Children Burnt Out with Holiday Events

Victims of Abusive Fathers

At the time we were devalued was right around the time that we grew independently mentally and physically.  We started asking to go places like sporting events, the mall and other “cool” places and the answer was usually “No.”  We talked about the things we would like to do once we became older and the response, “You really want to do that?”  Followed by a criticism of what we were incapable of doing.  We blamed ourselves for the way they treated us verbally and/or physically when it was really about the abusers deficiencies and shortcomings.

They refused to see that they weren’t genuinely nice people and really could care less about our emotions.  They sought the benefits of our budding bodies.  For some abusive fathers it was sexual, but for others it was a need for a secretary, caretaker, landscaper, maid, or some other role that helped them meet their needs.

Faulty and negative feedback about things like:  your ambitions, friendships, work ethic or lack thereof was meant to control us.  We fought against the harsh criticisms whether verbally or nonverbally because we knew they were unfair, yet at the same time they kept us dependent and needy--the words felt like they were true even when they weren’t.  

Controlling people keep us from being true to ourselves and don’t support us having healthy relationships as we transition from childhood into adulthood.  To become independent, means that they lose their “helper,” “favorite,” “sweetheart,” or some other golden description to keep us under thumb.  Rather than respond to our lifestyle changes and choices in a healthy functional way, they grow increasingly distant emotionally, but increasingly demanding physically.  They expect more from you and will isolate you from others while gaslighting you during communication about your experiences with them.  They “never” or they “couldn’t of…” or “I don’t know what you are talking about I didn’t do…”

We either learn to speak positively about ourselves and establish boundaries when we recognize that what abusive fathers say or do is unhealthy or we go along with their programming to save ourselves any further physical punishment as a result of lashing back.  If we are lucky to get away, we do, but usually right into the arms of someone like our abusive fathers.  It is familiar ground with emotionally and physically abusive partners that we find ourselves fighting emotionally and physically to survive until we grow independent again.  

Focusing on the future and getting away from abusive dads is what keeps many victims sane--of course when there is a strong desire to move on and away from the abuser.  However, when there is not healthy self-talk the victim succumbs to the abusers toxic tactics to keep him or her under control.

Nicholl McGuire It's All in the Family Blog Owner and the author of Say Goodbye to Dad

Family Holiday Drama - The Planning, The Ingrates and The Regrets

It happens every year, someone is upset about what took place at the last holiday event.  He or she will either vow to get even or show up wearing a fake smile while holding in feelings of resentment, jealousy, anger, or other negative emotions.

Much of the drama centers around individuals who simply refuse to behave.  The host spends many hours and much money planning for the ingrates who show up while later having his or her regrets for even getting the family together in the first place.

What most people can do to stay out of the family drama is keep quiet on the controversial topics and avoid the statements that are supposed to be out of fun or love.  Think of family get-togethers like professional social mixes, you wouldn't say whatever you want at those functions for fear that you might lose your job, so why do it at a family holiday event that might cost you your relationship with favorite relatives?

When we think of family holiday events, we often think of the holiday cheer that we see on television screens.  Of course, we would like that too, but oftentimes that's not what we get.  Instead, we notice the ungrateful child or adult in the group sighing about something he or she did or didn't get.  Those who complain a lot about everything from how much something costs to how much gift-wrapping paper is on the floor tend to add to holiday challenges with their negativity.  The holidays isn't all merry and bright as one might think when troubled people show up to trouble others.

This is why choosing carefully who you and your family might spend the holidays with is crucial.  Bad memories don't go away easily when celebrating supposedly good times with bad kinfolk.  Family don't always forgive and forget and when an offense occurs, intimate relationships and generations are impacted!

When you are the host you must think twice who you might invite to your holiday celebrations.  Many objections coming from relatives regarding certain unfavorable family members is cause for concern, take heed.  You don't want to participate in anything you may later regret.

Have a wonderful holiday season free f the family drama!

Nicholl McGuire
Blog Owner of It's All in the Family and Author of When Mothers Cry

Choosing Your Family Wisely

Codependent Enmeshed Relationship with Mother

Emotionally and Physically Unavailable

On Going Low or No Contact with a Parent

Covert Hate Toward Children

1 of 2 Childless Man Believe God's Promise

Listener requested - Enablers who Protect the Narcissists

Clever Manipulative Mother-in-Laws

Listener Requested - Narcissistic Abusive Adult Children