Sometimes What They Don't Know will Hurt Them

Growing up in a family who thinks keeping secrets is always okay, wrecks much havoc on the innocent in more ways than one.  Relatives distrust one another when the truth finally comes out.  People don't call or come around as much. 

A question for most individuals negatively impacted by things hid in the dark, so to speak, might be, "Why wasn't I told years ago?  How could everyone keep this from me?"  When lies are uncovered, and truth is your truth, it hurts.  However, it is a very different story when the lies or truth about someone else have little to do with you.  People can become insensitive, expect people to get over some things in their time, be aggressive about discovering more truth, and so on.  With so many voices around saying one thing or another, the one hurt by years of story-telling may want nothing more from relatives but silence.  Respect that!

Don't wonder why some loved ones don't bother coming around for family events.  Victims of  exaggerations, fabrications, and half-truths, get weary of experiencing the following:  uncomfortable feelings, guarding their hearts, watching every little thing they say, and so on.  How can one have a good time in the company of deceivers?  How is one able to forgive and forget over night when it took years to keep secrets?

Sometimes what you don't know will hurt you and others.  This is why some of the best friendships fall apart, people knew things, but never told.  Of course, we have to use discretion when sharing past stories with others, especially loose canons, but there are ways to subtly expose lies.  Here are a few.

1.  Direct the person to the source of the secrets without explaining anything in detail.  "You might want to talk to Aunt Sally about that...she knows a lot about the past or maybe talk to Uncle Bill, he doesn't mind sharing truth about the family."

2.  Use photos, family history documents, and other things related to past events and pose questions  in a way that will get the listener to start to think.

3.  Don't talk to the relative about what you think you might know.  Stand by everything you do know when confronted.

4.  When sharing information that include others, leave the names out who told you about certain events.  But if you don't care about a future confrontation and feel like you are protected, then by all means, speak what you know.

People who know secrets about others should never assume anything, add to their stories, or appear like they know all the facts when they really don't!  If approached, remember to lead the person to others who may want to talk about what they have been hiding all these years.

Nicholl McGuire

How can Al-Anon Family Groups help - How Al-Anon Helps

God Didn't Tell Them to Get Married - Their Flesh Did

Someone in the family announces that a relative is getting married and the news is great until you meet the future marriage partner.  "Something just isn't right with that person..." you say to yourself.  But you don't want to be the one that looks bad if you were to tell someone how you truly feel about the union, so you keep things to yourself.  Then one day, as if someone in your circle is reading your thoughts, out comes, "God put them together..."  Sure.  Now your mind is really going at this point, did the person notice that you aren't sold out on the couple getting married?

As much as we would all like to think that every relationship that has led to marriage God had something to do with, we are wrong especially when neither party was even thinking about God, religion, faith or anything like it when they first met!  No, the couple had everything to do with the connection when they got naked one night and then many nights afterward.  Then they reasoned, "God is for us, who can be against us."  Even if someone was against the relationship, would it matter?  Sex has a way of clouding one's judgment.  The couple in La-La land thinks everything is rosy after many passionate moments in bed.

God is not one for ordering people to get married who are unequally yoked, but wayward, backsliding, hypocritical, and legalistic Christians are!  "You should get married...you better not wait...you need to get married..."  Some will mention it is better to marry then to burn with lust.  But what they fail to quote are all the scriptures that talk of listening and obeying God in the first place.  The issue isn't about going down the aisle in record time, but the real issue is, "Who is this person that he or she is marrying really?  Should this person even be in the family?  What is my loved ones reasons for really marrying?" 

Many couples are having an ear to God when they are planning their weddings.  Prior to, they are listening to pushy parents and other relatives who don't want to look bad not having sons and daughters married off.  Yes, there are still older parents and grandparents around who don't want the town to shame them or God hold them responsible for their sons and daughters not getting married--even if this isn't the case, but you can't tell them any differently.

"What God said" is thrown around loosely nowadays.  Going to church doesn't make one a good listener when it comes to doing the things of God.  Consider this, God is more concerned about kingdom business and if two people are willing to work together and with God to make some spiritual things manifest in others' lives, not just their own, then God bless their union.  However, with all the troubled marriages and divorces, this is just not the case.  Instead, we have many selfish individuals getting married, void of God, and hoping to capitalize off of one another--mentally, physically and spiritually in a way that doesn't serve anyone but themselves!  Then when the money is spent, attraction lost, and life challenges come into their La-La romance like a flood, now they are questioning, "Was God even in this?"  Most likely he wasn't, but your flesh was in it alright!  Whether one was married five, 10, or 15 plus years ago, the truth of the matter is not every marriage was ordained by God no matter how many times you repeated "under the eyes of God" or how often you attended church prior, during, and afterward.  It's unfortunate but the holiday season only pushes the deception like they do when it comes to Santa, Jesus' birth date, and Christmas being a time for giving. 

If you are a believer, use the holiday season to remind the lost couples in your family to turn their hearts toward God, rather than on things like:  how much money they spent on a gift, where they will be going for their honeymoon, and when they will be having children.  It is through Him they will find peace--everything else is added stress.

Nicholl McGuire also maintains a blog entitled, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

6 Signs It’s Time to Stop Taking Advice from Relatives or Friends

You love your family and think much of them.  When problems arise personally and professionally, you just might have a relative or two that you can confide in about your life challenges.   Sometimes one may continue sharing details of his or her life with certain individuals even after being repeatedly forewarned about them.  Trouble arises, the confrontation takes place, yet one still seeks advice from those who don't mean him or her well.  When does one stop taking advice from troubled loved ones?

One. When they are often proven wrong.

How much proof do you need when something a relative says proves to be incorrect on an frequent basis, or an exaggeration and a lie are told to you without a blink of an eye?  When you see the writing on the wall, quickly speak truth to your advisor, and then gradually start creating distance from him or her so that you won't be hurt again.

Two. When their track record shows they have yet to learn from past mistakes.

Some people are very good about advising you on what you should and shouldn't do, but do they take their own advice?  When you often see that one's counselor is often in disputes with others, can't seem to come up higher in his or her life, and is often critical of those they claim they love, you just might want to close your mouth on the specifics concerning your own life when speaking to him or her.

Three. When they claim to have a faith but rarely listen and obey their Maker or read and apply biblical text to their lives.

When was the last time your friend visited a church, read the Bible, or did something related to kingdom business other than sit on the phone and talk with you?  It is very easy to bring God into a conversation even when one isn't following His precepts.  Notice the hypocrite's ways, then put a brake on spiritual dialogue with him or her once you see that his or her "fruit," so to speak is spoiled.

Four. When people have warned you not to tell these people your personal business.

Most often relatives and friends have warned you of this because they either feel or learned that your trusted advisor has been sharing your private information with others.  Take heed and cut off personal details of your life.

Five. When they have shared confidential information about you with others without asking for permission.

This is similar to point 4, but is related to those people you may work with or have fraternal connections.  Unless you told an advisor "it's okay to share our discussion..." you have to wonder why would he or she take the liberty of doing so?  Watch what you say to these individuals, they may have recorded your conversation, and plan to use it to benefit them in the short or long term.  If you have a faith, pray.

Six. When they lie or avoid truth when confronted about questionable things said and practices.

This is a clear indication that
the person who you thought was a trusted friend is really a foe.  Why would they feel the need to lie if they weren't covering up something that they did or covering for someone else?

With so much evil speaking going on in our world, be cautious when talking about yourself and family with others.  Don't let a nice atmosphere, good food, and emotion cause you to drop your defenses in the presence of one you think you can trust.  Many marriages, family relationships, jobs, friendships, and more have been negatively impacted because of what someone said.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual perspectives on a variety of topics related to: relationships, family, business, and more.  Listen to her audio messages on Youtube and Sound Cloud

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5 Things You Might Want to Start Doing Now Before the Holidays

Far too many people wait until the last minute to do things.  Don't be one of the excuse-makers telling relatives, friends and strangers, "Why I had no time to..." during the holiday season.

Most often people do have time to do things, they just don't prepare and rather procrastinate by doing things like: watching TV, talking on the phone, going out with friends, etc. when they were really supposed to be handling their holiday "To Do" or "To Don't" lists.  Depending on your relationship with others will determine whether you will be using either list this year.  A "To Don't" list is simply what you won't be doing/putting up with this year.  So what do you have yet to do?

1.  Share your holiday plans with your partner and children, then talk with relatives and friends.

Some people will make Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's plans with everyone else while forgetting about a partner and children.  If you want to cause upheaval in your house, start planning to do all sorts of things without consulting with those you live with first.  Have various ideas in mind and be willing to compromise when you share them with others.

2.  Save money and make necessary arrangements for things like: travel, shopping, gift buying, home decorating, and cooking.

If you hope to spend money on other events, rather than save for the holiday related tasks that will cost the most, you just might be that one saying, "I'm sorry, this is all I could do" as the holidays near.  Plan a little better--you still have time.  Stop spending money on things you really don't need and put the money away for now.  Chances are something is going to come up that you will say to yourself, "I'm sure glad I didn't spend all my money on XYZ."  Shop for bargains and use coupons both on and offline whenever possible.

3.  Avoid making promises you can't keep, so say, "No," instead of maybe.

The excitement of getting together with family and friends can make the mouth move faster than the feet.  Before you commit to doing anything else for anyone else, practice saying, "No."  Otherwise, you will find yourself resenting the holidays instead of appreciating good times with loved ones.

4.  Donate or sell unwanted items, then clean/organize and make room for guests if you plan on entertaining.

One of those annoying issues that tend to come up around the holidays is unclean, disorganized homes, and irritable hosts.  If everything is handled in advance, the host and visitors just might have a great time.  Be sure everyone knows and understands that certain things have to be done when entertaining and visiting.  Unwilling parties shouldn't be forced to welcome others into their home especially people they don't like or get along with or go traveling when the timing just isn't right.  Save your family some drama, if everyone isn't on board, consider staying home or rearranging plans.  Don't miss out on opportunities to bless someone else, make some money for your pocket and space in your household.  You will be eliminating some future stress for all.

5.  Put in for personal and vacation days if you haven't already.

Don't disappoint relatives and friends with, "I got to work that day..."  Take the day off or make plans to leave work early. 

Make good use of your free time, consider your loved ones' needs, and don't sleep on potential headaches prevent them, do what you can to ensure that the holidays come and go in peace!

Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry, visit her blog here.

7 Reasons Why Parents will Limit Visits or Stop Permitting Children to See Grandparents

Some parents have a short memory when it comes to the negative things they do and say to their children and grandchildren whether to their faces or behind their backs. People who feel negative emotions from others will not stay in their presence for long. They will attempt to rid themselves of further pain, shame, anger, and more by keeping their families away from hurtful people. Although siblings and other relatives and friends may not comprehend why a parent would limit his or her visits with grandparents or cut them off altogether, consider this, they have good reasons as to why they do what they do. So before one judges, be mindful of the ungodly people and things you are exposing your children to on a daily basis. Could it be that you and your family ought to do some cutting too--possibly in different areas of your lives? As with all people, titles are to be earned. What might have caused a rift between grandparents and their children and grandchildren in the first place?

1. They despise the grandchildren’s parent(s) and the parents despise their parents/in-laws.

Much heartache, headache, and upset stomach worrying over the years about one’s rebellious son or daughter or "no good" son or daughter-in-law, doesn’t make anyone feel good. Sons and daughters turn on parents and vow to never come around them for one reason or another. Some grandparents think of money used over the years to bail out one’s son or daughter and other helpful things done, may not look forward to seeing son, daughter or children, because money wasn‘t paid back, favors weren‘t returned, or negative gossip reached their ears. A grandparent holding feelings of resentment and anger will not be easy to get along with and neither will the children; therefore to avoid argument, back-handed remarks, and other issues, a son or daughter won’t bother to come around often, if at all, with grandchildren and grandparents won‘t encourage or invite them either.

2. They are jealous.

Believe it or not, there are parents who are jealous of their sons and daughters’ lives especially if they have far exceeded their expectations. If mom or dad was the one who was always bad-mouthing their children as they grew up, he or she may not be that proud of them as one might claim. Parents notice negative behaviors, favoritism of other siblings, and will hear statements that sound more like put-downs then praise; so to keep their children from having to see how mean-spirited mom or dad can be, they limit visits with them until they can’t stand to come around anymore.

3. They are controlling.

Sons, daughters and grandchildren aren’t permitted to do or say much in the presence of certain grandparents; therefore, a parent will feel constant tension bringing one’s children around his or her mother or father. Since there is no way to make one’s parents stop doing something that is causing friction between parents and grandparents while scaring young children, some families will just stay away.

4. They don’t like children much.

As much as we would all like to think that grandparents look forward to seeing grandchildren, think again! Not all like or want to be around them. There are those grandparents who have spent most of their youth helping others raise children, then they had children of their own that they didn‘t plan for. With so many children and little time for self, some have reached a period in their lives that they are quite burned out with small misbehaving children, rebellious teens, and know-it-all young adults. Don’t be offended, if anything, consider this a warning not to drop your children off with someone who is burned out, otherwise deal with the consequences.

5. They are impatient.

Children require patience, but some adults just don’t have any and will blow a short fuse over the littlest of things. A parent who doesn’t want his or her children witnessing or experiencing things he or she may have saw growing up with an impatient parent will keep them away from anger outbursts comprised of yelling, violence, swearing, etc. Most parents don’t want their children growing up with similar negative memories.

6. They are too busy/ill/lazy to maintain household, much less, welcome company.

Some parents simply won’t bring children around grandparents, because they are unclean or often sickly. Bad odors, dirty floors and walls, stained tables, and clutter, parents don’t want to have to manage their parents’ household in addition to their own every time they come for a short visit. Besides, an unclean, cluttered home that could be managed by an able-bodied grandparent says one thing, “We didn’t bother to clean, because we aren’t interested in you coming to see us.” While others, who can do for themselves, don’t bother to do much, because they hope that children and grandchildren will come to one’s home to clean, repair and organize it.

Parents who are cautious about the well-being of their children won’t continue to bring them to environments full of harmful bacteria, allergens, illness, rodents and insects. If a grandparent’s health isn’t very good, consider checking into programs that assist the elderly with errands, house cleaning, meals, healthcare, etc. Some services are free if a grandparent income qualifies, meets age requirements, lives in a certain area, and other things.

7. They are unforgiving.

From what a child broke during the last visit to a liquid spilled on one’s expensive area rug, the last visit was a disaster; therefore, the bitter grandparent(s) has acted in unforgiving ways toward one’s grandchildren. To flippant remarks to finger-pointing about most anything, the family notices the grandparent’s negative disposition and will visit less frequently until eventually giving up altogether. No parent wants to hear about everything that is wrong with one’s child every time they visit a relative or friend.

A grandparent should not worry over why a son or daughter is not interested in family celebrations, attending funerals, assisting an ailing parent, or anything else related to them when he or she knows what one’s relationship with a son or daughter really looks like. A son or daughter who doesn’t feel comfortable leaving one’s children with grandparents or in-laws shouldn’t. There are other ways to connect children to grandparents via telephone, mail, school events, parks, family restaurants, etc. other than one’s home. Further, if the visits with grandparents are bringing on upset emotions every time you bring your family around them, limit the time you are spending with them or cut them off completely. As a result, feelings of guilt may surface, old memories might taunt you, but whatever you are going through, find ways to bring peace to your mind. Utilize your faith, speak truth to parents, hear your family concerns, and most of all protect your children.

There are those fantasy relationships that parents create, based on others’ positive experiences with their families, and then there are those painful scenarios that include grandparents who are not what they appear to be. Therefore, a son or daughter who doesn’t want to revisit the past, but rather continue to heal, while having hope for a positive future, will protect his or her children from the verbal and/or physical abuse that he or she endured growing up from misguided parents.

Nicholl McGuire is a blogger, internet content producer, and does other things on and off the Internet, learn more about her here.

How to deal with NEGATIVE family members :( by Jon Mercer

Are you the emotionally, physically abused daughter or do you know one?

You may know her or be that one who is recovering from all the hardship of being raised by a parent who was emotionally and physically abusive toward you.

From name-calling to harsh punishment over things like:  low grades, talking back, being dishonest, crying too much, failing to comprehend commands, or not moving fast enough when an adult demands you act a certain way.  You or someone you know may not have the best private or public relationship with others.

People who have not walked in your shoes find it hard to understand why at times you tend to be absent in mind, body, spirit, or all three when interacting with them. Yet, what they fail to realize is that unlike them, what seems like meaningless statements, requests, or facial expressions, trigger emotions deep inside of you that isn’t always polite, nice, sweet, or kind.  You just might check out at times and forget for a moment what you were saying or doing. 

Sometimes abused female teens and women jump to conclusions, feel like they want to bite someone’s head off (especially during the menstural cycle or menopause), and might even cut the offenders out of their lives for what appears to be the littlest of things. For the one who has been abused, negative thoughts and reactions are normal. For onlookers, they determine one is crazy, strange, or needs some mental help like yesterday.

A strong-willed daughter, who might not be close to her father or mother, is going to function in society with hang-ups and handicaps.   She will go on to have somewhat healthy relationships, and take care of herself with proper guidance. If anything, for some abused women they do far better than others who were raised in so-called normal homes, because in their minds, they have something to prove. Dad said she was dumb and wouldn't do well in life, mom doubted her child was mentally stable, relatives found her peculiar, friends didn't quite understand her, yet she survives!

Survivors of emotional and physical abuse desire to be better than their controlling, abusive parents who most often had a mental disorder or two of their own, but may have never been diagnosed. The formerly abused want to treat others kindly and live a life that is relatively drama free! They aren’t asking for much, but for some women, trouble tends to follow them and remind them of their ugly past.

Present demons have a way of tempting the emotionally wounded daughter to hurt herself or someone else by picking with her.  They find faults where there are none, play mind games, deny insults and assaults, and act as if everything is okay when they are the creators of the dysfunction.  Therefore, the emotionally wounded daughter is once again disturbed by those who she thought loved her. 

It seems that some women just can’t seem to come up higher or get a break from emotional turmoil. They are attracting men and women like themselves, because sometimes what is familiar appears like it is okay when it is not.  Maybe for a time some abused women appear like they have a better command over their emotions, but when triggered, look out, all hell is going to break lose!

How can one keep his or her daughter out of danger from self and others? Well for starters, watch what you say and do.  Try to stay positive and do what is right, see yourself for who you really are when she points out how you might have hurt her.  Hurt people tend to repeat the same abuse or react in ways that look similar to their abusers if they never got any help for their personal demons. 

Reader, if you have unresolved issues, you can’t help others, not even your own children. They will see your faults and emulate them if you don’t bother to open up your mouth and say, “I am wrong. You don’t want to act like me or make the decisions I have made in life. Let me show you some good examples.”  Seek out a support system that can give you all immediate help.

Most self-righteous, prideful individuals, that don’t want to be held accountable for causing others harm, will refuse to humble themselves and admit failure. They rather blame a helpless child for their negative reactions. They prefer to look the other way when accused of unrighteous behavior. They rather ignore those who say, “I remember when you…” The controlling parent says, “Get over it…don’t hold things against me, I’m not perfect. Think about the good I have done for you!”

Telling someone to move on when they don’t know how to or can’t is not going to do anything more than create a deeper wedge in the relationship. 

Nicholl  McGuire Author and Poet http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com

Her books include:
Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic https://www.createspace.com/3437273
When Mothers Cry https://www.createspace.com/3393499
Laboring to Love Myself https://www.createspace.com/3401526
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate https://www.createspace.com/3332346
Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/904839
Spiritual Poems By Nicholl http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/3113926

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