Controlling Women in the Family?

Selfish Relatives: You Have to Come to My Event, You Have to Do This For Me

You have been there, a time when you were frustrated with a family member's repeated requests to come to a child's function, a family get-together, or some other family event and you really didn't want to go. A  family event seems to pop out of nowhere and someone in the group insists that everyone be there.  Now if you say, "No, I don't think I can make it..." you are suddenly marked as the one who doesn't want to be around your family and told that you are selfish.  What!?  The insults, speculations, and outright lying starts being whispered over phone lines, "So Tommy isn't going to be there?  What? It's probably his wife whose keeping him away...I never like that little...."

Whether it is a service or a get-together, you don't have to do anything with people you don't like or get along with just because someone said, "You ought to...you better...that's your family!  It would mean so much to us if you would."  That all sounds rather pushy, controlling, doesn't it?  You have to wonder what is the real reason behind the reason as to why it is so important that everyone should be at a certain relative's event or do him or her a favor and help this person and/or family out.  This is key information you need that just might save you from a future argument with someone for not coming, being unecessarily inconvenienced by someone else's foolishness, and other things, and besides, if your heart isn't in it, why are you going?  Do you have selfish reasons too?

So what might be some things that these selfish, and sometimes controlling relatives, really have up their sleeves?

1.  They are looking to save some money, time, or face about something.  Depending on what role you typically play in the family (lender or borrower, peacemaker or fighter, generous or frugal, etc.) will determine why some will push your being at their home, party and elsewhere, while others will forget your invite or worse your existance!

2.  They know that they don't want any problems out of you, because they remember the last time and they know how you are.  Now this point doesn't apply to most readers, because you are probably one of the good guys or gals, but for some, they are not.  They know that if someone doesn't invite or get them involved in a family event/emergency/service/fight, there is hell to pay!

3.  They hope that you will contribute like you did in the past.  For some of you, you may have been that favored one who did much at the last event, so they are hoping that you will keep it up.  Cooking, cleaning, babysitting, errand running, maintenance work, yard work are all typical requests of needy relatives.

4.  They simply like you.  There are actually family members who mean you well and have no strings attached about inviting you to their celebrations, home, and other special occasions.

5.  They are expecting payment back in service or a gift since they did for you in the past, so this is a sneaky way to get you to give them.  Beware of relatives who boldly tell others of how they helped you and didn't expect anything in return.  What you may not know is that they just might be looking for some repayment (because it's just the right thing to do they reason) through a get-together or an opportunity to service them.  So don't be suprised when they say, "You know that money I gave you back when you were struggling, well do you think you have...or do you think you can help me with...?"  Sometimes it isn't a money repayment they are looking for but an offer from you to help them with something.  It is best to touchbase with these opportunists relatives before a family function establishing what you will and will not do for them and what you will and won't talk about.

Keep in mind, there are most likely many other reasons as to why a family member just feels like you just need to be around your family, even when you feel as if God or your own personal issues with them are keeping you from them (at least temporarily).  Be wise, not a fool in situations like this.  If you believe in a Creator, trust his leading and not your own or your relatives' pushy behaviors--always pray for them and seek God for answers.

Nicholl McGuire author and poet.  Check out her video projects on YouTube - http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7

Gossips, Busybodies, And Evil Speakers Have No Part With Christ!

My Family Doesn't Like You So I Don't Like You

Oh yes, we have those die-hard loyal family members who simply don't like certain people in the family because mom and dad don't like them!  I tell you, you got to love 'em!

To date, I have a few relatives that don't like one of my elder relatives because of a few too many things she did back in the day, so anyone connected to her is marked meaning "You don't deal with those folks."  Some just don't want to bother with us.  In their minds, "The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree."  But I don't care, because this just makes me stronger spiritually--I am a magnet for the black sheeps in the family, so hate on, I say!

"My family doesn't like her, so don't you start liking her!"  I hear this statement in so many words when the angry, unforgiving relatives would like for me to sing the same song.  But my life is different now, and I have Christ.  So I work hard not to be that way.  Sometimes their points are justified, but I have to be the one that is neutral.  I can't pick sides, because you just never know how God might use you.

So what do we do if we are caught acting this way, we work hard to change our thoughts.  We do good when we can.  We offer assistance--we reach out and let these people know that we are okay with them until they cross us, then we move on.

But when you are the mastermind behind the campaign against "those relatives," you might want to consider how your rage, bitterness, and unforgiveness might play a part in the lives of your children and others who respect you.  You may want to re-evaluate how you feel and work toward having a better attitude around "those relatives."  The holidays are coming up...tis the season! 

Nicholl McGuire

Know How Your Family Communicates Anger, Pain, Sadness, and other Negative Emotions

It is very easy to see how other families operate when a relative is the favorite, troubled, successful, jealous, bitter, etc.  But what about your own family?  How does your family communicate with you and others when one is labeled, placed in a category, banished, and so on?

I noticed that in my family we have our share of individuals who will make certain people favorites as long as they are willing to be the accomplice in the following:  getting others to respond to whatever they need/want, participate in a scheme or other shady behavior, act in a drama, add to gossip--you name it!  But when one is not a character in the mayhem, one doesn't have a clue about the issues until they show up in one's home. 

In every family, favorite status has to be earned and usually one's moral judgment is put to the test.  If your standards aren't that high, or you are one that goes along just to get along, then you are a perfect candidate.  But those individuals who don't like drama, not interested in getting any future benefit/service from anyone, and just like keeping to themselves, they are the least favorite.  They are the ones who while they are away, the cat will play with minds, reputations, and other things just because one is an unwilling participant in another's bag of tricks.  But can you see when this is happening?  Do you recognize when your family is playing games with you?

When family communicate with one another usually by the typical means of communication like the telephone, there is often a certain sound to one's voice that says one is upset, happy, in pain, and so forth.  There are those relatives who just might act (I mention this in another blog entry) to get their needs met.  Short conversations, meaningless phrases, and sometimes silence on the phone are clear indicators you aren't liked with some relatives I know.  But if you aren't in touch with what a relative is communicating whether openly or hidden, you might be negatively talked about by those busybody, petty types who have nothing more to do with their time but meddle in other people's affairs.  "She just doesn't get it...why does she bother talking to me?  When I last talked to her she didn't pick up on what I wanted, so I'm done with her..."  Meanwhile, the unsuspecting don't know about the war that is brewing, because most likely that person has a life and it doesn't respond to one's negative emotions.

Too often the unsupecting relatives (who aren't in the know about too much of anything) will fall for just about everything, believe half-truths, pick sides, place blame, and more, because they just don't get what is really going on with the family, nor do they care--unless they stand to lose out on a benefit.  So the unsuspecting fail to recognize the verbal and non-verbal language of feuding relatives.  They can't see, what some of you readers can see.  The harmless rather walk or run away, then stay and play, so to speak with the harmful--or dare I say it, the toxic.

If you are in touch with your family, more-so than others, then you have front row seats into their worlds even when they fight to make you see only what they want you to see.  You are a witness to the truth.  For some readers, you know when relatives are angry, sad, happy, troubled, and so forth.  But do you know when they are acting this way with you or certain other people?  Some people can only see what they want to see when they want to see it and when others pick up a mirror and show them, they say, "I didn't know...I don't want to see that...Why do you want me to know that?"  Maybe today mom understands grandma's plight, but next week not so much.  Maybe favorite relatives love you today, but then you hear that tomorrow they don't.  Did you see the signs?

Knowing how your family communicates with one another is important if you are trying to build a relationship with those who may not like you so much.  But for those you are already getting along with, you may want to use what you know to help others build or restore a bond with those family members who mean them well.

Nicholl McGuire

You're The Different One in the Family

Bubbly, creative, unique, slow, free-spirited, wild, or serious, you are the different one and some relatives don't like it.  My friend, keep your head up anyway!  You have done much with your interesting personality.  People may have called you blessed, nice, a sweetheart, loving, kind, and sincere.  You should be content with who you are!

There comes a point when we have to take what relatives say about us and use it to our advantage!  When you are down, calling up those people you are use to telling your stories to may not be the answer.  Sometimes you might need to just sit back and breathe!  Find the time to empower yourself mentally, physically and spiritually without need of family.

Some of the most successful people in this world have become that way, because they knew when to move on without family.  Like a taxi cab driver, they carried their riders to a destination and then dropped them off after receiving payment.  Your relatives got their payment from you in a variety of ways whether you gave them time, money or service.  It doesn't matter how much, you did what you could and some of them bidded you farewell while others wanted to keep you around.  Saints and sinners have all reached those points in their personal and professional relationships when they knew that this was it.  "I have gotten all I can get out of this relationship and it is giving me nothing back.  I am the different one, I know this already, but I don't need to keep hearing that from people who can't help me anymore."

You are considered the odd one in the bunch, because you know how to set yourself apart from the rest and be comfortable doing it!  In some cases, there are those readers who didn't have a choice in the matter.  The key is being at peace with who you are and the differences that make you stand out.  There are so many individuals who work hard to be different, but deep, down inside they are not content.  They are still struggling with what they look like, how they sound, what they can and can't do, what they like and don't like and so on.  They are basically bound to a self without a direction, focus, and of course happiness.  People might see someone who appears like he or she is a free spirit, unique, and joyful, but the truth is they are lost.

So today, challenge yourself to look at what makes you different and do something about those differences in such a way that you have no need of getting family approval.  Work each day on this part of yourself if you are one of the ones who feel down and please do come back and share your observations and results.

Here's to the different ones!

Nicholl McGuire

How to Deal with Critical People

Help is on the Way, But Then Again Maybe Not - When Family Consider You a Burden

Whether you have had far too many moments in your life when you have been down on your luck, short of cash, in and out of relationships, or caused much drama that left some family members wishing you were dead, there will be those relatives and friends who will help you until it hurts.  However, there comes a point when favor wears off and all kind deeds have been exhausted.

Some family and friends will see to it that you don't remain in your mess, but helping you is going to cost you.  Maybe you are working off the help you have received, as you read this, or maybe you have yet to serve those individuals who believe that what they are asking of you is justified.  However, sooner or later the helper is going to expect something.

We need to think once, twice, and even a third time before asking relatives for assistance especially money.  Some people will help you in small ways, barely giving you enough to do much of anything, before requesting you do something for them.  People like this are really not helping, but seeking out benefits.  "What benefit is it letting him stay here?  What can she do for me?"  Think like these people for a moment, "What am I doing for these people?"  When your burdens are greater than the benefit, that is when people begin to change.  They start withdrawing their assistance.  They look for excuses as to why you can't stay in their residence pass a certain time period.  The drama begins to increase--a clear sign to move/quit asking/ stop borrowing/ as soon as you can!

The following is several things you can do when you are facing hard times and have to deal with certain difficult relatives for a time:

1.  Plan your next move, career, business, etc. from start to finish so that you will not have to go back and ask for any assistance from family!

2.  Network with people outside of your family and friends.  You will find that many are more knowledgable and can find resources that will help you out of your situation much faster.  Consider churches, civic groups, community centers, career counselors, temporary agencies for job placement, etc.

3.  Avoid staying at a relative's residence and doing nothing.  Go to bed early, get up early and try to stay away as long as you can.  Find places you can unwind after work.  When you are at the relative's home do small tasks, but be sure you communicate a start and stop time and when you are unable to help them otherwise they will take advantage.

4.  Give money when you can, but set a limit and how often you give.  Never give so much money that you have none put aside to move out on, pay for transportation, food, and more.  Keep track of your giving--use checks or money orders so that you have a receipt of payment.

Beware of the Actress or Actor in Your Family

You may not believe that your mother, father, sister, brother, aunt or someone else in your family is one that enjoys acting--not for television or in theater plays--but for the family.  Chances are there is someone who has been "playing" the family for years and you may be one of many who got tricked.

From exaggerated story-telling to repeated requests to help with this thing or that one, these relatives love getting people emotionally wrapped into their madness.  They are usually people with far too much time on their hands, lack education, hobbies, unemployed, retired, and more.  So what they do is think of those in the family on a daily, weekly or monthly basis who might have something that they want whether time, money, or service.  "What can she do for me?" one thinks.  "What might he help me with and how can I convince him to do that for me?"  The actor or actress begins to prepare for his or her role especially when this person knows that a few are on to his or her game.

It took some time for me to realize that we had a damsel (actually more than one) who was often in distress in the family.  She enjoyed playing the emotional roles complete with a tear or two.  Her performances were believable.  She would change her voice whenever someone called her depending on who she thought might believe she was ill and in need of something and willing to help.  This person would ask for money, time or service from relatives who would call her.  At times, she would make conversation with gullible strangers on the street, in stores and elsewhere in the hopes that they could become fast friends.  This way she could use them later if she should need anything.  Each week she had relatives, friends or strangers coming in and out of her home, because they believed one story or another she shared.  She was never left empty-handed.  This sort of behavior went on for years often, but slowed down once she grew older.  She couldn't keep her act up--sometimes she would come out of her characters, mix her roles up, and forget her lines.  Those who realized they were being used began to back off.

Now when you are close to these people you don't often pay attention to when they are telling a truth or lie.  You most likely accept them whether good, bad or otherwise.  However, this sort of behavior isn't good when people in the family are warning you that So and So is a big actress or actor.  Sometimes you have to be burned time and time again before you will believe truth particularly from someone you don't trust in the first place.  But when you know someone behaves deceptively and you continue to help them, then you are an enabler--a person who helps perpetuate negative or destructive behavior in the sick individual. You convince yourself that you're are helping this person when you really are not. 

Gambling, substance abuse, lies, mayhem, and other things that people do that eventually affect others, can wreck havoc on a family that was once close.  Actors and actresses show up in certain relatives because they know that others will not accept them the way that they are.  Therefore, they will do things to hide their weaknesses; rather than make necessary changes to ensure peace within the family.  These pretenders in the family, who say one thing and do another, will try various tactics with different people to get hidden needs met.  So they might tell a story that is believeable and possibly truthful in an effort to make you feel good about helping them.  But the reality is, one might need the money to fund an addictive behavior, help someone else who is struggling, keep conflict going between others while hoping to benefit off the arguments in some way ie.) attention, etc.

If you aren't on to the actor or actress in the family, then most likely you are the one that relatives who have been burned already might be trying to warn, but you won't listen.  I challenge you today to open up your eyes and start keeping track of days and times the relative calls you with a request.  Notice his or her mannerisms.  Call back later and listen for change in his or her voice.  Ask others have they noticed anything different about the relative who is always in need.  Keep your wallet and gifts at home and see how he or she reacts when you show up empty-handed.  Stop offering to pay for his or her purchases and doing other services, then sit back and watch how he or she treats you. 

For some readers, you might be the one who is the actor or actress and see nothing wrong with what you are doing.  Sooner or later people will find you out and when they do they will stop coming around you and will warn others about you.  So don't ask why someone doesn't like you or is bad-mouthing you, you know what you have been doing. 

For others reading this, you might be the one who use to be this way and is sounding the alarm on other actors and actresses in the family.  But whatever role you are in, use to be in, or was never in, the point is keep your eyes open to actors and actresses in the family who love you as long as you do for them, but when you stop, they don't want to bother with you and might turn others against you because of it.  You know what to do when this happens, cut them off!

Nicholl McGuire
See a blog on Facing Your Foe here: http://faceyourfoe.blogspot.com  

Family Lies, Exaggerates, Cover-Ups and Forgets

They won't admit to the things they done in the past without making things appear as if "they weren't so bad, you were mistaken, it didn't happen that way..." etc.  No sense in arguing with them, because you know your truth!

Family lie, exaggerate, cover-up and forget things that make them look bad.  Who wants to put their arm up and say, "Okay, I did it.  I'm sorry.  I should have, could have..."  Maybe at some point your relative might come to grips with the truth and try to make yesteryears' wrongs right, but then again maybe not.  However, using all sorts of tactics to get your family to see the light won't make them come to any revelation any faster.  Rather, all you will be doing is continuing to build a wedge of resistance and possibly put yourself in a position of alienation between you and those you sincerely want in your life--is it worth it? 

Depending on what the issue was, whether the relative has changed, and how much damage was done to you and if  you can find peace within yourself, will determine whether you or they will reach some sort of compromise.  The person or group that hurt you may die never saying "I apologize."  But you can free yourself now by moving on with your life and doing the kinds of things that make YOU happy while all they can do is just spectate.  The sweetest revenge is the kind that only your Creator can provide--he knows how to hit people where they hurt when they have done wrongly to others--I am a witness, my God is awesome!

Sometimes we are guilty of enabling all of this lying, exaggerating and covering-up in families by not letting go and letting God, so to speak.  We tell others that they are making up things while we choose to ignore or forget things.  We accuse others of lying, when we have been guilty of adding to the lie.  We act as if nothing ever happened and tell others to get over it, when we know that bad things really did happen, and we were too scared, worried, or sick to say anything.  Think of times when you weren't always truthful or failed to remember specific details that could have helped someone else. 

It makes no sense to keep reminding yourself of the pain one has inflicted on you--that is self-torture!  Someone in the family might be encouraging you to deal with this person and that one even though you know it isn't healthy.  Why convince yourself that you are mistaken, crazy, or strange for feeling the way you do about someone (just because they are a relative) when you know that their behaviors make you feel uncomfortable, aren't right, and downright weird?  But so many family members will put themselves in challenging situations, while screaming, "Get me out!"when they know someone in the family has repeatedly hurt them with words and actions.

Break free from these lying, exaggerating, covering up, forgetful people by:

1.  Ignoring phone calls, email, text, and snail mail.

2.  Avoiding family events where you will have to deal with them without someone to mediate.

3.  Say no to favors.

4.  Don't move into their homes.

5.  Don't open your circles of friends to them.

6.  Don't borrow money and other items.

7.  Stay away from conversations with those who are connected to them about them.  Otherwise, your conversation will run the risk of being repeated.

Think of other things you can do to find the peace you need from those who aren't interested in building you or others up, but rather break them down.


Nicholl McGuire

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