under bondage too--choose wisely!

Listen to what you hear coming out of your family members' mouths, at times you may hear a bit of prophecy, a forecast, of what might be ahead for the family.  Would you be so bold as to ask them, "How am I doing?  Am I meeting your needs?  Do I allow you to be yourself, make decisions...Do you believe I love you?  What might you see in the future concerning our family?"  Some people who would dare ask these questions might be pleasantly surprised by the feedback or shocked. 

As the new year reveals truths about the future concerning our relatives and family friends--those good as well as evil, let us be conscious of the significance of quality family members who are currently in our lives.  Don't throw the baby out with the bath water this year!  Prepare yourself for major life storms from financial loss to death.  Most of all, remember you have a Creator who loves you more than you know!  Happy New Year!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.

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Victims of Abusive Fathers

At the time we were devalued was right around the time that we grew independently mentally and physically.  We started asking to go places like sporting events, the mall and other “cool” places and the answer was usually “No.”  We talked about the things we would like to do once we became older and the response, “You really want to do that?”  Followed by a criticism of what we were incapable of doing.  We blamed ourselves for the way they treated us verbally and/or physically when it was really about the abusers deficiencies and shortcomings.

They refused to see that they weren’t genuinely nice people and really could care less about our emotions.  They sought the benefits of our budding bodies.  For some abusive fathers it was sexual, but for others it was a need for a secretary, caretaker, landscaper, maid, or some other role that helped them meet their needs.

Faulty and negative feedback about things like:  your ambitions, friendships, work ethic or lack thereof was meant to control us.  We fought against the harsh criticisms whether verbally or nonverbally because we knew they were unfair, yet at the same time they kept us dependent and needy--the words felt like they were true even when they weren’t.  

Controlling people keep us from being true to ourselves and don’t support us having healthy relationships as we transition from childhood into adulthood.  To become independent, means that they lose their “helper,” “favorite,” “sweetheart,” or some other golden description to keep us under thumb.  Rather than respond to our lifestyle changes and choices in a healthy functional way, they grow increasingly distant emotionally, but increasingly demanding physically.  They expect more from you and will isolate you from others while gaslighting you during communication about your experiences with them.  They “never” or they “couldn’t of…” or “I don’t know what you are talking about I didn’t do…”

We either learn to speak positively about ourselves and establish boundaries when we recognize that what abusive fathers say or do is unhealthy or we go along with their programming to save ourselves any further physical punishment as a result of lashing back.  If we are lucky to get away, we do, but usually right into the arms of someone like our abusive fathers.  It is familiar ground with emotionally and physically abusive partners that we find ourselves fighting emotionally and physically to survive until we grow independent again.  

Focusing on the future and getting away from abusive dads is what keeps many victims sane--of course when there is a strong desire to move on and away from the abuser.  However, when there is not healthy self-talk the victim succumbs to the abusers toxic tactics to keep him or her under control.

Nicholl McGuire It's All in the Family Blog Owner and the author of Say Goodbye to Dad