When I was a child I had no choice but to witness
relatives
arguing and physically fighting about any number of issues. I felt afraid,
worried, and saddened sometimes for days after their emotional outbursts. It
was hard to concentrate on studies and listen to adults’ requests when the
concern was always there, “What if I do this wrong…say that…will I get hurt
too?” Sometimes I got it wrong and before long I was being yelled at or
threatened.
By the time I got older and
stronger I stopped being afraid and I stood up to the bullies in the
family.
I learned that you can avoid family fights very easily if
you are willing to make some changes and not be a part of the action from the
start. So the following is a list of true and tried things I did over the years
and I hope that what I share helps others.
1) Don’t visit anyone’s home that has a long history of
drinking, drug use, and emotional highs and lows. Simply put, you are asking
for trouble when you do. Cast aside the endearing titles and look at the person
for who he or she is, “Is my ________ really acting like a friend to this
family or a foe?” Then make arrangements not to keep going around this person
especially with watchful children in tote.
2) Avoid arguing by walking away. Don’t turn your back on
the argumentative individual, but do get out of the setting where he or she
feels like it is okay to go off on you as well as others. When you turn your
back, you are also putting yourself at risk of being blindsided by one’s hits
or a flying object.
3) Don’t expect to be heard. No matter how much you say
things like, “I am just telling you this because I love you…I want what is best
for you…Will you just listen to me?” Difficult people will not hear anything
good under stress. You can talk until you are blue in the face and they will
still see things in the way they want. Save your breath.
4) The Know-It-Alls
in the family feed off of confusion so as to appear all-knowing, peacemakers,
and anything that makes them look and feel good. When in the presence of
know-it-all family members, don’t say too much. This way there is nothing that
they can use to debate about. Sometimes a head nod is all you can do with some
of these folks even a “How are you?” in what sounds like the wrong tone to them
will be taken to mean something else.
5) Find the time to be around the family members and friends
you do enjoy. Sometimes the only way you are going to have the kind of fun you
want with your favorites is making arrangements with them only. Skip the
family holiday events and invite them when you get ready. Sure, the naysayers will
talk, so what! You are welcome to connect with whoever you want when you
want--that is the benefit of being an adult, so act like it.
6) Lastly, know your limits. You can establish boundaries by
telling a relative or family friend upfront what you don’t want to talk about
and if the matter is brought up you will shorten your visit. When you feel the
heat rising up in your chest and you feel like you are ready to explode because
your request was violated, excuse yourself, count to 10. Alert your partner,
“It’s time to go,” pack up the children, and head on out the door. Why make
yourself stay in a setting that is obviously making your blood boil?
I have two books I would like for readers of this blog to
purchase if you find yourself having to deal with family related issues
involving a matriarch or patriarch. See
Say Goodbye to Dad and Tell Me Mother You’re Sorry by Nicholl McGuire. These books
were written for those who are either thinking of going no contact, low
contact, or have memory of a difficult parent and find yourself doing similar
things. These books are great reads for those who have challenging in-laws as
well. Get both books today!
