Friday, November 1, 2013

7 Reasons Why Parents will Limit Visits or Stop Permitting Children to See Grandparents

Some parents have a short memory when it comes to the negative things they do and say to their children and grandchildren whether to their faces or behind their backs. People who feel negative emotions from others will not stay in their presence for long. They will attempt to rid themselves of further pain, shame, anger, and more by keeping their families away from hurtful people. Although siblings and other relatives and friends may not comprehend why a parent would limit his or her visits with grandparents or cut them off altogether, consider this, they have good reasons as to why they do what they do. So before one judges, be mindful of the ungodly people and things you are exposing your children to on a daily basis. Could it be that you and your family ought to do some cutting too--possibly in different areas of your lives? As with all people, titles are to be earned. What might have caused a rift between grandparents and their children and grandchildren in the first place?

1. They despise the grandchildren’s parent(s) and the parents despise their parents/in-laws.

Much heartache, headache, and upset stomach worrying over the years about one’s rebellious son or daughter or "no good" son or daughter-in-law, doesn’t make anyone feel good. Sons and daughters turn on parents and vow to never come around them for one reason or another. Some grandparents think of money used over the years to bail out one’s son or daughter and other helpful things done, may not look forward to seeing son, daughter or children, because money wasn‘t paid back, favors weren‘t returned, or negative gossip reached their ears. A grandparent holding feelings of resentment and anger will not be easy to get along with and neither will the children; therefore to avoid argument, back-handed remarks, and other issues, a son or daughter won’t bother to come around often, if at all, with grandchildren and grandparents won‘t encourage or invite them either.

2. They are jealous.

Believe it or not, there are parents who are jealous of their sons and daughters’ lives especially if they have far exceeded their expectations. If mom or dad was the one who was always bad-mouthing their children as they grew up, he or she may not be that proud of them as one might claim. Parents notice negative behaviors, favoritism of other siblings, and will hear statements that sound more like put-downs then praise; so to keep their children from having to see how mean-spirited mom or dad can be, they limit visits with them until they can’t stand to come around anymore.

3. They are controlling.

Sons, daughters and grandchildren aren’t permitted to do or say much in the presence of certain grandparents; therefore, a parent will feel constant tension bringing one’s children around his or her mother or father. Since there is no way to make one’s parents stop doing something that is causing friction between parents and grandparents while scaring young children, some families will just stay away.

4. They don’t like children much.

As much as we would all like to think that grandparents look forward to seeing grandchildren, think again! Not all like or want to be around them. There are those grandparents who have spent most of their youth helping others raise children, then they had children of their own that they didn‘t plan for. With so many children and little time for self, some have reached a period in their lives that they are quite burned out with small misbehaving children, rebellious teens, and know-it-all young adults. Don’t be offended, if anything, consider this a warning not to drop your children off with someone who is burned out, otherwise deal with the consequences.

5. They are impatient.

Children require patience, but some adults just don’t have any and will blow a short fuse over the littlest of things. A parent who doesn’t want his or her children witnessing or experiencing things he or she may have saw growing up with an impatient parent will keep them away from anger outbursts comprised of yelling, violence, swearing, etc. Most parents don’t want their children growing up with similar negative memories.

6. They are too busy/ill/lazy to maintain household, much less, welcome company.

Some parents simply won’t bring children around grandparents, because they are unclean or often sickly. Bad odors, dirty floors and walls, stained tables, and clutter, parents don’t want to have to manage their parents’ household in addition to their own every time they come for a short visit. Besides, an unclean, cluttered home that could be managed by an able-bodied grandparent says one thing, “We didn’t bother to clean, because we aren’t interested in you coming to see us.” While others, who can do for themselves, don’t bother to do much, because they hope that children and grandchildren will come to one’s home to clean, repair and organize it.

Parents who are cautious about the well-being of their children won’t continue to bring them to environments full of harmful bacteria, allergens, illness, rodents and insects. If a grandparent’s health isn’t very good, consider checking into programs that assist the elderly with errands, house cleaning, meals, healthcare, etc. Some services are free if a grandparent income qualifies, meets age requirements, lives in a certain area, and other things.

7. They are unforgiving.

From what a child broke during the last visit to a liquid spilled on one’s expensive area rug, the last visit was a disaster; therefore, the bitter grandparent(s) has acted in unforgiving ways toward one’s grandchildren. To flippant remarks to finger-pointing about most anything, the family notices the grandparent’s negative disposition and will visit less frequently until eventually giving up altogether. No parent wants to hear about everything that is wrong with one’s child every time they visit a relative or friend.

A grandparent should not worry over why a son or daughter is not interested in family celebrations, attending funerals, assisting an ailing parent, or anything else related to them when he or she knows what one’s relationship with a son or daughter really looks like. A son or daughter who doesn’t feel comfortable leaving one’s children with grandparents or in-laws shouldn’t. There are other ways to connect children to grandparents via telephone, mail, school events, parks, family restaurants, etc. other than one’s home. Further, if the visits with grandparents are bringing on upset emotions every time you bring your family around them, limit the time you are spending with them or cut them off completely. As a result, feelings of guilt may surface, old memories might taunt you, but whatever you are going through, find ways to bring peace to your mind. Utilize your faith, speak truth to parents, hear your family concerns, and most of all protect your children.

There are those fantasy relationships that parents create, based on others’ positive experiences with their families, and then there are those painful scenarios that include grandparents who are not what they appear to be. Therefore, a son or daughter who doesn’t want to revisit the past, but rather continue to heal, while having hope for a positive future, will protect his or her children from the verbal and/or physical abuse that he or she endured growing up from misguided parents.

Nicholl McGuire is a blogger, internet content producer, and does other things on and off the Internet, learn more about her here.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Are you the emotionally, physically abused daughter or do you know one?

You may know her or be that one who is recovering from all the hardship of being raised by a parent who was emotionally and physically abusive toward you.

From name-calling to harsh punishment over things like:  low grades, talking back, being dishonest, crying too much, failing to comprehend commands, or not moving fast enough when an adult demands you act a certain way.  You or someone you know may not have the best private or public relationship with others.

People who have not walked in your shoes find it hard to understand why at times you tend to be absent in mind, body, spirit, or all three when interacting with them. Yet, what they fail to realize is that unlike them, what seems like meaningless statements, requests, or facial expressions, trigger emotions deep inside of you that isn’t always polite, nice, sweet, or kind.  You just might check out at times and forget for a moment what you were saying or doing. 

Sometimes abused female teens and women jump to conclusions, feel like they want to bite someone’s head off (especially during the menstural cycle or menopause), and might even cut the offenders out of their lives for what appears to be the littlest of things. For the one who has been abused, negative thoughts and reactions are normal. For onlookers, they determine one is crazy, strange, or needs some mental help like yesterday.

A strong-willed daughter, who might not be close to her father or mother, is going to function in society with hang-ups and handicaps.   She will go on to have somewhat healthy relationships, and take care of herself with proper guidance. If anything, for some abused women they do far better than others who were raised in so-called normal homes, because in their minds, they have something to prove. Dad said she was dumb and wouldn't do well in life, mom doubted her child was mentally stable, relatives found her peculiar, friends didn't quite understand her, yet she survives!

Survivors of emotional and physical abuse desire to be better than their controlling, abusive parents who most often had a mental disorder or two of their own, but may have never been diagnosed. The formerly abused want to treat others kindly and live a life that is relatively drama free! They aren’t asking for much, but for some women, trouble tends to follow them and remind them of their ugly past.

Present demons have a way of tempting the emotionally wounded daughter to hurt herself or someone else by picking with her.  They find faults where there are none, play mind games, deny insults and assaults, and act as if everything is okay when they are the creators of the dysfunction.  Therefore, the emotionally wounded daughter is once again disturbed by those who she thought loved her. 

It seems that some women just can’t seem to come up higher or get a break from emotional turmoil. They are attracting men and women like themselves, because sometimes what is familiar appears like it is okay when it is not.  Maybe for a time some abused women appear like they have a better command over their emotions, but when triggered, look out, all hell is going to break lose!

How can one keep his or her daughter out of danger from self and others? Well for starters, watch what you say and do.  Try to stay positive and do what is right, see yourself for who you really are when she points out how you might have hurt her.  Hurt people tend to repeat the same abuse or react in ways that look similar to their abusers if they never got any help for their personal demons. 

Reader, if you have unresolved issues, you can’t help others, not even your own children. They will see your faults and emulate them if you don’t bother to open up your mouth and say, “I am wrong. You don’t want to act like me or make the decisions I have made in life. Let me show you some good examples.”  Seek out a support system that can give you all immediate help.

Most self-righteous, prideful individuals, that don’t want to be held accountable for causing others harm, will refuse to humble themselves and admit failure. They rather blame a helpless child for their negative reactions. They prefer to look the other way when accused of unrighteous behavior. They rather ignore those who say, “I remember when you…” The controlling parent says, “Get over it…don’t hold things against me, I’m not perfect. Think about the good I have done for you!”

Telling someone to move on when they don’t know how to or can’t is not going to do anything more than create a deeper wedge in the relationship. 


Nicholl  McGuire Author and Poet http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com

Her books include:
Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic https://www.createspace.com/3437273
When Mothers Cry https://www.createspace.com/3393499
Laboring to Love Myself https://www.createspace.com/3401526
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate https://www.createspace.com/3332346
Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/904839
Spiritual Poems By Nicholl http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/3113926

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

6 Things Relatives Will Do When They are Harboring Ill Feelings Toward Others

Whether you or someone you know offended mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, or someone else, there will be an unexplainable tension--a subtle feeling that someone doesn't like you as much as they use to, or some other negative emotion you will experience when in this person's presence, over-the-phone, or via email.

You may have been the one who made a statement that one who feels he or she is always right, honest, and great to get along with would disagree.  You might have overheard someone say something about you.  But whatever the offense, ill feelings will fester and rise over and over again until they are released.  Sometimes the release comes in ways that will leave people angry, bitter, confused, and unwilling to maintain a relationship/friendship with certain relatives.

So what are some things that your relatives might do when they are holding negative feelings toward other family members?

1. Badmouth them.

2. Lie or create stories that make them appear like they are the good guy.

3.  Spy or eavesdrop on conversations in the hopes that they will find out something that will add to their negative emotions.

4.  Act unfriendly.

5.  Start a fight with the one who offended them and anyone who is acting nicely toward the disgruntled family member's enemy.

6.  Be disrespectful, rude or arrogant so as to appear like he or she is more intelligent, wealthy, or favored by other family members.

There are plenty more, but these six points will help you spot a person who has issues with you or someone else in the family.  Be prepared for sudden anger outbursts, petty behaviors such as: loud yelling, name-calling, hurtful remarks--jokes, not calling relatives after confrontation, avoidance of family events, and the silent treatment.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

7 Things to Do When You Discover a Relative is Ill and Might Need Your Help

So you find out that you have a relative who is often mental or physically ill and you are concerned that you might be the one who will have to care for him or her, what to do?

One.  Meet with relatives about your concern.

Sometimes you will find that others will be willing to help if they are brought into the loop.  Enlist all the help you can.  Talk with family friends who might be willing to visit and care for the ill family member in your absence.  Explain to your own family what is going on with your relative, so that they will understand you won't be available at times.

Two.  Go with ill relative to doctor's appointments for a time to learn more about illness.

If you don't know why your relative is breathing a certain way, has something growing in a place that it shouldn't, or seems to often suffer with something, then you won't know how to watch out for trouble.  Ask questions at the doctor's office such as:  What to do when...how many should she take...what should I look out for...if this happens, what should I do...?

Three.  Offer to assist relative and schedule a time when you will visit either daily, weekly or monthly.

Don't overextend yourself.  Find out when is the best time to assist relative and discuss with your family.

Four.  Research programs that will assist your relative if he or she is still able-bodied/independent.

Find out what non-profit groups will send nurses and others to help you care for ill family member.

Five.  Avoid committing yourself to help your relative when you know you have no desire to assist.

Some individuals have a breaking point where they just can't deal with the stress of caring for an adult, share your concern with others and call doctor's office to find out about alternatives.

Six.  Check out side effects of all medicines relative is taking.

The doctor will tell you about some side effects, but if you perform your own research you can find out if there are any pending lawsuits related to certain medicines.

Seven.  Arrange for an emergency care monitoring system through medical program and/or set up security cameras around the home depending on the illness (especially if it is one affecting the mind.)

If you feel uncomfortable leaving your relative alone, even though he or she appears to be taking care of his or herself, consider getting a device the relative could press if he or she should have an accident.  Also, use cameras to spot any questionable activity especially if the relative is an habitual liar.

Once you have made necessary phone calls, met with others, performed errands, and assisted relative with activities, remember to take time for yourself.  It can be very stressful watching and caring for a relative who can't do for his or herself.

Nicholl McGuire Author and Poet of When Mothers Cry http://whenmotherscry.blogspot.com

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