Cold Empathy of Psychopathic Narcissists: Uncanny Valley

Excerpt from Say Goodbye to Dad - A Survival Guide to Breaking Free from Toxic Emotional Ties

Back in '96, I was 21 years old at the time and was in and out of an abusive relationship with an older man. My Daddy blues didn't come to light for me until years later when I decided to get married to someone else. It was then that I noticed there were so many similarities my mate and others had like my dad. A few were former military guys, had been to Germany, and came from large families, quiet, impatient, and hot-tempered. I was looking for something in my male partners to fill a void, but I had no clue what that could have been back then. In time, I gave my life to Christ and became saved. After that spiritual experience, little did I know that various personal issues in my life would be exposed. I share some thoughts about the partner connection in a later chapter.

The most important thing I learned about myself when it came to my relationship with my Dad was that I needed attention--a male figure that genuinely liked and respected me and wanted to know more about me. Up until that point, all I knew was that I had developed a pattern when it came to dating men that reminded me of my Dad. Later in life, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a disappointed daughter that was not going to get my emotional needs met from intimate partners, because I was looking for something in them that they simply couldn't fulfill--a father daughter bond.

“Many men operate off of the premise that if they weren’t involved in their daughter’s life as she was growing up that it is too late to make a difference,” Ken Canfield, speaker and author of Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers and The Heart of a Father, said on Firstthings.org/father-daughter-relationships. “Thinking that the die is cast or the deal is done because our children are grown is something we must re-examine, because it simply is not true. In a parallel vein, research shows the devastating impact of divorce affects adult children deeply. Contrastingly, the continued investment in your child’s life even when they are parents of your grandchildren will reap tremendous benefits for you and them.”

As I discovered more about myself, I observed that some men and women I knew personally and professionally had some daddy hang-ups too. Some of us weren't children of divorce and didn't have Dads that weren't living outside of the home, yet we had emotional issues. There were those of us who were looking for surrogate fathers through marriage, others who tried to make peace with the past after dads had died by leaning on many lovers and addictions, and those who had no clue where to begin when it came to connecting with their fathers because of old wounds, so they either created false stories or exaggerated events to ease the pain. Then of course, there were daughters who didn't have any problems that they could think of concerning their fathers. As for men I knew with broken relationships with their fathers either they didn't have their fathers around, didn't know him or he was around but was very demanding or ineffective--one of two extremes.

I didn't breathe a word to those who had what were seemingly healthy relationships with their fathers about anything negative concerning my family, because I didn't need or want their advice or pity. As far as they knew, "I have a good family...nice, kind, loving." Some of this had long been seeded in me by my parents even when I didn't always agree. Were they really as positive as I made them appear to be? Every so often, but the old mantra, "What goes on in this house stays in the house," played like a broken record in my head, because their parents told them the same thing. Even when I was really young, I knew there were some things being covered up, and my eyes didn't deceive me. I saw my parent's personality issues and weaknesses. I couldn't help but feel different, from time to time confused maybe even jealous when some friends talked so positively about their Dads and were all smiles when they hugged and joked with them. Many Dads, with military programming, come with much baggage and their families suffer more than they will ever tell. Throw alcohol in the mix with loved ones and you are in for a treat! When I was a child, there wasn't a family event that didn't include men pouring strong drinks and a few women taking their sips.

The nonfiction, self-help guide, Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire, touches on Daddy problems and solutions that will help disappointed sons and daughters get past personal pain and struggles and on to a path toward some healing and understanding! The daddy issues presented are those past offenses, unresolved dilemmas, hidden emotional pain, and memories of verbal and/or physical abuse that didn't easily go away no matter how old you are or how much you visit and/or talk with a father(s). Those daddy issues also come in the form of dating and marrying mature men old enough to be a Dad's brother or worse close to a grandfather's age. You might lean on these men for support and/or companionship. You look to them for comfort. But for many young, frustrated women they get nothing more than controlling partners who aren't interested in nothing more than someone to care for them like a daughter, have sex, or a baby.

Nicholl McGuire has written other family books including:  Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, When Mothers Cry, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, and dating books: She's Crazy, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, and Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.

Are You Ready to Die for Your Family, Job?

I know the headline seems a bit out there, but the truth is daily someone is dying for his or her family whether it is the one they grew up with or a new one.  They are doing any number of things for family, job, church, etc. that is putting so much stress on their hearts, minds, and spirits to the point that members end up visiting them in hospitals and the patients don't return home while others start showing signs of insanity.

Now I don't know about you, but I love my relatives, but not enough to want to end my life for them.  For those who have a faith, God intervenes only when we call out to him, but men or women are not to be placed on a throne and worshipped.  Far too often, people are esteeming loved ones while ignoring the God who created them.

When I was younger, I saw the pain, tears, frustrations, and fears of relatives who were so tired of being tired of running, crying, fighting, and pushing kinfolk to behave, to live right, to be there for children, etc. Now those people are gone, dead...their lives finished prematurely.  For decades, they ate, drank, and abused their bodies trying to escape their miserable situations that could have been prevented had they established some boundaries with toxic relatives.

How long does one continue to help someone in a hopeless situation that he or she continues to allow happen?

How long does a relative run to the aid of an individual who is controlling, lies, and doesn't even like or love his or her self much less anyone else?

How long does someone continue to accept another's abuse in the name of love?

How long, how long?

Are you ready to die for people who wouldn't even consider putting their lives on the line for you?

Nicholl McGuire

Parents Who Don't Like Your Children

Some parents just don't like their children.  You listen to their conversation and you think, "I'm sure your children don't like you either."  There is no judging, it just is.

Whatever moved parents and children not to like or appreciate one another has a lot to do with internal issues, some that just might be centered around mental illness, substance abuse, many disappointments, living vicariously through children who didn't meet standards, ineffective parenting, etc. 

There are many ways one can start on the path of healing a parent-child relationship such as: one-on-one counseling with a professional, personal study, faith, doctor's care, and more.  However, none of that can take place when one or both secretly have no desire to connect with one another, yet they might pretend to like one another--the bridge might have been brought down and there is no plan of rebuilding.  (So to the adviser who thinks that everything will work itself out "if this one does this or that..." save your breath.)

People need time to adjust their thoughts about themselves and others.  Sometimes they have spent far too many years with one another that they have burned themselves out.  They might have done some mean-spirited things that they know they can't fix.  You increase your chances of some kind of major falling out with a parent and other loved ones when you spend far too much time talking and visiting with them.

Parents sometimes don't like their children for some of the most juvenile or petty reasons.  Take for instance, the daughter who fails to run to a mother's rescue when she commands or the son who doesn't bother to stop over to see Dad when he is "in the mood" to see him?  So they hold grudges, change beneficiaries on policies, bad mouth their children to others, and then extract pity from those who don't have a clue as to what is really going on. (Check out Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire).

There might be someone in your circle that is saying and doing ugly things concerning their children.  Don't justify their wrong-doing or assume that everything they are saying about their kids is accurate especially when they are older.  Know that there are those parents who don't like their children and so they reap because of it.

Nicholl McGuire

War - Watching for the End - Personal, Public Battles

Brainwashing in the Family - Don't Know What to Believe, Who to Trust

Complain Too Much about Family, Friends?

Some people you know (might even be you) complain an awful lot about family members they supposedly "love so much" and "want what is best" but the truth is they are deceiving themselves to remain in relationships that often leave them feeling empty.

Relatives and friends aren't all good or all bad, but they exist and some either welcome themselves into your life or you invite them in to stay forever or always or kick them out.  The problem is that so many push away the wrong ones and keep the troubled folks near.  Why is that?  People with many issues like to stay close.  They are the ones who feed off the family love, respect, generosity and more and are also rewarded even when their mind and spirit aren't right.

The common belief is that because someone in the family is around meaning the one who is doing much that he or she should be compensated or given gifts just because.  But I disagree, I believe that God blesses those who are His own and not family favorites.

It's time to start thinking about those who smile in your face and often complain behind your back.  People who appear to be friendly, but are really more than nothing but vultures.  It is time to be free of status quo thinking of service equal reward and think more in terms of "What does my God think?"

Like the Israelites who complained much about their environment, what they ate, rules, and more, so too do ungrateful, rude, and backsliding family and friends.  Don't entertain them in your homes or welcome them to eat at your gatherings, negative people who are negative with others will eventually be negative with you.  We forgive but we don't forget about the lessons we have learned being mixed up with people even God has cursed.

Nicholl McGuire

Don't Argue With Crazy

The Pain of Knowing that This is the End

Brainwashing in the Family - Don't Know What to Believe, Who to Trust

Mental Illness - On Supporting People - RIP to a Loved One

The "I Don't Want to Do That" People, But God Says You Should