Tired of the Emotional Pain Caused by Relatives? Choose Your New Family

You grew up with them.  You know more about them than they care to admit.  They blamed you for things you did or didn't do.  They shamed you for being you.  They told lies then acted like they told the truth.  Your family.  Your good-for-nothing family!  Someone may have told you once, "You can choose your family."  Maybe it's time to let go of the old and welcome the new.

Too often people put up with so much from others because of titles, past favors, old gifts, fond memories, and more.  But when do you ever reach that point when you are free--totally free from the pain these people have caused you?

One-by-one my stable-minded relatives let go of the toxic kinfolk.  There was the uncle who often drank too much, bye!  The aunt who was out doing who knows what with who, bye!  The cousin who was often in trouble with the law, bye!  The beggar, the liar, the abuser, all gone!  The victims had enough of the pain.  It hurts to argue with a stubborn relative who refuses to see his own destruction.  It is exhausting reaching into the fire to pull someone out.  Heroes get tired of saving the damsel in distress.  Family eventually burn out from protecting family.

I recall there were relatives who looked much better when I bumped into them away from the family  holiday events. The survivors were no longer dealing with certain relatives.  Sure, they missed them from time-to-time, but they knew that of they let these people back into their lives, they would pay for old and new offenses.  It didn't help that the trouble-making relatives didn't let go easily.  They would lure their victims back in every now and again with a party invite, a sad story, a funeral announcement, a gift, or an offer to baby-sit.

What did it take for the survivors to finally let go and welcome new "family" into their lives?

1)  They found lives of their own.  They stayed involved with activities they personally enjoyed rather than go along with family tradition/programming.

2)  They found people who supported them mentally, financially, spiritually, etc. outside of the family circle.

3)  They refused to do what relatives wanted when they wanted and how they wanted; instead, they put themselves first.

4)  They stopped making excuses for disrespectful relatives.  They stood up to the bullies.

5)  They went low and no contact when boundaries were not respected.

6)  They didn't subject their children and grandchildren to toxic relatives and their lifestyles.

7)  They changed phone numbers, addresses, avoided online connections, etc.

I admired those who got free from my dysfunctional kinfolk.  I saw early on that they had been troubled far too long by them.  The survivors had chosen a different path, one of peace, prosperity, and protection.  They were deserving of their new found family and friends!  I am proud of them for it.  I too, had left, moved on.  It's a great feeling not to be shackled by others' dysfunction.

Nicholl McGuire

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5 Things to Do Stay Out of Family Dramas Before the Holiday Season Approaches

Holiday seasons can make or break families.  Some trouble-making relatives simply don't want to mind their own business, behave themselves, or act respectfully around others.  So with that said, you will want to be proactive in protecting your mind, body and spirit this upcoming season while alerting those closest to you that you don't want to be bothered with the gossips, liars, braggarts, or drunkards in your family or others.

Here are a some things you can do to keep the family drama at bay.  Remember, the more involved you are with certain family members, the more likely you will find yourself in the middle of some nonsense!

1)  Stay busy with your own task list.  Don't offer service and don't expect others to help you with your holiday plans.

If you are busy, you won't have any idle time to participate in the latest family drama.  You also won't be available to offer service or ask for help.  In some cases, no good deed goes unpunished.  Picky, petty and controlling types will not be satisfied with your assistance no matter what you do!  Lazy, rude or manipulative relatives may appear helpful initially, but in time they will make a mountain out of a molehill regarding your holiday planning requests.

2)  Avoid answering the phone or visiting those relatives who merely want to talk about what everyone else is doing.

So much time is wasted because someone wants you to be available to listen to their comments, complaints, concerns, etc. about someone else.  Is it any wonder why unflattering information gets passed around by the gossips?  Feed into the b.s. and you will surely be caught in their web of destruction sooner rather than later.

3)  Safeguard your wallet by not offering or promising to buy any items for anyone when you know that your funds are running low.  Don't expect others to buy you and your family members anything.

You will surely be let down if you are relying on petty people to make you and your family happy this year with their cheap gifts.  When you know that money is tight, why upset a spouse or children by trying to impress others with pricey gifts?  Stay quiet about buying anything or wanting anything in return.  Meanwhile, you just might hear how others are such a burden for expecting relatives to buy them as well as their children. 

4)  Opt out of preparing holiday meals when once again you know you can't afford it.

The irritation and anger shows up out of nowhere when you are spending money you really don't have on things that will bite you in the butt later!  Just because someone else wants to holiday plan, doesn't mean you have to.

5)  Don't involve anyone in past or current conflict concerning your relatives.  Teach children to stay out of grown folks business!

Children, believe it or not, can be a source of confusion and misery during holiday seasons.  They are desiring any number of things: a new pet, divorced parents reconciled, expensive gifts, lots of money, college funds...whatever someone has manipulated them into believing.  When the negativity begins to arise in children, put a stop to it quickly!  Explain your situation as well as scold rebellious children.  Difficult young people can easily be used by mean-spirited adults to carry negative information about you as well as others, don't fuel the fire!

When people are getting along, the holiday season comes and goes without conflict, but when people are at war with one another before a holiday season, all hell breaks loose sometimes sooner rather than later.  Know who your family foes are and avoid them like a plague!

Nicholl McGuire

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7 Signs a Parent or Grandparent is Just Not into You and Your Family

When one feels like he or she is not welcome in a family, it can be difficult to believe this especially around the holidays.  Sometimes it is assumed that because it is a holiday season everyone will treat you and your family well, but this isn't always the case.  Unresolved issues, past disputes, gossip, lies, and more will keep some relatives from connecting with those they deem trouble-makers.  But how can you tell if the family appears like they are polite and welcoming even though you have a feeling they don't care for you and others?

One.  Kinfolk (including a partner or exes relatives) expresses no interest in you or your family's holiday celebrating.

Two.  The relatives explain to you why they will not be buying gifts this year, yet you find out that certain family members received gifts.

Three.  You or children may have got something from them, but it wasn't much or needed.  They didn't bother to ask you what you could use.

Four.  You find out that a parent or grandparent has repeatedly talked negatively about you to your siblings and other family members.

Photo by William Krause on Unsplash

Five.  They don't bother to call or come around whether during a holiday season or not.

Six.  When you speak to them or see them out on the street they don't bother to ask about your family.

Seven.  They are not helpful or kind when you and your family are in need.

After years of dismissing signs, at some point you come to the realization that you are the one who is reaching out to relatives even when they are not very nice, generous, or appreciative of you and your family.  In time, your efforts begin to diminish, sometimes this is noticed and relatives might accuse you of acting indifferent.  However, you know the truth.  Safeguard your children from tension filled atmospheres and negative family members.

Nicholl McGuire is the owner and contributor of this blog.

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