Your Lying Relatives - Why Do You Put Up with Them?

They post photos up on social networks boasting of people they claim to know real well, tell you stories about life events that supposedly happened, make promises they will do things but don't follow through, and at times remain quiet about truth while letting you believe family lies.  These liars in our families are often exposed sooner or later.  I think of a few who used distractions every time they were called out on their foolishness. 

With smiles on their faces, they talk of other things that have little to do with the lies they have told in an attempt to make you forget about what they said.  These manipulators exaggerate, pretending to know more than what they do.  They say they don't like certain family members, yet they tell these same people much about their lives and others.  Liars in the family come in all shapes and sizes, attend churches, hold leadership positions in organizations, do nice things for others, and appear to be harmless, sweet little old ladies and gentlemen.

Some of you fall for the lies!  You treat the whistleblowers in your family like plagues, because the liars don't want you becoming too close to them.  You are told, "That one is crazy...She doesn't know what she is talking about...You know she is known for...He said that because he is just angry..." But the one the liars speak of is the truth-teller.  Those relatives who expose wrong-doing are shouted down, ignored, made fun of, and cast aside.  It isn't any wonder that some truth-tellers don't come around the family anymore.

The real trouble-makers are those gossiping matriarchs in the family that use food and material wealth to win friends, ignorant patriarchs who have nothing better to do than to enable the liars in the family, and users and abusers who look and dress quite nicely, but on the inside are toxic shooting poison wherever they go.  Every now and again the so-called "nice," "fun" show their true colors, pretending to like, love relatives when they really could care less.

Your lying relatives believe the hype surrounding some of the successful family members, but little do they know that their matches were lying to them!  The prosperous will lie to obtain their wealth, exaggerate events during travels, and send even children to private schools while claiming they can afford them.  Relatives don't always connect the dots to learn that applications were falsified, activities didn't necessarily happen the way they told them, and more.  Lies fly out of mouths like salesmen trying to convince you to buy a lemon for a car.  Most individuals never bother to question liars' shady activities.  Why suddenly does someone who claims to have no money is out buying much?  Why are relatives told one thing, but certificates, paperwork, and other documents reveal a different story?  Most family members unaffected by the lies don't ask questions, but those who believe in holding relatives accountable and are simple weary of their story-telling will!

Don't walk softly around liars, ask for the truth and when it isn't given, it is safe to say you have a liar in your circle, mark them as such and create distance.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, When Mothers Cry, and other books. 

Honoring and Dishonoring Parents (made with Spreaker)

Petty Relatives - Be One Step Ahead Before, During, and After a Dispute

They will get on your nerves, do stupid things, make snide remarks, and participate in deceitful things, people like this are often petty.  If you have a dispute with them, look out!  There are some tips you might want to consider when dealing with them if a quarrel should break out.

1.  Prior to being in the presence of a petty relative, know what you are getting yourself into when you talk with them.  They usually have a history of angering others, so don't think you are special.  The party is over if you should look at them wrong, say something offensive, or make them feel unimportant.  The key to winning with them is don't talk about you, ask questions about them.  Avoid offering your personal opinion especially if it isn't flattering.  Compliment them much.

2.  If a dispute breaks out, you could keep talking and talking, but childish people will only use what they know to get back at you.  At some point, you will realize you are getting no where, so change your attitude, and move out the presence of the petty person.  They will talk to whoever about whatever you said or did, but at least you don't have to continue putting up with their behavior.

3.  Remind yourself why you really shouldn't be breaking bread with the individual, accepting his or her invites, entertaining phone calls, and more.  Shut this person out of your life especially when you don't rely on him or her for anything.  But if you do, gradually redirect your dependence elsewhere and find a support system apart from the immature individual.

More on petty people/relatives...

1.  They are easily irritated, often impatient and can be very rude.

2.  They are more interested in talking about how people look, what they say, and things related to material wealth then thinking about important subjects that matter.

3.  They hate being wrong and will look for ways to make them appear right.  If anyone should talk to these petty people about issues they have had with others, they will come across as righteous, ignorant, and/or harmless.  "I wouldn't know why she acted like that at the party...we have done so much for her.  I couldn't imagine what was going on inside of her head," says the petty relative.  Meanwhile, the individual provoked an argument by saying and doing things to irritate others.

If you should encounter someone like this in your family, do everything in your power not to spend too much time with them over the phone, in-person or elsewhere.  He or she will only bring you down.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad

Power and Control: The People in Your Life that Have Far Too Much Access

Family Medical History

Family Manipulation - Emotional Blackmail

Controlling Parents-Understanding The Real Motive-(Emotions We Are Taught..

Tell Me Mother You're Sorry by Nicholl McGuire Excerpt Chapter 9

Tell Me Mother You're Sorry by Nicholl McGuire Excerpt Chapter 6 "She Knows Best"

On Recognizing False Fronts: Smokescreens, Hypocrites, Liars

When Families Expect a Return on Their Investment - Food, Shelter, Sacrifice

No matter how much you or someone else thinks that a parent, grandparent, or other relative should be paid back "...after all I did for my son...my daughter..." think again!  The parent did nothing more for children then what is required by law--food, shelter, etc.  Now if Mom, Dad, Grandparents went above and beyond, that's great, but if all one receives is a "Thank you," be happy for that.  Don't expect frequent phone calls, cards that say "You're the best!" and other similar things. 


Sacrifices are made everyday for sons and daughters from the mother who chooses to quit a job and stay home with children to a father who takes on a job that pays him less so he can be available to his family.  So when that inevitable decline in one's bond with offspring begins here and there over a lifetime (20s, 30s 40s plus), why badmouth children, shoot messengers, act prideful, self-righteous or anything else?


The negativity arises in so many families when enablers act as if what a parent, grandparent or others have done is justified such as:  expecting a son or daughter to acknowledge a holiday, visit a relative, provide service, appreciation, etc.  Most enablers have not walked in the disappointed daughter's or son's shoes with a toxic family.  So they become nothing more than mouth pieces, not necessarily peace-makers, who attempt to make themselves feel good by saying nothing new, different, or beneficial.  They talk only to hear themselves speak and at times they are parakeets for the toxic relatives.  Getting involved in disagreements, especially involving mothers and daughters and fathers and sons as well as others, is tiresome and usually no good deed goes unpunished.


Consider what a parent or grandparent has done over time that has caused distance between not only one's children, but others in the family, friends, neighbors, etc.  Take notice when you or someone else is being used in a way that makes the trouble-making relative feel good.  Sooner or later he or she will be a problem for you or others you know, if not already.


Much of the fuss goes back to those days when a troubled parent felt he or she could control his or her children.  They used what they could like:  providing basic needs, periodic gifts, and service to gain control.  They convinced children that they sincerely cared, but in time selfish reasons were revealed. 


To think that one should receive a return on investment from children is unintelligent.  Think about the financial obligations they have that parents didn't or wouldn't help with.  The pain of losing a near and dear relative that may not have been that parent's favorite person.  The issues sons and daughters have to deal with in marriage, divorce, parenting, and more.  How foolish a parent, who has caused his or her share of emotional and/or physical drama with children on and off over a period of years, to even think sons and daughters should/better/ought to have a close relationship!


The truth is a family reaps what they sow even with descendants.  Take a moment to ponder on what you are permitting to go on with your own children and how your actions or in-actions are affecting your relationship with them in the short or long-term.  No matter what you do or don't for children, there will come a time or many times when they just aren't into family particularly when they are tired of being hurt by them.


Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.  

How Emotionally and/or Physically Abused Victims Cope