On Recognizing False Fronts: Smokescreens, Hypocrites, Liars

When Families Expect a Return on Their Investment - Food, Shelter, Sacrifice

No matter how much you or someone else thinks that a parent, grandparent, or other relative should be paid back "...after all I did for my son...my daughter..." think again!  The parent did nothing more for children then what is required by law--food, shelter, etc.  Now if Mom, Dad, Grandparents went above and beyond, that's great, but if all one receives is a "Thank you," be happy for that.  Don't expect frequent phone calls, cards that say "You're the best!" and other similar things. 


Sacrifices are made everyday for sons and daughters from the mother who chooses to quit a job and stay home with children to a father who takes on a job that pays him less so he can be available to his family.  So when that inevitable decline in one's bond with offspring begins here and there over a lifetime (20s, 30s 40s plus), why badmouth children, shoot messengers, act prideful, self-righteous or anything else?


The negativity arises in so many families when enablers act as if what a parent, grandparent or others have done is justified such as:  expecting a son or daughter to acknowledge a holiday, visit a relative, provide service, appreciation, etc.  Most enablers have not walked in the disappointed daughter's or son's shoes with a toxic family.  So they become nothing more than mouth pieces, not necessarily peace-makers, who attempt to make themselves feel good by saying nothing new, different, or beneficial.  They talk only to hear themselves speak and at times they are parakeets for the toxic relatives.  Getting involved in disagreements, especially involving mothers and daughters and fathers and sons as well as others, is tiresome and usually no good deed goes unpunished.


Consider what a parent or grandparent has done over time that has caused distance between not only one's children, but others in the family, friends, neighbors, etc.  Take notice when you or someone else is being used in a way that makes the trouble-making relative feel good.  Sooner or later he or she will be a problem for you or others you know, if not already.


Much of the fuss goes back to those days when a troubled parent felt he or she could control his or her children.  They used what they could like:  providing basic needs, periodic gifts, and service to gain control.  They convinced children that they sincerely cared, but in time selfish reasons were revealed. 


To think that one should receive a return on investment from children is unintelligent.  Think about the financial obligations they have that parents didn't or wouldn't help with.  The pain of losing a near and dear relative that may not have been that parent's favorite person.  The issues sons and daughters have to deal with in marriage, divorce, parenting, and more.  How foolish a parent, who has caused his or her share of emotional and/or physical drama with children on and off over a period of years, to even think sons and daughters should/better/ought to have a close relationship!


The truth is a family reaps what they sow even with descendants.  Take a moment to ponder on what you are permitting to go on with your own children and how your actions or in-actions are affecting your relationship with them in the short or long-term.  No matter what you do or don't for children, there will come a time or many times when they just aren't into family particularly when they are tired of being hurt by them.


Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.  

How Emotionally and/or Physically Abused Victims Cope

Handling Spiritual Trials with Ex Relatives

Two-Minute Therapy: Healthy Grieving - Making Peace With Loss, Death

Fathers Who are Distant from their Children for Things They Did

Social Anxiety Disorder: A Devastating Look Inside The Minds of Social A...

My Baby Wouldn't Hurt Anyone - When Mother Doesn't Want to Believe Her Child is Abusive

We have those family members who will tell the world just how much they love us.  They will fight, lie, create a protest, and do more when they know that someone has wronged us.  However, when you are guilty as sin, still some will defend you.  In the case of one mother that comes to mind, I realized that she truly loved her children unconditionally, but the fact remained she had raised abusive men.


The problem with entering into a family, with a long history of crazy-making disorders, is that no one wants anyone talking about their "Baby, My beautiful daughter and my good son..."  So if you are hell-bent on telling relatives that their loved one is "crazy, weird, abusive" or whatever else you know to be true, you could be opening up a Pandora's box.  You never know when that smiling in-law who claims he or she "understands...thanks for sharing..." is going to turn on you like a rattlesnake and bite you or worse take out their anger they have toward you on your children.  They didn't ask for or want you bringing them news they might already know and most likely don't want to hear again when they are too close for comfort with their babies.


That mother I spoke of earlier usually didn't like any of her sons' girlfriends especially after they said some sad, but true events about her babies.  After a good tongue lashing and/or some veiled threats from the controlling mother, those ladies went away with tails between their legs never to sit down in her presence with another unflattering word about her adult babies.


If you are a mother, keep in mind, that you are responsible for raising your child, but when he becomes a man, you don't throw the towel in, but you advise.  You don't shoot messengers, you use what you know and help your poor child.  You remind your sons and daughters of the pitfalls in life and what the consequences are when they cross others.  The mother's babies got lucky that the girlfriends' families didn't go after them.  And that's another thing, where are the fathers when your daughters are being used and abused?


Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

The Scapegoat is The Truth-Teller, Blamed for Everything, Shamed

Author of Know your Enemy: The Christian's Critic, Nicholl McGuire, shares her latest work, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, at Smashwords.com. In the book, readers are presented with observation, experiences, and advice from scapegoats' perspectives when it comes to dealing with the self-absorbed, often described as narcissistic, mother.

For years, sons and daughters who have viewed their families as dysfunctional and dared to speak out about the issues, are often quieted. They are told what to say, how to think, feel, and more. Siblings and others are recruited to turn against them. When they rebel against their programmers, they are made to look like they are crazy. They are blamed for one offense or another. They are used and abused. Whenever they present truthful family stories, offended relatives will twist words, lie about events, and bad mouth the scapegoats/truth-tellers in the family.

If you are the one being made to wear a scarlet letter in the family, don't worry there are many just like you. Learn more about narcissistic mothers in video below and also check out Nicholl's book,
Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, it's not just a book about a mother but many in similar roles who scheme to achieve devious plans.

The Threat of Losing Inheritance Money, Property, and More When You Anger the Wrong One in the Family

Some of our needy relatives and family friends can be bought with blood money, promises of money, and property.  You might be one of them who is acting well-behaved with the most difficult people in your family because of what has been promised to you.  So you put up with their negative comments, unreasonable demands, lies, and gossip while involving your spouse and children.  Your hope is that there will be a pay off someday for all your hardship.  But some of you learned the hard way after the deceased passed, you didn't get what you thought you deserved.

Many hopeful relatives were surprised when they discovered that much of what was promised by their kin was all smoke and mirrors.  They really thought by helping the so-called broke and busted in the family they would get blessed sooner or later.  They thought that if they assisted the rich in the family in getting richer by saving them money, they would get something that could pay bills off in return.  Whatever you might have did or are now doing for someone in the family who keeps promising they will leave something for you, help you, etc. take a moment, pause.  Is what you are doing for them really worth it?  Are your dreams of a better future because of their promises really accurate?  Can this person even be trusted?   Is there a better way to relate to this person or a better way out?  Difficult people with money are fickle and people without it are just as bad.

If you find yourself caught in a trap where someone has promised to give you something only if you do A, B, C and whatever else they come up with, know that they are setting you up to be used and abused for as long as your name sits on a policy, a will, a trust, etc.  Relatives like this don't love you, they love what you can do for them while feeling good having a bit of monetary power to flex in the family too.  When you stop doing, out comes the gifts to lure you back in or changes to the policies, legal documents, beneficiaries, and more when you don't perform like they wish.

If you are a believer, don't put yourself and others in bondage because someone is angry with you and has threatened to take what has been ordained by your heavenly Father for you.  I think of how God hated Esau because he sold what was due him for a bowl of soup.  If what is being given is filled with trouble, know that God didn't mean for you to have it anyway.  Don't learn the hard way like after the person dies; instead, free yourself now from the threats and promises and enjoy your life!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Are You The Go To Person, The Help or Peacemaker?

On Recognizing False Fronts: Smokescreens, Hypocrites, Liars