The Overuse of the Word "Family"

"I moved back because of family...I think it would be good to get together because of family...I think it would be nice if the family could...We should meet her family...You should help them because that is your family...I think the family should pitch in to help..."  Family, family, family!  We all get it!

There is that one in the family who loves putting an emphasis on what he or she believes family should or shouldn't do.  This person will rally up support from family members (typically the gullible ones) for his or her personal beliefs while hoping that he or she will get some sort of benefit out of the deal.  Whether the one preaching "family" is the mother, father, sister, brother or whoever else, most relatives don't bother to think, "Well, what's in it for her/him?  Why the push for family togetherness after all these years?  Why is he/she so adamant that his or her son or daughter come back to the hometown to stay?  What is the real meaning as to why he or she is talking much about family these days?"

In my years of doing what family say, rather than what I say, I have learned that the motives for some relatives on preaching family togetherness, even when there is no family closeness, is because that person (who screams the loudest) most likely has been influenced by another family he or she has married into or befriended outside of the bloodline.  This person is like the former smoker, who has kicked the habit, therefore he or she wants everyone else to quit.  "Why is everyone angry at one another, come on we are family!?  Why don't we go in and out of each other's homes--aren't we family?" she yells.  The family preacher, if you will, can be annoying with all his or her statements about "family" and "...getting along" while telling his or her own family, "What goes on in this house, stays in this house!" 

Oftentimes the family preacher is personally miserable while being judgmental toward others.  He or she knows that some people in the family will never change especially toward him or her who doesn't know when to be quiet or when to speak up.  Almost always this same person forgets his or her negative contributions to breaking the family down with things like: a quick tongue, moodiness, pride, lying, silent treatment, greed, selfishness, being unsupportive in times of need, and more!

Cheaters, manipulators, liars, pimps, hustlers, financially poor, and the moody seem to be the biggest preachers of family togetherness because they know that someone in the group will be weak enough to follow them.  "Yeah, sure...let's get together...we haven't seen the family in awhile...I'm in!"  The miserable circle of relatives, who sometimes mask their negativity well, get together on organizing the family campaign that usually causes more harm than good over time.  After all the party goers have left the show and the decor has been taken down and money spent, the disheartening family stories arise of the miserable group asking for money, wanting this, and needing that!

I caution readers of this blog to be wise in your decision-making when it comes to hiring, firing, marrying, divorcing, moving near, or moving away from intermediate family members as well as extended ones.  Whatever you choose, be mindful that someone will say or do something to keep you near or far, not for your benefit, but for theirs.

Nicholl McGuire

The Braggart Family Member Who Believes that All You Need is Family

He or she goes around spewing his or her speech about family togetherness, family time, and how much time is left to be with this relative and that one while squeezing in how great his or her family supposedly is.  "Cherish your family, you never know when you will need them...family will be here when no one else will...your family loves you..."  Unsuspecting relatives have been manipulated by the optimist who claims to only want what is best for everyone.  However, what some family members fail to realize is that they are living their lives based on what someone has told them, but not on how they truly feel!  It is very easy to put aside differences based on someone's false perception only to later be shot down with a negative reality. 

People move away, ignore others, and practically disappear out of families for good reason!  Some return only to wish they never came back.  Others will open up doors only to be reminded to close them back!  Fickle family can be a detriment to a relationship, business, one's spiritual growth and more!  It would make sense to avoid the comments of one's hyped up braggart family member and observe people, places and things for who and what they truly are!  A relocation can turn out badly, an event can end up with people in the hospital, children can be emotionally scarred for a lifetime in the wrong environment with the wrong people, and above everything else, one can lose his or her mind, partner, and finances trying to appease others.

Sure, it sounds good the family talk, walk, group, event and whatever other word that has "family" in it.  But the reality is, that many relatives have moved away for good reason and to convince them to, "Come on back home, because your poor, dear mom needs you...grandma doesn't have long to live...you know how much we love and miss you (sob, sob)" is just wrong especially when the family member arrives to his or her hometown only to find that everyone is doing just fine and no one doesn't even look like they are on their death bed.

Braggart relatives speak highly of family because of their own personal guilt.  They remember the money they owe, the family disputes, the bad-mouthing they did, and a plethora of other issues they have had with their relatives.  Some even go so far as to pass on responsibilities for loved ones in the hopes that others will step up to the plate.  So of course, they will talk loudly about how much family means to them. 

Depending on the relationship one has with certain family members will determine whether or not they are going to buy into the "We are family" hype.  Don't expect everyone to jump on board just because someone is ill, having financial difficulty, needs someone to talk to, or misses a relative he or she once was close to.  Realize people change!  Don't be the one bad-mouthing others because they don't want to be a part of family related events!  What use to be may not be anymore for these wounded individuals.  People have a way of messing things up because they overly promote family.  They fail to understand that some get tired of being lied to, used, abused, controlled, bad-mouthed, or judged.

As the year presses on, if you are the one being pressured to do one thing or another for a relative just because their "family," stop!  Think about what is happening.  Notice how the pressure is affecting your personal life and make some immediate changes including distancing yourself from those who don't care to understand what is going on in your own personal life.

Stay blessed!

Nicholl McGuire

Patience and Understanding Go a Long Way in Many Families - 6 Things that Close Family Members Have that Others Don't

Growing up, I noticed that some of my intermediate and extended relatives had very strong family bonds.  They were the kind of bonds that showed just how much they cared for one another.  Sure, they argued at times and wasn't always there for one another, but there was an appreciation, love and respect that family members displayed that couldn't be broken no matter what the situation!

Drugs showed up in the family, cheating, lying, stealing, and more, and even still, some family members were diehard about loved ones.  They didn't stop saying, "I love you...you can do better!  We are a family!  Let me get you some help.  I hate what is happening to your family, let's do something about it!"  The passion to assist, the determination to get someone free of their demons, and the kind of love that only a God could download into the spirit of man and woman was real!

So, I thought of what they did to accomplish that family closeness that some observers were simply jealous of and wished for that kind of bond among their own.

1) They listened.

When family crisis showed up, time was taken to listen.  Steamrolling over conversations, quick to name-call, running one's mouth about "you should...and you better..." nope not with these Good Samaritans.  They wanted to hear all sides and then they planned the work and worked the plan.  Judgments, bias, name-calling, and personal opinions need not be a part of their family discussions.

2) They encouraged.

These loved ones did the total opposite of what discouraging family members did to their relatives, they ensured the one they were speaking to that "everything would be alright...you will get through this!  I love you and you made a mistake--no one is perfect!  Do better next time."

3) They provided.

Unlike stingy relatives who held on to money like they could never earn it again, the generous kin did what they could to help.  They gave up not just money, but time to ensure that someone got to their appointment, someone was visited in jail, someone's house was cleaned, and another had no worries about yardwork.  They were present, in the moment, and all-too ready to open their wallets and/or doors.

4) They loved.

As much as it hurt some of them to let very troubled family members go, they still loved them anyway.  They refrained to talk ugly about them.  They loved them until their hearts couldn't take any more stress.  Before long, unfortunately some of those loving relatives were buried.  They left us with one piece of advice in their actions, "Know when to let go."  A few used to say that their kindness had been taken for weakness and they wished that at times they hadn't been so kind, but more firm with some kinfolk.

5) They grew.

As family reunions came to a slow end due to so many people passing away with dates so close together, it was apparent that the family was still pressing on, still growing, still helping, and still doing.  The elders supported family growth and didn’t frown or look down on those who became pregnant.  They realized that they wouldn't be around forever, so it was important that the family grow; therefore, they encouraged population growth, family closeness, and family get-togethers even in their absence.  There wasn't just one family member leading, but many kin were instructed to lead and to continue to keep the family ties strong. 

6) They believed.

Now after years of observation and participation in family events, there is still the belief that those who had been distant will one day come together and those that have been close will remain that way.  It doesn't hurt to believe even when others have given up.  Stay faithful, stay loving, and stay kind, you never know who is watching.

May God bless you and your family!

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and the author of When Mothers Cry, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues, Say Goodbye to Dad and other nonfiction books.

New Year: New Look at Family - How Important are They Really to You?

How important really is family to you?  Now how important is the following:  marriage, job, education, retirement, housing, and more?  The real test of your love, loyalty and personal truth about family is when it is tested by all those other things that challenge your family. 

I learned over the years that everyone or everything else becomes more important when you are no longer in like or love with select family members or your family as a whole.  It's not right or wrong it just is.  We can' thrive anywhere with anyone without LOVE!  What you thought would never be more important than family becomes that when people show they no longer appreciate or love you.  You realize that without family support, traditions die.  You may be the only person cheering for family while others are deeply wounded by you or others.

Take a look at who you are mentally, physically and spiritually with or without family.  Does your world center around them?  If so, you will find yourself broken when they cannot return the favors you so generously gave them when you need them most.  Do you claim to love family so much that you are steering the entire ship without any input from those who are riding on it?  If so, you are controlling--you have a huge ego that needs to be cut down to size.  No wonder there are family challenges you might be overlooking.  However, there are those things that occur with family that are beyond our control.

Someone stops building/working/dreaming; therefore we can no longer proceed as a whole family.  We work with who is willing to maintain family going forward.  Sometimes it's just us for a season or a lifetime.  There are relatives who prefer to abuse and use others, rather than be kind and respectful.  Do we stay, tough it out and continue to experience abuse?  Of course, not.  However, for the sake of "family" some will go through much anyway.  Those who chose abuse placed generations under bondage too--choose wisely!

Listen to what you hear coming out of your family members' mouths, at times you may hear a bit of prophecy, a forecast, of what might be ahead for the family.  Would you be so bold as to ask them, "How am I doing?  Am I meeting your needs?  Do I allow you to be yourself, make decisions...Do you believe I love you?  What might you see in the future concerning our family?"  Some people who would dare ask these questions might be pleasantly surprised by the feedback or shocked. 

As the new year reveals truths about the future concerning our relatives and family friends--those good as well as evil, let us be conscious of the significance of quality family members who are currently in our lives.  Don't throw the baby out with the bath water this year!  Prepare yourself for major life storms from financial loss to death.  Most of all, remember you have a Creator who loves you more than you know!  Happy New Year!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.

You Can't Make Your Family Be Something They Are Not

You want dad to be more loving, grandma to be sweet, and your brothers and sisters to care more about you and your family on your terms.  Good luck--not happening. 

The problem is "your terms."  One event or many events, a little money or much, isn't going to recreate someone into what you hope they would be especially for as long as you live.  People change, but not that much.  Money changes people, but not that much.  Events put smiles on people's faces, but not for long.  Get it?

Now for some controlling types for a season you just might get some family members to play along with your attempt at bridging the gap between relatives.  "Sister I think it would be nice if you...Mother could you be more...Auntie please could you not..."  thoughts like these go through our minds because we saw somewhere or heard someone talking about this issue and that one.  So now we will try to persuade a relative to do some things differently.

It takes years for family programming (brainwashing to make one do what others want) to die.  It takes even longer to cultivate an atmosphere between many adults in a family to "simply get along for God sake!"  Most likely, the Good Samaritan type will tire of trying to get the family together.  He or she will stop being so encouraging, nice, and the like.  Good for this person, because he or she will most likely not suffer long from headaches, ulcers, and more as a result of family issues.  But some won't give up the fight--they will die fighting. 

There comes a point in our quest to do what's right and promote change, that we have to stop and consider the other side.  Besides, for some, their marriages are headed for ruin as a result of continuously getting involve in far too many family affairs.  As much as we want people to forgive, forget, apologize, and play together, it's not going to happen for all.  We can pray and pray some more, but until a man, woman or child sees a sincere benefit to communicating with members of their bloodline, they just aren't going to do it. 

I have personally witnessed my share of family arguments, physical fights, and just cold-hearted behaviors that would make outsiders fearful.  What causes men and women to act so evilly only God knows?  We can blame the devil all we want, but people have choices.  You can either make up in your mind to call off the war or keep it going with your tongue or something else.  Some just don't know how to talk peacefully, behave respectfully, or do anything else that promotes positivity.

The best solution to the family mayhem that keeps dividing the family up is to start focusing on your own family.  I have found that when the Good Samaritan stops trying to get family together, teach family, do for family, hand hold with family and more, people will no longer bring their drama to you especially when you have been forward about what you will no longer put up with. 

When the Do-Good matriarch puts an end to reaching out, sending gifts, encouraging phone calls and other similar things, that's when people tend to come together naturally.  However, the jealous type, who unsuccessfully brings a peaceful union together, can end up turning from friend to foe while causing disagreements among a select few.  Watch out for those type!

Remember, as much as you love your family, whatever picture you have in your head of what family looks like, it's time to throw it away and look at reality.  Take what is given to you and make the most of it! 

For some readers of this blog, stop reading, watching, or listening to shows that make you covet a family outside of your own.  You only make yourself miserable doing those things.  Fill your mind with other activities that are non-related to family.  Start by making a list of things you like and begin to tackle it.  This way your life isn't passing away so quickly while exhausting yourself of your family's worries.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic.

Common Family Problems that Cause Distance Between Relatives

Family problems are often the root cause of distance among relatives. In many cases, these problems can be resolved through effective communication and compromise. However, there are also some family problems that are too difficult to overcome and can lead to permanent estrangement among family members. In this blog post, we will discuss some of the most common family problems that create distance among relatives.

One of the most common family problems that lead to separation among relatives is financial difficulty. In many families, one or more members may experience financial difficulties that cause them to feel resentful towards other family members who are not struggling. This can lead to arguments and even estrangement, as family members may feel like they are being judged or that they are not contributing enough to the family.

A major issue that has caused arguments and worse physical violence in families is addiction. Addiction can take many forms, from substance abuse to gambling, and can have a devastating effect on families. Addicts often lie and steal from their loved ones in order to support their habits, which can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication. Additionally, addicts may also become violent or abusive leaving victims no choice but to separate from them.

One way to tell if a relative has a financial problem such as gambling is if they start lying about their finances. If they're constantly borrowing money from others or refusing to answer questions about their income, it's likely that they're in debt and are struggling to make ends meet. Another sign of financial trouble is if your relative starts stealing. This could be anything from petty theft to embezzlement, but it's a definite red flag that something is wrong. Finally, gambling can be another sign that someone is having financial difficulties. Whether it's spending too much on lottery tickets or going to casinos on a regular basis, gambling can quickly become an expensive habit that leads to serious debt. If you see any of these signs in a relative, it's important to confront the relative and explain how what they are doing is impacting you and other family members and encourage them to seek help. 

Another family challenge is long-distance relationships. When this occurs due to work, caring for a relative in another state, or for other reasons, emotional cheating and adultery can arise. If you think your spouse or partner is cheating on you, it's important to talk to them about it. Adultery can often lead to divorce, and it can also cause family problems. If you're in a long-distance relationship, be sure to communicate with your partner frequently. This will help keep the relationship strong and may prevent any additional relationship challenges. 

Lastly, one common family problem is when work and other activities consume most of our time. It can be difficult to find quality time to spend with our families. This is especially true for parents who are juggling work and taking care of their children. As a result, many families end up spending more time apart than together. This can really put a strain on family relationships and make it difficult to connect with each other. Carve out some free time to address issues. For instance, maybe a parent isn't spending much time with children due to other activities; family members might have to have a family intervention that addresses concerns. Hopefully, all parties will be able to come up with a reasonable schedule.

If you are struggling with a family problem that is creating distance among your relatives, it is important to seek help. There are many resources available to families in crisis and speaking with a professional can help you develop a plan to address the issue and hopefully work towards repairing your relationships and rebuilding trust. Additionally, there are support groups available for family members of addicts which can provide much-needed guidance and understanding. No family is perfect, but by addressing these challenges head-on, you can start to heal the rift and build a stronger bond with your loved ones.

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Useful Family Advice, Resources to Cope with Various Challenges

Family Therapy

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When Your Family Doesn't Like You

They may love us, but they don’t like us. They have proven that by the way they react to us during times when they should be supportive; instead, they are distant. They roll their eyes when we speak. They quickly get off the phone with us when we tell a story. They talk about us behind our backs. They don’t bother to give us any words of encouragement when we are down, they withhold affection and praise. They spread gossip about us and then lie about saying anything to our faces. They find excuses not to buy things for us or our families. They will not go out of their way to do anything for us.

My story isn’t one I am proud of but I think for purposes of this article, it is one that may help someone who feels like they are the black sheep in their family and no one seems to care about them. Years ago I hadn’t noticed any signs that certain family members just didn’t like me, until I talked to other family who told me so. I asked these family members, who brought me a bone and most likely would carry one back, why? Why wouldn’t they like me? A few attributed it to jealousy and others said that they just didn’t like the choices I made in life. It wasn’t that I had done anything that would cause them to resent or even hate me, I guess I was one of those family members who got along with everyone regardless and some didn’t feel that I should.

When I began to look closer at the way they treated me, it became obvious, they didn’t like me. I reasoned that it was because I didn’t always take their advice, that I didn’t consistently acknowledge birthdays and other holidays, because at times I chose boyfriends and jobs over spending time with them. At first I was hurt by the reality that my family was treating me like a black sheep, why? How could they use the excuse of having no money not to visit me when I needed them most? ( I live 3000 miles away and have been back to see my family several times since my move and no one bothers to come out and see me.) I have made up so many excuses these past four years for them when people asked me about their coming out to see me to the point that I can’t keep track of all of them. How could they acknowledge other relatives with children by giving them their money and time and overlook my children more often than remember them? How could they be judgmental of my lifestyle when they were no angels? It wasn’t like I was a drinker, smoker, or gambler. It wasn’t like I chose someone of the opposite race or the same gender. Maybe if I had done these things, it would be easier to understand why they didn’t act like they liked me very much since those choices went against their views. I thought maybe I gave them too much ammunition to use against me by sharing too many details about my personal life for them to judge me; therefore they wouldn’t want to see me. I became increasingly angry trying to reason why some family members just didn’t seem to want me around. They smiled in my face and talked behind my back. They told one another not to tell me what gifts they bought for other relatives, because they didn’t have enough money to buy my children and me gifts. They created fantastic lies when I approached them about the “he say she say” stories that were retold by other family members. They claimed they didn’t know what I was talking about, they denied ever saying anything, and they acted as if I was the one at fault. I tried different things to make me feel comfortable with the truth. I chose not to talk to them as much if I could help it. I tried to distance myself and contact them only if absolutely necessary, but somehow I would get drawn into a conversation with a family member(s) who I know didn’t like me. I wanted so bad to believe that what I told them would be appreciated, not repeated to others, or used against me. But if I didn’t find out within days, I found out within months that the family member whom I confided in just couldn’t keep anything to themselves and not only repeated what I said but rearranged it so that I looked bad. So I tell my story, so that you will find some relief in knowing that there are other black sheep out there just like you. Why do we bother with them? If we had a friend that didn’t like us, would we continue to befriend them? Most of us wouldn’t. But family they carry strong titles. We grew up with them and they were there at times in life when no one else would bother with us.

Don’t get me wrong when I tell my story, I don’t hate those who don’t like me. Instead, I pray for them and wish them the best. I also pray that any plans that they intend to use against me be stopped before they reach me and I also limit my time conversing and socializing with them. I don’t accept every invitation that they throw my way either. I noticed that when I interact with them one-on-one rather than in groups, they are all smiles and willing to talk to me about anything. But when they are with other family members, they act as if they are all-powerful and will say things to me that they have no business saying. I am not the kind of personality that takes what people say lightly and will state how I feel. So I don’t mind a confrontation, a debate, an argument or if it comes down to it a physical fight, I’m not anyone’s punching bag. But I am aware that the best solution to all matters is to exercise self-control and remain peaceful within despite how much you may be getting on another’s nerves just by your mere presence.

I know my situation looks sad, but I also know that I’m not the only black sheep in cyberspace. I think that the worst family situations are for those black sheep who wear rose-colored glasses. The disliked family member is used and misused for years and doesn’t even know it until one day someone in the family tells them, “Well you know your brother never did like you. Your mother didn’t like you either, but they just dealt with you because you were family.” What a devastating blow to someone who really did go all out for family and demonstrated nothing but love to all? How does one overcome that bitter truth? I remember a boyfriend told me that he noticed how some of my family members behaved toward me and immediately recognized who they favored; I didn’t want to admit he was right, so I argued with him. Who wants to face the reality that family is acting different towards you to an outsider? For years, I thought that if I bought gifts for them, performed well in school, college and the workplace, that I could earn their respect and that they would look at me with favor. But as the years went by and I got knocked down by various life circumstances, I had to face the hard truth that no matter what I did I would always be that person that some family members would not like.

So you may be like me, the black sheep of the family, the one that some will never like. If so, feel free to comment. I learned ever so slowly to move on, to be more concerned with the life that surrounds me now and less concerned with the life I lived as a child. I evolved in my life and am no longer the bratty toddler, rebellious teen, or irresponsible twenty-something young person that they knew when, but some family just can’t or will not accept change. They want to keep reminding you of your past. I also don’t feel that I have to prove that I have changed to anyone, they will either accept the new me or continue to see the old me, that’s their issue not mine. The following are seven other things I do when family say or do things that are meant to belittle me, and make them look all-powerful. They may help you too:

I choose my battles carefully. When I feel the need to talk to someone in the family about something that was untrue or meant to damage my reputation or someone else’s, I confront them about it. But I don’t pick battles that are meant to make me react uncontrollably so that the family member who doesn’t like me has some gossip to spread.

I don’t accept every piece of advice they want to give me. Controlling individuals will use every opportunity they can to tell you what you need to do with your life even when you haven’t asked for their 2 cents worth! You had an illness; they will share with you how they overcame it. You had an issue at work; they will tell you how to best solve it. You have a problem with your children; they will boldly tell you what you are doing wrong and what they did to parent their children. On the surface it looks good and their counsel seems innocent enough, until you hear how critical they were about your actions behind your back. “I couldn’t believe she would give her child that medicine. I knew she wouldn’t last on her job. He was never any good with communicating with people.” Meanwhile, they act as if they have never said anything about you to anyone and encourage you to confide in them.

I don’t bother to call them when they have insulted me. There is a way to let someone know that what they said was rude or inappropriate, just don’t call them. Some will get the message, while others may not, but you act in such a way that lets them know that they are not welcome to say certain things to you anymore. Silence is the best weapon you got!

I don’t bother with family members who negatively impact my life. (Life is simply too short to deal with emotionally draining individuals.) These family members who don’t like you may have been the ones who were the bad influence on you in the past. But as you grew older, you changed! When they see that you are doing well in life, while they are doing bad they will grow jealous and find fault with you.

I avoid staying on the phone or socializing with in-laws who have boldly acted in ways that say, “They don’t approve of me.” I don’t take on the responsibility of winning their support, but I don’t act in ways that would make them say I was disrespectful, impolite or childish either. My relationship with them is similar to a boss and employee work relationship.

I don’t share any information about myself or other family members that I am not comfortable with sharing. Some will want to win your trust by sharing parts of their life, hoping that you will do the same. Since you know they don’t like you, why would you? A personal exchange of information rarely makes someone who doesn’t like you suddenly like you. It takes a whole lot more to build trust such as tragedies, common interests, a heartfelt discussion, resolving past issues, and attending counseling together.

I avoid the temptation to buy or do things to try to win their favor. If I am not being sincere, I just don’t bother doing it. I think too many people associate buying gifts with buying love, I unfortunately learned from these same people. I thought that if I could do something nice for someone that would win them over, but I learned all too often that my efforts only put me in the position to serve them.

Although these points are how I deal with my own family issues, I encourage you to set up your own boundaries as well. When you do, you are protecting your heart and your family. You don’t ever want to put yourself in a position that you are being misused, abused, manipulated, or controlled by a family member, or anyone for that matter, who doesn’t like you!

By Nicholl McGuire

8 Things Family Will Do to Get You to Stop Being Distant

They are in your family and mine. You met some of them when your partner introduced them to you. These fake, ignorant, negative and absent-minded people are the ones that call you up and say, “How come you don’t come around anymore? We use to be so close what happened? He never bothers with our family. She always stays away…” Let’s assume that everyone, who is reading this article, has become distant from their relatives, not because they are being controlled by anyone or have some mental condition. Rather, you and I don’t bother with some of these people we call “family,” because we would like to live our lives with a little less drama, had some bad experiences with them, or maybe we noticed something negative within ourselves that we don’t like which resulted from being around some of these manipulative family members.

So how does your being distant affect your relationship with them in the present and immediate future? As for those of you who don’t have this kind of family drama, at least not yet, the following will provide you with some insight you will need to keep in mind in case you have to distant yourself too.

One. Expect family to forget about the wrongs they have committed against you.

Many fake, absent-minded relatives fall into this group. They smile and tell everyone how great you are and brag about your accomplishments, but when someone probes about your whereabouts, their expression changes and they will make up some excuse. When you bring up a discussion about the past with them, they don’t remember anything they have done to you, “I don’t remember ever doing that to you…” they say. Yet, they will recite a lengthy list of how you made them feel and what you did to make them so angry. This kind of conversation will usually end with someone shouting, hanging up the phone or walking out the room. It is better to keep one’s distance until you have better control over your emotions and you have forgiven them or vice versa. In some cases, it may be better just to stay away.

These relatives are also the ones that are too ignorant or self-absorbed to understand what part they played as to why you just aren’t excited about being in their presence. Who wants to hang around someone who was violent toward the family and still acts controlling? Someone who is overly critical or can’t seem to keep their mouth shut without insulting someone? Or someone else who drinks or does drugs? There are so many who advise to get over past memories, but sometimes creating distance can be an individual’s way to get over things. So family should expect and respect it.

Two. Some family may remember their faults, but convince others that you exaggerated, lied or will deny anything ever happened.

These relatives are more interested in sharing their negative experience about you to others, but don’t realize how bad they look in those same people’s eyes. Some family members may fall for the exaggerations and lies, because maybe they didn’t have a great experience with you either, while others will know what he or she is up to such as “saving face” and will tell you about it. Ultimately, what these negative types are trying to do is get you to react to their actions, so that they can tell you how they feel while appearing as if they were working things out with you, but you are the “unreasonable, emotional…” one that “never would listen to anyone.”

Three. They will suggest to others that you are at fault and will act ignorant of the details.

Once again these angry relatives feel it is better to place blame, then to hold themselves accountable for their own actions leading to your acting distant. When other family members ask them, “Well why did she really leave? What did you do to cause him not to come around?” They play deaf, dumb, and blind to the questioning, “I don’t know…I could never figure him out…She has always been that way.”

Four. They will keep silent on anything pertaining to you, so that they don’t look like the bad guy or girl.

Some family will just go through life acting as if you never existed. Conversations with your name will come up and they won’t agree, disagree, add to it, or take away from it. They have written you off with or without a notice.

Five. When they see they can’t move you, they will bad mouth you to others.

These family members are the ones that have repeatedly invited you to events, tried to bribe you, used your children to get closer to you, etc. and when they see that you aren’t “coming out of your shell” or “opening up,” things aren’t happening fast enough or their vision of what a close family looks like isn’t being fulfilled, they will talk negatively behind your back. Usually saying something like, “He isolates himself. She is controlling. She never wants to do anything. He is weird.”

Six. They will attempt to control you by making you feel guilty.

“The least you could have done is showed up for your uncle’s funeral…” They want you to come around because someone died, someone needs help, or someone is sick and so on. When you don’t “do as your told,” they tell you something like, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. What would daddy think? That is your only brother. You know mom always wanted us to be close…” Is your presence really that significant to them or does it really mean they are just trying to get something out of you for their own benefit (i.e. money)?

Seven. They will use other family members to tell you how bad you are for not being close to them.

Your sister suddenly calls with a long conversation about “how we all need to be close,” your dad tells you how much it would mean to him if you would do one thing or another, and they may even use the family pet to howl or meow into the phone giving his or her 2 cent worth! Don’t fall for this trap if you aren’t ready to get back involved with them. Otherwise, you will find yourself resenting them all over again.

But if you are ready to accept them into your life again, protect your heart, even if you are really the one at fault. Don’t do anything you don’t sincerely want to do for them, no matter what they say. If you do, you could be setting yourself up for a relationship based on their needs and not on what kind of person you are. Most of all, never repeat the same mistakes from the past that caused you to become distant in the first place.

Eight. They will use other family members, your partner, children, friends, events, places, things, money, and gifts to get you to act in ways that they believe you should act toward them.

Remember each member of your family has his or her definition of what “close” means to them. Now who really bothers to sit down and interview each one on what exactly do they mean by being a “close” family? Most people don’t even think about it. Maybe you should find out what exactly they mean.

Avoid welcoming your family into your life, before you are ready, just because they gave you money, time, gift or invited you to an event. Not everyone will like one another; therefore, not everyone is obligated to sit down and enjoy one another’s company either. Unless you know that you have addressed past issues that caused your distance or them distancing from you, are mentally strong to deal with their irritating behaviors and the negative things they may say to you, by all means accept them; otherwise leave them alone. You will be saving yourself a lot of unnecessary stress.

Sometimes when family haven’t seen or heard from you in awhile they will start off the conversation talking about a number of issues they directly or indirectly had with you: how they “tried to get in contact with you” and that “you shouldn’t be so distant,” you missed out on a past event, they were going to do something for you but didn’t because they hadn’t heard from you, and so on. If you aren’t ready to hear all of their concerns, suggestions, and complaints, now would not be a good time to pick up the phone, or you might find yourself wanting to hang up on him or her.

“I just want our family to be close,” I’m sure you have heard this quote from someone. However, what this well-meaning family member fails to realize is that their definition of “close” doesn’t and shouldn’t be applied to everyone. As people become older, have families, and think independently, they will interact with others in a way that makes them feel comfortable. “So he doesn’t come to the family home for the holidays? So she wants to stay in a hotel when she comes to visit her mother? So he prefers to spend the day over his in-laws, rather than with you? So she doesn’t like to come around when there are a lot of people over your home! SO WHAT!” Remind yourself to say that to someone who is complaining about their relative’s absence at family events or distance from the family. Remember there are two sides to every story and sometimes it’s better for the other party to just keep his or her distance. Their behavior may or may not have something to do with their fake, negative, ignorant, and absent –minded relatives. “If more people would just leave well enough alone,” as one hypocritical family member commented, “the world would be a better place.”

By Nicholl McGuire

How to Create and Publish a Family History Book

When compiling a family history book, it is important to make sure that it is easy to read and understand. One way to do this is by dividing the book into chapters based on different time periods or events in the family's history. You can also include images and other visuals to help illustrate the story.

 
If you should give the family history book as a gift, it is important to consider the recipient's interests and level of interest in genealogy. Some family members may be more interested in learning about their ancestors, while others may prefer stories about life growing up in the family. Be sure to tailor the book accordingly. 

One way to make the book more personal is to include stories and anecdotes from family members. This can help make the book more interesting and engaging for readers. You can also include copies of old photos, documents, and other memorabilia to help bring the story to life. 

Memoirs can be a challenge because they require honesty and objectivity. In order to write an accurate memoir, family historians must be able to step back and objectively view their own lives. This can be difficult, especially when memories are wrapped up in strong emotions. Additionally, memoirs often require research in effort to verify facts. 

Consider how long you might want the book to be and is the details provided by relatives about personal experiences really relevant. To determine what to keep and what to omit, revisit what the purpose of the book is. For instance, do you only want to talk about the family's tough upbringing and how they overcame it or you might want to discuss only rags to riches stories. Whatever your focus, be sure that it connects with the main topic of the book. 

Common Mistakes Family History Historians and Writers Make

One of the most common mistakes that writers make when compiling and writing family history books is not doing enough research. This can include not interviewing family members, not researching online and offline archives, and not fact-checking information. As a result, family history books are often filled with inaccuracies and mistakes. 

Another common mistake is failing to organize information well. This can lead to a messy and unreadable book. Writers also often make the mistake of including too much personal information, which can make the book less interesting to read. 

Finally, many writers lack the writing skills necessary to produce an enjoyable book. This often results in a book that is dry and boring to read. 

So, if you are thinking about compiling and writing a family history book, be sure to do your research, organize your information well, and polish your writing skills. Otherwise, your book may end up being a disappointment for you and your family. 

On Publishing Your Family History Book

When publishing a family history book, there are a few key things to consider in order to choose the best online book publishing platform for your needs. Some factors to take into account include cost, quality of finished product, and how much help the platform provides in terms of design and marketing.

One option is to use a self-publishing platform like Bookemon or similar ones. These platforms allow you to create a custom book, but you are responsible for all of the design and marketing work yourself. This can be a lot of work, but it can also be very rewarding to see your finished product.

Another option is to use a publishing company that specializes in family history books. These companies usually offer more design and marketing help, but they can also be more expensive. Some popular options include Cedar Fort Publishing and Genealogical Publishing Company.

Finally, if you don't have the time or resources to publish your own book, you can always hire a professional publisher. This option can be expensive, but it can also be worth it if you want a high-quality finished product. 

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and contributor.  She has self-published 17 books to date. Check out book publishing platform Bookemon.  It is an excellent tool to get you book published today!